


The Essence of Control

by Metal_mako_dragon



Series: Ouroborous [1]
Category: Mass Effect
Genre: M/M, Mass Effect 1, Shepard isn't so straight forward, Sole Survivor (Mass Effect)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-08
Updated: 2013-09-02
Packaged: 2017-12-18 02:59:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 11
Words: 95,362
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/874880
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Metal_mako_dragon/pseuds/Metal_mako_dragon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kaidan Alenko would never say he wasn't complicated, but Malcolm Shepard didn't make things any easier. He would never really be sure if that was a good thing or not. Kaidan and Shepard's not so smooth romance through ME1 and into the unseen time before ME2 (Male Shepard/Kaidan Alenko) - part of an ongoing series</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Steep Incline

It was noticeable because of the divide, perhaps, or maybe it was his imagination. Not that he'd ever been known for his wild imagination, but Kaidan liked to think that, in this case, he could blame that more than face up to what it would mean if it wasn't.

Everyone had been very polite, too polite in fact. He had been determined because he'd be damned if he would go through another operation, not again, not if he could help it. But everyone was so nice that it was difficult to ignore the implications. They saw the unknown in him, perhaps, or maybe just the unpredictable. He knew he was better than that, he knew he was more than the thing in his head, but other people were cautious.

Perhaps with good reason. He hadn't known back then.

"Welcome to the Navy soldier," were the words the Captain had offered after he had jumped through their hoops and held his poker face while they drilled him about the L2 implant lying like a time bomb inside his skull. He had assumed his father would be proud, enlisting just like his old man. Kaidan told himself, after he finished his call home to Vancouver, that he really should have known better.

He had never been happier to leave somewhere than he had been to step out of the testing centre that day, the day he had taken it upon himself to try and find something better to do with his life than sit inside the cage his father was trying to construct around him and drink himself to death. Well, there was one other place he could think that he'd been happier to leave, but that really shouldn't have figured into the equation. Including Jump Zero in the list just ruined the chances of all the other hideous places he'd been. Kaidan was nothing if he wasn't for equal opportunities.

It was four days until he heard back from the bland faced Captain who had passed him through the recruitment programme. Three days too long walking around the barracks trying not to seem as young, angry and worried as he really was. The other recruits seemed to have far more purpose than Kaidan felt he could understand. What on earth are they striving for? He would wonder, they've only just arrived here. What the hell am I missing?

The time between the end of those three days and the years that followed were enough to show him. Perhaps it was just his imagination, perhaps it was...the reason everyone was so goddamn nice. He served under Captain Shegora, with her stern eyes and rigid countenance, and he did well. It wasn't like Jump Zero, he didn't jump because he was scared that if he didn't he'd be put in solitary confinement for a week. He jumped because he wanted to jump, even if at first his brain had difficulties telling the difference. It had caused problems, yes, but that hadn't stopped him.

That was where the biggest change came. Problems he had previously dealt with out of spite, like the migranes and the nosebleeds, were now no longer ignored as if he should be well aware of the consequences. He had refused the further training because he couldn't bear the thought of the word. Biotic training? Synonymous in his mind with broken limbs, terrified stares and his first kill. Something he was not willing to repeat. Vyrnnus had been asking for it, was the line he had repeated over and over again to himself in the days after the incident, as BAaT shut down around him and Rahna refused to look him in the eye, even as she nursed her arm in the sling. The words had rung hollow then and they would for years after.

So he pushed himself too far, perhaps out of a misplaced sense that if he excelled he would be accepted by those around him and everyone would stop being so goddamn nice, and the migraines came. Usually at the worst times, like a training drill in the desert simulator, with the sun drilling down into his skull like a blowtorch; or as he tried to lift the fallen crate from his comrade as they yelled and tried to crawl away from their crushed leg and the pooling blood, while Kaidan felt the same red liquid gushing out of his nose as he strained; or as he was trying to bypass a door while his team took heavy fire, desperate to get inside, listening to them die as he took longer and longer to find the circuit path through the breakers...

Yet every time he feels like he's failed in some way, instead he finds himself commended for it. He pulls his team through the simulation of Terra Nova's harsh equatorial deserts, taking command when the squad leader falls prey to dehydration; they make him serviceman second class and somehow it feels like a personal victory, even if at the time he wasn't quite sure over what. When he pulled the crate off of his superior, General Vashka, when their ship was ambushed by the Blue Suns in orbit around Korlus and the others around him fled for the escape pods, he was bumped up to Specialist Alenko. The reason was different again, somehow, and he found himself wondering why he had saved the man, even though he constantly, silently, disagreed with all of his decisions, including the one which had them ambushed in the first place. Then the Skyllian Blitz happened. He had been part of a small search and rescue team sent down to the colony while the warships crashed and burned in the sky overhead. Their commanding officer had been taken out by a grenade blast when the LZ they thought was good turned out to be hot. The shuttle that had brought them there went next with a rocket to the fuel tank, and Kaidan had been left to think on his feet and almost give himself brain damage trying to hack him and all that was left of his comrades into the nearest building while Batarians tried their best to mercilessly slaughter them. He manages to save fifteen of the troops that fell under his command purely by ill luck. Kaidan felt that people in his command seemed to fall under that ill luck a lot.

They made him Lieutenant second class. Kaidan took it for what it was while, in the back of his mind, he had started to think that maybe this was all leading him somewhere. He wondered if his dad would be proud of him this time or if he would simply say that Kaidan hadn't managed to save them all, or earn the Star of Terra like Malcolm Shepard, the big damn war hero, in his heroic stand on the front line that won them the fight. The biggest victory that he could take away from the Blitz had been that he hadn't killed a living sole using his biotics. Foolish perhaps, suicidal even when their ammo had begun to run low, stupid in fact when he managed to get himself stabbed in the leg in close combat when they were flanked...but there was something there, something he couldn't see past and it scared him maybe even more than the thought of dying.

Rahna's eyes, terrified and blank, when he had sent Vyrrnus flying twenty feet across the room, through two tables, a plate glass divider and then into the wall. When his neck had snapped Kaidan would never know but, somewhere deep down inside, where he hid everything he couldn't handle, he knew, he knew, that Vyrnnus had been dead the moment Kaidan's tremendous terrified power had hit him. The rest had just added damage to a corpse. Kaidan had snapped his neck before the turian's feet had even left the ground. It had been the single most brutal thing he had ever done and, even though battle had hardened him, he didn't like to think that he could or wanted to ever be that cold, hard and unfeeling again.

He wouldn't say it had been the best time of his life, but then it wasn't the worst either. He wasn't really sure how to classify it. He hadn't made any friends but he hadn't made any enemies either. Everyone was still really...nice. Even those who owed him their lives never seemed to make any connection with him, which Kaidan couldn't really understand. At one point he had even felt the need to ask one of his subordinates, a woman named Sam Henessy who had a great sense of humour and sharp eyes, just why that was. After he got his answer he knew he shouldn't have asked someone who was willing to answer him truthfully.

"Hey, you're scarier than you think you are," she said, obviously thinking it was a joke, "we step out of line and who knows whose neck'll get..."

The sound she'd used to accompany the jerking motion across her throat was akin to snapping celery, a crunching crack that made Kaidan's mouth go dry and his stomach take a moment to flip the full three hundred and sixty degrees. He knew there had been rumours about him but he hadn't realised, until that point, why everyone was so goddamn nice. They were scared of him, of the rumour of Vyrnnus's murder, of the wild scaremongering that surrounded the instability of the L2's, even of his rise through the ranks that had him pulling himself up to Lieutenant in only three years. He didn't have respect, he had wary fear which stemmed from nothing but rumour and circumstance.

He had put in for a transfer that evening. His superior, Captain Ambrose, had been concerned and confused but perhaps not fully unaware of why. He had tried to convince Kaidan to stay and, for the first time since he had joined the Systems Alliance Navy, he had felt strangely wanted, even if only for ten minutes. Ambrose gave in and, as a parting gift, the likes of which Kaidan didn't think he'd ever be able to repay the man for, the Captain recommended him for a placement on a newly opened post on one of the new flagships of the Alliance.

"Anderson is a fine Captain and a good man, and the _Normandy_ is cutting edge. I hate to lose you Lieutenant Alenko, but if I have to then I won't see you wasted."

Anderson, it turned out, was more than just a good man and a good Captain, he was a great man and an outstanding Captain. For the first time in his life Kaidan felt as if he was somewhere he actually belonged, on an advanced ship with the most progressive technology and, as far as he could tell, a progressive captain. Up until that point in his military career his biotics history had always seemed like it was something to be ashamed of. Now, under Anderson's honest and commanding gaze, Kaidan felt it was a boon.

"You come highly recommended, Lieutenant," Anderson had said as Kaidan stood to attention before the man in the officer's lounge on the Citadel, "and Ambrose is a good friend of mine, he isn't a man prone to over-exaggeration. I expect great things from you."

"Yes sir," Kaidan had replied with a sharp salute.

He would expect great things because he was pushed to do great things. Anderson was a passionate man, he cared about his crew to an extent that Kaidan had never seen, running that tricky but fine line between Captain and friend, but never crossing it. The crew admired him for it, put him on a bit of a pedestal for it, and Kaidan couldn't help but agree. The man had integrity and he passed that down the chain of command, all the way to the Servicemen at the bottom rung. Kaidan found that the crew of the _Normandy_ was just as good as their Captain, and he even managed to find himself falling into the odd poker night, or even bumping into people on shore leave and being able to hide his surprise when they were interested in talking. Anderson's crew became his crew and, for the first time in a long time, Kaidan remembered what it was like to care.

* * *

 

"Well what about Shepard? He grew up in the colonies."

Udina's voice was unsure but, at the same time, a little frustrated. They had been there for five hours already and no headway had been made, mainly because, as far as Kaidan could see, Captain Anderson and Councillor Udina would have difficulty agreeing on what to order for lunch, never mind who to recruit for the role of candidate for first human Spectre.

In truth Kaidan didn't really know why he was there. Anderson had asked him to come because he hated talking to Udina alone, but so far Kaidan had found he was nothing more than an ornament in the room to whom Anderson could direct withering looks whenever Udina wasn't watching. He was tired, hungry and the light in Udina's office was too bright for his liking. He could feel a headache building behind his eyes, deep inside his temples, and the slow throb there didn't bode well. So when Anderson perked up at Udina's suggestion of this Shepard and his face lit up a little as he scanned through Shepard's history and military service record on the data pad in his hands, Kaidan couldn't help but hope that this man was the one they were looking for.

"Yes, Shepard..." Anderson said, his voice a little distant as his eyes scanned the glowing screen; Kaidan chanced a look at the small, regulation picture in the top corner of the screen but was only given a quick glimpse before Anderson moved to the next page, "if there's anyone out there who knows how tough life can be, well, he lost his parents to the raid on Mindoir, was awarded the Star of Terra on for his service during the Blitz, and on Akuze..."

"He saw every other member of his unit die on Akuze," Udina interrupted, sounding strangely sympathetic, a new one on Kaidan, "he could have some serious emotional scars, PTSD..."

"Every soldier has scars," Anderson argued back; there was a sign of vehemence in Anderson's usual calm, professional demeanour which, in the long run, only made Kaidan more curious about who would inspire that sort of loyalty from his Captain who wasn't already part of the _Normandy_ 's crew, "Shepherd's a survivor."

"Is that the sort of person we want protecting the galaxy?" Udina argued; but you suggested him, Kaidan thought to himself with a sigh, honestly Udina you're the worst sort of devil's advocate.

"That's the only sort of person who can protect the galaxy," Anderson replied flatly.

"Well," Udina said, looking a little annoyed as he scanned the multiple data pads strewn over his desk, all of the candidates who weren't up to snuff; oh please just tell me we've found someone suitable, Kaidan thought. He had to keep himself from sighing in relief when Udina said, peremptorily, "I'll make the call. So far he's the only one with enough experience and clout to even consider. Make the _Normandy_ ready, Captain, and I'll have Shepard shuttled to you once I have him checked out."

Kaidan followed Captain Anderson out of the Councillor's office and waited for the doors to fully close before he spoke.

"If I may speak candidly sir..." he started, waiting for Anderson to nod his approval as they continued their swift walk to the central elevators, "wasn't that a bit of a rash decision?"

"What do you mean Lieutenant?" Anderson asked plainly as they stopped and he called the elevator.

"I mean..." damn I'm hesitating a lot lately, Kaidan thought, but he was never really sure how far he could push his familiarity with Anderson, "that you seemed to know your man when you saw him, sir."

"And so will you, Lieutenant Alenko," was the only reply he was given as the elevator doors swished open and they walked inside.

* * *

 

The first time he met Malcolm Shepard, Kaidan wouldn't say he was at his best. After he and Captain Anderson had returned to the _Normandy_ to prepare for the test run Udina wanted for his new candidate, Kaidan knew that it was one of those headaches. The migraine grew slowly but steadily, building in pressure behind his eyes until it spread and joined the throbbing pain in his temples. It was all he could do just to stay upright, never mind think clearly, by the time he heard the announcement from Anderson over the comm. His training normally helped but, for some reason, today was not a good day.

I didn't even push myself that hard earlier, Kaidan thought as he walked carefully along the hallway, keeping his eyes half-lidded, while he headed for the Captain's cabin. He'd popped two vials of the painkillers Doctor Chakwas had prescribed him, the hard stuff, and hoped for the best. Sure he had started his day by doing his biotic exercises and, yes, alright, maybe he had pushed it a little far when he had tried to reassemble his gun using just his telekinesis but...well, there was no but. He had been cocky and now he was paying for it and, as far as things went, Kaidan wasn't sure if he'd ever learn when enough was enough.

"It's good to see you again Shepard," Kaidan heard Anderson's voice slide into being as the doors opened and he, carefully, edged his way into the room, keeping his eyes focused on his Captain and only vaguely making out the other man standing in the room, "Ah, lieutenant. Executive Officer Shepard, this is Staff Lieutenant Kaidan Alenko, stationed here on the _Normandy_."

Kaidan wished the Captain had waited a little longer for introductions. He forced his eyes fully open, grit his teeth, hard, took two steady steps forwards and saluted smartly before standing to attention, hands clasped behind his back. Shepard returned the salute and Kaidan forced himself to focus on a single feature of the man's face to stop his world from buzzing around the edges, hoping his stare wasn't too intense. At the moment Shepard's blue eyes were the only thing stopping Kaidan from making the most spectacularly bad first impression in the history of the galaxy. The painkillers were beginning to kick in then, Kaidan thought as the nausea grew. Bad side effect but he would take that over the pain any day.

"It's an honour to meet you Executive Officer," Kaidan said as he tried his best to ignore the vile nausea that was rolling its way around his system.

"And you Lieutenant," Shepard said with an air of polite indifference, the likes of which Kaidan used to be accustomed to, before turning back to Anderson. Rather than being insulted Kaidan was simply glad that the focus was off of him.

"Well, the lieutenant will see you to your temporary quarters Executive Officer," Anderson said with only imperceptible hesitation; Kaidan looked to him and caught only the tail end of a glance too long. Anderson knew then, and Kaidan just hoped it was because his superior had come to know him well enough and not because Kaidan himself was bad at hiding it, "we're due to do our test run tomorrow at 0900 hours. Debrief at 0730 in the main comm. room."

"Yes Sir," Shepard said, saluting once more.

Everything was a little too sharp and clear all of a sudden. Kaidan couldn't focus on details. He managed to nod to Shepard and turn to lead him to the main elevators, but he couldn't talk. He had visions of vomiting if he opened his mouth and, thus, was never more thankful for the fact that the big damn war hero, Executive Officer Shepard, was a quiet man.

* * *

 

Two hours later, when Kaidan was on duty in the co-pilots chair, and Joker asked, contentiously as usual, if the Executive Officer was taller than he looked in the pictures, Kaidan couldn't rightly answer. He had no memory of the Executive Officer's face or stature, other than he seemed to be professional and he had blue eyes. He had said that Joker should really wait and see for himself before jumping to any conclusions.

They had a formal introduction of the Executive Officer to the crew that night, in the shuttle bay, when Kaidan was feeling vastly more human than he had a few hours before. The pain killers had kicked in and the side effects had worn off. It was only after the migraine had gone that Kaidan realised that he hadn't had a migraine that severe in years. He would have to sit down, later, and think through what he had done that might have caused such a reaction. Isolating the catalyst was all he could do at this point, so he could make sure that he never did anything like that again.

"I'm honoured to be working with you all," Shepard's speech was short, concise and, ostensibly, rather formulaic as far as Kaidan was concerned, "on this, the finest ship in the fleet...". Why on earth are we doing this song and dance anyway? Kaidan thought, It's not like I got to make a speech when I came on board. He wasn't jealous, far from it, just irritated by the scene. It stank of red tape, and Kaidan hated bureaucracy as much as the next soldier. I'm hoping XO Shepard feels the same way, he thought, if his speech is anything to go by.

Kaidan zoned out, only half listening, in favour of finally studying Shepard now that his eyes didn't feel like they were about to explode out of his skull. He had positioned himself to the far left of the ships company, all with their eyes focused on Shepard and Anderson. Kaidan wouldn't say he was taller than he had expected, in fact he thought they were probably much of a muchness in height. Shepard's hair was close shaved, marine standard issue, his face surprisingly unscarred considering his reputation as a cagey, grizzled war veteran who had survived the Blitz and the thresher maw attack on Akuze. His eyes were blue though, Kaidan was happy enough that he'd managed to remember that fact correctly.

* * *

 

"It's Lieutenant Alenko, isn't it?"

He had been so absorbed in trying his best to overclock the microframe to boost the shield enhancements in his Logic Arrest mark III omni-tool, bent over weapons bench with his nose almost flat against it, that he would admit it took a lot of control not to jump out of his skin when the XO's voice sounded from right above him. He stood up a little too quickly and reached out to steady himself on the workbench.

"I...yes sir," Kaidan said, saluting quickly.

"At ease Lieutenant," Shepard said, raising his hands and shaking his head softly, "I didn't mean to startle you."

"Sorry sir," Kaidan said; he had intended to say more but, in truth, he didn't know what else to say. Instead he left the next move up to Shepard.

"No need to apologise," Shepard said, "I'll level with you, I'm not very good with names so, if I call you something completely wrong, please don't humour me. I'd rather remember it properly."

Once more, Kaidan wasn't sure what to say. What had happened to the man he'd met two days ago, the slightly uptight, professional, bureaucratic officer who kept himself to himself? Kaidan had seen him around the Command deck, sometimes in the Mess, usually eating alone, and one or two times down in the Shuttle Bay with Captain Anderson, looking over the Mako. Other than that, there was nothing to make Kaidan think Shepard would turn up behind him all of a sudden and try to have a casual conversation. And here I thought I was a good judge of character, Kaidan thought.

"So, please don't be offended," Shepard continued, "it's...Keiran Alenko, am I right?"

"Kaidan, sir," Kaidan corrected him.

"Kaidan, of course," Shepard said with an almost imperceptible lift to the sides of his mouth, "Well, Lieutenant Kaidan Alenko, I've heard you're the man to talk to about upgrading this."

Shepard extended his left arm and the orange glow of his omni-tool flared silently into life. Kaidan nodded shortly and, without preamble, quickly began assessing his XO's equipment. The thought made him want to laugh but it would be too juvenile. He was just glad it gave him a chance to ignore the oddly awkward vibe that he and Shepard seemed to have created.

"Well, sir," Kaidan said as he ran his fingers lightly across the light interface, "I don't want to sound out of line, but this is a very old model."

"Which is why I was hoping for some upgrades," Shepard said, sounding a little more as Kaidan had expected him to, reserved and professional, "I don't like the idea of being behind the times on board the most cutting edge ship in the fleet."

"Oh, no, I didn't mean..." Kaidan felt the awkwardness rising, "sorry, sir. What I meant to say is that I can do better than an upgrade. I can get you outfitted with a whole new rig."

"Is that so, Lieutenant?" the XO asked, sounding curious but very interested.

"Of course, sir," Kaidan said, feeling a little more at ease talking about something he knew inside out, "the Bluewire you're using is quite good for boosting your shield signal but it lacks the finesse of more recent models. It's a difficult model to upgrade and it takes a lot of time and money to get it to any acceptable standard. We do, however, have a contract with Ariake Technologies. I can get you outfitted with the same rig I use; as far as I'm concerned, you can't come by a more reliable rig than the Logic Arrest."

"Well, looks like I certainly have come to the right man," Shepard said, looking pleased, "I'll follow your lead on this."

"Leave it with me sir," Kaidan said, already running through in his head what enhancements would suit the XO, "you're a front line fighter, aren't you?"

"Why do you ask?" Shepard said, the slightest of frown on his brow.

"Just to make sure I enhance the right things, sir," Kaidan said, noting Shepard's slight, but still noticeable, defensiveness, "I need to know what you put priority on. I myself focus on shield effectiveness and regeneration, and maximum effectiveness for my amp. I'm guessing you're more interested in slicking the response time between your weapons and the omni-tool interface. It'll make the tech abilities respond faster."

"Shields are a priority for me too, Lieutenant," Shepard said, his brow smoothing out, but the curiosity in his gaze didn't leave him, "so you use an amp; you're a biotic?"

Why would that possibly make me feel exposed? Kaidan thought as he watched the XO watch him back. It had been a long time since he'd felt anxiety at the thought of someone finding out he was a biotic. Since joining the _Normandy_ he'd become used to not caring what people thought, yet all of a sudden he felt...

"Yes, sir," Kaidan said, feeling himself becoming defensive to a point; what is wrong with me? He thought, "Does that bother you?"

"Why should it?" Shepard replied, raising an eyebrow, "I just like to know the people I work with. We may end up fighting together one day Lieutenant, I find it a tactical advantage to understand the strengths and weaknesses of those watching my back."

"I, I mean...of course sir," Christ can I make this conversation any more awkward? Am I making up for not throwing up on him when we met by talking myself into a black hole now? "sorry, I just, sometimes people aren't too thrilled when they find out."

"Well then they're obviously fools," Shepard said succinctly, "any soldier I have known in the field would give their right arm to have a biotic in their squad. You're an indispensable asset, Lieutenant Alenko."

"...Thank you, sir," Kaidan said once he had processed the compliment, forceful as it was, and found that it was really rather flattering, considering as far as he knew his XO knew nothing of his fighting prowess, "that means a lot."

"Don't get carried away Lieutenant," Shepard threw him another disarming 'almost' smile, "bring me the new model when it's ready, I'll be in my quarters until 1400."

"Yes, sir," Kaidan said, watching Shepard turn and walk towards the central elevator.

He watched him enter and only turned away when he realised that he'd been staring at the man for the entire time, and when Shepard turned around in the elevator and caught Kaidan's eye, he knew he'd been staring. For Christ's sake Alenko, Kaidan chided, what is the matter with you? Somebody pays you a complement and you go all gooey eyed. He turned back to the workbench and retrieved his omni-tool, ready to make his way over to the requisitions officer in the shuttle bay to request the schematics and updates for the newest Logic Arrest mark III.

"Is it just me, or is the new XO very easy on the eyes?"

Caroline Grenado may have been a good, no a great, engineer but Kaidan never was entirely happy with her level of familiarity. Perhaps it was because he found it unprofessional, but he knew that is was more likely to be his own problem with not being able to be fully easy with familiarity. He wished he could be that laid back.

"He certainly looks every inch the war hero," Kaidan replied diplomatically, even if he thought that Shepard was surprisingly normal so far, considering everything he had been through.

"That wasn't what I meant," Caroline said with a sigh, "honestly Alenko, you have no imagination."

"That's Lieutenant Alenko, Engineer Grenado," Kaidan said with a significant look, "I have to go to requisitions. Could you tell Adams It'll be another couple of hours until I can make it down to engineering?"

"Of course sir," Caroline said, losing some of her laid back attitude long enough to seem respectful.

He walked towards the other end of the storage bay, while his eyes flicked towards the elevator as he did so. One thing could be said for his time on the _Normandy_ , his life was never boring.


	2. Sharp Turn

 

"Oh come on," Kaidan's voice was sufficiently peeved, enough to make Joker smirk in the way that made you want to throttle him, "seriously?"

"Come to papa," Joker said, rubbing his palms together as Kaidan shoved his credit chips over the table, "you really need to have someone teach you a good poker face Lieutenant. Because right now I feel bad, like I stole candy from a kid or something."

"You don't need to rub the salt in, Joker," Kaidan sighed.

"At least you didn't get completely cleaned out," Adams said with a shrug; the Chief Engineer seemed far too relaxed for a man who had lost all his money, so Kaidan decided to ignore his words.

"Yeah, well, I think I'll quit while I'm ahead if that's alright with you," Kaidan said with a tight smile, gathering what little money he'd managed to hold on to as he stood from the table.

"Not really," Joker said with a sardonic smile, "who am I going to fleece now?"

"How about you go fleece yourself," Kaidan said with a half hearted smile as he walked out of the room.

"Ooh, Lieutenant, that was bad," Joker shook his head, his face pained, sounding disgraced even as he laughed, "I see you're still working on that sense of humour. Keep at it."

It was late, he could tell by the crewmen whom he passed as he left the lounge on the way to the crew quarters. Night duty; but then did those terms really even apply in space? There was no real night and day on the Normandy, not while she was out of dock. On any space stations he had visited, whether it be from Jump Zero itself all the way to the Citadel, they liked to mimic planetary conditions, creating lighting that dimmed over time or even a sky that changed slowly to sunset as the hours wore on as the Citadel preferred. It was something that never changed onboard a starship; it was always, well, whatever time you wanted it to be.

Or whatever time your superior officer wanted it to be was probably more accurate.

He was walking past the main elevator when he heard the voices. Almost to the door, Kaidan thought as he stared at his quarters with a sigh; but he thought he recognised the voice and, well, it sounded like a conversation that someone needed pulling out of.

"Well, I don't know about that, it's just..." Shepard was saying as Kaidan walked around the main elevator shaft and into the Mess.

"People always talk this way in times of peace," Pressly interrupted, rebuffing him completely, "but they change their tune soon enough when they realise that not all races are willing to co-operate so readily as you are."

"That's a pretty closed minded..." Kaidan watched as Shepard's eyes narrowed slightly and his face became that same calm but intimidating mask which Kaidan had encountered himself.

"Excuse me sir," he interrupted, pulling two sets of eyes to him; one irate and one cold, "Executive Officer Shepard is needed in engineering."

"I..? Of course," Shepard stood, placing the data pad he was holding down onto the table very precisely, "excuse me, Navigator Pressly."

They walked to the elevator in silence, entered in silence and rode the painfully slow journey of two floors down in silence. It was only as they walked out into the empty cargo bay that Kaidan realised that he hadn't thought this far ahead.

"So," Shepard said, a hint of something indefinable in his tone, "what's this pressing matter I have to attend to, Lieutenant?"

One look at Shepard and Kaidan knew he wasn't fooled. In fact he wasn't sure if he'd ever been fooled, it was quite a weak tactic "...Sorry sir," Kaidan said, "I thought you might need pulled out of a bad conversation. Pressly can be quite...forceful in his views on other races, so to speak."

"That's an understatement," Shepard replied, frowning; Kaidan was just glad his superior hadn't taken it the wrong way. In truth Kaidan had just wanted to help out, having been on the receiving end of Pressly's bigotry before, "it's probably for the best that you stepped in before I got a chance to let him know what I think of his...views."

I'll not press you on that, Kaidan thought, watching as Shepard walked forwards casually into the open space of the hanger, his hands clasped behind his back. Truthfully all he really wanted was to get to his bunk and go to sleep, but now he seemed to have put himself into this situation, whatever it was. He felt as if it would be rude to leave so suddenly. It had been a month since the Citadel meeting, a month since they had gained their newest member of the Normandy crew. Shepard was an odd one, Kaidan would give him that, and he wasn't sure what to do with that information. He was commanding, yes, he was quiet and considered, yes, but he was...odd. He had, as far as Kaidan could tell, a very subtle and dry sense of humour, and was prone to such taciturn mood changes that it would give the inexperienced whiplash. Yet, even as he had studied him, Kaidan found him a difficult man to approach. He never really knew what to say or if it was even appropriate to strike up a conversation. Instead he'd decided to take the cowardly route and leave it up to Shepard himself. Unfortunately that had backfired, as it seemed the man was more than happy to simply do his job and get on with it, or as far as Kaidan could see.

He hadn't had much of a chance to work very closely with the man, as they were still running the Normandy under Council parameters, testing her fusion core, her warp capabilities, her weapons and, to an extent, her crew's ability to handle her. They'd had two SPECTRE's onboard for spot inspections, once every two weeks for the past month, and Kaidan had begun to wonder if something was up or not. It seemed like they'd been getting a lot of attention lately.

"Something on your mind, Lieutenant?" when Kaidan zoned back in he found himself the scrutiny of two blue eyes, watching him a little closer than he would like.

"Ah, no Executive Officer, I'm fine," Kaidan smiled his political smile, his I'm-fine smile, his brush-off smile.

"Please, like I said before, call me Shepard," the XO said as he turned away once more and continued walking further into the bowels of the ship, "it's a clunky title, makes me sound like a diplomat."

"Yes, sir," Kaidan wanted to say more but the thought of making small talk made him squirm.

Bed sounds really good right about now, Kaidan's mind tried to tempt him. Yeah, his conscience said, so why aren't you there yet? Don't ask me the difficult questions, Kaidan thought in annoyance. He sighed, rolled his shoulders and moved to the nearest workbench. I'm not invading his space, Kaidan thought, but I'm not pulling him away from his awkward conversation just to dump him on a random floor of the ship either; I'll just, be over here. Somehow it made sense in his head even as he was sure explaining it to another person would make him sound insane.

It was a full ten minutes before Shepard reappeared from behind the shuttle to Kaidan's right, still strolling with seeming purposelessness, his eyes not looking at anything in particular. Kaidan spared him a cursory glance before picking up his equipment, his shotgun and his pistol, which he had asked Jenkins to take a look at earlier, and walked to his locker with the guns. It was as he closed and locked it that he heard the door to the elevator opening. He found Shepard standing in the open elevator, watching him calmly as he kept the doors open.

"Headed up, Lieutenant?" he asked.

Kaidan simply nodded, making a quick jog for the elevator. The door took an age to close. Kaidan cleared his throat and looked straight ahead as they began their slow ascent.

"So do you swoop to the rescue like this often?" Shepard asked ignominiously.

"Uh, well," Kaidan fumbled, not expecting the man to talk, never mind ask such a question, "only if it sounds like a dire situation, sir."

"That's good to know," Shepard said.

Silence. The elevator hummed. Kaidan wished that the amazing technology that the Normandy was rife with extended to its elevator system as well.

"That new omni-tool is working out very well, by the way," Shepard said after another moment's silence.

"That's good," Kaidan replied; this is why I hate small talk, he thought, the awkward feeling beginning to build once more, "I'm sure you'll see the difference once we see some real action, sir."

"Yeah," Shepard's eyes looked a little distant as the elevator doors finally opened; he looked as if there was more to that sentence, carrying on inside his head, but Kaidan wasn't sure what. Somehow he felt as if he'd said the wrong thing. Another reason I hate small talk, he thought.

"Well, good night Exe...Shepard," Kaidan corrected with a small smile.

"Good night Lieutenant," Shepard said as he walked towards his own quarters, their paths separating at the curve of the elevator, "and thanks again."

"Anytime," Kaidan said, even if he wasn't sure what he meant by it.

* * *

 

"Another ship inspection, sir?"

Kaidan had happened to be in Anderson's cabin when the message came through. Whether he was supposed to hear it or not, he wasn't sure, but then Captain Anderson had never seemed to be too worried about keeping Kaidan out of the loop. In fact his CO seemed to prefer having someone else informed of the current affairs of the ship and its crew. Kaidan wasn't sure if it was a leftover tactic from Anderson's earlier days, a way to keep a chain of due process in case anything happened to the leader. It was a bit of a miserable thought, however, so Kaidan preferred to think that he was just a trusted subordinate.

"To be truthful Lieutenant," Anderson said with a sigh, "I'm not sure any of them were really inspections of the Normandy."

"I had begun to wonder that myself, sir," Kaidan said as he opened his data pad to the right page, ready to update his superior on the report he'd compiled on the drive core emissions. Riveting stuff.

"That's good to know, in a way at least," Anderson sighed, rubbing his face roughly with his right hand, "Lieutenant, you have good connections with the crew and I trust your judgement of character. I want your honest opinion of Shepard."

If Kaidan had a credit for every obtrusively blunt question he'd been asked by a CO in the past month he was sure he'd have enough money to retire soon. Suddenly the drive core emissions were looking damn interesting. He took a deep breath and put the data pad down, trying to think how to phrase his answer as honestly and yet as tactfully as possible.

"Honestly, sir?" he started, "I think he has all the workings of an outstanding officer. He's considered, sharp, quiet but speaks his mind when it matters. He's friendly enough with the rest of the crew but keeps himself at a distance. He can be a little defensive at times but, as far as I can tell, that was just teething jitters, getting to know a brand new crew can be a little daunting."

And he has a dry sense of humour, he can't make small talk, he makes me feel incredibly awkward but I'm not sure if that's bad, and, according to rumour, he's easy on the eyes; these were all the things Kaidan didn't think it appropriate to report. Anderson nodded thoughtfully as he talked.

"Thank you Lieutenant, that's reassuring," he said, eyes still a little distant, as if he were thinking of four or five things at once, "I appreciate the input. Now, let me hear how the ship is measuring up, I want to know what I can tell this Spectre when he arrives."

The reports took a little longer than was expected, mainly because the captain had many questions about how the ship was living up to expectations, beyond what Kaidan had put in his reports. He found himself giving crew evaluations on more than just Shepard. He knew why; Anderson was a military man, he despised bureaucracy and all that politics entailed. However, as a military man, he was always prepared, creating the irony of Anderson striving to be prepared for bureaucracy, as if he had tipped just over the edge of the thing he hated and found the code he lived by.

"Just to let you know, Lieutenant," Anderson said as Kaidan turned to leave, "as you know we're due to dock at the Citadel tomorrow, 1700. We'll be picking up our Spectre guest at 2100, so there will be shore leave until 2030. Let the crew know. I think it'll be good for morale. All this pressure from the Council is enough to drive any soldier to distraction."

He wasn't sure he agreed completely and, if he were to be honest, the idea of shore leave right before a high profile inspection seemed like asking for trouble. Still, he believed, if nothing else, it would be a good test of the crews punctuality. Kaidan smirked at the thought as he rode the elevator down to the Command Deck.

* * *

 

It wasn't that he didn't like time off, far from it, but truthfully he tended to find himself at a bit of a loss on the Citadel. He'd only been there a handful of times and, each time, he hadn't been out of the embassy district. It was a cab from the docks to Udina's office and then back again. Everything else he had seen had been in high speed from the window of the cab. The expansive city like landscapes that whipped by him as he pressed his nose to the glass, looked unbelievable. The idea of shore leave was both daunting and exciting. With such a limited amount of time to spend visiting, he wasn't really sure where to go.

"Well I know where I'm going," Joker said as Kaidan sat in the co-pilots chair, after the Lieutenant had brought it up, "straight to Chora's Den."

"Chora's Den? The strip club?" Kaidan said with a hint of laughter.

"Gentleman's club, thank you very much," Joker replied with faux sophistication, "I hear the Asari dancer's give private shows, if you get my meaning."

"I get your meaning," Kaidan replied, shaking his head as he tried adjusting the multi-pattern buffers to increase the drive propulsion, "just make sure you don't break anything you'd regret, Joker."

"Hey, do you mind?" Joker said in irritation, "Your fiddling is messing with my trajectories."

"Sorry Joker, Captain's orders, he wants to know if there's any way to improve the efficiency of the fuel output," Kaidan said a little tiredly.

"Well then he should just ask me, doesn't he know no one knows this ship's capabilities better than I do?" Joker ranted, "I mean can't he have you doing something worthwhile, rather than sitting up here messing with my flight plans?"

"What, like go to Chora's Den?" Kaidan tried to joke, mainly because he wasn't in the mood to get into another argument about who knew the ship better.

"Exactly, like get you laid Lieutenant," Joker said with a lascivious grin, "might do something about the mild mannered stick you have up your ass."

"Right," Kaidan said in as non-committal a tone as he could muster.

"Sounds like somebody's..." Joker started, obviously not taking the hint.

"Sorry to interrupt," came an interruption Kaidan was very grateful for, "but Captain Anderson asked if you could see him in Engineering right away Lieutenant."

Thank Christ for that. He didn't question it, just stood and thanked Shepard more than the man knew that he had taken that moment to deliver his message. He gave the XO a grateful nod as he passed and swiftly walked down the long ramp to the main command centre. He had been so focused on extracting himself from the situation that he didn't feel the tap on his shoulder until he was almost at the elevator itself. He turned around to find Shepard looking at him with barely concealed amusement, leaning back casually with his arms folded.

"Sorry, was there something else?" Kaidan asked quickly, feeling foolish for having run off in such a hurry.

"Lieutenant..." Shepard paused they both backed out of the way to allow a crewman to walk between them; Kaidan followed Shepard as he moved to the side ramp, away from the side doors to the comm. room. Shepard gave him another amused stare before speaking again, "Kaidan, I was just returning the favour."

"What? I don't kno...oh, oh I see," Kaidan was sure he would have blushed if hadn't managed to catch the reaction in time and, thankfully, stop it, "well, thank you sir, it was very much appreciated."

"Joker can certainly be, um, boisterous," Shepard said tactfully.

"That is an incredibly diplomatic answer, sir," Kaidan said with a smile.

Now, with nowhere to go, considering his calibrations would be running in the flight deck without him for the next five minutes, and essentially nothing to do either, he decided a fake trip to Engineering was in order, only if to spare him Joker's further comments; he started towards the elevator and didn't take it as odd when Shepard accompanied him.

"Just, don't be too subtle around me, okay?" he said quietly as they waited for the doors to open.

"What do you mean?" Shepard frowned.

"I mean, well, look I'm not very good at..." the doors opened and he and Shepard walked inside; he waited for the doors to close before continuing, "sometimes I don't get the more subtle notes of a conversation..."

"You mean to say you're gullible, Lieutenant," Shepard offered unhelpfully, with one of his 'almost' smiles.

"If you want to be blunt about it," Kaidan said, clearing his throat and feeling that usual awkwardness rising up; change the subject, "anyway, what are your plans for shore leave?"

"I see what you mean about lacking subtlety, Lieutenant," Shepard was pushing it, but Kaidan didn't say anything. Now he was wondering whether Shepard's saving him from Joker was a bad turn disguised as a blessing; thankfully Shepard didn't keep up his barbed jokes and the imperceptible hum of the elevator became louder in the silence, "actually I don't really have any plans. I've never been to the Citadel before."

"Not at all?" Shepard shook his head, "Well then, I'd say you're in for something special. There's nothing quite like seeing the Citadel for the first time. It's pretty breathtaking."

"So I've heard," Shepard said, his voice a little distant, "I've been told the Presidium is a beautiful place."

"Well, from what I've seen of it," Kaidan said, trying to sound knowledgeable; Shepard looked at him, his eyes regaining their focus. Kaidan wasn't sure if he was happier out of or under that scrutinising stare, "Alright, I've really only seen it from the air. I spend most of my time at the embassies, with Captain Anderson. Sometimes I help him out in diplomatic talks with Councillor Udina."

And I just managed to make that sound far more interesting and important than it really is, Kaidan thought.

"Then you haven't seen much of the Presidium either," Shepard said, keeping his eyes on Kaidan, "well, how about we take this opportunity to explore? You know your way around the transport system, I don't, how about it Lieutenant? Fancy showing a tourist the sights?"

Kaidan's hesitation spoke volumes, which he was unfortunately well aware of, making him rush out his answer as the silence became more obvious.

"Sure," he said, only then cursing his informality, "I mean yes, sir, that sounds...good."

Subtle, Alenko, really damn subtle, he thought, No wonder Joker manages to run circles around you. Shepard didn't say anything further until they reached Engineering. Kaidan didn't even have the heart to get out and pretend to visit engineering, instead saying that his calibrations would probably be finished by the time he took the ride back up. Shepard simply nodded before walking off, looking unperturbed and aloof, leaving Kaidan to wonder what the hell it was about his superior that made his implant feel like it was going to overload from stress at least once every time they talked.

"So, that was fast," Joker said when Kaidan returned to his seat, his tone far too uninterested for him to actually be uninterested.

"Mm hm," Kaidan hummed out, typing quickly to have the computer send the results to his data pad.

"Yeah, it was weird you know, that the Captain wanted to see you down in Engineering," Joker said with fake wonder, "and then a few minutes after you leave he calls me from his cabin to check our ETA for the Citadel. Strange huh?"

"...Sure is," Kaidan ground out. Great, he thought, seems like I'm going to have to teach XO Shepard a thing or two about extracting people from unwanted situations.

Despite his misgivings, Kaidan still sought Shepard out when Joker relayed the message that they were two minutes out from docking. He didn't think his own insecurities should get in the way of Shepard seeing this particular marvel.

"Sir, I think I have something you'll want to see," he had said, pulling Shepard away from the display console as the XO watched their approach vectors on Pressly's digitised view screen, "believe me," he said as he rushed them to the small starboard window, "you'll want to see this with your own eyes."

It never got old, was an understated way of putting it, watching the nebulous waves of gaseous matter clear as the Normandy glided through, silently watching as the Leviathan rose out of the deep, mouth wide, arms stretched open, imposing and yet welcoming. He didn't hear Shepard say anything, or even make any sound of appreciation as most people did, but Kaidan could see his reflection in the viewing window and, even though Kaidan loved to watch their approach to the Citadel, like he said it never got old, instead he found himself watching his XO's reaction in their reflection, crammed together as they were to look out at the beast as they approached.

* * *

 

"Welcome to the Presidium, I am Avina..."

"Maybe we should..." Kaidan started.

"Please, Lieutenant, the last thing I want to waste my time doing is talking to a computer about what I could be seeing, instead of seeing it myself," Shepard replied with his subtle brand of aloofness that made Kaidan's teeth go on edge.

They had docked, left in a big group along with the other crew members who had taken their shore leave, and for a while Kaidan thought he would get away with walking along in a disorganised jumble of familiar faces. Somewhere along the way, however, he had lost sight of the familiar faces and he and XO Shepard had found themselves alone, catching a cab to the Presidium.

Kaidan was just thankful that it was truly as beautiful a place as everyone advertised, at least it gave him something to stare at while they walked in silence. Somehow he had come to find himself following Shepard, even though he was sure he had been hired as tour guide, following his movements as his superior turned up over the winding bridges and walkways over the sparkling water.

"You know, if you had something you wanted to do, Lieutenant," Shepard said as they passed what seemed to be a small shopping district with a Hannar shopkeeper floating inside, his pink jellyfish-like body luminescing as he spoke, "don't let me keep you."

"Ah, no, that's fine," Kaidan said, taken a little off guard; he'd become used to their silence, "I didn't have any plan's and this is, you know, relaxing."

As relaxing as Brain Camp, Kaidan's conscience supplied unhelpfully. Oh hardly, he thought, dismissing the facetious statement, it's just...unpredictable, that's all. They continued to walk until the steady hum of voices seemed to have faded somewhat and they were left with just the steady Doppler effect of cabs and shuttles flying by overhead. Kaidan had been spacing out, just watching the water, the small fountains spraying the crystal-like substance gently upwards, but stopped when he realised Shepard's even footsteps were no longer audible. He looked up to find that he had passed the man by a few feet, the XO standing with his back to him looking up at a large, looming monument of what appeared to be, to all intents and purposes, a scale model of a mass effect relay.

Kaidan hesitated for a calculated moment before taking the few steps back to stand beside Shepard and study the monument for himself. What's the matter? His conscience piped up, Waiting for him to speak first again, Alenko? Goddamit, Kaidan thought with an internal sigh, I hate small talk.

"We've...come a long way, haven't we sir," Kaidan said, trying not to phrase it as a question.

"Lieutenant?" Shepard sounded confused but interested; well we'll see how long that lasts, Kaidan thought, considering my small talk is as good as yours.

"Humanity, I mean," Kaidan clarified, sparing Shepard a quick glance, taking in the intense blue gaze, before switching back to the monument, "it's humbling to think that only one generation ago we didn't know that all this even existed, all these races of people and we still thought ourselves alone in the galaxy."

"Until one of those races starts a war," Shepard said, tone half joking half serious.

"Well, yeah, when you put it like that," Kaidan fumbled, "but then I guess it's humanity's greatest weakness. We're always messing with things that don't belong to us. The Turian's attack may have been the dictionary definition of an overreaction, but then we were still arrogant then, I guess, thinking that we were the only life out there."

"As far as I can tell the Turians like to overreact to things," Shepard said, "if their track record is anything to go by."

"I don't know Shepard, isn't that a bit of a sweeping statement?" Kaidan asked.

"Well...I suppose it is," Shepard said with an 'almost' smile, "sorry lieutenant, the last thing I want to do is sound like Navigator Pressly."

"Oh no, sir, I didn't mean you..." Kaidan rushed out before reigning his apologies back in as he turned and realised Shepard was watching him again, "well, it's just, I don't like to think of aliens as...let me start again."

Shepard's smile evolved from 'almost' to 'recognisable'. Kaidan took that as a good sign.

"What I was trying to say is that aliens are just people," Kaidan said, realising that it sounded far too simplistic, "because they're all individuals too. You can't judge humanity by its wrongdoers, just as you can't judge them by their saints either. Just because one Turian does something terrible, doesn't mean they're all psychopaths."

"One Turian, Lieutenant?" Kaidan cursed his words; dammit he's sharp, Kaidan thought, why can't he just be a grunt like most of the other soldiers I've met? "Sounds to me like there's more to this view than just benevolence."

How do I do it? Kaidan wondered, How do I get myself in these situations? I don't want to talk about Vyrrnus, I don't want to...that's not fair. Can't we start with something a little less personal than one of the most traumatic parts of my life? The need to just turn around and walk away was strong, very strong, but not stronger than the training the Systems Alliance Military had drilled into him about how to act towards your CO. Even then, however, Shepard didn't seem to fall into any categories delineated in the handbook.

If I'm going to do this, Kaidan thought, then I'm going to do it right.

"How much do you know about biotics?" Kaidan asked cagily, "About how we're trained, that is."

"I'll admit, not a huge amount," Shepard said candidly, for which Kaidan was glad; the man seemed to be nothing if not truthful, "I've heard about current military programmes, Grissom Academy, and everyone's heard about Jump Zero, if you want to go far back..."

"Actually, yeah," Kaidan interrupted before the XO could go any further, "that's exactly how far back I want to go."

There was an awkward silence, in which Shepard closed his mouth and watched Kaidan with a subtle sense of curiosity. Considering the circumstances Kaidan didn't appreciate his scrutiny.

"I see," Shepard said, nodding softly.

What? Kaidan thought, his back up instantly. It was irrational and immediate, but Kaidan was too shocked by what he thought Shepard's answer implied to really think anything through. What in the hell is that supposed to mean? I see? You see what? Is that supposed to explain something? Does it explain something for you? Explain why I'm so messed up, is that it, Jump Zero makes everything clear now does it?

"Right," Kaidan didn't think he'd heard his voice so very cold and hard in a long time; the effect was enough to have Shepard, whose gaze had drifted back to the monument, look round at him in surprise, "well, I guess there isn't much more to say then."

"Lieutenant..." Shepard started, frowning.

"It's already 1900, I should really be heading back to the Normandy," Kaidan cut him off, his smile taught, polite and not reaching his eyes, "Captain Anderson will want help setting everything up for the Spectre inspection."

With that he did exactly what he had managed to stop himself from doing moments before. He turned on his heel and, not looking back, left Shepard standing on his own at the far end of the Presidium. Kaidan ordered a cab from the transport hub, got in, arrived back at the Normandy, underwent decontamination, walked inside and went straight to his bunk where he stood, thankfully alone, and felt all the anxiety and anger and hate building up in him with nowhere to go. He took two deep breaths that didn't do jack shit, turned, found a small, empty metal container on the table, reached out, felt the harsh, blue glow engulf him as he pulled the container up, holding it in the air as he slowly began to buckle it, crushing and creaking, warping the box until it groaned its way inwards and inwards until there was nothing left of it but a ragged ball of tortured metal.

Kaidan let the ball drop with a clang to the table below, not watching it as it rolled quickly, then slowly, then fell off the table completely and sat on the floor, still and quiet.

The bunk was hard as he sat down with little grace, his elbows on his knees as he put his head in his hands. Dammit, he thought with little feeling other than shame. Dammit. And Anderson was worried about Shepard being unstable, he thought derisively. What in the hell is wrong with you Alenko? he thought, The man just said 'I see'. He didn't call you a freak, he didn't laugh or sneer or...

Dammit, he thought again, looking across the room to find the twisted, ungainly ball, pulling it into his hand with a quick jerk of telekinesis and staring at it. You do not lose control, he repeated to himself, you do not lose control because that just feeds the flames of everyone's suspicion, understand? You do not lose control because you will not be responsible, never again, for someone getting hurt because of you. You will not lose control because Vyrrnus was an asshole but I told myself long ago that I wasn't going to live with this guilt.

But that wasn't it, and Kaidan knew that, which only made it worse. It wasn't guilt over Vyrrnus that had made him so angry. It was Shepard's reaction, which looking back on it now seemed far more reasonable than Kaidan had made it out to be in his head. He looked down at his pocket comm. guiltily. I just left him there, huh? he thought, And I don't even know if he knows his way back to the ship. Great.

He didn't have the nerve to call Shepard, right then he felt too embarrassed. Instead he pulled up his PDA and sent a direct message to his comm.

/ _Do you need me to order a cab for you back to the Normandy, Executive Officer?_ / Lt.K.A : SAM475600.0

There was a small pause, where Kaidan wondered whether he really should call. The last thing he wanted was for the XO to get lost because of him as well. Thankfully his comm. beeped a few seconds later.

/ _No need_ / X.O.M.S : SAM:NC798044.3

Ouch, Kaidan thought with a wince. Yeah, you've really messed up this time, he thought derisively as he looked at the ball of metal in his hand. He transferred to his right hand, watching detachedly as his omni-tool calmly turned on, smothering his arm in the complex orange hologram. Kaidan ran a simple conversion and synthesised the scrap into a container for a medi-gel, watching the metal metamorphose and trying to let it make him feel better.

The least he could do was make something useful out of something his anger had chosen to destroy.

* * *

 

Nihilus was a good distraction, as was their upcoming test run. First test run with an actual mission in mind, rather than just an aimless fly around with perhaps a quick jump through a mass relay to the Annos Basin and back. It was a good distraction because Kaidan was needed as co-pilot to plot the inner workings of the ship on a technical level while Joker bitched about the Spectre constantly coming up to the cockpit for updates, and XO Shepard was needed down at the Command Centre with Pressly, checking on...whatever he was checking on. Kaidan hadn't asked because he purposefully hadn't seen Shepard since his return to the Normandy.

But he wouldn't think about that, not just yet. The embarrassment was still pretty fresh. Instead he focused on Nihilus's heavy tread as the Spectre once more joined them in the cockpit. If he had been listening properly he would have noted there were two sets of footfalls and not just one.

"Thrusters...check. Navigation...check. Internal emissions sink engaged," Joker rattled off, his tone casual and relaxed, as it always was when he talked about the Normandy, "All systems online. Drift...just under 1500 K."

"1500 is good," Nihilus's tone was a pleasing hum, a rather stark contrast to the Turian's blunt and cool manner, "your Captain will be pleased."

With that he left with no further preamble, feeling, Kaidan was sure, none of the guilty twangs he had felt earlier when he'd marched back along the Presidium after being incredibly blunt to his XO. Why can't I be more like that? Kaidan thought with a little envy.

"I hate that guy," Joker said under his breath, only after he was sure that Nihilus was far enough away not to hear it.

"Right," Kaidan said with a shake of his head, "Nihilus gives you a compliment, so you hate him. Makes perfect sense."

"You remember to zip up your jumpsuit on the way out of the bathroom?" Joker said with annoyance, "That's good. I just jumped us half way across the galaxy and hit a target the size of a pinhead. So that's incredible!"

Kaidan had opened his mouth to reply but didn't get the chance. His mouth closed with a tight snap and went rather dry as he realised that Shepard had been standing there the whole time. Of course, just as he turned and noticed Shepard's presence, was the moment the XO turned and looked at him. Kaidan looked back to his control panel quicker than he really should have.

"I would have thought that a compliment from a Spectre was a good thing," Shepard said.

"Ah, Spectre's are trouble," Joker said dismissively, "I don't like having them on board, always checking up on everything, wanting to know all the little details. Call me paranoid."

"You're paranoid," Kaidan said, finding his voice; he couldn't help but hope that if he acted normally then everything would be fine, "The Council helped fund this project. They have the right to send someone to keep an eye on their investment."

"Yeah," Joker said with an incredulous note, "that's the official story, but only an idiot believes the official story."

"Hey, that's enough," Shepard's tone wasn't exactly severe but it he'd be damned if it wasn't intimidating; Kaidan swallowed and kept his eyes on his controls, "You're soldiers, not gossiping children. Act like it!"

"Sorry Executive Officer," Joker sounded genuinely taken aback and, surprisingly, contrite, "I didn't mean anything by it."

Kaidan decided to stay quiet, even though he was sure he felt Shepard's intense stare on him. Thankfully Captain Anderson interrupted their awkward moment to order a status report and request Shepard's presence in the comm. room. Kaidan felt himself physically relax as he listened to the XO's boot tread fall into the distance, swallowed by the busy hum on the Command Deck.

"Thanks a lot Lieutenant," Joker said with irritation, making Kaidan return the feeling.

"What did I do?" Kaidan said, knowing he sounded juvenile but not caring.

"Well whatever you did to piss him off," Joker said, making Kaidan feel simultaneously guilty and angry all at once. He reigned in his temper, what little there was of it, and forced himself not to snap, "I hope you make up for it. You know normally he's up for a bit of a joke but now he's calling me out on it? He's been a sour asshole ever since you got back from your little date on the Citadel."

"That isn't funny Jeff," Kaidan said; he was glad that his serious tone seemed to communicate the words he wasn't willing to say, as Joker hesitated. It could have been that, or the fact that he used the man's first name, something he never did unless it was important.

"Well...sorry, I didn't..." Joker stumbled, "shit, how many times am I going to have to apologise in the space of five minutes..?"

Another interruption, this time not one he wanted.

"Joker, could you let Lieutenant Alenko know he is needed for debriefing?" Anderson's voice jumped up into the awkward air.

"Yes sir, he's on his way," Joker had obviously decided to just act as he was expected to for the time being, so that no one else chewed his head off for an unintentional slight.

"Great," Kaidan said under his breath, but he was sure Joker managed to hear it, if the man's curious, sideways glance was anything to go by. The lieutenant left his post and walked rigidly down the walkway, round the command centre and the swirling, hypnotic map of the known galaxy, down into the lion's den where he felt like he not only didn't really belong, but was the last place he wanted to be.

Nihilus was standing beside Shepard, but there was enough distance between them, and slight animosity in Shepard's eyes, for Kaidan to know that things didn't seem to be going as well as Anderson, who was looking purposefully at Kaidan, had hoped. Kaidan thought he knew what this might have been about, considering the reason that Anderson and Udina had chosen Shepard in the first place; selecting a candidate for first human Spectre. Now, looking at the scene before him and remembering Joker's words about Shepard's change in attitude, he only hoped that his putting the XO in a foul mood hadn't ruined his chances. I'm sure he's more professional than I'm giving him credit for, Kaidan thought as he approached, well I guess I know that he's more professional than I'm giving him credit for. Shepard didn't spare him a glance, keeping his eyes instead on Nihilus, and the Turian stared right back, unperturbed.

"Lieutenant, I need you to..." Anderson started but was instantly interrupted.

"Captain!" Joker's tone was urgent, "We've got a problem!"

"What's wrong Joker?" Anderson didn't sound pleased at the interruption but he didn't dismiss Joker either. What's happened now? Kaidan thought.

"Transmission just came through from Eden Prime, sir," Joker answered seriously, "You better see this."

Kaidan wasn't sure what he was looking at. The sound of gunfire hadn't been what he expected to hear. He closed his mouth when he realised it had fallen open slightly. Everything else, all petty squabbles and emotions fell to the wayside as he walked forwards the last few steps to stand beside Shepard, staring at the view screen. A woman in regulation white armour threw whoever was recording to the ground and the view changed radically. Kaidan saw Shepard turn to him out the corner of his eye, his face taught, and Kaidan looked back without saying anything. He wasn't sure if Shepard saw what he needed to but the XO looked away back to the screen.

Then there it was. What in hell _is_ that, Kaidan wanted to ask, but he didn't dare open his mouth to interrupt the recording. It was huge, black, hulking up into the sky. Static lightning crackled around it, mostly obscured by the clouds and the shakiness of the footage. A massive, looming hand of metal in the sky, something that sent an involuntary shiver through Kaidan's biotic system. He swallowed at the incredible sound that hummed, vibrating through the speakers. Then it was a mess of dirt and gunfire and the man, woman, whoever was recording fell to the ground and the signal cut to static.

"Everything cuts out after that," Joker said urgently, "No comm. traffic at all, just goes dead. There's nothing."

"Reverse and hold at 38.5," Anderson ordered without missing a beat.

I almost wish you wouldn't, Kaidan thought as the footage rewound to the image of that...whatever it was. It made him feel a little off and he couldn't fully explain why. Eden Prime, the pride of humanity, was under attack, that he could understand making him feel like he'd just been punched in the gut, but this was different. My god, Kaidan thought as the situation began to sink in, what the hell is going on here? This was supposed to be a test run, a quick stint to Eden Prime to meet up with the troops there and pick up an artefact for the Council, right? Not a battle, not this.

Not whatever that thing was in the sky.

"Status report, Joker," Anderson was quick and professional.

"Nineteen minutes out," Joker replied, "no other Alliance ships in the area."

"Take us in, quick and quiet," Anderson ordered.

"A small strike team can move quickly without drawing attention," Nihilus spoke up, "It's our best chance to secure the beacon."

Beacon? Kaidan thought, Is that what we're here for? He wished he knew what was going on, he wished he'd been here for the rest of the conversation that was now continuing. He stood to the side and tried not to look out of place as he forced his scrambled mind to focus. Eden Prime was under attack, enemy unknown, and there was an artefact to recover, obviously precious enough if a Spectre was interested in its survival.

"Grab your gear and meet us in the cargo hold," Anderson ordered Nihilus, the Turian giving a curt nod before walking off towards the doorway back to Command, "the same goes for you Lieutenant, get Jenkins and suit up."

"Yes sir," Kaidan said without hesitation.

He turned and walked out of the door and, for a moment, tried to process the scene. Back into the thick of it, he thought as he looked to the nearest monitor, slowing his pace to a stop as he saw the bridge crewman was looking at the frozen scene from the Eden Prime recording he had been staring at moments before. Kaidan tried to kick his mind into gear but there was something about that image, something...

"Get with it, Lieutenant," the hand on his shoulder was firm but not aggressive; he turned to find Shepard pulling his hand back before walking towards the side door that lead to the elevator; Kaidan followed, "we're dropping in twenty."

"Of course, Executive Officer," Kaidan didn't want to be so formal, and Shepard was right the title was clunky and judicious, but he didn't feel like he had any right to the familiarity that they had formed.

"It's Commander," Shepard said, throwing him a little as they walked down the stairs, "Commander Shepard. Looks like the situation has accelerated things a little."

"I...right," Kaidan said, not sure what to say, "Commander."

It didn't seem like the most tactful time for congratulations.

* * *

 

He wasn't sure what he'd been expecting to see. There was a battle being waged, there were dead soldiers and civilians alike littering their route as they hurried for the beacon. We have to help these people, he thought, we have to find survivors! Anderson's words had been clear, however grating they were to Kaidan's sense of morality; find the beacon, top priority. Survivors were secondary. Kaidan felt like telling him to shove his priorities, but the soldier in him was disgraced at the thought of disobeying a direct order from as good a Captain as Anderson. He has his reasons, Kaidan told himself.

"My god, what happened here?" he couldn't help but say as he knelt down to look over the corpse of a young woman, wearing what looked like a technicians uniform, mainly obscured by blood and scorch marks.

"Come on, Lieutenant," Shepard said over the comm. Kaidan looked up and found the Commander standing over him, "we can't help the dead. Let's keep going and see if we can find any survivors."

That made him stand. Shepard, he thought as he tried to think over their situation, I'm starting to think I was right about you. What I said to Anderson, I think I was right.

They continued on until they reached a small path leading up along the edge of a shallow cliff through some well placed boulders. Jenkins was on point, Shepard next and Kaidan bringing up the rear. He heard them coming, heard the high pitched whine of gravity emitters, and new it wasn't good. Too late to shout out, too late to run forward and throw up the barrier that, if it had hit a few seconds earlier, would have saved Jenkins' life.

"No!" Kaidan shouted before the hovering mechanical warmechs that had just gunned down his teammate turned their glowing, white, cyclopean eyes onto him. He ran forwards and threw himself into cover as their energy pulses began to shatter into the rock he was hiding behind, "Commander get to cover! I can handle this."

"I've got you covered Lieutenant!"

Shepard's voice was steady and surprisingly calm; it gave Kaidan confidence. Confidence enough to push himself up out of cover and take aim, fire once, twice with his pistol while Shepard laid down suppressing fire with quick bursts of assault rifle fire. He felt the building energy in his system as easily as he breathed in and out, the amp in his brain seamlessly allowing him to manipulate the particles of element zero fused into his DNA, pulling on their latent power, focusing the electrical pulse into the palm of his hand before he used his telekinesis to pitch it into the closest of the mechs, sending the machine back in a blaze of sparks, an unearthly whine emanating from it as it careened backwards into the other mech, sending them both to the ground in a twin explosion. Kaidan ducked down as pieces of metal rained down on his head. When he looked up the coast was clear, as far as he could see. He took a moment to run forwards and clear the area, no reason to take risks, before running back to where the Commander was now crouched over Jenkins.

"Ripped right through his shields," Shepard said as Kaidan watched his Commander close Jenkins' lifeless eyes; his suit was torn and bloody, three large gory holes reaching through into his chest.

"He didn't stand a chance," Kaidan said tightly, "dammit!".

"There's nothing we can do for him now," Shepard said reasonably, "we'll make sure he's taken care of after this mission is over. Right now," he continued, his tone changing, authoritative, "I need you here, focused."

"Aye, aye sir," Kaidan said strongly as he stared at Jenkin's lifeless body, "I won't let you down."

* * *

 

It had all happened too fast for Kaidan to keep up with anything except making sure he didn't get shot and following Shepard's orders. The extra gun they picked up in Gunnery Chief Ashley Williams was much appreciated. The woman could put most of the snipers he knew to shame.

Things were too complicated. The Geth? How was that even possible? They hadn't been seen beyond the Veil for hundreds of years. Why now, why here? And that thing, that thing...

"What in the name of..?" Kaidan hadn't been able to finish his thought as he, Shepard and Williams had all looked up as one, watching the retreat of that thing he had seen on the vid, too big to be a ship but too mechanical not to be, lift off with a terrible vibrating hum, ploughing its way through the sky and leaving a heavy fog of smoke, ruin and fear in its wake.

Then Nihilus, finding his body. The name Saren being bandied around by witnesses. Rushing to the beacon, diffusing the bombs. He was just glad when the threat was over, when the Geth in their area were destroyed and they were standing by their prize with, so far, five survivors beneath their belt and a colony now relatively safe behind them. Nowhere near as many as Kaidan would liked to have said they saved but it was better than none. Far better than none.

"Captain, this is Shepard," Kaidan listened as his Commander reported in, but he wasn't watching; instead his eyes were trained on the large spike of ancient alien technology they had come across. The Prothean beacon stood, oddly calm and untouched, surrounded as it was by pieces of dead Geth and blast marks from their energy rifles, "we've secured the beacon. Relaying our co-ordinates to you now..."

"This is amazing," Kaidan couldn't help but say to Williams while Shepard continued to talk to Command, "actual working Prothean technology," the beacon shimmered with energy, running like a sheen of white oil over its glossy surface, "Unbelievable."

"It wasn't doing anything like that when they dug it up," Williams said with suspicion, eyeing it carefully before turning to walk over to Shepard.

I didn't think this was possible, the Prothean's existed over fifty thousand years ago, Kaidan thought as he took a few steps closer to the beacon, admiring its subtle and yet alien beauty. Yet, it was still a hollow victory, as far as he was concerned. They had lost so many colonists, lost Nihilus, lost Jenkins. He looked back up at the beacon, narrowing his eyes in a squint against the glare, was it really worth all this death?

Then it hit him.

Kaidan hadn't felt anything, no build of power, no surge of energy, but suddenly there was a force, a stunningly powerful force, as if some giant hand had reached down and taken a hold of him. He tried to open his mouth to call out but the breath left his lungs and he couldn't speak, couldn't breathe. He could feel his feet dragging against the ground as he tried to stop himself from moving, being pulled against his will towards the beacon. His mind raced, he tried to call on his biotic shield but his nerves were fried, he felt as if his system were overloading, sending massive surges of energy up and down his body again and again and again...

Then there were arms, tight around his middle, lifting him from the ground and he was up, airborne, until he flew back and hit the ground. He coughed roughly and pushed himself up on shaky arms, another pair of hands trying to help him.

"Lieutenant!" Williams was saying urgently, but Kaidan wasn't listening.

"Shepard!" he shouted.

His Commander was there, where he had been moments before, struck rigid by that same force, his body taught as it was lifted from the ground, the Prothean beacon luminescent as it surged with a powerful thrumming of energy, over and over, the vibrations feeding through into Kaidan's body. He struggled up, trying to run forwards, but Williams held him back.

"No, it's too dangerous!" she shouted.

"Let go of me!" Kaidan shouted back, "It's going to kill him, we have to stop it!"

"You don't know that!" William yelled back, "Or it might kill all of us if we try to..!"

Kaidan turned back just as Shepard's arms were wrenched up straight, sticking out rigidly as the beacon began to glow white hot and a thin, hideous whine filled the air, surging and building, piercing his mind and making him want to press his hands over his ears.

"Williams, get to cover!" Kaidan ordered, drawing his pistol and aiming it at the beacon.

"No don't..!" Ashley shouted.

It was all too late, whatever Kaidan had hoped to do, it was too late. For a split second everything went deathly silent and then, as if in slow motion, the beacon shone with the light of the sun and then exploded in a shower of metal, sparks and a deafening roar. He threw himself to the ground and covered his head, waiting for the tinkling and clanging of metal hitting stone to stop before he looked up.

The first thing he saw was Shepard, lying prone on his side with his back turned to him. Everything else suddenly seemed inconsequential. Kaidan struggled up and rushed forwards, doing everything he wasn't supposed to do with someone when you didn't know how badly they were injured. He pulled Shepard over onto his back and tried, with fumbling, gloved hands, to disengage his helmet.

"Dammit!" Kaidan cursed as he heard Williams rush to his side; he reached up and pulled off his own helmet before tearing off his gloves. Williams was on her comm. relaying their situation and telling the shuttle to come with a full med team, while Kaidan hurried to remove Shepard's helmet, this time succeeding. He held his hand beneath his Commander's nose and felt his breath stick in his chest when he realised, "he isn't breathing," he felt for a pulse at his throat. Nothing.

"The med team is on its way, ETA five minutes," Williams said, he voice strained.

"Too long," Kaidan said, tersely, "Williams stand back."

"What are you..?" she started to ask.

"I said stand _back_ Chief, we don't have a lot of time!" Kaidan ordered.

She did as he ordered. Kaidan looked down at Shepard, his lips turning a pale whitish pink, and took a deep breath. Just like in training, Alenko, he thought, just like you practiced. He reached out with both hands and placed them squarely against the bulky chest plate of Shepard's NC7 issue armour, closing his eyes. Imagine it, he said to himself as he allowed his biotics to flare into life, the blue glow visible even from behind his eyelids. You know where it is, if you can get his heart beating, he'll breathe on instinct. Come on, you can do this, just like you practiced.

The urgency of his training had, at the very least, prepared him for this. When Vyrnnus had his friend Jalen suffocated in order to teach Kaidan a lesson, he had used it, being the ever practical bastard that he was, as training in medical biotics. Feel for the heart, was what Vyrnnus had said in his cold, cruel tone, if you get it beating again, then they'll breathe on instinct.

They'll breathe on instinct.

Feel for the heart. Massage the muscle.

If you find the heart...massage the muscle, once, twice, three times, then a shock, the smallest shock of electricity, channelled though the current of his own bond to Shepard's system, then again push, once, twice, thr...

There was a gasping breath that was so loud and real that Kaidan almost felt he had drawn it himself. He pulled back into his own head so quickly that he gave himself a nosebleed. He reached out to steady himself, his own breath coming in gasps, and watched as Shepard, his eyes wide open and head lifted from the ground, slowly fell back into unconsciousness, his head dropping back down with a thump. Williams leaned forwards quickly and checked his vitals while Kaidan recovered, his hand shaking as he reached up to brush away the blood running from his nose and dripping over his lips.

"He's breathing," she said, sounding grateful, "and his pulse is steady. Gees, you really had me worried there Lieutenant. Are you ok?"

"I'm fine," Kaidan lied, as he pulled himself together, "I'll be alright."

 _See Alenko_ , Vyrnnus's cruel voice taunted him as he kneeled, shivering, over the gasping body of Jalen, - _Everything will be alright, as long as you don't fail_.

\-------------------

AN: Just a note that I will change small things throughout the story, just so it isn't completely predictable and you'll feel like you always know what's going to happen. That would be too conventional now, wouldn't it!


	3. Rough Road Ahead

He'd sat by Rahna in the same way. A vigil of sorts. She'd passed out from the pain after her arm was broken and at first Kaidan hadn't seen where they'd taken her because, well, he'd been arrested by Vyrrnus's subordinates as soon as they'd confirmed the Turian was dead. He was dragged out one door while she was carried out of the other. It had been a torturous three hours, sitting in interrogation while suffering under the not so gentle hands of Ordek and Tanus, Vyrnnus's lackeys. All he'd wanted to know was if she was alright; for a time, in shock as he was, he managed to convince himself she might be dead. It was only after they had been contacted by their superiors, and the story relayed, that they had given him leave, still under supervision, to go and sit with Rahna in the Medical Facility.

The same had happened on his return to the _Normandy_ , with Shepard a heavy, dead weight over his shoulders while Williams held the gun and made sure they were safe. As soon as they were back on board Shepard was carried out of one door to Medical, while Kaidan was pulled out of the other in order to speak to Anderson and give his report along with the Gunnery Chief. He hated every second of it, but his training held him in check. His presence seemed pointless considering all he was doing was repeating what  Williams had told them; she knew much more about the events than he did, as far as he was concerned. The only way he'd managed to get himself out of the situation quicker was when he detailed that he'd had contact with the Prothean device. Anderson didn't waste any time in telling him to get down to the Med Bay and get himself checked out immediately. Kaidan hadn't argued. He'd only half listened to the Doctor as she looked him over, giving him a painkiller for the headache that he already knew was going to be spectacular, while he openly stared at the man on the bed opposite him.

Shepard still wasn't moving, but he was breathing, which was always a plus. The Doctor tried to tell him not to blame himself but it didn't really register.

After she had finished her inspection he had to jump right back to it; it had been a six hour shift in Engineering, helping Adams and Grenado fix up the damage to the shuttle that it had received from ground fire as they had come to extract them. It had never made it to their position, the Geth resistance still holding out on their flight path. Kaidan used the logical, familiar repair procedures to try and take his mind off things, although he listened to announcements over the comm. avidly...just in case.

Then, as soon as his down time started, he found himself back at Med Bay. Doctor Chakwas didn't question his presence this time, only periodically told him that he should get some rest. Kaidan would just nod, from his chair beside the Commander's bed, while he wrote up his report on his Data Pad, detailing everything before he forgot it. Then he moved on to the shuttle damage, what they had managed to repair, what parts they would need to pick up on their next trip to the Citadel in order to make her fully functional again. Next he wrote a note to Anderson, letting him know that he had managed to pick up one of the Geth processing chips that had survived the self-destruct that the Geth seemed to have implanted themselves with, and that he was having the Tech's look at it.

Things went on like that for a while. Kaidan wrote up what he needed to write up, all to the steady beat of the beep, beep, beep of the mechanical arm hovering over Shepard's closed eyes, monitoring his heartbeat, respiration...

_Kaidan was so overjoyed when Rahna opened her eyes that he stood up from the chair and rushed to her side. She blinked in confusion, and he waited until she focused on him before he smiled._

" _Rahna, it's alright you're.."_

_He would have said more but the words had died in his throat. Her eyes had always looked on him with kindness, fondness, and something he'd always hoped in the back of his mind was a sort of love. Now..._

_...now she looked at him the same way she had looked at Vyrrnus._

When he fazed back in, when he tried to push the memory away, Kaidan realised from the digital clock on his Data Pad that he had been sitting staring at a half written note to Williams, thanking her for her help on Eden Prime. He'd stopped at " _couldn't have made it back without you Chief_ "; all he had to do now was put his name at the bottom and send it. Somehow he couldn't do it, it was too final, too optimistic. He was trying to be hopeful, goddamn was he trying to be, but...

The steady beeping was somehow draining his optimism more than buoying it. Shepard had been out cold for ten hours and there was no sign of recovery. Kaidan was tired, so _tired_ , but he couldn't bear the thought of sleeping. Why do I always have to look? Kaidan asked himself for the hundredth time. It should be me on that bed, it should have been me that beacon tried to kill or... _whatever_ it was it tried to do. Why did you have to be the big damn hero and throw yourself in my place, huh?

Kaidan sent the message. He put his Data Pad down on the empty bed to his right and simply sat. He didn't look at the Commander, just looked into the middle distance, sitting in the chair beside the hospital bed, his hands clasped, thumbs pushing against each other. The Doctor had left for a few minutes and returned with a protein pack that she forced Kaidan to eat. He did it, only if to stop the Doc from worrying, or glaring at him in a motherly fashion, but it sat like a lump in his stomach, only making him nauseous. He'd gone beyond the point of hunger and now all it did was roil around, forcing him to swallow down the reflux that jumped into his throat.

He felt his eyelids dropping closed and only managed to catch himself as his head nodded forwards. He looked over Doctor Chakwas shoulder to the time on her screen as she monitored Shepard's activity. 0134, it read. When had they returned? Kaidan picked up his Data Pad lethargically and sifted through his reports; 1017 was the time in the _Normandy_ 's log that they had docked. That was a long time to have no response, not even a spike of...anything.

Dammit Shepard, Kaidan thought as he put his Data Pad back down with a heavy sigh, noting the concerned look the Doctor gave him, don't you dare die on me. Maybe it was luck or perhaps coincidence, but as he had that thought he turned and looked down at the Commander, and so managed to catch the movement on the bed, of Shepard's eyelids twitching, then his head rolling to the right and then back to the centre. Kaidan stood up quickly and looked down at the man as he slowly regained consciousness. His breath stuck in his throat at the relief and it took him a second to form the words trying to get out of his mouth.

"Doctor, I think he's waking up," he said urgently, "Doctor Chakwas!"

In the short time it took for the Doctor to stand up from her desk and make her way to Shepard's bedside, the Commander had already pulled himself up and swung his legs over the side of the examination bed. He was holding his hand to his left temple, and Kaidan felt the need to reach out and steady him, but hesitated too long.

"Take it easy Commander," he said instead.

"You had us worried for a bit there, Shepard," Doctor Chakwas said as Shepard blinked his eyes and rubbed at the bridge of his nose, "how do you feel?"

"Some minor throbbing," Shepard's voice was a little hoarse and he cleared his throat, "it's nothing serious."

Nothing serious? Kaidan thought, Like hell it isn't. You've been unconscious for over fifteen hours! He held himself in check however and stood silently back while the Doctor did her first basic check, making Shepard follow her finger to check his vision, then shining a light in Shepard's bleary eyes in order to gauge pupil dilation. I'm sure that smarts, Kaidan thought sympathetically, knowing what it was like to get a good stab of light in the eyes when you had a headache.

"Well, we'll run a quick diagnostic on you nonetheless," the Doctor said in her best doctoring tone, while she pocketed her torch, "better safe than sorry, especially considering the circumstances."

"How long was I out," Shepard asked bluntly, not wasting any time; Kaidan was at least glad to see that he was back to normal.

"About fifteen hours," the Doctor said as she checked her Med-Pad, "Something happened with the beacon, that's all I was told," the Doctor explained, sounding unsure. Kaidan couldn't help but feel a guilty stab at her words.

"It was my fault," Kaidan said, making Shepard look round at him in surprise, as if he hadn't even known he was there at all, "I must have triggered something as I approached it, maybe a security field or something else. You had to push me out of the way."

He felt even worse when Shepard turned away and looked at the wall ahead of him without a word. Yup, he officially hates you Alenko, Kaidan thought with an internal sigh. He wouldn't lie, it didn't feel too great.

"Where's the beacon," Shepard asked, "what happened to it?"

"Well in truth we don't really know what set it off," the Doctor said, shaking her head, "unfortunately now we'll never get the chance to find out."

Shepard looked confused, from what Kaidan could see of his face. He took a deep breath before walking forwards so that Shepard could see him properly. So I can at least get shouted at to my face instead of slighted while he doesn't even look me in the eye, Kaidan thought with forced humour.

"...The beacon exploded," he said after a short pause, "a system overload, or maybe a self-destruct sequence, I'm not sure. The blast knocked you cold."

Another awkward silence, during which Shepard seemed to zone out slightly before blinking rapidly and rubbing once more at the bridge of his nose. Doctor Chakwas frowned at this and quickly grabbed her Medi-Tool from her belt, the blue hologram zipping open around her hand and wrist as she asked Shepard to sit up straight and try not to move.

"I think it's about time I ran those checks on you Commander, and about time you got some rest Lieutenant," she said as Kaidan made room for her, "you must be exhausted. I don't want to see you back here in my Med Bay just because you wouldn't leave earlier like I told you to."

"I...yes, you're right," in all truth he would have looked for any excuse to leave the Bay, if only because he felt that being unconscious would help him escape the reality of having disappointed his Commander to the point where the man wouldn't even address him to his face, "I'm glad you're okay Commander."

His bunk had never looked so good. Kaidan was done with thinking, done with worrying, done with stress and guilt. He unclipped his boots, pulled them off lay down on the bed and, in about thirty seconds, was fast asleep.

* * *

It felt as if he'd only slept for a few minutes before he was being shaken awake by a hand on his shoulder. At some point he must have turned over onto his side, his back facing out into the room, forcing him to roll over to see what was going on.

"Time to get up Lieutenant," Shepard came into focus as Kaidan blinked and sat up, "we're twenty minutes out from the Citadel."

"The Citadel..?" Well I must have slept for longer than I realised; then the awkward settled back in, and he realised that Shepard was just looking at him, the scruffy, half awake, big disappointment; he sat up and gave himself a mental shakedown, "Of course, sir. I'm ready to go when you are. Or did the Captain secure a meeting with the Council? Are we going straight to the Spire? I should probably change out of these, they don't smell so great, I think I got some blood on..."

"Please, Kaidan, would you stop talking for just a minute?"

He stopped talking, but he didn't feel any better, even if Shepard had used his given name instead of just his rank. The Commander took a moment to look around before finding a chair and taking a seat. Kaidan wished he knew what was going on in the man's head, but held his peace.

"Look, I wanted to thank you," Shepard said bluntly, even if he did sound a little more awkward than usual; at least he's looking at me this time, Kaidan thought, "I've spoken with Williams, she told me what happened. You saved my life and, well, thank you."

"Just returning the favour Commander," Kaidan said, still too tired to put any effort into feeling embarrassed or guilty; as such his tone was quite casual, even if his words were not, "you saved mine when you threw me out of the way of the beacon."

"You're my subordinate, Lieutenant," Shepard said seriously, "I'm responsible for you. If there is any way I can stop you coming to harm I'll do it, do you understand?"

"Yes sir," Kaidan replied, unsure whether Shepard were being friendly or unfriendly; the man's face was a mask.

"Then you'll know better than to try and give yourself brain damage next time I stop breathing," Shepard sounded angry and Kaidan couldn't wrap his head around it. One minute Shepard was thanking him for saving his life and the next berating him for doing it. Kaidan was confused but then a lot of things Shepard did didn't fit into Kaidan's structured sense of reality, "because that kind of defeats the purpose of my saving you in the first place."

Kaidan frowned. This isn't just a one way street, Commander, he thought. Maybe speaking up wasn't the best idea but he had gone beyond the point of caring about formality.

"Then it seems we both follow the same rules, Commander," Kaidan said, making Shepard frown and shift in his chair, his tone steady and sober, "I would never sit by and watch any comrade of mine, subordinate or superior, die if I could help it. And I wouldn't expect you to ask me to."

Silence. Shepard cleared his throat. Kaidan stood up and ran his hand through his hair, grimacing as he felt the grease there, smelled the smoke on his clothes and the faint tang of blood from the nosebleed. How did everything go so wrong, so quickly? He thought. Today started out so normal and now...

"Sorry Commander, I don't mean to step out of line," he said softly; change the subject Alenko, he thought as Shepard simply watched him with vague curiosity, "You really did have me worried, when you weren't breathing. We've lost enough good people today, I'm glad we didn't have to lose you too."

"Things got pretty rough down there," Shepard agreed, his sentiments vague but then Kaidan was sure he'd made the situation awkward enough for his CO without Shepard chipping in.

"Yeah," Kaidan said, letting out along breath and rubbing the back of his neck as he stared at the ground, "you never get used to seeing dead civilians. Just...doesn't seem right somehow. But then at least you managed to stop Saren wiping out the whole colony. That's something, right?"

"I wouldn't have been able to do it without you Lieutenant," Shepard said candidly.

This is what hell is like, isn't it, Kaidan thought. He'd never met anyone so hot and cold before. Is there any way you want to make me feel more conflicted Shepard? I'm sure you could kick me in the teeth and then give me a painkiller afterwards, that would be up to your usual standard so far.

"We're marines," he said instead of voicing his thoughts; keep it professional, Alenko, he thought, "we stick together. It seems like we'll need that sooner rather than later. It's been a hell of a shakedown cruise, our first mission and we have the Geth appearing from nowhere and Spectre's gunning each other down. You know that the Council isn't going to be happy about that," Kaidan rubbed at his face, trying to scrub away the tiredness he could feel clinging there, "Probably use it to lever more concessions out of the alliance."

"Politicians like to use whatever they can to their advantage," Shepard said, sounding none too happy, "you can bet that they'll be slow to believe our side of the story when it comes to Saren."

You're not wrong, Kaidan thought. This whole thing was a mess and, even once the fighting had stopped on the battlefield, it seemed that it would continue over into the boardroom. Kaidan did not envy Captain Anderson right now. Shepard stood suddenly, nodded to Kaidan and turned to leave. The Lieutenant nodded back and, assuming the conversation was over, reached down to open the trunk at the bottom of his bunk. However it seemed that Shepard wasn't quite done with him.

"Alenko," Kaidan looked up to find Shepard standing by the doorway, "I need you to know I don't blame you for setting off that beacon, you couldn't have known what would happen. And I know it might seem a bit trivial now but, about what happened on the Presidium..."

Damn, and here I thought I wouldn't have to hear about this at all, Kaidan thought. After everything that had happened Kaidan felt that Shepard's words were quite accurate. In comparison to a Geth invasion and a rogue Spectre, his personal problems were small potatoes. He jumped in before Shepard could continue.

"I'm sorry, Commander, back on the Citadel, I didn't mean to snap at you," he said, avoiding Shepard's eyes, "I was out of line and it won't happen again. BAaTT is a...sensitive topic, I shouldn't have brought it up in the first place. If we could maybe just forget about it, I would appreciate that."

One look at Shepard and Kaidan knew he'd put his foot in it again. When will I learn to keep my mouth shut? he thought.

"The mental stability of anyone on this ship is my responsibility Lieutenant," Shepard said severely, "if I can't trust your judgement then I can't trust you to have my back. If you don't talk about this with me, then I can always send you to Doctor Chakwas for a psych report."

Kaidan swallowed. It's not that big a deal...I didn't mean...

"Yes sir," Kaidan said, for lack of a better reply. Honestly, he thought that anything else he could have said would only have made Shepard angrier.

"Good," Shepard said, continuing as he walked out of the door, "I want to see you cleaned up and in the Dock in fifteen."

Shepard left and Kaidan hunkered down beside his clothes trunk, staring at his freshly pressed uniform. Remember when things used to be smooth running? he thought. Well yeah, he grabbed his clean clothes, closed his trunk and headed for the showers, something tells me that's just a memory now.

* * *

"Well LT," Williams said with a sigh, "looks like our little group is just about to get a bit more crowded."

Kaidan felt like telling her that she had been offered a place aboard the _Normandy_ , to fill the hole left by Jenkins' untimely death, and so she shouldn't really be able to complain that they were taking a Turian and a Quarian on board. Garrus seemed to be, unfortunately for Kaidan's argument, a pretty standard Turian. He was C-Sec, well, ex-C-Sec now that he'd been recruited, but from what little time Garrus had spent with them as they scoured the Citadel for clues on Saren it seemed that he wasn't beyond bending the rules and using a little intimidation here and there to get results. As for Tali, well, she seemed a little naive but she was cautious too, and with good right. Udina hadn't given her the best impression of the Alliance but, thankfully, Shepard and Anderson had also been there to straighten things out. Truthfully Kaidan was more than happy that Tali was now up in the comm. room dealing with the message that could turn the heads of the Council.

"I suppose things might get a little crowded," Kaidan said as he scooped the mess of sloppy...stuff that the cook served into his mouth and swallowed quick enough to try and avoid tasting it, "but the _Normandy_ 's big enough. Besides, a little extra expertise won't do any harm."

"Yeah, well," Williams didn't look convinced but Kaidan couldn't fathom why, "if either one of them steps out of line, I'll be more than happy to throw them off ship sir."

"I doubt it'll come to that Ash," Kaidan said with a small frown, "anyway, maybe having a few different races on board will prove to the Council that humanity isn't as bigoted as they seem to think, that we can play nice with others."

"Or just prove them right," Williams shrugged, "but I'd rather have you or the Commander at my back than a Turian any day."

What was that supposed to mean? Kaidan thought as he scraped up the last of his food, pooling the gloopy substance onto the middle of his spoon. It wasn't the first time he'd heard anti-alien sentiments but they were usually coming out of the mouth of someone much older than Williams.

"Well, thanks Williams," Kaidan said after a pause, "but everyone on this ship is a team. We all watch out for each other. I need to know I can count on you for that."

"Of course sir," Williams said genuinely, "I wouldn't let you down."

They cleared their trays and slid them and the cutlery into wall slot that led to the cleaning system, watching them pop out the bottom washed and dry moments later. Ashley put them away while Kaidan headed to the elevator. He wanted to go and talk to Tali again. He'd had hardly any time to speak with the Quarian but she was just so, he didn't know, _fascinating_. He hoped that he wasn't going to end up offending her somehow but her knowledge of their systems, after only a cursory examination, was unbelievable. He knew he'd be able to learn so much form her about their drive propulsion, their fusion core, how to reduce fuel output, from just one conversation that it made him a little excited. Unlike Williams, his conscience supplied. Yeah well, he thought hopefully as he waited for the elevator to reach his floor, I don't need another person suspicious of aliens on this ship. Pressly's bad enough but his stance makes more sense to me at least, he fought in the First Contact War. Well, maybe her parents fought in the war I guess, may have passed on their intolerance. He just hoped he was over-exaggerating Williams' words.

It hadn't been the best of days but perhaps for different reasons than he would expect. As far as he could understand from Captain Anderson, the meeting with the Council had gone south. Saren had been called in via holo-comm. to join the discussion and what little evidence they had against the Turian had fallen apart. It was circumstantial, as far as the Council was concerned. Then they had met up with Garrus, fought their way through a couple of thugs, and one drunk C-Sec officer, until they found Tali being nearly killed in the service alleyways that ran between the Wards. It was like a puzzle they had already solved but one of the pieces had been lost; that piece had been in Tali's recording on her Omni-tool.

Shame it was so scrambled that it was barely understandable. Udina had been angry, livid and dismissive in fact, but Shepard had said they would take care of it. Now she was here, working with Felawa, the communications officer, to try and iron out the frequencies and make sense of the recording. If they did, if they could, then maybe this whole mess would be over before it even started.

* * *

So much happened in the next few days that Kaidan barely had time to process it all. He had hoped that after everything they had done that things would be easier to handle. Yet now, with Saren exposed, everything had shifted. It was as if the wagon they were in had turned on its side but was still driving forwards, regardless.

 _First Human Spectre, Commander Malcolm Shepard of the SSV Normandy_ , the headlines read.

It was difficult to process. He had known that Shepard was a candidate but, well, it all happened so fast. So much so that he hadn't even known about it until Captain Anderson had asked Kaidan and Williams to meet him at the hanger bay while they were still docked on the Citadel. He had been left to stand to the side, somewhat dazed, while Udina told them of Shepard's new status, and then have the rug pulled out from under him when Captain Anderson resigned his position and handed over the _Normandy_ to Shepard as if he were loaning him his car.

Back on board, foot down, and all of a sudden he was graduated from flying under a Captain to flying under a legend and Spectre Shepard was even more of an enigma to him now than when they had first met. They'd taken their first lead, that Matriarch Benezia, the other voice in the recording Tali had obtained of Saren, was on the remote ice planet of Noveria, famous for its high tech laboratories and its discretion about its clients. Things had been messy. Red tape and internal power struggles had managed to delay them and, by the time they reached the Peak...enough damage had been done by the indoctrination of the Matriarch, or whatever had caused the researchers to go mad, that Kaidan couldn't help but feel sick at the loss of life they had been forced to cause there.

The Matriarch knew they were coming, perhaps she always had known, Kaidan would never be sure. He had always known that he was pretty powerful, as human biotics went, but his abilities paled in comparison to that of the Asari Matriarch and her commandos. Yet even as they fought, long and hard and at the expense of Williams being shot in the arm and Garrus losing a fang, Kaidan was glad he was there. He was sure that, without his ability to counter their biotic techniques, Shepard and the others would have lost more than a tooth and a little blood. They had gained the co-ordinates of the relay, but it brought them no closer to understanding Saren's intent, or his destination. Then they had found the one from whom Matriarch Benezia had taken the information in the first place; a Rachni queen.

" _Let her go,"_ Shepard had said, to the surprise of them all; _"we have no right to damn a species to extinction. We have her word and I'll hold her and all of her children to it."_

The Rachni, yet another fairy tale monster creeping out of the woodwork along with the Geth. Beside the return of two ancient threats such as them, Kaidan thought, perhaps flying under the first human Spectre seemed pretty mundane. Yet Shepard, if he was to be honest, was far from mundane. Kaidan had expected him to do what any other Alliance soldier, who knew how the council would react to letting such a threat back out into the galaxy, would have done; condemn the Rachni to extinction and stop their threat before it could even begin. Instead the man had shown that his own morals counted above what his superiors might think; Kaidan couldn't help but admire that, respect that. A man with integrity. That was a man he could follow. Yet, it didn't mean that Shepard didn't still confuse the hell out of him, for a whole other set of reasons.

" _You know, the Commander really likes to give you a hard time, doesn't he LT," Ash said to him when he visited her in the Med Bay, while Doctor Chakwas patched up her arm._

Despite his misgivings about her views on other races, he found Ashley Williams to be a difficult person to dislike. She was optimistic, upbeat, had a wicked sense of humour and was one of the best shots he had ever encountered. They'd made fast friends. Still, the question had thrown him.

" _I...don't follow you Ash," he said, frowning when she just gave him a look._

" _Oh come on, he's obviously just messing with you," she said as if to say it was no big deal, "one minute he's complimenting your aim and the next he's practically demanding you run fifty laps around the ship."_

" _So you noticed that too huh?" Kaidan had tried to laugh it off, but it only made it more of a niggling feeling beneath his skin when Ash pointed out something that was a niggling worry in the back of his mind._

" _Don't let it get to you LT, it's the same tactic my old Gunney used to pull just to keep us on our toes. Pull you in and push you away. You'll get used to it."_

Somehow, even though Williams' explanation had been both logical and tempting to accept, Kaidan just couldn't be sure that it was true.

"Lieutenant," Kaidan looked over his left shoulder to find his Commander standing a few feet away, his face unreadable, "do you have a minute?"

Speak of the devil, Kaidan thought without much humour. Shepard seemed to have made a habit of turning up unexpectedly just when Kaidan was just getting used to feeling a little more at ease. He'd been waiting at the elevator, _again_ , to take a trip down to engineering now that he was off duty for a short while. I swear this elevator is going to be the death of me, Kaidan thought with an internal sigh. He had been planning to annoy Tali with some more questions about the Quarian fleet and maybe, just maybe, ask her to take a look at his Omni-tool and see if there were any suggestions she could make for some not-so-by-the-book upgrades. So much for my relaxing trip down to engineering, he thought.

"Of course Commander," Kaidan said, turning away from the elevator just as the doors opened; Shepard seemed not to take any notice of his Lieutenant's obvious plans to leave this deck and, instead, turned and headed towards his own quarters. Kaidan followed him with a sigh soft enough not to be heard.

It was odd to think that Anderson was no longer aboard. Kaidan almost expected to see him standing there when he followed Shepard into what had been the Captain's quarters, now occupied by the Commander. It wasn't that he was unhappy with the change, not really, it was just...different. Anderson was straight forward and easy to deal with, no complications. Shepard on the other hand, well, Kaidan would have to wait and see. He hoped that things would run smoother than they had, especially now that trouble was brewing with Saren and the Geth, and the ever present background threat of that one word that seemed to be coming up a lot: Reapers. It didn't exactly sound comforting and Kaidan was sure it would be anything but good.

The quarters weren't huge but the Commander had his privacy at least, his own bed tucked away in the back, left hand corner and a trunk in the right, and up front a small workstation and comm. unit. However, it seemed a little less personalised than when Anderson had stayed there; the Captain had had holo-pictures of his family on his desk and his commendations on the wall. In fact Kaidan was sure he'd even had a small, scale model of the _Normandy_ on the now empty shelf above the desk. The rest of the room was now, just like the shelf, devoid of any traces of individualism. It told him nothing about Shepard that he didn't already know; that he was blunt, professional and wasn't interested in frippery.

Yet...his sense of humour and his penchant for introspection were not at all reflected by the mainly empty room Kaidan now stood in. Maybe that was the way the Commander preferred it. I guess I can add that he's quite a personal man to the list then, Kaidan thought as he watched Shepard.

"There's only one chair," Shepard said, indicating for Kaidan to sit; the Lieutenant did so, while Shepard sat on the edge of the small bed which faced the chair; there was a patch of silence, during which Shepard watched him closely and Kaidan did not appreciate the examination. Then finally Shepard spoke, "I don't like to beat about the bush, Lieutenant," Shepard said; Kaidan already knew what was coming, "The past few days haven't been easy. There's been a lot of upheaval, especially with Anderson leaving the ship and my taking command. And after everything we learned on Noveria, well, it seems that this issue with Saren goes a lot deeper than anyone thought. I'd like to know what the crew is thinking and, as far as Anderson tells me, you're the best man to talk to. I'd like to know your take on the situation."

Well...that wasn't what I was expecting at all. Gees Shepard, Kaidan thought as he furiously switched gears from uptight to slightly-less-uptight, you certainly don't disappoint, do you? Well, maybe this is my chance to start over, he thought, better take it while it's available.

"Is this an official report Commander," Kaidan asked, "or do I have permission to speak freely?"

"I'd expect nothing else of you Lieutenant," Shepard said with a nod.

He spoke of the Council, of their unwillingness to help when the facts seemed to be so clear, and Shepard put him at ease by agreeing. They talked of the crew and Kaidan told Shepard that, as far as he could tell, the crew was adjusting well to their new mission and their new CO. They all knew Shepard, he was part of the crew and he'd always been a solid leader even when Anderson had still been Captain, so he foresaw no bumps or acclimatisation jitters from the crew. As for Noveria, Kaidan let Shepard know that he thought there was no way of knowing what the outcome of the Matriarch's death would be and, without any further leads on Saren, that by his thinking it would be best to let the Council decide what to do with the relay they had discovered. For once Kaidan thought they'd manage to get through a whole conversation without feeling that familiar awkward tug. In fact Shepard had acted so very normally that Kaidan had fallen almost completely at ease. They'd moved onto slightly more introspective topics, something more personal, even without the Lieutenant truly noticing.

"It just takes a little getting used to Commander," Kaidan was saying, thinking of the Citadel as he spoke, at ease, "I mean, we finally get out here, the final frontier as we saw it, and we find it's already been settled. As a final push it seems like the residents aren't even impressed by the view anymore, while we sit by like recruits staring at their first star-cruiser."

"Well, well, you're a romantic," Shepard cracked an 'almost' smile, "Did you sign on for the 'dream' Alenko? To secure man's future in space?"

For a moment Kaidan's mouth opened and closed, only short, nervous laughs coming out to make the movement seem like he wasn't just floundering. Blindsided by the sense of humour, Kaidan thought, I should have seen it coming. Are you trying to butter me up, Commander? Kaidan thought, Because if so I might have to add 'cunning' to your list of personality traits.

"Heh, yeah, I read a lot of those books back when I was a kid," Kaidan said, trying to laugh off his hesitation, "the hero going to space to impress the woman he loves, or for justice," he added quickly, "maybe I was a little naive back then, maybe it was a romantic ideal, but I thought a lot about it after Brain Camp..."

I think I should just have my foot surgically removed and transplanted into my mouth, Kaidan thought, watching Shepard give him a very blank look as if to seem as innocent as possible. You knew what you were doing Commander, Kaidan thought with a sigh, don't play coy with me. He scratched the back of his neck, a nervous tick he was sure he was developing. I'm definitely adding 'cunning' to the list. He wasn't ready to talk about this with Shepard. It made him feel uncomfortable, more so than it should have. Or maybe it was because he felt as if he _should_ be able to open about this, about everything, that he tried so hard not to. You are a living contradiction, Alenko, he thought to himself.

"Brian Camp?" Shepard asked, an eyebrow raised.

"Sorry, that's just what we called it," Kaidan said, trying to rush back to his other topic, "the official name was Biotic Acclimation and Temperance Training. Anyway, my point was that..."

"Tell me about it, Kaidan," Shepard interrupted.

Kaidan stopped, took a breath and held it. It had been funny to begin with, that he had caught Shepard in the act of softening him up, it had been understandable that he would try and talk about things other than what Kaidan had expected to make him relax a little, but there was something about making Kaidan feel like _he'd_ brought it up, brought up the thing he didn't want to talk about, that irritated him. Joker may have said that he had a 'mild mannered stick up his ass', but everyone had their push point and, calm and reserved as Kaidan was, Shepard seemed to be competing for the gold in that category.

"You know, Commander" he said, trying to keep the frustration from his tone, "if you want to know about my past you could just look up my file."

"Hardly the same thing, is it Lieutenant," Shepard replied, giving him a knowing look; Kaidan didn't answer and Shepard let out a harsh sigh through his nose, sitting forwards to put his elbows on his knees and clasp his hands together, "I was trying to be diplomatic about this but if you won't give me any choice I will go through with the Psych evaluation Alenko."

"I really don't think that's necessary, Commander..." Kaidan said quickly and tersely.

"I'd rather find that out for myself," Shepard said seriously, "you're a good soldier, I've found that out first hand, and I want to trust you, I do. The only thing that's stopping me so far is this."

He had frowned as Shepard reached over to the desk on his right and tapped the holographic touch screen. The image was, at first glance, unrecognisable, mainly because he never saw he and the other officer's bunks from the angle of the security camera in the upper corner. When the footage continued to play and he saw himself walk in it was a little surreal. The blue aura around him was visible, the box being crushed seemed even more brutal than when it had crumpled before his own eyes. Kaidan lowered his gaze and felt his face tighten with suppressed, visceral emotion.

"Been spying on me, Commander?" Kaidan asked, his tone rife with barely masked resentment.

"I was simply concerned," Shepard said, "I'm not blind Lieutenant. I could tell you were offended by something I had said. If I wasn't concerned I wouldn't be asking now. After your reaction on the Presidium and what you did to that container, well, I need to know why."

So you were sitting on this information for the past three days? Why the hell did you chose now of all times to bring it up? Have you been watching me since you saw the feed, wondering if I'm some sort of walking time bomb that was going to snap at any second? Why the hell would you let me go on the mission to Noveria if you didn't think I could get the job done..? The questions rushed through his mind but the end result was the same.

Maybe that isn't the point, he thought as he looked at Shepard and tried to find some sort of emotion on his face, enough to encourage him. Maybe this isn't about your lack of control or you snapping or crushing that bloody box. Maybe this is about trust and, right now, you're not doing yourself any favours by keeping your mouth shut.

Dammit, he thought, feeling more than a little defeated. Somehow you manage to get past my shields Shepard. Cunning is officially on the list.

"I was...one of the first," Kaidan started stiffly, noting Shepard's shoulders relaxing slightly and his face losing some of its blank mask-like quality as he began to talk, "my mother was downwind of a transport crash while she was pregnant with me. I was affected in utero. It was back before anyone even knew that there was a chance for these kinds of mutations to be possible in humans, so I didn't exactly know anything was wrong until, well..."

The memory was vivid but perhaps not as upsetting as it had once been. He'd always remember his mother's face, pale, eyes puffy from crying, trying to tell him everything would be fine. He was just glad that, now, he could hide that memory beneath the new one he'd made when he'd returned to Earth; the one of his mother smiling and crying with happiness as she held him so close he almost hadn't been able to breathe. Kaidan was glad that Shepard didn't seem in any hurry to interrupt.

"One day you're going to school and then the men in suits turn up at your door and," Kaidan shrugged lightly, "next thing you know you're out on Jump Zero, the furthest away from home you could possibly be. I won't sugar coat it Commander, it was rough, but we got by because we stuck together. I had friends there and we were close, we had to be. The main problem was that this was before human biotics so there was no one to train us but those who already had biotic abilities."

"Alien races," Shepard offered and Kaidan nodded, "Turians I'm guessing, from what you said on the Presidium."

"Yeah," Kaidan said, chewing at his lip as he wondered just how much information Shepard stored on each conversation they had, "yeah it was Turians, but not exactly the best of the bunch. Conatix was the company who ran BAaTT and let's just say they were more interested in results than methods. They hired Turian mercenaries because they didn't want to go through official channels, didn't want to upset anyone back on earth who might have held a grudge after the war. Unfortunately they did it at our cost."

Sometimes some of the biggest fights with his father had come for that very subject. _How can you give them slack, how can you trust Turians, after everything you told me they did to you! His father raged._ The explanation Kaidan gave was never good enough, too liberal for his hard line father's liking. He'd stuck by it though. He wasn't about to throw away the one good thing Vyrnnus had ever taught him.

"The man who ran it all, his name was Commander Vyrnnus," Kaidan didn't mind putting a little dislike into the name, no point in hiding it, "let's just say that we didn't get along. First time we met I got on his bad side, not that I'm sure there was a good side to get on. He had it in for me from then on and I paid for it. Unfortunately, being a Turian Commander, straight out of the war, he was used to methods that were more at home in a prison camp than a training programme."

He was surprised he had managed to keep any friends, with the way Vyrrnus treated them, used them against him. In a way he could believe that his fierce sense of loyalty stemmed from them, that small group, who never gave up no matter what.

"He would punish them instead of me," Kaidan said, clasping his hands together just so he could find something to do with them, "but we stuck together and we worked through it, and for a long time that was just the way it was."

"I sense a but coming up," Shepard supplied when Kaidan hesitated.

"There was one girl, her name was..." Kaidan stopped again, "that's not important. Thing is everyone loved her, she was clever, beautiful and charming. We all tried to protect her from Vyrnnus, from what he did, but she was my friend and..."

Reign it in Alenko, he thought, taking a deep breath when he realised how much anger had seeped into his tone. He looked away from Shepard, to his own clasped hands, the fingers pale as he held them tighter together before releasing them, letting the blood flow back in.

"All she did was reach for a glass of water instead of pulling it to her biotically," he said softly, "she just wanted a drink without getting a nosebleed, and Vyrnnus hit her so hard he broke her arm. Like an idiot I stood up. I don't know what I thought I was going to do but Vyrrnus, he sure did. Beat the crap outta me, kept yelling about how they should have bombed us back to the stone age. And that was when the knife came up, right in my face."

It was difficult to remember just what he had felt in that moment, the moment he had snapped, but it wasn't difficult to replicate. Which was what Kaidan was most afraid of.

"I snapped," Kaidan said tonelessly, "full biotic kick, right in the teeth, almost as strong as I can manage now but I was only just seventeen then. After that everything went to hell, BAaTT was shutdown and, well, no one could really look me in the eye again, not in the same way."

"Seems like a bit of an overreaction," Shepard frowned, "one Turian gets hurt and they shut down their whole program?"

"I, no, it was more than that," Kaidan said, holding up his hand before dropping it slowly to his knee, "I didn't just hurt him Shepard, I killed him. I lost control and I lashed out, snapped his neck."

Once again, just when Kaidan would actually have preferred Shepard to speak up, the man stayed silent and just watched him. Would you please just say something Commander? He thought exasperatedly, Isn't this the sort of sordid thing you wanted to hear. Didn't you want your damn answer? What more can I possibly say?

"I don't really know if that's what you wanted to hear," Kaidan said with a sigh, "but if it makes any difference, that's not who I am anymore. I've worked years to make sure that I have a tight, expert control over my biotics. I've never lost control like that again, I've never killed another living soul with my training since that day, no matter what the circumstances. I know that the feed you pulled from the security camera isn't exactly corroborating what I'm telling you but I need you to know that my past is behind me and that you can rely on me Shepard, I promise you that."

Shepard stood up and Kaidan watched him with the sort of anxiety that made him feel he shouldn't look too closely at how much he valued the Commander's respect. He was distracted, however, when the Commander pulled open a compartment at the side of his desk, taking out a glass and handing it to Kaidan. The Lieutenant took it without question, wanting to ask what it was for, but his question was answered when Shepard reached further into the compartment and pulled out what looked to him like whiskey, if the colour was anything to go by. He watched Shepard unscrew the lid while he looked up as if making some quick calculations in his head.

"You've been on duty since 1000 which means you clocked off about forty minutes ago," his commander said as he lifted the bottle up and tilted it until about a double's worth of the strong smelling spirit fell out into the glass, "that gives you five hours to burn this off. More than enough, I think."

He stared down into the glass. What is this supposed to be? he thought.

"I'm not trying to poison you Lieutenant," Shepard said with a significant look and a quirk to his lips, "you just look like you could use something to help you unwind."

"Doesn't seem right to just drink it without something to drink it to," Kaidan said without thinking; Shepard looked at him a little oddly but there was a hint of amusement in his eyes, "well, how about a congratulations. First human Spectre, that's quite an accomplishment."

"Sure," Shepard said with a nod as he screwed the cap back on the bottle, trapping the heady smell inside, "let's just hope we can convince the Council of that too."

It was good whiskey, even though he only wet his lips and licked off the taste. Any more might be...problematic. Thankfully, when he looked to the still full glass in Kaidan's hand, Shepard didn't comment.

The taste reminded him of the stuff he'd stolen from his dad's liquor cabinet when he had returned to Earth, scarred, quiet, angry and trapped inside his own head. He'd drunk it until he was sick and the aftermath of shouting from his father and tears from his mother didn't really add anything to the memory to make it worth remembering. Burned on the way down, like the memory sank to his stomach with that phantom taste. He screwed up his face and shivered a little as it settled. He hadn't realised he'd closed his eyes until he had to open them. Shepard took the glass from him and set it on his workstation. Kaidan felt like laughing at the surreal nature of his situation. This may just be the first time a superior has asked me to take a drink instead of stop me drinking it.

"You, ah, make a habit of getting this personal with everyone, Commander?" Kaidan asked, not truly sure what kind of answer he was expecting to get; maybe I just want to understand you as much as you say you want to understand me Shepard, he thought as the whiskey warmed him from the inside and the bittersweet aftertaste lingered on his tongue.

"I didn't say I did this for the whole crew," Shepard said as he replaced the bottle in the small compartment before pulling it shut.

Ok _ay_ , Kaidan thought, okay. Well... _okay_. What in the hell did he say to that? It wasn't a wholly leading statement but Kaidan would be damned if Shepard hadn't said in just the right tone to make it sound, well...he wasn't sure what! Why the good god damn did I ask it in the first place? Why do you have to be so disarming, he thought as he looked at Shepard, noting the man's casual stance but, simultaneously, his intense stare.

"I'll, uh..." alright, this is getting a little out of hand, Kaidan thought, wondering how things seemed to have escalated so very quickly without his noticing, "I'll need a little time to process that Commander."

And with that he left, because he didn't know what else he was supposed to do. That seemed to be his go-to response for most of the things Shepard did to surprise him: turn around and leave. He didn't want to go down to Engineering anymore, he wasn't sure he was in any fit state to have a conversation about manifolds or drive couplings. Not because of the whiskey, he could handle his drink fine, but Shepard was...

...noble, idealistic, headstrong, brave, one of a kind, funny, odd, confusing, infuriating, anger inducing and beyond that...

Beyond that he had no idea what Shepard was. He wasn't even really under any illusion that he wanted to even consider what would be beyond that anyway. Beyond? Beyond what? Shepard was his superior officer and that was it, there was no beyond. Right. That's right.

Right?

He turned the corner leaving the Mess and banged right into the first person to cross his path. He stumbled a little and reached out to steady the victim of his carelessness.

"Whoa, steady on LT," Ash said with a smile and a short laugh, "where's the fire."

"Sorry Ash, I wasn't looking where I was going," Kaidan apologised, cursing his inability to concentrate, "how are you doing? Did the Doc fix up your arm ok?"

"Yeah it was nothing serious," she said, giving her bicep a firm pat, "I think those Asari commandos came off worse than I did in that fight."

"Yeah," Kaidan said, not really feeling up to this; this is all I want, all I need, why does he have to make things so damn complicated?

"Are...you alright?" Ash asked, drawing out the first word cautiously, raising her eyebrows just a fraction, "you're looking a little rough, if you don't mind me saying."

"I'm, no, I'm fine I just..." you just what Alenko, his mind asked him unhelpfully, you just _what_?, "I just need some time to think things over, you know, clear my head. A lot's been happening lately and I guess it's a little overwhelming."

"You're not wrong," Ash said, thankfully seeming to buy his explanation, "but don't worry too much, everything's going to work out in the end."

Endless optimism, Kaidan thought enviously. He couldn't help but crack a small smile, which seemed to cheer Ash up to no end.

"Have you seen the Commander?" she asked, "I need to ask him something."

"Yeah, he's in his quarters," Kaidan said, glad that at least someone thought he wasn't falling to pieces, "just go straight down there, first door you see on your left."

"Thanks LT," she said with a nod before passing him on her way to the Commander.

Alright, he thought, Alright now you just have some time to think things through. Get some rest. Just relax and get some rest.

" _I didn't say I did this for the whole crew"_

The words stayed with him as he walked the corridors, trying to think of what, if anything, he should say in return.

* * *


	4. Roundabout

Time had always been precious, but it was never more obvious than now. Saren and the Geth were a lurking threat in the background, like the monster under your bed, growing like a paranoia that was yet to manifest itself. You lay there waiting for something to happen, staring into the darkness, yet nothing came and nothing came, but still you knew it was only a matter of time.

Now minutes seemed like hours, hours like days, days like months. Any set back just made him think that Saren was drifting further and further away, as elusive as he already was, and that answers would surely never come. There were only rumours, of deaths covered up, sightings of Geth, of colonies going quiet and transmissions stopping mid sentence, replaced only by static.

So it was only made worse that they had been forced off track to the Hawking Eta cluster to refuel and run diagnostics, by misfortune more than design. Three hours after leaving Noveria, getting ready to jump to the Artemis Tau cluster, the lights start flashing red and Joker throws a fit.

" _It's the Normandy, Commander," Joker said tightly, frowning as he threw his hand out in a wild gesture, "something's wrong with the engine, the output is all out of whack. And our fuel is down sixty five percent, I don't understand, we were fine when we got to Noveria and now..."_

It hadn't taken long to find the source of the problem. Adams had run a full diagnostic while Tali crawled into the service vents and did it the good old fashioned way. Between them they had managed to locate a discreet bit of tampering to the system through a hidden remote device planted, they later found, on the underside of the hull. A clever little thing, it sent a signal to the ships on board computer, telling it to run the fuel injection system at 400%. The initial effects weren't truly noticeable, even if the output was drastically different. Unluckily even in the three hours from starting her up to realising the problem, it was too late.

" _It's Salarian," Tali had said as she held the device in her hands; the tech crew had spent a good hour while docked at the refuelling station locating it, "I'm guessing you didn't make any friends on Noveria."_

Kaidan had felt a physical itch at the thought of detouring a day out of their way just to refuel and run a systems diagnostic on the _Normandy_. Thankfully there hadn't been any lasting damage as far as they could see and, after a short run-of-the-mill system scan and a quick refuel, they were on their way once more. They had been headed to Therum after receiving news from the Council in regards to Matriarch Benezia. More specifically about her daughter. It seemed that Dr. T'Soni was holed up at a remote Prothean dig site. The problem was that they had lost all communication with Therum twenty seven hours ago; the planet had a heavily radioactive atmosphere which could have been the cause of the blackout in communications but Kaidan wasn't sure he could trust that assessment, logical as it was.

Matriarch Benezia's daughter. That was enough to put Kaidan in a more sombre mood than usual; they had just got done with putting a bullet in Benezia, indoctrinated as she was, and now the Council wanted them to recruit her daughter? He wasn't sure if he'd be able to look the Asari in the eye. He just hoped that she was able to understand. If she was she'd be a bigger person than any of them.

They were two hours out from Therum now. Two hours to get the Mako prepped, prepare the environmental suits to protect against the toxic gasses and almost lethal radiation of Therum, make sure the Mako was fully gassed and stocked with emergency supplies, sort the roster for the crew rotation ahead of time in case of any emergencies, study the from-orbit scan in order to gather intel and plan a route from the drop site to the Prothean dig site in conjunction with XO Pressly...there was never a dull moment these days. It was normal, it was his duty, but beneath it all Kaidan knew that the reason he felt so damn stressed was probably the man standing at the centre of the CIC with Pressly, staring at the Galaxy map as they brought up the readouts on Therum.

No, Kaidan thought as he headed down to engineering, there was no probably about it.

* * *

"Hey!" Kaidan said severely as he looked up from checking the Mako's outboard controls to shout at two nearby marines who obviously hadn't known he was even there; Gladstone, who had been throwing his unloaded rifle and some colourful jibes back and forth to his comrade, stopped smiling immediately as both he and Barret stood to attention. Kaidan stood up and strode over to them, eyes severe, "if you would like to consider donating the rest of this year's pay to cover the cost of a new Crossfire Mk III then, by all means, continue acting like a jackass."

"I'm sorry Lieutenant," Gladstone said strongly, his eyes facing forwards, "it won't happen again."

"See that it doesn't," Kaidan said, watching them both firmly, "or I'll have you on weapons detail for the next three weeks, taking them apart and putting them back together, if that's what it takes for you to gain some respect for your equipment. This might seem like down time to you, marine, but we are in a state of emergency at all times until this mission is over and I expect you to set a better example; we are not here to mess around, do I make myself clear?"

"Krogan testicles?" Shepard's voice suddenly rang out just a little too loudly across the cargo bay, "That's just not right."

It was bad timing, very bad timing and very unlucky, Kaidan would admit that. Not only had he been very cagy with Shepard ever since the incident with the drink, but Kaidan noticed that he had been much more uptight and quick tempered since then, as he was showing the two marines now. Brought together, these things led only to bad times. Shepard's words had seemed to echo out across the cargo hold, as if someone had purposefully asked for silence just as Shepard spoke. Kaidan took a deep breath and tried to ignore the need to close his eyes and sigh. He could see Shepard walking past the shuttle towards Garrus's usuall haunt, the turian at his side laughing in a low, purring hum as Shepard continued to talk, about what Kaidan wasn't sure he wanted to know. When he looked back to Gladstone and Barret, there were smirks on their faces. Those disappeared very quickly when they realised they were once more under their Lieutenant's sharp stare.

Thanks a bunch Shepard, he thought in irritation.

"Back to your duties, both of you," Kaidan said stiffly.

They saluted once more before turning and hurrying back to the weapons bench to drop off their gear, properly this time. Kaidan watched for a moment as Shepard and Garrus stopped by the shuttle, still talking. Shepard was laughing, reservedly, but he was laughing. Kaidan didn't think he'd ever seen him laugh before. He turned away and once more hunkered down beside the Mako, checking over the suspension to make sure it was nice and loose for the landing and for bumpy terrain they were sure to encounter.

He didn't need this upheaval in his life, not right now. Kaidan was an orderly sort of person, he liked routines and things that had places and people who were stable and easy to deal with. Shepard, right now, felt like the metaphorical spanner in the works. Kaidan knew why but wasn't really willing to look to hard at the issue, not yet. Still, he had been running Shepard's parting words over and over in his mind, sometimes even without noticing, until he had managed to convince himself that it was just his imagination and that he'd simply taken it the wrong way. Yet it still wouldn't leave him alone, kept nipping at the back of his mind, lying behind all of the other things he was already worrying about.

He just hoped he managed to get himself out of this black mood before they dropped on Therum. It was all well and fine to tell his subordinates to be professional and set a good example, but it would only make him a hypocrite if he didn't hold himself to that same code.

* * *

"Well, I'm glad it's you rather than me, Commander," Joker said over the comm. as Kaidan, Williams and Shepard got comfortable in the Mako, "I find lava doesn't tend to agree with my complexion. I burn easily."

"Then we have something in common Joker," Shepard said wryly, "but hopefully that won't be a problem, as long as Lieutenant Alenko didn't fake his class four armoured vehicle licence."

He's doing it on purpose, isn't he, Kaidan thought as he strapped himself into the driver's seat and secured the auto-locks, feeling the straps pull him rigidly tight against the cushioned seat. Either that or he's made me completely paranoid, he thought, glad that his face was masked by his helmet so he didn't have to hide his look of exasperation. Drop it Alenko, he told himself sternly, leave your grudges on the gangway. This is an important mission, no place for personal matters.

The heavy radiation on Therum hadn't allowed for a thorough scan from orbit, but there was just enough information for Joker to find a safe, flat-ish drop point of one hundred and fifty metres open run and for Kaidan to locate the ruins and plan the route as well as he could. There had been pockets of heavy distortion, unidentifiable but definitely reading something, but he had put it down to exposed ore deposits or maybe even further uncovered Prothean architecture. Although they had managed to get the readings they needed, Kaidan already knew that he would be relying more on his eyes than the pre-planned route on the onboard navigation system. Despite Joker's flippantness he had to agree, lava didn't agree with him either. He powered up the Mako and listened to the rumble of the engine.

"Coming up on the drop point," Joker's voice was slightly distorted and Kaidan frowned; he had expected the radiation to play havoc with their communications but he hadn't realised it was bad enough to create interference this high up.

"Copy that," Kaidan said, checking the holo-readouts on the dashboard and the panels above his head, "pressure is stable, thrusters one, two, three and four are...check, radiation shielding holding at one hundred percent. Docking bay is clear; we are good to go _Normandy_. Launch sequence initiated."

"Roger Mako 1," Joker said, "you are clear for drop in five, four, three, two..."

The last word was obscured by the heavy sound of the bottom-side docking bay doors opening and the stomach jumping shift in gravity as the Mako was launched out into nothingness. The whole vehicle shook with the force of the thick atmosphere rushing past in heavy, obscuring clouds of milky vapour, turbulent eddies throwing off his flight pattern. Kaidan mentally cursed and corrected with a quick, sharp blast from the rear thrusters.

"This is gonna get bumpy!" he warned, hearing the buzzing feedback in his own helmet.

He wasn't wrong. They cleared the clouds and Kaidan fired all four thrusters simultaneously, watching the digital readout of their altitude and elevation, trying to straighten them out enough that they wouldn't land too hard or upside down. The ground rushed up to meet them and it was only as he made last minute corrections to their elevation that he looked up from the screen as they passed over a ridge of rock and came face to face with something he did not expect.

"Look out!" Shepard's cry was urgent, distorted and far too late.

The machine loomed before them, its white cyclopean eye fixed on the Mako as they flew overhead. Kaidan swore as they lost sight of the machine, headed for the rough, red terrain, and tried to get the vehicle on the ground. They were almost wheels down when the first blast struck.

"We're hit!" he shouted, hoping they could hear him over the hissing, spitting crackle of the static. They landed hard, rocking back and forth as the heavy sound of something thudding into the ground, heavy lethargic footsteps, could be heard from beyond the hull. Kaidan put his foot down and felt his pulse quicken when the Mako refused to move.

"Williams get on the canon, now, keep that thing off us!" he heard Shepard yell as his Commander turned to look through the rear view port, before turning back to Kaidan, "Get us out of here, Lieutenant!"

"I can't, something's wrong!" he pulled up the diagnostic schematic, the small blueprint of the Mako flashing red and amber all along the bottom side of the vehicle; he zoomed in while the sound of the onboard canon began to fire in low, dull thuds, "the coaxial cable from the HO fuel cell is loose, there's no power to the engine."

"Then you buy me some time," Shepard said as he unclasped his seat belts, holding onto the chair as he stood and the Mako shook violently, "get on the gun and I'll make the repairs."

"No I'll go, Commander!" Kaidan countered quickly, "I know the Mako inside out, I can fix her fast. If you go you might take too long, the radiation will be lethal and we'll all be dead!"

"No, it's too dangerous!" Shepard shouted.

"It's getting closer! I need your help up here!" Williams did not sound like she was joking around.

"We don't have time to argue about this, Commander," Kaidan said, trying to convey his urgency over the barely legible comm. channel.

There was a moment, a moment just long enough that Kaidan could say that Shepard hesitated, before his Commander conceded with a sharp nod and a staticy "go!". Kaidan didn't think, he just jammed the door open and jumped. The thing was there, the thing was _huge_ , and Ash had been right, it was close, real close, and taking Ash's 155mm canon blasts to the face and Shepard's machine gun fire with ease.

Kaidan didn't think, he thew himself under the Mako and let his training lead him, ignoring the feel of claustrophobia, trapped against the jagged rock with the Mako rocking back and forth above him, the blasts from the attacking machine accompanied by the same shiver inducing sound he had heard on Eden Prime, the shuddering footsteps getting closer, the slight feeling of dizziness when the HUD on his helmet visor began to flash amber as radiation levels reached the first stages of contamination.

He barely remembered what he had done, except the next thing he heard was the familiar whine of the engine and there were lights somewhere by his feet and he was crawling, pulling himself across the sharp, rough rock but it was hard, really hard, harder than it should have been and then he was out and it was there, looming over them, and Kaidan struggled to his knees and his head was spinning and then there was a hand and an arm around his chest and he was hauled up, inside, the sounds around him changed and, over the noise of everything and the static and the swimming in his head, he heard Shepard shouting.

"You did it Lieutenant," it was something along those lines, Kaidan thought as he was manoeuvred into the back seat and he felt the movement of wheels over rock as Williams floored it; Shepard gave him a hard pat on the shoulder and Kaidan thought he could see his blue eyes through the visor, but it might have been his imagination, or the mild radiation poisoning, "good work, marine."

* * *

It didn't get any easier, or safer, as they progressed. The unidentifiable fuzzy blotches on the scan turned out not to be Prothean ruins or exposed ore deposits, but Geth, lots of Geth, lots of large, behemoth-like Geth.

By the time they'd reached the ruins the Mako's internal diagnostic display was flashing like a Christmas tree and making loud, serious whines as the engine tried to tick over and something trailed along the ground. Ashley cursed like a trooper but Shepard didn't seem to have the want to reprimand her, or the time, as he climbed down from the machine gun turret.

"We're here Commander," Ash said, "just. Any more abuse and I think we might have just blown up."

"Can you get us any closer?" Kaidan heard Shepard ask as he tried to sit up, still feeling the after effects of the radiation, "it's quite a run from here to the facility and I'd rather not take any chances with the radiation, especially not with the Lieutenant."

"I'm fine Commander," Kaidan said, a half-truth but still enough to make him feel better.

"I don't want to hear it Alenko," Shepard said sharply, and it was then that Kaidan, through the spike of irritation that flared at Shepard's words, realised something.

"Wait," he said, jumping in as he saw Shepard was about to argue, "no, _listen_. No static, on the radio, there's no static. Ash, what's the readout, the radiation readout."

Williams pulled up the external atmosphere readout. They all looked at it, a little confused.

"It's...green," Ash said, confused, "well, it's stable. Not great, but acceptable. We won't fry, if that's what you're asking LT."

"Well," Shepard said, eyeing the landscape outside with caution, "it's either a malfunction in the readout or it's correct. Either way I suppose we don't have much of a choice. We can't stay here and we can't get any closer. Alright people, grab your gear, we're going in."

Maybe it's the ruins, Kaidan thought absently as he struggled up out of his seat, grabbing his rifle and his pistol, strapping them to his back. It would make some sort of sense that the dig site be protected from the radiation. He moved down to the front of the Mako, only looking up when he realised his way was blocked. Shepard stood there, face hidden behind his helmet.

"You good, marine?" Shepard asked, crouched and ready to jump from the Mako.

"Yes, Sir," Kaidan replied, "as I'll ever be."

There it was again, a pause, just long enough that Kaidan noticed it. Then Shepard's head turned to the door and he hopped down onto the rough surface of Therum. Kaidan followed, his gun ready and his mind focused on nothing but the mission. He wouldn't allow himself to think of anything else.

* * *

It was fair to say that Liara T'soni was one of the quirkiest aliens he had ever met; he wasn't sure how representative she was of Asari kind, he hadn't met that many Asari in his time, but he thought she was maybe a little more naive than most. They had rescued her, rather drastically, with a very large laser, one which he was sure Shepard didn't know how to operate, if the way his CO was pressing agitatedly at the control panel had been anything to go by. Kaidan had warned him that it might be a bad idea to just shoot a wall without knowing anything about the structural integrity of the cave, but Shepard had said they would have to take that chance. When the cave began to collapse around them and they were forced to run for the elevator, Kaidan had to refrain from saying 'I told you so'. He didn't think it would have gone down very well.

One surprise fight with a Krogan Battlemaster later, during which Ash had been thrown full across the room and Kaidan had found out that T'Soni was a fellow biotic when they had both thrown a full force blast at the Krogan from opposite sides, breaking the alien's leg and giving Shepard enough time to run in and finish the job. None too soon either, as the facility literally collapsed on their heels as they ran out into the dull, auburn light of Therum, under the imposing shadow of the _Normandy_ , hovering in the air like a stern parent. They hadn't had time to stop and take a breath, however, as the seismic event didn't stop at the cave. The ground had buckled beneath them and they barely managed to make it up onto the flight deck before the rocky surface of the planet began to split with loud, abrasive cracks, followed by the hissing, dull roar of lava spewing up in fountains.

They had been forced to leave the Mako.

"That was too close, Commander," Joker's voice over the comm. was stern but there was a hint of relief there too, "any longer and we would have all been swimming in molten sulphur."

"You did good Joker," Shepard said, revealing a surprising grin as he removed his helmet, "no one else could have pulled it off."

"Yeah, well," Joker sounded a little thrown; he never was able to resist flattery, Kaidan thought as he caught his breath while they walked through the cargo hold towards the elevator, "I know I'm a genius, you don't have to pile it on. And don't think you'll get out of it that easy either."

Amazing, Kaidan thought with a shake of his head as he shuffled along behind the others, watching T'Soni looked around her with a little trepidation and yet excitement, I've never seen anyone who can stop Joker once he's started on a rant. You are quite the exception, Shepard, he thought as he glanced at the man surreptitiously.

"I want everyone to the debriefing room," Shepard said, grin gone and tone professional once more; he turned to Kaidan as he made to follow the others, "not you Lieutenant, I want you in Med Bay ASAP, get yourself checked out."

"I'm fine Commander..." Kaidan started, noting that Ash had stopped only a few feet away before turning back to join them.

"And I don't want to hear another 'I'm fine Commander' out of you," Shepard said tightly, "you took quite a dose of radiation back there and that Geth juggernaut wasn't too friendly with you either. I don't want you keeling over on me."

"Come on LT, I'll take you up," Kaidan turned to Ash as she tipped her head up and reached out with her hand; is this really necessary? Kaidan thought agitatedly.

"That's alright Williams, I'll see he gets there," Shepard cut in, waving her off, making Kaidan even more uptight, "you head up with Doctor T'Soni and make sure she gets to debriefing."

"Actually," Kaidan cut them both off loudly, holding up his hands as he kept his voice nice and level and inoffensive, even if audibly restrained; on the inside he just wanted to tell them both to back the hell off, "I think I know the way."

Making a habit of this, aren't we, his conscience supplied, walking away from Shepard when he gets too confusing? Kaidan stalwartly ignored his own flippant comment and walked to the elevator, thankfully already on this floor. He had to ignore Ash's words, only just audible, as he pressed the call button, "Y'know, he really needs to get laid."

"That's hardly appropriate Chief..." Shepard replied as they bundled into the elevator, but stopped as the quiet of the closed space surrounded them. T'Soni cleared her throat and Kaidan sympathised with her. Shepard liked to make things awkward but it was normally only around him. Seems like he's branching out, Kaidan thought humourlessly.

If he was to be truthful, he was sick fed up of the Med Bay. Chakwas wasn't too happy to see him again either and, while she ran the short diagnostic and the quick treatment of his system for the mild radiation poisoning, she seemed to revel in mothering him and, to an extent, reprimanding him for being so careless. He hadn't had the will or the energy to argue with her, instead just apologising and reassuring her he'd be careful in future. Hardly the sort of thing he really wanted to reassure her of, considering it seemed inevitable that this mission was only going to become more dangerous as time went on. Things only seemed to cause more questions now, instead of providing answers.

* * *

By the time he made it up to the debriefing room, all hell had broken loose.

"I-I didn't think he'd react this way!" T'Soni was stuttering, her eyes wide and panicky as she tried to gesture to Shepard who was currently lying on the ground, holding his head.

"I swear if I you've hurt him I'll throw you in the airlock right now you blue, ar..!" Kaidan, after hesitating out of surprise, hurried into the room and cut Williams off before she said something truly offensive.

"What the hell's going on in here?" he asked seriously as he practically walked in between Ashley and Liara, even though all he really wanted to do was get Shepard up and make sure he was alright.

"This goddamn Asari did something to him!" Williams said tightly, her eyes narrowed, "Some sorta mind...thing, I don't know. She looked at him funny and then boom! He's on the ground!"

"It's not like that, I didn't mean to...this is...I'm not used to humans!" T'Soni babbled out nervously, eyeing Shepard with unease, "He'll be alright, I promise, I think he just got a little bit of a shock. It was quite intense."

Kaidan frowned, not liking the idea of Shepard's head being messed with any more than it already had been in the past few days, but considering the plaintive and rather innocent look on T'Soni's face, he couldn't help but go with his gut on this one and give her a break. He gave Ash a significant look, to which, at first, the Chief looked surprised, then offended, but finally resigned. Williams backed off with a rough sigh and turned to kneel down and help the Commander up. Kaidan resisted the itching need to reach out and steady the man as he wobbled a little when he stood fully upright, his blue eyes blinking but slightly distant and unfocused.

"You don't look too good Skipper," Ash said seriously.

"We should have the Doc take a look," Kaidan said; the memory of Shepard lying in the Med bay, non-responsive for hour after hour, was still fresh in his mind. When it came to himself he would admit he could be a little arrogant and careless but with others? He didn't want to take any chances.

"I'm fine Lieutenant," Shepard said, waving him off as he stepped backwards and sat down carefully, still rubbing at his right temple.

"And here I thought you said that 'I'm fine' wasn't enough to get anyone out of going to the Doc," Kaidan said significantly; when Shepard gave him a solid stare he realised that he was maybe being a bit too familiar, considering where they were. Kaidan cleared his throat and continued, "really Commander."

"I honestly don't think it's necessary," Shepard said, taking a deep breath and giving his head a cursory shake, "I just need to sit down for a moment, catch my bearings."

He would have argued further but he knew his limits, or perhaps their limits. Well, he thought he knew their limits, but with Shepard he was never sure of much. Instead he changed the subject, well as much as he could change it anyway.

"I don't mean to sound presumptuous," he said as he sat down to Shepard's right, with his eyes trained on T'Soni, "but would someone mind telling me exactly what happened here?"

"We were trying to access the information your Commander Shepard gleaned from the Prothean beacon," Kaidan knew that the possessive pronoun use was probably just an oddity of English being her second, or maybe third, fourth, fifth language, but it made him feel a little uncomfortable, "I was amazed that he had even been able to survive the interaction with it, the beacons were not programmed to interact with human physiology. It is surprising you were able to make any sense of it at all."

"Well we still might not at the rate you're going," Ash said tritely, still keeping her eye on T'Soni.

"That's enough Williams," Shepard said authoritatively, taking his hand from his head and sitting up straight, "I think I can handle a little mind manipulation."

He couldn't tell if Shepard was being candid or contentious. The man's face was blank and unreadable, even as he took a long breath and blinked his eyes.

"Did it help at all?" Kaidan asked before Ash could get her oar in again.

"It's still unclear," Shepard said, his voice tinged with uncertainty and a small, almost imperceptible, amount of fear; Kaidan frowned but listened nonetheless, "there are...wires, but it's biological. Something screaming and people, I think they are, running but it's futile. They can't escape it."

"Escape what?" Ash asked, her voice slightly accusatory.

"I don't know," Shepard shook his head before looking to T'Soni, "did it make any more sense to you, Doctor?"

"I'm not sure myself," she said timidly but still with underlying excitement, "it seems to me that perhaps the beacon on Eden Prime was damaged. The vision is incomplete, there are parts missing. I think it is obvious that there is a connection between the Reapers, the Protheans and this Conduit that you spoke of, but there is nothing so far that would help us find it."

"Great," Williams said, making Kaidan sigh, "right back where we started."

"No, no," T'Soni said quickly, "that's not true. There is so much that I learned from this vision, even in its jumbled form. I'm sure if we can find the other pieces that I can work through it and understand the full capacity of its message. Saren knew you had contact with the beacon, Commander, and then he came after me. I think he knew that I would be able to help you understand it. There is still hope."

Hope. The word was both comforting and yet threatening. Their situation was bad, yes, but so far there was nothing so dire that Kaidan thought it needed hope for them to pull through it all. He wasn't sure if he was just naive or if he didn't fully understand the implications of what Shepard had seen. A need of hope implied a lack of hope and, as far as Kaidan was concerned, they hadn't reached that stage yet.

* * *

"I need you to calm down Ash," Kaidan said in his most diplomatic tone.

"I am calm LT," Ash bit back, clearly agitated, "it's just I don't see why we have to keep bringing more...unknown factors onboard. Especially when they aren't helping any."

"Alright, that's enough."

He hadn't shouted, he hadn't gestured; he had only changed the tone of his voice from 'diplomatic' to 'had-enough-of-your-shit'. It was enough to have Williams stop in her tracks, as she had been pacing back and forth by her bunk, and look at him respectfully. She was a marine above all else, Kaidan knew that by the way her training snapped her from casual to deferential in a heartbeat. She looked at him and he looked at her. He didn't want an argument, he just wanted this sorted, without having to bring up the matter to Shepard. Kaidan wasn't sure that the commander would handle Ash's intolerance well and he was almost certain that any backlash from Shepard would hurt Ash's pride more than backlash from him.

"I've heard this from you before and, when I addressed it, you told me it would never be an issue," Kaidan said, pinning her with a stare, "yet here we are again. I didn't think I'd have to reiterate this for you Williams but every person on this ship, as soon as they are part of this crew, regardless of skin tone, scales or breathing apparatus, should be as close to you as a sister or a brother would be. You look out for them like they're of your own blood, do you understand? I won't tolerate bigotry from you Williams, because I know you're better than that."

For a moment he thought she might have been either about to argue or simply leave the room. Then she lowered her gaze, only fractionally, and swallowed. She cleared her throat and looked back up.

"I'm sorry Lieutenant," she said; he could hear the resistance in her voice, but also the regret, "I didn't mean to sound like, damn, I..."

"It's something we all have to deal with Ash," he said, trying to sound friendly; he didn't want to be the hardass, it was against his nature to cause confrontation, but he wouldn't back down from his duty and his moral obligation either, "and I know it might be difficult, considering you haven't had a lot of contact with alien races and certainly not this close, but they're just people, like you and me. I don't need prejudice blurring the lines here, you understand?"

"Yeah," she said, nodding and standing a little more to attention, "yes, sir. It won't happen again."

"Good," Kaidan smiled and rubbed at the back of his neck, "come on, let's get out of here. I heard Joker saying it's Jambalaya on the menu tonight."

"Oh, that's not comforting LT," Ash groaned; Kaidan was glad to hear the familiarity in her tone, it put him at ease, "Jambalaya just means the dregs of the last four nights meals put into a slop pot."

"Maybe," he said with a soft laugh, breaking out into a smile when Ash gave him a look as if to say 'seriously?', "alright probably. Definitely. I'll buy you a nice dinner when we get to the Citadel to make up for it, how does that sound?"

"Like heaven," Ash said as they walked out towards the growing smell of unidentifiable food.

* * *

"Enter," came the voice over the comm. station, tired and resolute as it was.

Kaidan walked into the main comm. room, data pad in hand, to find Shepard leaning on the lit railing which ran around the room's circumference. He looked as tired as he sounded, eyes slightly glossy. Kaidan walked towards him, trying to watch him without being overt, keying through the reports on the luminescent screen. He wasn't sure if Shepard was up for this right now but didn't want to say that to his CO's face. Might not go down so well.

"I have the report from Adams, Sir," Kaidan began without invitation when Shepard didn't encourage him to speak, "he's gone through the damage sustained on the last mission and compiled a list of..."

"How bad is it Lieutenant?" Shepard asked frankly, pulling Kaidan up short.

"It's...not so great," Kaidan said with a shrug, trying and failing to make his CO crack a smile; what the hell am I doing? he thought, just stay on the level Alenko. He swallowed and took a breath before deciding to mirror Shepard's stance against the railing, "we lost the Mako Commander, and there is significant scarring to the underside of the _Normandy_ 's hull. It's mainly superficial but Joker and Adams are worried about how the hull integrity may be compromised by relay jumps over time, or even the next time the _Normandy_ is forced to enter low orbit. Also that Salarian device doesn't seem to have done any lasting harm but Adams said he'd rather that the engine have a full check over, just in case. Unfortunately, considering its design..."

"We need Turian engineers," Shepard finished for him, making Kaidan once more stop mid-sentence; he would have been annoyed if Shepard hadn't looked so worn out.

"Right," Kaidan nodded, "we need to return to the Citadel, Commander. It's the only way we can get refitted. I can radio ahead and have them get everything ready for us, a new Mako isn't impossible to acquire at short notice now that we have access to Spectre requisitions, but the repairs could take a while."

When no answer was forthcoming, Kaidan looked up from his data pad, from which he had been reading, and looked once more at Shepard. By the looks of it the man wasn't fully there. He's already been pushed enough today, Kaidan thought, he doesn't need you adding to that. But if he's here to look after us, his conscience piped up, who's here to look after him?

"You look like you could use some sleep, Commander," Kaidan said in as offhand a manner as he could manage.

"Not sure it would help," Shepard replied after a short pause, "sleep hasn't exactly been the easiest thing over the last week."

"I see," Kaidan said, mainly because he was unsure what else to say to that; the look Shepard gave him was part irritation and part hilarity. Kaidan couldn't help but tag on, "what did I say now?"

"I can see why you flipped out when I said the same thing to you on the Citadel," Shepard said, his smile slightly self-deprecating, "I must have sounded like a jackass."

Wow, an apology and an insult, all in one. Really, what am I supposed to take you as Shepard? This is...not the time for thinking about that. The dull glow of the imbedded railing lights gave Shepard's dark eyes a slightly sinister quality. Made him look a little ill, accentuating the dark circles that were forming under his eyes. Kaidan knew he was staring, only breaking his gaze away when Shepard pushed up from the railing and headed for the doors, indicating with a sharp flick of his head that Kaidan was to follow.

Which he did, without question; something he had been doing with Shepard a lot lately. Perhaps next time you'll pay more attention, Kaidan thought as their route turned out around the elevator on the Crew deck and headed straight for Shepard's private quarters. Going straight for the awkward there, eh Shepard? Kaidan thought as he followed his Commander inside and let the doors close behind him. He stood just inside the door and watched Shepard raise his hand to the comm. and open a channel to the cockpit.

"Joker, get us to the Citadel, ASAP."

"Roger that Commander, course corrected and..." there was a pause, filled only with the sounds of various controls being tapped and fiddled with, "we're on our way. ETA eight hours twenty minutes."

Then silence. Kaidan shifted uncomfortably and wondered, for a brief, worrying moment, whether he was even supposed to be there. Had he just assumed the Commander wanted him to follow him _all_ the way to his quarters? Christ, he thought, that's all I need. Thankfully, when Shepard turned around and sat down on the end of his bed, rubbing at his face, he looked up at Kaidan as if he had hoped to see him there.

"The Council tried to fight me on keeping Liara T'Soni onboard," Shepard just started to talk, no preamble, "think she could be dangerous."

"I don't know about that," Kaidan decided to go along with the Commander's plan of ignoring their situation, walking forward to take the seat he had sat in before, "she seems pretty harmless. A little naive maybe, but nothing to tell me straight off that she's working for Saren. I mean she didn't look happy to see the Geth, or ready to be turned over. That seemed pretty genuine to me."

"Yeah," Shepard said, not sounding wholly convinced, "but then we still don't know why Benezia turned. I just hope I haven't invited a spy onboard or, even worse, someone unaware that they even are a spy."

Sounds like the Council talking, Kaidan wanted to say. Instead what came out sounded far more personal than he had intended. Maybe it was the setting, the way they were sitting, the reminder of how Shepard had forced him to open up and, overall, how liberating that had been. Despite the confusing ending to their night it had been...nice, to be able to talk to someone about the things that worried him. Shepard was surprisingly non-judgemental. So instead of bringing up the Council, Kaidan said;

"This is the first time I've ever heard you question one of your own decisions, Shepard."

The Commander looked up, just slightly, enough to make their gaze a steady one. Then there was a small flicker at the edge of his mouth and the eyes looked back down. Progress, even if only a little.

"Everyone has their moments of doubt," Shepard said, looking into the middle distance, somewhere around Kaidan's knee.

"True," Kaidan nodded, "I suppose I've just--I mean we've just been relying on you a lot lately," smooth Alenko, he thought, "that's enough to take it out of the most positive person. You've been through a lot in the past few weeks, but you need to stay focused and not push yourself over the edge trying to be everything everyone wants you to be," I know what I want to say, he thought, but it's hard to phrase it so it doesn't sound like a put down. Or a come on, "and sometimes you need to rely on others too."

"Meaning?" Shepard asked, that familiar defensiveness back again.

"Meaning you don't need to always throw yourself into harm's way," Kaidan said, skirting the topic, "sometimes you need to let us do the dirty jobs."

"If you're talking about Therum..." Shepard's back was definitely up now; Kaidan kind of sympathised. He hadn't been very receptive to Shepard's probing last time they had sat here like this either.

"I'm not just talking about Therum, Commander," he said.

Shepard continued to stare off into the distance, only moving his eyes to the comm. unit for a seeming lack of a better place to look. Kaidan tried to measure the depth of his stare, to see how many years into the past it was trying to go. He guessed that it was far further than the last week or so considering the disturbed hollowness that showed there; Kaidan had to wonder just how much Shepard realised he was giving away just with his eyes.

"I don't like to lose people," Shepard said tonelessly.

"Like on Akuze?" might as well be blunt about it, Kaidan thought.

"Been reading my file, Alenko?" Shepard's tone was even but his words were sharp, as was his gaze when he focused back into reality, looking up at Kaidan from under his brows.

"Actually I was there when Anderson selected you for the Spectre candidacy," Kaidan said, sitting back in the chair, hands on his thighs, "a few things came up."

There was a slight hesitation, then a nod of understanding, then Shepard sat up straight, his gaze wandering once more.

"Do you want to," Kaidan let the moment linger for a second, enough to pull Shepard's eyes to him, "talk about it Commander?"

"No," Shepard said bluntly, seeming to realise that his answer was not only candid but aggressive and adding, "thank you, for the offer, but no."

"Okay," Kaidan nodded, sitting forwards a little so that he could stand easily when he needed to; there seemed to be a subtle feeling in the air that was asking him to leave, "well, you know where to find me if you do. I don't want to overstep any bounds here Commander but, well, I appreciate that you're a good leader but you're different too, you _listen_ , really listen and that's a rare quality. Just remember that it isn't always a one way street, Shepard."

He stood to leave because Shepard was staring at him oddly. It wasn't that it made him feel awkward, it just made him feel silly for saying what he had. Christ Alenko, he thought, you sound like a god damn shrink. Leave the man alone, he's just going through a hard time. He doesn't need you preaching at him like some sort of jerk with all the answers. Well, at least I made a little progress, he thought, trying to counteract his defeatism as he pushed the chair back under the desk. Then...

"It's Mal," Shepard said suddenly, taking a deep breath and letting it out as a long sigh through his nose, "my name is Mal, Kaidan."

Once again Shepard had managed to halt that progress, or maybe derail it completely, or, in truth, if he looked at it closely, maybe it was Kaidan's own insecurity which hit the speed bump Shepard had put in his way, causing it to fly off the tracks.

" _I don't usually like to blur the lines of command too far, Commander,"_ was what he had wanted to say, was what he should have said, was what he damn well wished he could say but...beneath the sometimes stern, sometimes jokey, often professional mask Shepard wore, Kaidan thought he might have seen just a hint of desperation in his eyes. So his reply was less a rejection of the metaphorical hand Shepard seemed to be holding out to him and more;

"Right. Mal."

He found himself standing there, looking down at the man, and realised that he was definitely staring this time, far too obviously, so much in fact that he was beginning to confuse himself. He licked at his bottom lip and tried to think of something to say. He grabbed at the first obvious thing which would not only change the subject but allow him to leave.

"You haven't eaten," he said it as a fact more than a question; Shepard looked at him with confusion, as if his already sleep deprived brain were trying to catch up with the sudden change in topic, "Since we got back, you haven't had the time to...I'll get you something from the Mess," he had already turned to leave when he heard Shepard stand.

"No, there's no need, I can get..." Shepard said hurriedly.

He had taken a few steps towards the door, but turned when the Commander spoke, stopping too quickly because suddenly Shepard was there, in his personal space, barely a foot from him, his eyes bright, not dull and lifeless as they had been while they talked, and neither one of them seemed to have the presence of mind to back off. The air was filled with the tension brought on by the sudden shift in tone, the sudden change from doddering and awkward to god damn unavoidable, in your face, deal with what you've been pussyfooting about for the past month. Shepard opened his mouth, as if to say something, but the buzz of the comm. rang out loudly, signalling someone was outside the door. They both started guiltily; Shepard's eyes flicked to the door and back but neither moved.

Fuck, Kaidan wanted to say out loud, hearing the buzzer ring again, what do you want? Tell me what you want Shepard, you're driving me nuts. This is insane and I can't deal with it anymore. Then the door opened unexpectedly and Ashley Williams walked in, unannounced, "Sorry Commander but I have to..."

He knew why she stopped. He knew because, as far as Kaidan could tell, it was just as bad as it looked. Ash's face was a little struck, but her eyes were unsure, and she obviously didn't want to say anything. Kaidan mentally slapped himself across the face and forced his mouth to talk and his feet to move.

"I was just heading to the Mess," his tone was surprisingly calm, even and strong, "I'll get out of your way."

He walked out, let the door close behind him, took a subtle breath to steady himself and then headed down to Engineering in order to speak with Adams and let him know he had updated Shepard on the situation. He knew he was calm and composed on the outside, but inside he was simply saying 'fuck' over and over and over again.

This wasn't what he had thought of when he had wondered how to deal with Shepard's subtle almost-come on from a few days before; this wasn't what he had thought of when he'd tried to consider forcing their relationship back to a purely professional one. Shepard was Commander Shepard, Spectre and War Hero, respected member of the crew and a man whom he could follow into battle. You should fucking know better Alenko, he thought angrily, you should know what this sort of brazen emotion brings. Don't you respect your career enough not to jeopardise it? Don't you remember what Rahna did to you? Don't you remember it crushing the fucking life out of you because you thought you'd found someone to accept you and love you and be with you and then...

Fuck my life, Kaidan thought vehemently. You're an naive fool, Alenko, and you're using your fear and worry about the Reapers and Saren and the Geth, using the thought of all the people missing and death you've seen and the hideous husks of what was once human rushing at you with that hideous scream, and the uncertainty that's been heaped into your life with the Protheans and the Council and suddenly finding someone clever and brilliant and charming in his own unique way and you've let it go to your fucking head like a hormonal teenager. It's just attraction, nothing more than attraction, because he paid some god damn _attention_ to you and now you can't stop thinking about him but you can't do this because if you did they'd fucking court martial you both and there's no time for this, no place for this, the mission is too important and...

And because this is your home, the _Normandy_ is your home, and if you don't have that what the hell do you have? A disappointed father and a mother who's just trying to hold everything together as it falls apart; a head full of bad memories and out of date technology that you're barely compatible with.

You can't lose this because, without it, you're just that broken, aimless drunk with nothing to look forward to but the next bottle and a lonely existence trapped inside your own skull. Don't throw that all away for what's lying behind those blue eyes.


	5. Staggered Intersections

Bad dreams came with dark thoughts, and Kaidan sometimes wasn't sure whether they were waking dreams or perhaps just memories that were haunting him. They had docked at the Citadel and Shepard hadn't been as magnanimous, or perhaps carefree, as Anderson on their last trip. There was no shore leave, not while the Normandy was docked only for repairs. The only reason Kaidan had managed to escape from the hanger was to rendezvous with the Turian engineering squad who took great pains to make him feel as if he were somehow responsible for the damage to the precious _Normandy,_ before thankfully passing them over to XO Pressly.

It hadn't made his black mood any brighter.

He had promised to buy Williams dinner when they landed, a good excuse to take any spare moment to relax because the time onboard was tight and taught with nerves and agitation, but now the option no longer seemed open. He'd sort of been looking forward to it but now, well, not anymore. Since she'd walked into the Commander's quarters Ash didn't seem to know how to react to him. She was courteous, polite and distant; in other words, the complete opposite of how she normally acted. He would have asked, he would have brought it up, but the thought made him feel a little ill. So far she hadn't mentioned it and, well, he would rather that than have her tell him she was taking this to Anderson.

As far as she knows you haven't even _done_ anything, he tried to tell himself. But _I_ know I have, was his only answer. It made him close his eyes and hold the bridge of his nose. Hell, I sound like my father, Kaidan thought, and not in a good way.

He called a cab and requested C-Sec headquarters. The soft hush of the door and the purr of the grav-engines was soothing; made his eyes droop, only catching himself when he realised there was nothing but darkness. He blinked his eyes open and realised that the cab had already stopped. I guess now I know how Shepard feels, Kaidan thought as he stepped out and walked to the nearby elevator, it's pretty damn exhausting when something's on your mind all the time.

Especially when it's something important and yet, considering the bigger picture, not.

* * *

"You are not authorised to enter here," the Asari Spectre said for the fourth time, holding her gun imposingly.

"And I've told you that I understand that," Kaidan said, slowly losing the ability to be diplomatic, "many times now. I have authorisation from Spectre Malcolm Shepard, I'm only here to secure our vehicle requisition transfer..."

"Spectre Shepard has not authorised your access," god damn but the Asari managed to be condescending just with their eyes, Kaidan thought as he felt his shoulders tighten, "I will have to speak with him to confirm this."

"Alright, I'll get him on the comm.," Kaidan acquiesced.

There were two reasons Kaidan hadn't wanted to do just what he was doing now, one reasonable and one unreasonable. On the one hand Shepard, he had been informed over a ship-wide comm. just as the man left the _Normandy_ , was going to meet with Captain Anderson and secure a meeting with the Asari councillor in order to talk about the incident with Matriarch Benezia and any new information that might have been found. He had taken Liara T'Soni with him. On the other...Kaidan didn't want to see Shepard. Was it cowardly? Yes. Self-centred? Yes. Fortunately he wasn't willing to delay the refitting of the _Normandy_ just because he was worried about interrupting a meeting, or his own personal embarrassment.

"Can this wait, Lieutenant?" Shepard's voice was curt but his tone level; Kaidan hoped that it was because the Councillor was being unreasonable, and not because he had called.

"I'm sorry Commander," Kaidan replied, "but I'm down at Spectre headquarters to validate the requisition for the new Mako, and I'm being stonewalled, they say I don't have access."

"Right, of course," Shepard said, and there were sounds like voices in the background, fading in volume as if Shepard was moving away, "sorry, I meant to radio ahead and let them know but I got a little distracted. Can you transfer me over?"

Distracted, huh? Kaidan thought as he transferred the signal from his omni-tool to that of the Spectre. He watched her speak to Shepard and tried not to think about that. He took it back, he hoped everything was going well with the Council. The last thing they needed was to be messed around by them more than they normally were.

"I understand that, Shepard," the Asari was saying, "but as you have not been previously authorised at this checkpoint you must complete the security scan before the system will accept you. Yes, that is correct. No, you cannot perform the action without being here. Alright, I'll expect you then."

That sounds good, Kaidan thought sarcastically, accepting the call back when the Asari tapped a few controls on her omni-tool.

"Seems like it wasn't as simple as I thought," Shepard's voice appeared back in his ear, "I need to come down and authorise my presence in the system. I still have some things to do here first, can you meet me at C-Sec in an hour?"

"Of course Commander," Kaidan said, while inside he wondered what the hell he was going to do for an hour with time to kill.

"I'll be by the elevator," Shepard said as the background voices began to phase back in, "Shepard out."

He walked away from the Spectre, he walked away from C-Sec, he walked away from his thoughts. Kaidan let his feet walk him half an hour, up and down stairs and along corridors, until the low 'streets' and bright lights of the Wards became too much. He took the elevator up to the Presidium and walked out into bright, fake daylight. There was what seemed to be a small cafe nearby. Kaidan decided that he was hungry, even if he hadn't registered that he was, took a seat and ordered something vaguely recognisable from the Hannar who had floated to his table. It turned out to be some sort of sandwich, made of what he couldn't tell, but it tasted reasonable. The water sparkled. People walked by.

" _I know he ordered them not to let you have any food today," Rahna was smiling as she handed him the small bundle of freeze dried vegetables and reconstituted protein chunks, "you're a terrible liar Kaidan Alenko."_

Everything here was so plentiful. He looked around as a well dressed Asari walked by, a tall Salarian on her arm, smiling. He wondered if they'd ever gone hungry in their lives. He wondered if anyone out here, on the forefront of the civilised galaxy, could understand that feeling of being grateful for the bare necessities of life. It seemed unconscionable here, under the fake sun, in amongst the lush, neatly trimmed, alien bushes, that there was any notion of true poverty or hardship. The idea that out, beyond the walls of the Citadel, there was a dark, cold presence watching them with unknown intent. That one day soon all this could be nothing but rubble, if Saren got his way.

Is that where the attraction comes from? He thought as he stood, leaving a credit chip on the table, and walked to the nearest transport to call a cab, Some conceited idea that he's just as scarred as you are, just as warped? That there's some sort of connection ingrained in misery? he thought as the cab flew with a low hum over the bright lights below. Kaidan found himself back at the elevator to C-Sec as if he were stuck in some odd, recurring cycle. I don't think that could ever be true of us anyway, Kaidan thought as he travelled down in the elevator, the lights washing over his face in waves as he descended, considering I don't think I truly understand Shepard at all.

Liar, his conscience accused him as the doors slid open. He took two steps outside and looked to his right to find Shepard speaking to someone he didn't expect. He caught Shepard's eye; the Commander nodded to him, turning back to the large, very scarred Krogan before him to say a few more words. Kaidan waited a few feet off until the Krogan turned to leave and Shepard joined him.

"Trouble Commander?" Kaidan asked, alert.

"No," Shepard replied, a mischievous glint in his eye, "just recruiting."

"Recruiting?" Kaidan took a second to catch up, turning to walk with Shepard towards Spectre HQ, "a Krogan? Is that wise?"

"I suppose I won't know until I take him onboard," Shepard said, not at all phased by Kaidan's incredulity, "normally I'd be a little more cautious but then I thought about how powerful that Krogan Battlemaster we fought on Therum was. Thought about how useful it'd be to have one on _our_ side. That changed my mind a little."

Truth, Kaidan thought, but a rather reckless truth. Doesn't seem like Shepard, he thought, which maybe only supports the fact that I don't know him half as well as I think I do. They jumped through the hoops the Spectre imposed upon them. Shepard registered himself in the system, they finalised the requisition for the Mako, and were told it would be delivered to the _Normandy_ within the next two hours. They left together and shared the elevator back up to the Docks, to where the _Normandy_ lay waiting to claim them home.

* * *

The space within the elevator was terse in a way only they seemed to be able to share; somewhere in between obvious and ignored. There was no noise, something he found odd, no hum of machinery, or swish of displaced air. Just silence. Kaidan could feel Shepard's eyes on him but he wasn't sure how he knew. Everything seemed oddly calm.

Until suddenly the movement of the lift halted, causing a stomach turning jolt, the lights momentarily went out and Kaidan swore under his breath. The emergency lighting slowly illuminated the lift space, coating everything in a vague red glow. Great timing, he thought as he reached out to touch the flashing holo-panel beside the sullenly shut doors. The hand that restrained him made him jump a little. He looked at Shepard and found his dark eyes, seeming black in the red light, watching him as he powered down his omni-tool.

No, surely this wasn't...

"Every other time I try and talk to you, Alenko," Shepard said as he leaned back against the elevator wall, "you find an excuse to leave. Or you just leave without saying anything at all."

"Commander..." he floundered, "what the hell are you doing?"

"Have something I need you to answer Lieutenant," Shepard said, his voice steady and candid, far too much so.

"This is insane," Kaidan said to himself, "they'll get the lift working again soon."

"I don't like to play games, Lieutenant," Shepard said, straightforwardly, seeming to carry on regardless of Kaidan's interruption, "so I need to know. Last night..."

"Dammit Shepard!" Kaidan bit out tightly; he'd had enough, had _enough_ , "this is hardly the most private place to talk about things!"

Shepard pushed up off of the wall and tapped his wrist, signalling to his omni-tool.

"I cut the audio and video feeds too," Shepard seemed less like the man he had come to respect and more like something bizarre and fantastical, "what's the use of being a Spectre if you don't use the status to your advantage?"

"I can't...what are you..?" Kaidan found, only as he felt the wall behind him, that he had taken two steps backwards; Shepard followed his movements.

Then there were hands on either side of him, beside his throat as it convulsed in a swallow. Shepard was there, right there, _right_ there in his face, leaning in to pin him to the wall with no more than just his gaze. He shivered, let out a breath and felt it coast back against his face as Shepard smiled.

"Tell me it's not what you wanted," Shepard's voice was odd, slightly distorted, "tell me this isn't what you want."

"I-I..." Kaidan felt his throat tightening up, he couldn't speak, his fingers gripping futilely against the smooth wall pressed up against his back.

"Tell me this isn't what you need," Shepard's voice was nothing but a buzzing purr as his head slid out of view and the words spoke directly into his ear.

A leg forced its way between Kaidan's and a body pressed fully against his. His throat tightened and tightened and he couldn't breathe; he tried, so hard, so desperately, to form the words that he thought he was going to scream. Shepard leaned back and suddenly, jarringly, nonsensically, Williams was staring back at him, her face serious and her eyes hard. Kaidan shook his head and tried to deny it all, tried to say it wasn't true.

"Liar," Ash said, before she leaned in and touched her lips to his.

Kaidan did not jolt awake, he opened his eyes calmly and looked around the dark bunk lethargically. His heart was the only thing to give away his anxiety, racing as it was. He drew back the small curtain that covered his bunk and waited as his eyes adjusted to the very low night-lighting in the main area. Nothing was moving, no-one was awake. He let the curtain fall back, laying his head down against the pillow.

He reached up and touched his brow, feeling the slick sheen of sweat there. Dammit, he thought as he moved his legs uncomfortably. The sweat he could ignore, the swimming in his mind he could tolerate, the remnants of the dream clinging to his consciousness he could stand, but the throbbing heat between his legs he could not. He licked his lips and felt the dream and reality fade in together as it slowly began to slip from his memory. He closed his eyes, trying to hold onto the remembrance of Shepard's stare, dark and almost unrecognisable, gazing down into him as if ready to take the answer for himself whether Kaidan wanted him to or not. He tried to hold onto the phantom feeling of hard heat pressed against him as he slid his hand down across his abdomen and under the elastic waist of his boxer shorts. He kept a hold of Shepard's voice as he took hold of himself and began working the solid flesh in his hand.

_Tell me this isn't what you want_

God Shepard, Kaidan wanted to moan. He bit his lip and let out a harsh breath through his teeth. The hand around his cock became unfamiliar as he spurred on the fantasy, became long, elegant fingers, calloused and rough from where he knew Shepard held his gun. His other hand absently trailed down across his side, teasing against the sensitive flesh there.

_Tell me this isn't what you need_

The sucked in breath was loud but he didn't care, couldn't care. His breath sped up as his hand sped up. Dark eyes. He gripped harder and let his lip slip from between his teeth. The building pool of ecstasy sitting deep in his gut tightened. He screwed his eyes shut tighter, letting out a gasp as the material of his boxers rubbed against the head of his cock roughly. Oh Christ, he thought as he held his breath and imagined, faintly, that he could feel the soft whisper of breathing by his ear. Kaidan came silently, swallowing down the guttural groan he was desperate to let loose as he felt his abdomen spasm. He shivered, feeling the sticky wetness against his hand as he purposefully slowed his breathing.

As the very brief afterglow ended, Kaidan lay on his back, blinked open his eyes and stared at the small, dark space before him. Everything was suddenly very real, no dream, no imagined subtle, fingers, no imagined breath teasing against his ear. He felt the shame crawling up across his skin and sighed, getting quietly up out of his bunk, grabbing his clothes and heading for the shower in the next compartment.

* * *

"Isn't it a little late for you to be awake Lieutenant?"

The soft, curious tone of Liara T'Soni was both agitating and welcome. Agitating because he hadn't really wanted to talk with anyone as he walked round the ship, pretending he was going somewhere. Comforting because it gave him an excuse to stop thinking himself into a black hole. Kaidan paused by the door to the Med Bay, turning to look at the Asari seated at the low-lit table in the Mess. Two engineers walked along the walkway to the gun turrets, talking in low voices. He opened his mouth to reply but, in the face of something else he didn't truly relish doing, he hesitated.

"I'm not an expert on human sleep cycles," Liara said, holding up her hand and smiling nervously, a small laugh following her words, "only this is the third time you've passed me in the last half an hour. I'm guessing you are not sleeping well?"

He nodded, for lack of a better reply. He and Doctor T'Soni had barely spoken since Therum. He wasn't sure that he really had any right to talk to the mild mannered Asari. The shame of what he had done stuck in his throat.

"Oh, good," Liara said, her relief audible, "here I thought I was just going to offend someone else."

"Someone else?" Kaidan asked cautiously.

"Oh, well, it was nothing really," she said, trying to downplay her statement, "only I was trying to make things well between myself and Gunnery Chief Williams and...I don't think it went as smoothly as I had planned."

"I wouldn't take it to heart," Kaidan stepped in quickly as T'Soni's eyes looked away, embarrassed; his need to help momentarily overrode his guilt, "Williams has a quick temper. She doesn't mean half of what she says."

"That's comforting at least," the Asari smiled, a small but seemingly genuine smile, "I just hope I fall into the right half."

I guess there's no avoiding this. I walk away from one trouble and straight into another, Kaidan thought as he took the seat across from T'Soni. The Asari looked at him quizzically. Kaidan wondered how on earth he was supposed to broach the subject he had in mind. Eventually, as it became painfully obvious that he was floundering, and as T'Soni's look became awkward and unsure, he forced himself to spit it out.

"I wanted to say," Kaidan cleared his throat, joined his hands together and looked Liara in the eyes, "I'm sorry, Doctor T'Soni, about your mother."

"It's Liara," she said softly, but the hollow note there was unmistakable, even with her already unfamiliar alien inflection, "please."

"Liara," he nodded.

"And I...I appreciate your condolences, Lieutenant," she sounded polite, forcedly so, but whether that was to stem her own emotion or not was beyond his ability to comprehend; he was good at reading people, really good at it, but right now he was too tired and turned around to think clearly, "Commander Shepard told me that you were there when she passed."

"Yes," Kaidan wasn't sure what else to say; think of something Alenko, he urged, "she was a brave woman. She fought against Saren's control. Without her we'd still be guessing in the dark as to where to even start looking for him."

"I..." Liara did not seem to know what to say and Kaidan hoped he hadn't said too much, "thank you. That means a lot to me."

He offered her a smile and, thankfully for him, she accepted it. Though her pale blue eyes said more than her words could. Kaidan couldn't blame her. He had no idea how he would have coped if he had been sitting across the table from the man who had killed his mother, no matter how reasonable the excuse was. He liked to think he could be as calm and diplomatic as Liara, but in truth he knew that would never be true.

"I know this might seem difficult for you to understand," she continued cautiously, "but I do not blame you for her death, any of you. My mother was a proud matriarch, wise and kind. The last thing she would have wanted was to live her life as a puppet. She...she will have chosen her own fate, no matter how responsible you feel for granting it."

It was as comforting as it was sad. Kaidan felt better, but guilty for it. Here I am relieved that she doesn't hate me, while her mother is still dead. Perhaps she's right, he thought, maybe it is difficult for me to understand. He would be the first to admit that he knew little of Asari culture. The way they dealt with death was a mystery he was only now beginning to learn.

"Besides," she continued, as perhaps only looking for something else to say; at least I know awkwardness isn't restricted purely to humans then, Kaidan thought, "all of this has brought me here. It's exciting, to be aboard the _Normandy_ that is; I have never done something this rash and spontaneous. It is a little exhilarating. And your Commander Shepard," there she was again with the _your_ , "touched by working Prothean technology! He's a fascinating specimen."

That he is, Kaidan agreed. He tried not to think about that, instead aiming for a little humour to lighten the mood.

"Sounds like you want to dissect him in a lab somewhere," he said with a lopsided smile.

"What? No!" Liara looked like a deer in headlights, suddenly stricken, "I did not mean to insinuate, uh, I did not mean to imply that, oh, I only meant that he would be an interesting sample for in depth study, oh, no, that's even _worse_..."

"Whoa, wait," Kaidan lifted a hand and stalled her rambling, "it was only a joke. I was joking."

"Joking?" she looked momentarily confused before her eyes widened and she brought her hand to her head, "joking. Oh by the Goddess, how could I be so dense? You must think I am a complete and utter fool. This is why I chose to work alone, far from others, on remote planets where no interaction is required. I always manage to say something embarrassing when I'm around other people."

"It's fine, really," Kaidan let out a small laugh, "in fact between the biotics and the tendency to say the wrong thing at the wrong time, I think we have more in common than I realised."

He was glad to see that this time his humour appeared to put Liara at ease. The rattling beep of an incoming call on his omni-tool interrupted the silence, which Kaidan was grateful for. He sat up and answered the call.

"I'm sorry to wake you Lieutenant," Shepard's voice was slightly tinny over the comm., "but I need you in the CIC."

"On my way Commander," Kaidan answered before ending the transmission; "excuse me Liara."

"Of course," the Asari said, nodding to him as he stood.

Seeing Shepard was a little disconcerting at first, what with the strange disconnect between dream and reality stuck in the back of his mind. Clear your head, he thought as he walked over to Shepard and Pressly as they stood by the navigation console. That's the _last_ thing you should be thinking about right now.

"That was fast Lieutenant," Shepard said as he walked over to Kaidan.

"I wasn't asleep," Kaidan explained, feeling a little exposed; he changed the subject, "you wanted to see me Commander?"

"We're coming up on Feros," Shepard's words were professional, but his eyes were probing as they continued to watch Kaidan closely, "fifty minutes out. I need you to get a strike team together. We've had no contact with the colony in over fifteen hours but the last transmission mentioned the Geth and that things weren't going too well. I want you to prepare for civilian casualties and hostile ground fire."

"Yes Sir," Kaidan replied succinctly.

Shepard looked as if he wanted to say more but thankfully he didn't continue. Instead he nodded to Kaidan before turning back to Pressly and continuing their conversation. Kaidan left without hesitation, sending a comm. to Williams and Gladstone, both of whom he knew were asleep, and Barret and the Krogan, Wrex he was sure Shepard had said his name was, who he knew would be in the cargo hold.

* * *

"Y'know, from the moment I heard that you took down Fist by breaking his jaw, Shepard, I knew you'd be fun to be around," Wrex said as they took cover behind a haphazard bundle of crates, "but I hadn't realised just how much!"

With that bloodthirsty statement Wrex threw himself out from cover and ran with a loud cry at the three husks who were blindly charging their way. Kaidan leaned out to give cover fire, only to find there was no need. Wrex had decapitated the first husk, spraying pieces of bone, brain and metal over the wall as the creature fell lifelessly to the ground, and was already laying into the next with what sounded, bizarrely, like laughter.

"You sure know how to pick 'em Commander," Ash's tone was incredulous but, in a way, relieved.

From the moment they had landed on Feros things had gone south. Kaidan had watched as the first civilian they had managed to talk to was gunned down right in front of his eyes. It was a foreshadowing for what was to come, it seemed, as every civilian they had come across had either already been dead or in the process of becoming so. He kept his cool because that's what he needed, what these people needed, someone level headed and decisive. It didn't stop him being so angry on the inside that he was taking a sick sort of satisfaction in every Geth he gunned down as they made their way to the colonists.

On reaching Zhu's Hope, the source of the distress call, they managed to secure the colonist's position, or what was left of it, with their unruly spray of containers and people, fractious and scared. Shepard took Ash and Gladstone with him in order to speak with the head of their resistance while Kaidan, Barret and Wrex were sent to secure the access points to their ramshackle base.

"Can't believe they've managed to hold out this long," Barret said as Kaidan helped him lift a long piece of scrap metal using his biotics and secure it diagonally against the rest of the barrier they'd begun to erect, "it's amazing how quickly you learn to hold a gun when you're fighting for your life."

"And it's amazing how quickly you die when you have no idea how to use it," there was too much humour in the Krogan's tone as picked up a crate, in one hand, and dumped it on top of the barrier.

"Less talk more work, people," Kaidan said with authority, mainly because he didn't want to deal with Wrex right now and also because Barret looked like he was spoiling for a fight.

The barriers were haphazard and ultimately climbable, but with the limited resources they had it was all they could do. Kaidan ordered Barret to patrol the perimeter while he and Wrex headed back to where they had last seen Shepard. They met half way while Ash and Gladstone hung back by one of the containers; Kaidan didn't like the look of decisiveness in Shepard's eyes.

"Perimeter secure, Commander," Kaidan reported, "or as secure as we can make it."

"Good work, Lieutenant," Shepard said, "we've spoken with Fai Dan, it seems that the Geth have set up their base at the ExoGeni HQ, up on the eastern spire."

"You mean one of the towers we flew past on the way in?" Kaidan asked, instantly not liking the sound of this.

"That's right," Shepard nodded, "I'm going to take a small strike team up, myself, Ash and Wrex, see if we can find out what's going on. They say there's heavy resistance on the Skyway, it could take us a few hours to get there and back. I want you to stay here with Gladstone and Barret and secure the colonists. I don't want anything to get through."

"Sounds risky Commander," Kaidan tried to argue subtly; sounds far more than just risky, he thought but kept it to himself, "wouldn't it be better to leave Wrex in charge of defence? We've already seen what he's capable of." If you're going then I'm going with you, he thought strongly.

"I understand your concern Lieutenant," Shepard said, "but I'd rather you were here. I need someone I can count on to make strategic decisions in case the Geth come back. I know you'll look out for these colonists."

"Yeah," Wrex said, "I'd rather be where the fight's at, not babysitting a bunch of ship rats."

"Then you're with me, Wrex," Shepard said, giving Kaidan a look as if to say 'see why I'm not leaving him here?', "Anything goes wrong and I want to hear about it Lieutenant, understand?"

"Shouldn't I be saying that to you, Sir?" Kaidan knew he was overstepping bounds again.

"Let's hope not Alenko," Shepard gave him a disarming 'almost' smile, before he turned and walked off as if nothing at all were the matter, Wrex plodding at his heels.

* * *

Everything seemed to be fine. That was the part that disturbed him the most later on; everything had seemed to be fine. Hindsight was twenty twenty, as they said.

"I don't know," he heard Gladstone's voice as he walked through the compound, trying his best to help out in any way he could with supplies or menial tasks, "just feels like I'm being watched, y'know?"

"Yeah," Barret's reply was unsure but there was a hint of wariness in his tone, "I know what you mean."

"Everything alright marines?" he asked as he walked round the corner of a container to find Gladstone and Barret still on their patrol; they looked a little surprised at his sudden appearance but didn't react further.

"Yes, Sir," Gladstone said, "everything's quiet here. No sign of the Geth, not since the Commander left."

"Good," Kaidan said, wondering if he should press them on the matter he had heard them discussing; it's just jitters, he tried to explain the situation away, waiting on the edge of a battle is sometimes more difficult than a battle itself, "keep it up. I want you to report in every fifteen."

"Sir," the pair saluted sharply.

He left them to return to one of the colonists, Macha Doyle, a young woman he had gotten talking to. She was trying to get the water supply working but, as far as Kaidan could tell, it would take someone to go down into the tunnels below them and see what the blockage was. He wasn't willing to risk leaving the colony unattended, not after Shepard entrusted their safety to him. In fact, now that I think about it, Kaidan wondered as he walked through the open ended containers which the colonists were using as their base of operations, nearly everyone he spoke to had some sort of problem that involved them leaving the base to complete.

"You're being paranoid, marine," he muttered to himself under his breath; it made sense that all the problems they had involved going somewhere they couldn't go for fear of the Geth. I'm not going to let the suspicious talk of two marines get to me.

He listened to the reports from Shepard as his Commander radioed Joker; from the sounds of it, it wasn't good. He considered not tuning in his frequency to pick them up but...he'd rather know than not know. If the Commander was in trouble he wanted to be on the ball so he could do something about it. Then the Commander fell off the grid and Kaidan began harassing Joker to the point where the pilot actually snapped at him that he was 'Doing everything he damn well could!' and that Kaidan should calm down and wait. Waiting wasn't something that came easily when there was nothing but radio silence and the open stares of those around him. The subtle feeling of itchiness on the back of his neck, as if he were being watched, was something he attributed to his own worry.

Things were tense, even though nothing was happening. Gladstone reported in every fifteen minutes but there was never anything to report. The man's voice was calm and even, no longer holding that slightly fearful tone, for which Kaidan was glad. The last thing he needed was for his marines to be jumpy and get themselves or someone else hurt. He continued his vigil over Zhu's Hope and tried to stay positive, even as Shepard's silence continued.

It was an hour and a half later when the first staticy, garbled message tried to force its way through his omni-tool. Kaidan had been in the middle of organising a shipment of supplies to be prepared for one of the colonists, Reynolds, who had told him the colony was running dangerously low on food. He stepped away from the man and tried to answer the call, feeling eyes on his back as he did so.

"This is Lieutenant Alenko, come in!" he said for the third time, but all that answered him was interference and fragments of words.

"...there Lieu...an you read m..." he recognised Shepard's voice and, guiltily, felt instantly relived that the man was still alive; he knew that Shepard was a tough son of a bitch and it would surely take more than a few Geth to take him down, but he'd been worried nonetheless, "...out of...eed to g..."

"I do not read you Commander," Kaidan spoke loudly, worried that the bad transmission might be going both ways, "there's too much interference. Repeat all, do you copy?"

"You need t..." the transmission had been stable but was suddenly swallowed once more by static; Kaidan tried moving, walking a few steps forwards, hoping vainly to clear the signal, "...t of ther..."

"Commander, I do not read you! Please repeat all after..." Kaidan repeated strongly, turning around to try and walk back to where he had been; then he stopped.

The static and garbled words continued to filter through into his ear but all Kaidan could think about were the ten people who were suddenly standing in front of him, their eyes trained on him, their faces stern. The colonists had lost the fear that had been present in their eyes since their arrival. The other two were the last people he had ever expected to be there.

"Gladstone, Barret," Kaidan said, "do you have something to report? What's going on here?"

"...eutenant!" the voice was growing stronger, "do you...ad me!"

"Commander..."

He would have said more, but the sudden sharp crack at the base of his neck sent a flaring pain running down his spine that made his knees buckle from under him. He felt his biotics flare in self defence, but as he tried to release the blast from his body, enough to push everyone back, he hesitated. They're civilians, he thought for a split second. Enough time for Gladstone to pull back and ram the butt of his assault rifle against his right temple, sending him sprawling against the ground, barely conscious, his head swimming.

"Secure him," the voice was cold and sharp; all he could see were feet walking into his field of vision, "he's a biotic. That is why the master has had trouble with him."

"Alenko do you rea...me!" the static was almost clear, "You ne...to get out of there!"

"Shepard..." was all he managed to croak out before someone reached down and plucked the omni-tool from his wrist, the orange hologram dissolving instantly.

"Take him down, like they did with the Asari," the voice said again, "the Master thinks this one is important to Shepard. He will be useful as leverage."

It was nothing but a blur and the pawing feeling of hands upon his body. He blinked his eyes and felt himself lifted into the air. I can't, he thought dazedly as he tried to move his hands, what is _happening_? He head ached and he couldn't see clearly.

He thought he heard machinery, the whine of an engine and the banging of something loud. Something. Gladstone, he thought as the light changed to dark and he heard the ringing of metal beneath footsteps, why was this happening?

There was a hideous smell in the air.

He drifted in and out of consciousness.

 _Do you read me_? He thought he heard Shepard's voice. Is this a dream, he thought as he felt himself laid out flat, felt metal rungs press against his cheek.

Wake up Alenko, he thought as he blinked his eyes open and forced his aching head round to see someone standing over him, the light was dim and he couldn't see clearly. Wake up. The figure came closer and Kaidan tried to lift his arms but he felt weak, drained, and could offer no resistance as the face of the figure swam into view; an Asari, stone faced and eyes dark. Once more he felt himself raised from the ground.

"No," he managed to choke out, unable to move; there was something in the air, that _smell_ , it was primal, it was wrong. As he finally managed to regain a sense of awareness Kaidan realised, too late, that he was terrified.

"Do not fight it," the Asari said as she turned him around and continued to lift him up.

What is it? His mind tried to comprehend as his eyes widened. Oh God what _is_ that? Kaidan opened his mouth to call out but was given no time. He tried to bring his biotic shield up but it was useless. The tentacles wrapped themselves around his face and he was no longer being lifted by hands, but pulled up by the suction. Then all light was extinguished and Kaidan tried to scream but it was too late.

He couldn't breathe, he couldn't see, he was surrounded, enveloped in a slick mass that squeezed against him tightly. He wanted to tear away the pressure from his face, he needed to _breathe_ , but his arms were pressed to his sides and there was no room. He panicked, trying to move and failing to gain any purchase against the thick membrane around him. Oh God, his mind raced, I'm going to die. He thought he heard the beating of a heart as his chest convulsed involuntarily as he tried to pull in air. His body shook as the last of the oxygen began to dwindle. He felt something heavy side around his neck before wrapping up over his mouth and nose.

Oh god, he thought, oh god not like this.

Then there was something pressing against his lips and he didn't have the will or the presence of mind to stop it as it entered his mouth. He fought pathetically, out of sheer instinct, as the thing continued past his mouth and slipped slickly down into his throat. Kaidan gagged and tried to kick, but there was something around his legs and whatever he was inside was as tight as a glove. He could feel it moving around inside of him and he wanted to scream. He felt sick. The pain in his chest was unbearable as his lungs tried to gasp for air they could not reach. He felt his nerves firing as he tried to call on his biotics to send out a pulse, anything to get him _out_ , but it was too late, he had come too late and now he couldn't think, he couldn't think, it was...

Then all of a sudden he could breathe, he could _breathe_ , yet it was not him who was breathing. He was being fed air, he could feel it, yet his traumatised body did not seem to be able to make sense of the sensation. He tried to struggle against the disconnect between breathing in and out and yet the horrifying feel of the thing in his throat, seeping down into his body. Help me, someone help me, please god, he thought frantically.

Just as suddenly as he had begun to breathe, so did he relax. He felt it swim over him like a sedative. The tension left his muscles and the fight left his mind like a hazy memory. Kaidan felt the tremors against his skin, akin to blood rushing. He realised the heartbeat he had felt was not his own. He wanted to be worried but he could not fathom why. The slick feeling against his face moved slightly as he felt himself settled further inside. No, he tried to think, no something is wrong.

_This one's mind will submit_

The voice was not a voice. It was akin to a thought within his own mind. Kaidan took it badly. The calm feeling began to waver. He could feel something at his ear and the reminiscence of panic began to filter into his system.

_Flesh one will obey or we will break it_

His head swam and he could feel his own mind turn traitor. Give in, it said, don't fight it. Oh god, please _no_ , he thought, stop, stop this. The feeling of fighting against his own mind was a frightening thing; he could not fully comprehend it. There were flashes of memory, but not memories as he knew them; feelings, thoughts, thousands of years passing through his mind as cars pass along a street. The thing against his face tightened and the protuberance inside him moved slightly. He felt himself wretch but his body was already relaxed.

 _Old growth will purge scurrying thoughts_ , Kaidan shook under the force of the tone, so reasonable, so true, _You are at one now_

I will...not fight, Kaidan felt the resistance in the thought even as he thought it. The symbiosis began to take effect. It breathed in, he breathed in. Its thoughts were his thoughts. He thought he could see Shepard, see Ashley and Wrex, but not through his own eyes. There was a distorted sense of twin being within him. He felt calm.

Ages seemed to pass. Time was as nothing. The thoughts continued to flow and Kaidan breathed in and out. He could feel himself all over the compound, thick, heavy creeping tentacles holding him above the abyss. When he was eventually lowered, feet first, back out into the air, he felt it as a loss. His wet skin was cold against the clammy air. Part of him, deep and buried, wanted to run, to run and never look back, but it was small and insignificant now. He looked up through two sets of eyes, the thing still tight around his face, still breathing in and out.

"What have you done to him!" Shepard's voice was grating against his ears, "Alenko, can you hear me?"

Nod, it said to him. Kaidan followed it as if it were his own mind commanding his body. Shepard looked fierce. There was no compromise there. Ashley stood behind him, her face stricken but clouded by hate. They will kill us, the thought was instant. Kaidan knew it as a fact. He could both see and feel the Asari standing next to him, feel her talk as if it was both through ears and mind.

"I speak for the Old Growth, as I did for Saren. You are within and before the Thorian. It commands that you be in awe!"

"I need what you gave to Saren," Shepard said cautiously, even as his fingers fidgeted on the trigger and he shifted subtly on his feet, "let him go and we can talk."

"The Thorian does not take orders from those that scurry," the Asari said as she drew her weapon; Kaidan could feel the need to protect, the need to preserve. He felt his arm reach back and grasp his pistol, holding it up in front of him, aimed straight ahead at the flesh that stood there, "you will submit or these ones will destroy you."

"LT what are you doing!" William's voice was piercing, he looked to her even though the movement was difficult, against the will of the all, "It's us, we're here to help! Don't let it use you!"

"We sustain this flesh," the Asari spoke, even as Kaidan knew there was something wrong, "if you destroy us, it will die," it was...a lie. That was not true. Kaidan frowned and his hand wavered, his gun lowering slightly. He could feel the thoughts like fingers in his mind.

"You do that and you're dead meat," Ashley said in a dangerous tone, "dammit LT come on! Commander, it's going to kill him!"

"You don't know that," Shepard, the voice was so familiar, "Alenko, look at me." Kaidan could hear the thoughts wavering as he obeyed the order. Commander. He looked to the man. Shepard. His eyes met blue eyes.

_Right. Mal._

The pistol dropped from his fingers and he heard the sound of bullets as the Asari fired. Kaidan reached up with his left hand and did not hesitate as he felt his nerves flaring and sent a heavy biotic blast straight into her side. She flew over the railing and disappeared into the murky undergrowth of the abyss. That was when his mind returned, that was when he realised where he was, what was happening; that was when the air stopped flowing.

Kaidan panicked. His hands came up to claw at his face, at the tentacle wrapped tightly around his mouth and nose. He could see Shepard run forward, could see Ash firing at something odd and hideous that was running for them, see Wrex jumping into the fray. He could heard the Thorian rumble furiously, a hideous squelching as it tried to bat Shepard away. Kaidan tried to pull against the suction, the hideous thing moving in his chest. Then there was an arm around him, someone holding him still and suddenly there was something wet and hot trailing down over his face and the tentacle around him went limp. Kaidan fell to his knees and heaved, reaching up to take hold of the end of the tentacle and pull, gagging as he felt it slide disturbingly from inside of him. He lost his grip on it and choked, his hands wet, but then Shepard was there, his eyes focused. He sheathed the knife he must have used to slice through the Thorian's tentacle and then grabbed it and pulled and suddenly Kaidan could breathe again and it was all he could do for the next few moments as Shepard hauled him up and he tripped after the Commander, an arm around his back, holding him upright.

"They just keep coming!" Ash was shouting as he and Shepard rounded the corner, finding Williams and Wrex firing against three tangled, skeletal humanoid creatures that seemed to rise from the ground itself.

"We have to get out of here Williams," Shepard shouted in reply, "carve us a way through!"

But it was still there, there in his mind, those thoughts, those memories. Kaidan brought a shaking hand to his head and felt the growth swell and shriek behind him as if it were still there, in his head.

"Shepard," he somehow managed to say, his voice ragged and weak, his throat agony.

"Don't talk Kaidan," Shepard said, firing with his free hand, "I'm getting us out of here!"

"There," he continued regardless, pointing up at the thick, bulging tentacles that wrapped around what appeared to be stairwells leading up to what he knew was the surface, "It feeds from there. Kill it Shepard, for god's sake _kill it_."

It was a long and arduous fight. The Thorian was a master of manipulation and this was its domain. Kaidan held on to Shepard and tried his best to fire his rifle but his hand shook too badly to aim.

It was only as he heard the Thorian's scream as the creature struggled and snapped and plunged down into the abyss above which it floated, that Kaidan felt a sense of peace, no matter how small, form in his mind.

* * *

"I thought I wasn't to see you back here again."

Doctor Chakwas sounded as if she were only joking, but the look in her eyes said anything but.

"Sorry Doc," Kaidan croaked out, his voice nothing but a harsh whisper, as he sat on the side of the bed.

The check up showed no lasting damage. Nothing hideous like the internal bleeding he had thought he might have sustained, or damage to his implant. Everything checked out; the Doc gave him some antibiotics to stave off any infection that could have come from the Thorian, painkillers for the blunt force trauma on his temple and neck, and some soothing liquid for his throat. Then she let him leave for which he was glad. For one he didn't think he could stand being in the Med Bay a second longer and for another he needed a shower. He had been through decontamination already, but that didn't mean he didn't feel the need to scrub his skin until it felt raw and tingling.

When he put his face under the spray he couldn't stand it. The feeling of suffocation, of the wet slick heat against his face. It made him panic so badly that he had to move back against the wall and catch his breath, pulling in heavy gasps of air. He washed quickly after that, dried himself and then headed to his bunk. He sat down on the edge of his bed and closed his eyes, taking slow, steady breaths.

_This one is weak_

His eyes started open and he felt his breath catch. Kaidan reached for the vial of fluid Doctor Chakwas had given him and unscrewed the soft top with shaking hands. He swallowed the fluid and almost gagged, forcing himself to drink it even as his body rebelled and his eyes watered. He stood, walked purposefully to the door and out into the corridor. The first thing he saw was Ash, standing tensely against the wall with her arms folded. As soon as she caught sight of him she stood up but then didn't seem to know what to do with herself after that. Kaidan blinked his eyes and wiped away the moisture there, coughing roughly. Shit I hope she doesn't think I've been bloody crying in there, that's all I need.

"You alright LT?" she asked, taking a step towards him.

"Yeah, just the medicine the doc gave me," he said as he pocketed the empty vial, "not the nicest tasting stuff."

She gave him a half-hearted smile and he felt his shoulders relax, even if only a little. You don't want to talk about this, a part of him thought viscerally. But I need to know what happened. Gladstone, Barret, the colonists; I need to know they're alright. He suppressed a cough and tried to breathe shallowly.

"I need you to tell me what happened Ash," he said, "everyone at Zhu's hope, did they make it?"

"Yeah, yeah they did," Ash said quickly, "turns out the whole colony was under the control of that...thing. The Thorian?" the name sent an involuntary shiver through him but Kaidan did not visibly react, "but the Commander talked to the Fifth Fleet and they're going to get help from the Admiral. And our guys are doing fine. Gladstone is pretty shaken up though. I think you might need to talk to him. He, uh, he really feels bad about hitting you."

"Wasn't his fault," Kaidan started automatically, then stopped, realising that Ash wasn't the one who needed to be told this; he needed to tell her what he thought, what he meant, what..."Look, I'm sorry Ash, about before, I wasn't exactly thinking straight. I heard your voice, when I was in there, you brought me back. I would never have pulled the trigger, I...god I..."

"I know LT," Ash was quick to jump in; her face was serious but her eyes were bright, "I know."

Pull yourself together marine, he told himself sternly. Ash gave him a friendly pat on the shoulder and a small shake.

"You had us worried!" she laughed, even though her eyes were still bright, "who would have known that being eaten by ancient alien creatures was going to be something we signed on for, huh?"

"Yeah," Kaidan let out a chuff of breath, forcing a smile, "and here I thought nothing could get worse than the cooking around here, then something goes and tops it."

She seemed sufficiently fooled by his offhand manner. Kaidan was glad. The last thing he wanted was to be pitied.

* * *

Shepard found him before he found Shepard. Maybe it was because he'd been so focused on getting back into the thick of things that he hadn't even thought about being debriefed. He'd headed down to engineering and spoken to Tali, waving off any concern the young Quarian had, to which she had thankfully been quite receptive. She was to the point and her logic was rigid; he appreciated the stability as he tried to understand what modifications she had made to the engine core. Her rich, exotic accent was also soothing, took his mind off things. He had just been about to have her take him through the new update to the cooling manifolds when a voice startled him.

"Lieutenant," Kaidan looked over his shoulder to find Shepard standing there, eyes stern, "didn't Sergeant Williams tell you you're needed in debriefing?"

"No, Sir," Kaidan added, taken a little by surprise, "it must have..." _slipped her mind_ , he wanted to say, but then Ash was the last person he wanted to get into trouble so, "right away, Commander," was what came out.

They rode up in the elevator and walked to the comm. room, set up for debriefing, in silence. Kaidan thought he could feel Shepard beside him somehow; it made him feel jittery. Or maybe it's because I'm repressing too much, he thought as he walked into the room behind Shepard. You can't keep it all locked away in your head and ignore it, he thought. Can't I? He retorted, Why the hell can't I? Jesus, arguing with yourself now Alenko? he thought, That's a great sign.

There was no one else in the room. The door slid shut behind him and he felt somehow trapped. He hovered by the doorway while Shepard walked into the centre of the circular room. The Commander turned and looked at him, a slight frown on his face.

"Everyone else has been debriefed," Shepard explained as he walked to one of the seats nearest the door and sat down carefully.

"Of course," Kaidan said with a slow nod; he wanted to sit but the feeling of being trapped was playing havoc with his nerves. Instead he stood by the second seat to Shepard's left, his arms folded.

"Care to take a seat Alenko?" Shepard asked, his frown still in place.

"I'd rather stand, Sir," he replied as courteously as he could manage.

"Alright," Shepard said with a soft sigh, "I've heard from Gladstone and Barret but, as far as they can remember, everything is a little fuzzy after 1500 hours and that's about an hour and twenty before I tried to contact you at Zhu's Hope. I need to know what happened down there Lieutenant."

What happened down there? Kaidan's mind raged. God what's wrong with you Alenko, he thought tightly, calm down!

"As far as I could tell," Kaidan said, pulling his folded arms tighter, "nothing happened Commander. Everything was fine, I couldn't tell that anything was wrong at first. There was...I mean Gladstone and Barret were talking about feeling watched. I put it down to combat jitters. They haven't seen much action like this before. Then everything evened out, everything seemed to be alright. Then you tried to call and...well the next thing I knew the whole damn colony, just about, was on me. Someone hit me in the back of the head. Gladstone cracked me here," Kaidan touched the side of his head tenderly; he knew he was speaking fast, too fast to seem calm, but he couldn't stop, "then I was out of it. I don't know how long for. Next thing I really remember was an Asari, there was an Asari talking to me, then I..."

Then you what? I know what, Kaidan shivered, taking a deep breath and closing his eyes.

"The Thorian?" Shepard's voice was so cautious that it was aggravating; Kaidan looked to him and nodded sharply, "do you have any idea why it took you?"

"I think it had difficulty trying to control me because of my biotics," Kaidan latched onto something else to say rather than the real reason the Thorian had given for taking him, though it came out weak and whispering; he cleared his throat and repeated the words more clearly, "one of the colonists said it was having trouble with me because of my biotics. I have stronger mental shields than the average human, I think maybe...maybe it couldn't get to me as easily as the others."

I almost wish it had, Kaidan thought. Anything rather than what it had to do to tame me. _The Master thinks this one is important to Shepard._ Kaidan shivered and rubbed at his forehead, closing his eyes. When he opened them again Shepard was there, standing in front of him.

"Are you alright?" he asked quietly.

"Yes Commander," he lied a little too stiffly.

"You know Alenko," Shepard said with a shake of his head, "if you want to lie to me you'll have to do better than that."

Fuck you. The thought was instant and visceral and Kaidan couldn't explain why, not right away. He felt sick, just a little, because for a moment he was worried it hadn't been his thought at all. It's dead, he thought as Shepard watched him warily, it's _dead_. It can't talk to you anymore, it's gone. It was then, as he calmed himself, that he thought of what Shepard had said as he had stood there, controlled and almost helpless to the Thorian's will.

"The information," he said suddenly, "the Thorian, it's dead. Did you get what you needed? I mean, it spoke to Saren, did it tell you why?"

"Actually there was a bit of a complication with negotiations," Shepard said uncomfortably.

"Dammit," Kaidan swore, making Shepard sigh; his anger was taught and it made him feel like punching something. This isn't you, something in the back of his mind fought, this isn't _you_ , "you should have bargained with it Shepard. Now how they hell are we going to find out what Saren was after?"

"Calm down Lieutenant," Shepard's tone was severe and commanding but Kaidan couldn't heed the threat there, just turned and stared at Shepard as his Commander spoke, "the Thorian wasn't interested in negotiating."

"Yes it was, yes it _was_ ," Kaidan argued, feeling a little light headed, "it was just me in the way, wasn't it? If I hadn't been there you could have talked it down, that's what you're thinking right? But that's crap and you know it is! You could have done it anyway, but you didn't!"

"You're out of line marine," Shepard's eyes were hard and his face stony and unresponsive; he carried on regardless.

"You don't like to lose people," Kaidan snapped back, "I know, but sometimes that's the only way to get what you need Shepard! You can't save one person and doom thousands more..!"

He would have continued, if he hadn't felt the light headedness reach its peak. He took a step forwards and stumbled. Shepard reached forward to steady him, a hand firmly clasped around each shoulder. Kaidan took a staggering breath, then another, then he closed his eyes and brought a hand up to his temple. God, fuck, what am I saying? I...I don't even know anymore.

"I'm sorry Shepard," he said roughly, his throat raw from shouting on top of the other abuse it had suffered, "I don't know...I didn't mean to say that."

"It's alright Kaidan," he opened his eyes and looked straight ahead; Shepard hadn't moved. He still had a tight hold on him, "I think, after the day you've had, I can cut you just a little slack."

"Commander," Kaidan felt so damn ashamed and he knew why; not that he would ever tell Shepard, he was hardly sure he could explain it to himself.

"Shepard," the man said back with a genuine smile, an easy smile, a charming smile, that he didn't think he'd ever seen before.

"Mal," Kaidan said, trying to mirror the smile but failing; Shepard let out a short laugh and shook his head, making sure Kaidan was steady before he released his grasp.

"Good to know you're still in there Lieutenant," Shepard said, not backing away; his eyes turned serious once more as he continued, "I'll admit, I thought we'd lost you for a minute there, back on Feros."

"Yeah," Kaidan scratched the back of his neck and nodded, "so did I."

You brought me back. You can't say that Alenko, his mind pleaded. Damn would you listen to how that sounds?

 _Shepard_.

He had told Ash that it had been her voice that alerted him to the reality of what was happening. It had been. She had pulled him back from the brink, but it had been Shepard that saved him. The memory of Shepard that forced him to remember who he was. That one name, it went round and round in his head as he'd held that gun, pointed that gun at his friends.

"I think..." Kaidan cleared his throat, wincing at the painful action, "I think I might have something we can use."

"What do you mean?" Shepard asked, switching effortlessly to Kaidan's sudden change of topic.

"I mean that when I was...in there," he suppressed a shiver, "I was, I guess I was one with it. I had a share in its memories as much as it had a share in my own. I think there might still be something left in my head but I can't get at it."

"There was an Asari, we found her trapped on one of the upper floors," Shepard nodded, "the Thorian had been using her to make clones for thralls. She said she'd worked for Benezia, that she'd been indoctrinated by Saren. She said something similar to me."

"Then you found what we needed?" Kaidan asked, looking at Shepard.

"I think so, although she was quite disorientated," Shepard said, "she said that her biotics made it possible for her to communicate with the Thorian, that's why Saren used her. That could be why it took you too. If you think you have any information we could use, Lieutenant, I'd be grateful if you would volunteer it. I'll ask Liara if she could perhaps help you to remember."

"Yeah," Kaidan nodded, not exactly enthusiastic at the prospect; he felt like an even bigger asshole for shouting at Shepard when the man's decision hadn't really affected their situation at all, "of course I will."

"In the meantime I need you to get some sleep," Shepard said as he typed something into his omni-tool, "we're headed back to the Citadel as we speak. I'll need you rested when we get there."

And that's it, is it? Kaidan wasn't sure why he thought it, even as he nodded and headed for the doorway, why anything would be different than the way it had always been. He shivered as he thought of the colonist's words once more, _this one is important to Shepard_. Maybe it was true and maybe it wasn't, he thought as he opened the door, right now that should be the least of your worries.

"Kaidan," the one word made him stop; he looked round at Shepard; the man was right behind him, having obviously been following him out to the CIC, "I am glad you're alright."

"I...thank you, Commander," Kaidan said; maybe you'll never know how much, "really."

"And..." Kaidan watched his eyes, the blue eyes he had seen through the haze of the Thorian's control, "I don't want to ever hear you talk that way to me again, you understand?"

"I'm sorry, Shepard," Kaidan swallowed, "I didn't mean to shout, I was out of line. It won't happen again."

"Actually I was thinking more of the part where you were asking me to get you killed for a piece of information, Lieutenant," Shepard said sternly, "there's always another way, Alenko. And if I ever see you try and live up to that talk, then I'll have you court-martialed."

"Yes sir," Kaidan said, trying to speak quietly, but it came out as nothing but a noisy whisper.

"I can't hear you, Lieutenant," Shepard said again, talking a small step closer; Kaidan cleared his throat and felt the pain spike down his spine.

"I said, yes sir," Kaidan didn't think his voice was any stronger even though his throat was clear; Shepard's presence was making him feel a little odd.

"Good," Shepard said, reaching up to pat him on the side of the shoulder.

Ash had done the same thing. So why, Kaidan thought, is it so different? Shepard's hand lingered, just that moment too long, and Kaidan felt his Commander's thumb slide down off of the hem of his shirt to rub against the skin of his upper arm. There was something in his eyes, something challenging, as if he were daring Kaidan to damn well speak up. He was all too aware that the door was open behind him. Kaidan felt his heart rate double as Shepard made to move past him through the door. What the hell are you doing? He thought desperately.

"Shepard," he had spoken without thinking, much as he had moved without thinking.

Placing his hand flat against that broad chest, feeling the thick poly-cotton beneath his hand, then the solid muscle beneath that. Shepard's eyes were quick and sharp. Kaidan felt as if he wanted nothing more than for the ground to swallow him up as he felt Shepard push against him, moving his hand out of the way so as to move past him towards the door. He heard it closed and let out a soft sigh, shaking his head. You're a fucking idiot Kaidan Alenko, he thought, disoriented. It was as he turned to go through the door himself that he realised he'd perhaps been too rash in his estimations. Shepard was still standing there, the closed door at his back making the room seems suddenly far smaller.

"Is there something else you wanted to ask me, Lieutenant?" Shepard's voice was deep, calm and yet Kaidan could hear something else, something else that he wasn't sure he needed right now but something he most definitely _wanted_.

If I'm wrong about this, he thought for only a second, I'm going to have to space myself to avoid the embarrassment. He took a step forwards, not knowing how he managed it, and, luckily, Shepard met him halfway. Then there were arms around him, hands on his back, palms flat, as he gripped at Shepard's shoulders then moved his arms up to circle his neck. The heat between their bodies was enough to make him shiver. Their lips met roughly, almost chastely if it hadn't been for the animalistic pressure they were both asserting onto each other. It wasn't refined or even entirely good for him; especially when Shepard backed him against the railing and pushed his tongue into Kaidan's mouth. The memory of the Thorian was too close, too clear still. The reaction was instantaneous. He panicked, something he wasn't used to doing, and pulled back sharply. His breath was ragged, but then so was Shepard's; the Commander looked conflicted as he stepped away, straightening out his shirt. Christ, don't fuck this up too Alenko, he thought quickly.

"It was just," Kaidan explained, his voice almost completely gone, "a bit too fast."

There was an awkward break, filled only with the natural rumble of the ship. Kaidan slowed his breathing and watched Shepard's reaction like a hawk. The Commander took a breath and cleared his throat.

"Right," Shepard said with a small, almost embarrassed smile, "sorry, I didn't mean to..."

"It's fine I didn't..." Kaidan started.

Their overlapping excuses caused another awkward laugh; Shepard shook his head and rubbed at his face with his left hand. Kaidan wasn't sure exactly what he was supposed to do now. What is the procedure for after you've just snogged you CO in the comm. room? He thought sarcastically, Damn Alenko, does there have to be a procedure for everything? The thoughts of the Thorian sat like a dark shadow in the back of his mind, the memory of its enveloping presence, the breathing: in and out, in and out. Somehow he managed to push it so far back that he almost wasn't aware of it at all. Almost.

"Get some sleep Alenko," Shepard reiterated, his hands on his hips, pulling Kaidan away from his thoughts, "ETA 2100 for docking at the Citadel. I'll need you to speak with Liara before then, see if there's anything you can remember that might help us."

"Yes Commander," he nodded, glad that Shepard had the wherewithal to take charge; he pushed up from the railing and straightened himself out.

"Okay," Shepard said, also nodding as he watched Kaidan with dark eyes, "right."

Neither said a word as they left the comm. room, but Kaidan was sure he could still feel Shepard next to him. This time it wasn't confusing or awkward. It just was and, at that moment, Kaidan thought he could live with that uncertainty for a little while.

* * *


	6. Crossroads

"It's close," Kaidan said, "isn't it."

It hadn't been a question, but then he hadn't phrased it that way. Everything was still quiet, still so quiet and calm, despite the growing threat building in the shadows. Shepard knew because Shepard had seen it. Kaidan knew because of what the memories the Thorian had given to him hinted at, what they alluded to in their vague and undefined nature. Yet, for some reason that rested mainly with his own denial, he needed someone to say it, someone to make it real. Maybe then it would sink in.

"Alls not lost yet, Lieutenant," Shepard replied as they rode the elevator up, up, up the tower towards the seat of all civilisation in the galaxy.

"I didn't say it was," Kaidan said with a short, contradictory smile, "just that it's...gonna be over soon, one way or another."

"Yeah," Shepard took a moment to form the succinct reply but that didn't mean it had any less impact, "I think it is."

"I don't like it when you sound so final, Shepard," Kaidan murmured, almost afraid to say the words out loud.

"But you brought it up," Shepard looked over at him with a small incredulous raise of his eyebrows; Kaidan couldn't help the laugh that escaped, shaking his head.

"I suppose I did," he said, looking down at his feet as the light shifted over the metallic floor; the smile faded as the question came back into the forefront and the elevator stopped with a slow, sickening sigh, "maybe...I'm just looking for a little reassurance, but then none of us know what's coming. Kind of difficult to deal with, the unpredictable."

He followed Shepard as they walked out into the echoing, organic design of the main Council chamber and assembly. He felt odd. It wasn't a good odd, or even a bad odd. It was sort of indefinable, in the way butterflies in the stomach was simultaneously pleasant and nauseating. He'd never been before the Council, not that he had any real worry over what he was to say, considering he didn't think he'd really be expected to talk at all, it was more the unpredictablity of their situation.

It was more what Liara had done, before they had reached the Citadel at all.

_The melding had been sudden, like being jerked from a height to fall into the unknown below you, and yet Liara seemed virtually unaffected. Kaidan had reeled at the things she had stirred up in his mind, at the memories that had become stored there like feelers, creeping around his thoughts, pulled out into the daylight only by the skilled hands of the Asari._

" _What...what was that?" he stuttered as he sat back in his chair and just_ breathed _; his mind was racing and it was difficult to slow it down._

" _The Cipher," Liara had said softly, "the one my mother spoke of. You have it within your mind. It must have been the Thorian, when you melded with it..."_

" _I'd rather not talk about it," the reaction had been instant; even if he was disoriented the thought still sickened him, "sorry, I just..."  
_

" _I understand," she said, so soft, so considerate, "but it is the truth. You have the missing puzzle piece, Lieutenant. The Asari we recovered from Feros, her mind was too far gone for me to speak to. She had been broken down by the Thorian's control. There was nothing left."_

_That was something he thought he could understand. He had been there mere hours and the Thorian had already snapped his will and used him like a puppet. The thought of days, weeks, under that sort of manipulation, it was unbearable._

" _You have it, the ability to think like a Prothean, to interpret the data that Commander Shepard absorbed on Eden Prime," Liara said, almost excitedly, " If we put these two together, I should be one step closer to understanding what it all means."_

'Put these two together' had sounded harmless at the time, until Liara had explained that it would involve 'linking'. When he had asked what 'linking' involved, Liara has explained that it was merely the joining of one mind to another, as if it were the most natural thing in the world. That he and Shepard were to do this, be joined in a far more intimate way than he had ever thought it possible to experience, was something he hadn't taken lightly. Not that Shepard had been fazed, perhaps mainly because Kaidan hadn't brought up the reservations of having his mind and Shepard's mind as one, even if only for a moment. What if he sees you, really _sees_ you? Think you can handle that?

More to the point, what if I _really_ see Shepard?

He didn't bring it up because he knew there was more at stake here than their awkward relationship. He didn't bring it up because he wasn't the sort of person to put personal matters before duty. He didn't bring it up because, in the brief flashes of forbidden memory that Liara had dredged kicking and screaming from his mind, there was only fear, ruin and death and it scared him. The transfer itself turned out to be a bit of an anti-climax, more controlled by the asari than himself at all, and Kaidan felt like a piece of hardware in Liara's hands more than a human being.

Shepard had looked at him once it was over, brief and inconsequential as the link had been. There was a look there, in his dark eyes, that seemed to know. Just know. That Kaidan had seen what Shepard feared. He had seen what made the man reckless, what made him resolute and fearless and take anything he could get within arm's reach; because the end was in sight, a dark and unpredictable end, and even though it loomed on the edge of the precipice on which they stood, small and insignificant, Kaidan couldn't take his eyes from it.

Suddenly he had realised why Shepard had no compunction about risking his whole career for one short, interrupted kiss. One moment in another's arms. Someone to hold onto in the face of the coming darkness.

Because in the face of the coming darkness their brief encounter seemed somewhat inconsequential. He wasn't sure if that understanding made him feel better or worse; better that their feelings were mutual, but worse that they seemed driven by desperation more than any form of affection.

* * *

"You know," Joker said, barely audible over the humming of the _Normandy_ 's systems as he kept his voice low, "I'm not the only one with access to the security video feed, guys. I'm just saying."

Awkward moments were Joker's speciality, but throw Shepard into the mix and you were guaranteed quite a show. Thankfully, as Kaidan turned his head to look at the doorway to the Cockpit and make sure there was no-one nearby, seeing Shepard leaning against the back of Joker's chair as he leaned over the pilot to check on something or other on a holo-screen, it seemed it would be a rather contained event.

"But you're the only one who watches it so rigorously," Shepard said with a hint of amusement.

"Well if only you'd got me a free ExtraNet subscription, I wouldn't have to watch it like a daily soap opera," Joker said flippantly.

"Noted Joker, I don't think we need to hear..." Kaidan new that Joker wasn't going to listen to him, but when did he ever?

"All I'm saying is maybe you and the Lieutenant would like to be a little more careful," Joker continued regardless, "when you're _debriefing_."

"Jeff," Kaidan muttered, "your audio logs are just as bad as the video feed."

"Yeah well, with the spectacular display you two gave earlier, I think the audio logs are the least of your worries," Joker said as he adjusted the _Normandy_ 's engine output and set her up on an approach vector for the Mass Relay to make the jump to the Sentry Omega cluster, "if you want to be thorough, I think maybe you should take it somewhere other than the room on the ship with more cameras than Khalisah al-Jilani."

"But then where will you get your entertainment, Flight Lieutenant?" Shepard said as he finished whatever he had been doing and pushed himself backwards towards the door which hushed open before him.

"Watching you both be court-martialed, of course," Joker shrugged facetiously with a lazy smile.

"Yeah, you're making me feel a whole hell of a lot better," Kaidan sighed, trying to ignore the implications.

It didn't worry him in the obvious way it should have. It didn't make him fret over being caught or being arrested or, well, anything he _should_ have been worried about. It made him worry because Shepard was so very carefree about it. Not in any way that would get them into trouble but...just enough with people he trusted that made Kaidan look twice at what Shepard was doing. He was acting oddly, that much was obvious, but not in an abstruse manner.

It made Kaidan worried that he thought he could understand that, somehow, that they had perhaps come close enough to feel a connection, close enough to understand that everything was teetering on the edge. No one else appeared to have the same concept of that. No one else seemed to feel that rising sting of destiny approaching. And it didn't sit well because Kaidan liked to think he did not believed in destiny at all, and yet now it was there, in his head, making him question himself at every turn.

And Shepard was obviously suffering worse than he was, if the flippant attitude was anything to go by. Kaidan had compiled a map of emotions, as he did for anyone he met, so as to make communication smooth and easy to reference and understand. With Shepard he thought he might have it down to an art. When he grew tense he grew introspective. When he was angry he became quiet and stern. When he was staring death in the face, he put on a smile and lied to everyone around him so convincingly that you would believe everything was going to be fine.

Right now, Shepard was lying to Joker, putting him at ease. It wasn't as reassuring as it had been before Kaidan figured out what that meant.

"You're following me, Lieutenant," Shepard said bluntly five minutes later, standing before the holo-panel for the heating induction coil, tapping through records in search of something, his back to Kaidan as the other man hovered.

"Not exactly," Kaidan said quietly, "I...I need to ask you something, Commander."

"Then out with it, marine," Shepard said, not looking up.

"Actually, it's something I'd rather ask you about in private," Kaidan said.

He hadn't known why he'd even followed Shepard down to engineering in the first place. He was just...conflicted, so much so that he wasn't sure what to do with himself. He had hoped that Shepard would be able to empathise, to understand, but when they walked into Shepard's quarters it seemed that the last thing he was interested in was discussing it.

"Do you think..." damn I sound like such a fool, Kaidan thought, "do you think that it's true? I mean, beyond Saren and the Geth. The Reapers, is it true?"

Shepard had sighed harshly and Kaidan had been able to tell instantly, from his inbuilt list of Shepard's eclectic traits, that the man was angry.

"What do you want to hear, Lieutenant?" Shepard had asked him in return, stern and quiet, "I can tell you everything's going to be fine, if that will make you feel better."

"I don't...no, that's not what I want," Kaidan had frowned, clasping his hands behind his back for lack of anything better to do with them; this wasn't what he had expected. Then what did you want? He asked himself deprecatingly, To rely on his strength again, to have him as some sort of pillar of support? "I just want to understand."

"Then you can join the club, Alenko," Shepard said as he sighed, obviously trying to calm himself down, tossing his data pad onto the comm. table with a clatter before leaning back against it, palms flat on the smooth surface, "I don't think any of this was designed for us to understand."

His footsteps were loud as he walked slowly over to the table, bringing his arms up in order to mirror Shepard's stance, leaning back beside the man, noting the tension in his arms, the muscles in his shoulder's taught. Kaidan wasn't sure what he was trying to accomplish but, in Shepard's case, the man looked like he was about to either snap or snap something in half, no matter how flippant he thought he was being.

"Before the Thorian," Kaidan started without any prompting, "I don't think I really had any comprehension of this, of what we were supposed to be accomplishing other than stopping Saren and subduing the Geth. We're soldiers, y'know, we're programmed to follow orders."

He had meant it as a joke of sorts, but as he looked to Shepard the man wasn't smiling. Just staring at the opposite wall and listening as Kaidan talked.

"So I did, because I trust the Alliance and I trust Anderson and I trust you Shepard," Kaidan said, emphasising the last part, "but after I saw...I, god, I don't know what to say it was."

Shepard let out a soft sigh and looked down, to a vague space somewhere between his eyes and the floor. Kaidan continued because he didn't know how to stop now that he'd started. He needed it out of him, he needed someone else to understand, to tell him what to feel.

"It was more than just death, Shepard," Kaidan's voice was only just above a whisper; he cleared his throat, almost recovered from the Thorian, and continued, "it was annihilation, it was genocide, and there was something behind it that wasn't even malicious it was just...dammit I don't know!"

"Which is why we keep moving forwards," Shepard's voice was once more steady and calm; his eyes were open and clear and his face resolute, "we'll beat this, no matter what it is I'm not ready to lie down and let Saren and the Geth and whatever these Reapers are walk all over us like we're nothing. We fight and we win, Lieutenant, and that's the most we can do."

It hadn't been the answer he was looking for but, conversely, it seemed to be the answer Shepard was looking for. Somehow Kaidan seemed to have given Shepard a moment of peace through venting his own doubts and confusion. He wasn't sure how that worked but he would take it for what it was worth.

"I'm not saying that you can't be worried," Shepard said as he looked Kaidan straight in the eyes, "and I know it goes against the grain to not have all the facts, but we're going to figure this out."

"Trying to tell me that it's all going to be alright Commander?" Kaidan managed a half smile, trying once more for humour to diffuse the situation.

"Actually I'm just relieved that I can talk to someone else who's just as worried as I am about the Reapers," Shepard let out a small chuff of breath that could have been taken for a laugh, "between Udina and the Council, I don't think anyone's taking me seriously."

It was a truth that hurt mainly because Shepard had been escalated to Spectre status but still didn't seem to be taken seriously on either the side by the Human ambassador or the Council itself. One used him as a shield, as a way to argue the rights of humanity in the vast Galactic space they were now a part of, while the other preferred to treat him as some sort of interloper who couldn't possibly understand their ways. He wouldn't have known just how much trouble Shepard had been having with the Council if he hadn't been forced to attend the meeting on the Citadel.

"They don't know you like we do Shepard," Kaidan said, "I know you'll make the right choice, and we'll be behind you all the way."

"Looks like we've both had our questions answered," Shepard said, his voice quiet as he watched Kaidan closely; somehow, Kaidan thought, Shepard was right. There was the reassurance he had needed: he trusted Shepard and, right now, that was enough.

"You didn't even ask me anything," Kaidan pointed out; nevertheless, he didn't move away when Shepard leaned in and placed his lips softly against his own.

An odd sensation. The same sort of odd as before, the same sort of odd as the butterflies, yet this time he decided it was worth the conflicted feelings it brought to the fore. Shepard's hand brushed his as the Commander leaned back, just enough to be able to talk, still enough for their breath to mingle.

"You're a terrible distraction, Lieutenant," Shepard said, his voice low and husky.

"Sorry about that, sir," Kaidan replied, unsure if that was truly something he could joke about.

"Don't be," Shepard said as he pushed up from the desk and picked up his data-pad once more, "I think I needed it. No good comes from holding everything inside. Sometimes you have to talk it through to understand your own thoughts."

"Yeah," Kaidan said, even though he was tempted to point out the fact that Shepard was so very cagy, even with him, and barely ever discussed what was on his mind unless it was mission critical, "you have a point Commander."

"Course I do," Shepard smiled, "someone has to be in charge around here, and between Garrus twisting people's arms up their backs and Wrex twisting people's heads off, somehow I've come out as the safest bet."

And there he went, straight back to flippant, Shepard's response which was synonymous with a big red alarm bell flashing. So much for feeling secure, Kaidan took a deep breath and followed Shepard out of the room. It doesn't mean you can't still believe in him, Kaidan thought to himself. It's just that now you know you're both stumbling forwards in the dark, but you're both just as determined to find out why.

Shepard was right. Sometimes it was just nice to know that someone else was going through the same shit as you were.

* * *

"You know, for a former C-Sec," Tali said as she checked her pistol, "you're surprisingly laid back. I guess I'm not used to that, considering my dealings with C-Sec tend to be them trying to throw me off the Citadel. You're just kind of...likable."

"Which is why I have to beat the women off with a stick," Garrus said with a slick smile present in that purr of a voice Kaidan swore he would listen to all day if the Turian would let him, "it's a curse."

"As long as you don't try anything like that on this trip," Kaidan said as he continued to suit up, only if to try and temper the Turian's attitude, "I think we'll be fine."

"Says the man who's always touching heads with the Commander in his cabin," Garrus said with what Kaidan was sure would have been, on a human, a smug smile; Kaidan faltered, Tali looked up and watched them both, her pale eyes just visible from behind her helmet, Wrex snickered in his grunting voice and Ash let out a harsh sigh. Garrus let out a sound of disappointment, "hmm. I guess that innuendo only works in Turian."

"You should watch your mouth Vakarian," Williams said, her eyes narrowed as she loaded her shotgun, "slander is a serious offence in this outfit."

"It's fine Ash," Kaidan said; the _Normandy_ began to shudder as they entered the atmosphere, "it's just a joke."

"Really?" Wrex said with a deep rumbling laugh, "I thought jokes had to have a punch line."

Virmire had taken the same turn as their visit to Therum, only this time they expected the canon fire. Under any other circumstances he would have been happy to visit a place like this. Clear waters, lush vegetation, white beaches and sunny skies. If it weren't for all the Geth trying to gun them into non-existence it would have been a paradise.

Despite their banter, the team had been tense. Which didn't help when they eventually met with the Salarian ground team. Kaidan was used to Wrex being vulgar and crude and taking very little seriously; the shift in the Krogan was both impressive and honestly unsettling to see as they spoke to Captain Kirrahe on the sandy shore.

"We are not a _mistake_ ," Wrex merely prodded the Salarian, and yet Kirrahe was send back a few paces.

A cure for the genophage. Kaidan had thought he was done being surprised by the things they found Saren had managed to do, but then he would simply produce a further miracle out of thin air. And they were always one step behind him, always mopping up what he left behind. Not this time, it seemed, this time they had a chance to stop him before he reached a point where none of them could reach; with the backing of an army of indoctrinated Krogan warriors, a force the likes of which had caused the Salarians, years before, to essentially manufacture a slow, lingering genocide.

"I'll talk to him," Shepard had said, to which Kaidan wanted to tell him ' _no_ ' because Wrex looked, as Ashley had so quaintly put it, as if he were about to blow a gasket. When the shotguns had been pulled Kaidan's first instinct had been to draw his pistol and put a bullet between the Krogan's eyes. But the thought of what he'd said to Shepard before, as they'd leaned against each other and tried not to let on that they were both anxious about the blank space they saw where the future should be, stopped him.

That he would trust Shepard no matter what.

So he did and, somehow, unbelievably, Shepard managed to talk Wrex down. He had watched as Shepard lowered his gun, staring down the barrel of Wrex's own shotgun while he said something Kaidan couldn't hear, and his heart had stuck in his throat. It took everything he had not to reach out with his biotics and do something rash, something he didn't think he'd be able to forgive himself for. Thankfully there was no need and Kaidan couldn't stop himself from letting out a sigh of relief as Wrex holstered his weapon.

"It's true, isn't it?"

When he turned to Ash, standing at his side, it was with a frown. She wasn't looking at him, although he had felt her eyes on him before. Now she was staring at Shepard as he turned to walk back along the sand towards them, his face grim. He was about to ask what she was talking about when she finally looked to him, her face a blank mask.

"What Vakarian said," Ash explained, "it's true, isn't it. I think I already knew it but..." Kaidan wouldn't have known how to lie to her. He would say he and Ash were more than just war buddies, but then Kaidan knew he managed to make connections fast when he felt he trusted someone, perhaps too fast sometimes, and now the look that she was giving him...he didn't know how to lie to her, just as he didn't know how to lie to Shepard, "no, you don't need to say anything. I could see it. Wrex wasn't the only one who was about to blow a gasket there."

"Ash, listen..." Kaidan began, because he knew he had to say something and he would rather explain than have her infer.

"If you want my advice," Williams interrupted, her voice clear cut and somewhat unsympathetic, "you'll drop this LT. There's a reason there are regs against fraternisation. It's better you don't find that out the hard way."

Then Shepard returned and Kaidan was given no time to retort. Not that he would have known what to say if he'd had the chance. What were you going to do? He thought sarcastically as they headed up the beach towards Kirrahe to receive intel on Saren's base, Have a heart to heart? Enlighten her on the merits of close association with your superiors? Tell her that you think it might be more to you than just a quick fling in a bad situation? Tell Shepard that you think that, after all this is over, if you manage to survive this hell, that you won't want to just let this feeling slip away because...

...because you haven't felt anything like this since the first, stupid, naive time you thought you'd fallen in love. And now here you are, on a remote alien world fighting the biggest threat the galaxy has ever known and there, in the back of your mind, you can't help but think you'll stay by Shepard's side for as long as he'll let you be there, because if anything were to happen to him you don't know what you would do. Which only made what happened all the harder to deal with, because he wanted to be objective, he wanted things to be uncomplicated and, well, Shepard complicated things.

He always had.

"I need one of your men to accompany me," Captain Kirrahe said bluntly, his odd red eyes watching them with detachment, "to help co-ordinate the teams"

"We'll need someone who knows Alliance communication protocols," Shepard replied and, although Kaidan could see he was being reasonable, he also knew Shepard was just stalling for time on a decision he didn't want to have to make; so Kaidan made it for him.

"I volunteer, Commander," he said, keeping his voice level; the last damn thing I want is to let you out of my sight Shepard, he thought, but if it means keeping you and Ash safe, I can live with that.

"Not so fast LT," Williams cut in, making Kaidan look at her with a frown, "did you forget Commander Shepard will need you to arm the nuke? I'll go with the Salarians."

"With all due respect, Gunnery Chief," Kaidan said tightly, "it's not your place to decide who goes where."

It isn't your place to decide who gets the better chance of living or dying, was what he was trying to say, but it didn't seem fair to say it considering the state of things.

"Why is it," Williams retorted, her tone aggravated to the point of biting out her words, "that whenever someone says 'with all due respect' they really mean 'kiss my ass'?"

"Hey!" Shepard said, pulling them both up short, "I don't need your bickering. Williams, you go with the Captain, but no heroics, you understand?"

"Yes sir," Williams said smartly.

"Alenko, you're with me," he said, and it was enough somehow to make Kaidan feel worse.

I can't...I don't think I could take it. Shit Shepard how do you live with the damn responsibility? If anything happens to her, how do you live with that? And how do I live with the fact that I don't know whether you're being objective in your choice or if there's another reason you're keeping me here and sending her into the line of fire?

Maybe Williams was right. There were reasons that the regs did not allow fraternisation between troops. Right now, Kaidan felt like the poster boy for that particular code of conduct.

"Ash," he said, stopping her as she turned to make her way to the Salarian squad; she turned to him with a resigned look on her face, but there was a hint of desperate humour there, "be careful, alright. I...I don't want to hear you made the Salarian's look bad by stealing all their kills."

"Ha, yeah, well," Williams laughed and gave him a shrug and a wry smile, "I can't promise you anything LT."

"Yes you can," Kaidan said seriously, making her smile slowly falter, "you can promise me you'll stay safe."

"Of course I will, sir," she said with a nod, her smile creeping back into place, "last one back buys the first round?"

"I'll take those odds," Kaidan said, watching with a growing sense of unease as she ran off across the beach.

* * *

The base was quiet, with only the rumbling thunder of the storm clouds out over the ocean mirroring the heavy thuds of canon fire and the swift clacking of assault rifles in the distance. A sombre background melody that spurred them on despite the eeriness and the urgency. They had fought through the minimum resistance, a few Krogan, fully suited, and some Geth set on guard. Everything somehow seemed a little too easy. Even the Asari scientist they came across, half scared out of her wits, granted them access to Saren's private lab as if it were a gift shop.

What they found inside was even more mysterious and, in a way, unbelievable.

"Another beacon?" Garrus said as they looked down the metal staircase; Kaidan had returned the Turian's significant look, "And here I thought just _one_ piece of working Prothean technology was a marvel."

"Looks like Saren has been hiding more than we realised," Kaidan said as they walked towards it.

"And maybe this one will make more sense," Shepard said, his tone strong and steady as he eyed the beacon eagerly.

"Wait, Shepard," Kaidan couldn't help but grab his superior by the arm and stop his hasty advance; Shepard gave him a look that told Kaidan there was no way he was backing down. He continued regardless, "you remember what that thing did to you on Eden Prime. We can't risk that here, we need you conscious!"

"I know what you're saying Alenko," Shepard reasoned, "but now that you've given me the Cipher, hopefully that won't be an issue."

"Are we really going to rest on 'hopefully' Commander?" Kaidan didn't let go of Shepard's arm.

"Kaidan," Shepard said calmly, "I'll be alright."

It should have made him hold on tighter, but instead Shepard's ploy managed to work. Kaidan let go and was forced to watch a replay of Eden Prime, as Shepard was lifted into the air and the beacon hummed and pulsed. Only, unlike Eden Prime, this beacon didn't end in a spectacular fireworks display. Instead Shepard was basically dropped to the ground and Kaidan hurried forwards to help him up.

"Are you alright?" he asked, watching as Shepard blinked his eyes, his face stern and focused, "Commander?"

"I'm fine," Shepard's voice was taught and yet controlled.

"What did you see?" Garrus asked cautiously.

"I'm not sure," Shepard said, looking to the Turian, "but whatever it was, I think it's close."

Kaidan had followed Shepard, Garrus watching their backs. The Commander seemed to know exactly where he was going, which only made Kaidan more anxious. Close? What did he mean by close? Better question what did he mean by _it_?

When they reached the upper floor, where they found a large red holo-comm. unit suspended in the air, Kaidan almost wished he hadn't asked that question.

"This is not good," Garrus said in a low pitched voice as they stared at the thing that materialised there. Another relic of Eden Prime. The _thing_ , that thing which had ripped its way through the sky as the colonists of Eden Prime were transformed into mindless husks. The one which they had so far only heard whispers of, vague allusions to, and which held the threat of Saren's control and menace to the galaxy.

-You are not Saren-

The feeling of the voice was enough to make him want to take a step back. Kaidan felt something inside trying to slide into place but his conscious mind would not let it. It wouldn't accept what it was seeing. This isn't real, this _can't_ be real. But the memories, the dark and building memories which leaked out into his mind told him that he was only small, an insignificant in comparison to the wider breadth of the unknown. The implications of what he was seeing were almost beyond his comprehension. He couldn't believe what his mind was trying to convince him of.

"What is that?" Garrus asked warily, "Some sort of VI?"

-Rudimentary creatures of blood and flesh. You touch my mind, fumbling in ignorance, incapable of understanding-

"I don't think so," Shepard's voice was dark; Kaidan didn't like the certainty there, it only reaffirmed his own fears.

-There is a realm of existence so far beyond your own you cannot even imagine it. I am beyond your comprehension. I am Sovereign.-

My god, Kaidan thought. He stared into the insect-like shapes of the hologram image and thought he could feel the fear beginning to sink in. He wanted to shake his head. He wanted to deny it. The Reapers weren't here because the Reapers were a fairy tale monster in his head where they would stay until they couldn't be ignored. This couldn't be real because they hadn't had the time to...they hadn't been given the...oh god, this isn't real.

"Saren didn't find a Reaper ship," Kaidan breathed out, "he found an actual Reaper."

-Reaper. A label given to us by the Protheans to give meaning to their demise. It is irrelevant.-

"The Protheans disappeared fifty thousand years ago!" Garrus argued; Kaidan was more than aware that Shepard was suspiciously quiet, "you couldn't have been there. That's impossible!"

-Organic life is nothing but a genetic mutation, measured in years and decades. You wither and die. We are eternal, the pinnacle of evolution. Before us you are nothing. Your extinction is inevitable. We are the end of everything.-

The fear was real. Kaidan wasn't sure what to do with that fact. The fear he had felt, crawling in the back of his mind, assuaged only by Shepard's smile and his confidence, was real. Even when Shepard spoke it brought Kaidan little of the hope he'd needed it to.

"I wouldn't get ahead of yourself," Shepard said, watching it with narrowed eyes, "there is an entire galaxy of races united and ready to face you."

-Confidence born of ignorance. The cycle cannot be broken.-

"Cycle?" the word brought a horrifying new point into the conversation, one that Kaidan couldn't help but voice; I'm talking to it, he thought as his mind began to rush off without him, I'm talking to _it_ , "what cycle?"

-The pattern has repeated itself more times than you can fathom. All organic civilisations, at the apex of their glory, are extinguished.-

We're nothing but insects to this thing, Kaidan thought, this thing I can barely comprehend. It spoke of the Citadel, of the Mass Relays, things that were constants, which were reliable to him; no longer. The 'legacy of my kind' as Sovereign's disturbingly mechanical voice proclaimed. Reaper technology? All this time they had been merrily skipping through the galaxy on technology devised by the very beings that were now threatening their very existence. All this time the Council, the apex of society, the wonder of the Citadel, had only been a giant honey pot designed to lure in civilisations for the slaughter? All this time Saren was already holding all the cards? What was this, what did this mean? Did they ever stand a chance or was it all just smoke and mirrors? Was all civilisation just a big lead up to inevitable destruction? Kaidan stared at the thing, as it watched them, and knew that his questions were irrelevant. Understanding would not make anything easier to comprehend or accept. The Reaper did not seem to care, perhaps because it was beyond feeling, beyond emotion. It had one purpose, which it stated for them clearly.

-We impose order on the chaos of organic life. You exist because we allow it, and you will end because we demand it.-

"They're harvesting us," Kaidan couldn't keep the horror and disgust from his voice; it was one thing to talk to something as timeless and ancient as the Reaper claimed to be and another to be told you were essentially an ant collecting technology for the hive before you were extinguished for the greater good, "Letting us advance to the level they need, then wiping us out!"

"Are there more Reapers?" Shepard asked, a note of rising dread in his tone, "are you the last of your kind?"

-This one has seen. This one has been touched by the ability to comprehend, the technology the Protheans created to store their memories. This one's question is irrelevant as it already knows the answer.-

"Shepard?" he didn't want to sound as lost as he did, but it was difficult not to, "What does it mean? What did you see?"

"You're not even alive, are you?" Shepard said harshly, ignoring Kaidan's question, the anger beneath his words making them hard and unyielding, "Not really. You're just a machine, and machines can be broken!"

-Your words are as empty as your future. I am the vanguard of your destruction. This exchange is over.-

The explosion hit as if delayed, one moment he was staring at the doom of all organic life, the next he was thrown off his feet, hitting the metal walkway as the sound of shattering glass rang in his ears and the smell of burnt machinery pervaded his nose. He struggled up and looked at the empty space where it had been. The dead, eerie silence that had filled the void while Sovereign had talked was now filled with distant gunfire and the sounds of the ocean. It was almost too much to handle, as if the past few minutes of his life were nothing but a dream or a hallucination.

" _Commander we've got trouble_!" Joker's voice was a welcome grounding in reality, even if his words weren't comforting.

"Hit me Joker," Shepard said as he signalled for Kaidan and Garrus to follow him, already running down the ramp back the way they had come.

" _It's that ship, Sovereign?_ " Kaidan didn't want to know, " _I don't know what you did down there but that thing just pulled a turn that would shear any of our ships in half. It's on its way Commander, headed straight for you, hard and fast. Whatever you're doing you better do it quick_."

* * *

They ran for the bomb site, they killed the Geth that stood in their way and they pushed through. A bomb to stop the Krogan, Kaidan couldn't help but think as he helped the marines to unload it from the Normandy after Joker pulled some creative manoeuvring to bring the ship down to the ground, what is that in comparison the what Sovereign had explained? It seemed like they were using a hammer to kill a fly while the lions crept up behind them.

"Bomb is in position Commander," Kaidan said, firming his resolve; focus Alenko, just focus and things will work out somehow. He wished he believed his own propaganda, but the vibrating, atonal voice of the Reaper echoed in his mind, "we're all set here Shepard."

" _Commander, can you read me?_ " Ashley's voice was sudden and insistent, jumping up into the comm. chatter.

"I read you Williams," Shepard said as he opened the sliding panel on the bomb to expose its controls, "get yourself and your team to the rendezvous point, on the double."

" _Negative Commander_ ," no, no that's not what I wanted to hear, Kaidan thought, " _the Geth have us pinned down on the AA tower. We have heavy casualties. We'll never make the rendezvous point in time_."

"Dammit," Kaidan looked to Shepard for an answer, one that he wasn't sure even existed.

"Get them out of there Joker," Shepard said, switching frequencies to contact the Normandy, his face set, "Now!"

" _Negative, it's too hot! You can't risk it!_ " Williams sounded frantic, too much so, Kaidan felt the blood rushing in his ears, " _we..!_ "

Static. She's alright, he kept telling himself, it's going to be alright because she damn well promised you it would! Think, Alenko, _think_.

"It's okay Commander," he shouted over the loud hiss of the Normandy's engines, "I need time to finish arming the bomb. You can make it to Ash and then come meet me back here."

Shepard hesitated. Again Kaidan felt it like a stab of guilt. Don't look at me like that Shepard, he pleaded, you aren't making it any easier. Garrus jogged up to them with Tali in tow.

"What's happening Commander?" the Quarian asked as she scanned the area, pistol drawn, "I thought we were leaving."

"Change of plans, we're headed to the AA tower," Shepard ordered, "you two are with me, and you," Shepard gave Kaidan a look that seemed to dare him to disobey, "you stay alive till I get back, hear me Lieutenant?"

"Yes Sir," Kaidan replied, saluting sharply, watching as the three ran for the door on the opposite side of the compound, adding under his breath, "you too Shepard."

He watched the Normandy leave, taking off back into low orbit. Gladstone remained there with him as a precaution, watching him and the skies closely. Kaidan thought about how nervous he was and then pushed the feeling away. The panel was beeping at him as he began priming the bomb, making it ready for when the sequence needed to be initiated. Everything will work out, he kept saying to himself as he typed in the familiar series of commands. Shepard knows what he's doing, it's always worked out before, everything will...

The first blast didn't hit him. He heard Gladstone go down with a gurgling yell, turning to find the man with half his throat and jaw missing, blood pooling out into the water. The surprise was enough for him to try and duck for cover, but the next blast hit him in the arm and he felt it go numb, the jolt of adrenaline enough for him to grab his pistol, turn, lift and fire without thinking, taking the Geth trooper with a disruptor round straight through the shields and in through the head, spraying metal shards out over the water. It wasn't alone. Fuck, Kaidan thought as he threw himself down behind the only cover he had and tried his best to push his barrier out to cover the bomb itself. When the hell did Geth reinforcements get here? I thought we cleared them out!

" _Heads up LT,_ " it was Williams, her voice rushed and yet still in control, " _a Geth troop carrier just flew past us, headed your way!_ "

"They're already here," Kaidan took the opportunity to reach up over the bomb and send out a wave of disruptive energy, catching two Geth as they attempted to flank his position, taking out their shields and forcing them into cover while incoming fire from three more forced him back behind the bomb, "dammit they're swarming the site!

" _I'm on my way back_ ," Shepard's voice was set and it was then, it was then that Kaidan knew.

If he comes here...if he comes here it'll be too late. The Geth were streaming in, he could hear the carrier's whine and the burring and clicking as the machines communicated, spreading out around him. I won't be able to hold them off, and if Shepard comes back he'll never get to Ash, we'll have to arm the bomb anyway and then...

 _I don't like to lose people_. Shepard had told him the weakness, only now he was seeing his Commander's inability to deal with death up close and personal. It's now or never marine, Kaidan thought as his mind began to run off without him, realising there was only one way to end this.

"I don't think I can hold out till you get back," he said quickly, "I'm arming the bomb!"

" _Alenko what the hell do you think you're doing!_ " he didn't think he'd ever heard Shepard so very angry, not even when speaking to Sovereign had his CO held that bitter tinge of desperation.

"I'm making sure this bomb goes off Shepard, no matter what," he said, ducking as the incoming fire grew heavier; he focused on his own heartbeat and tried to calm himself down, pulling a grenade from his belt and throwing it hard at the Geth cover, hoping to stall them as Shepard's desperate words were loud in his ear, " _Answer me Lieutenant, I'm ordering you to hold them off, do you hear me! You have to wait..!_ ", then he was up and he knew what Shepard wanted but he was alone here now and if he didn't stop these Geth then they would disarm the bomb faster than he could arm it and Saren would have his army and he'd be dead anyway and...he pressed the launch sequence and there, there it was, flashing merrily as the manual countdown began. He ducked back down and held his pistol tightly, almost too tightly in his right hand, his left arm still weak from the hit, as the Geth closed in, "it's done Commander. The Geth are nearly on me, go get Williams and get the hell out of here! I'll hold them off!"

" _Screw that, we can handle ourselves!_ " Ash was just as scared as he was, beneath that tough exterior, he could hear it in her words, too brash and brazen, " _Go and get the LT, Commander! We'll be fine!_ "

" _I'm not leaving either of you here to die!_ " Shepard shouted, " _Dammit Joker I need you in here, do you hear me?_ "

" _I can't Commander, there isn't enough time,_ " Joker replied urgently, " _you have to tell me where to go but I only have the runtime for one pickup before this whole place is nothing but ashes!_ "

God I'm sorry Shepard, Kaidan thought as he looked up over the bomb, his energy dwindling as he kept the instrument of his destruction safe under the inflated biotic barrier. I'm sorry for making you do this. He used his guilt like a weapon, something to stave off the sinking realisation of what he had done. The realisation that this was really it, the end of everything as he knew it. He fired as accurately as he could at a large Geth in red armour that was storming towards him. It was accurate, far more than he could ever be, and the shot took him in the side of the helmet, destroying his comm. Kaidan cursed and ducked back down, feeling blood running down his face and hearing the static in his ear.

Two minutes till detonation. The readout was an oddly calm thing in comparison to the hell that was going on around him, the hell that was raging through his mind. Hell of a way to go, he tried a last ditch attempt at humour as he pulled out his assault rifle and began blanketing the Geth with fire, wild and suppressive. A last, heroic stand, just like in the books...

Just two minutes, I just have to keep them back.

_I never told you, did I Shepard? Maybe because I didn't want to think it was true._

When he pulled the rifle back to reload, the clip jammed and wouldn't budge, no matter how hard he hit it. Kaidan swore colourfully and threw the weapon to the water covered ground, once more grabbing his pistol and setting it to rapid fire.

_I guess I've always been wary of people, I don't trust easily but, when I find someone I do trust, I form attachments too easily. I make friends too fast and I take everything to heart._

He was lucky that he saw the grenade, as it splashed into the water, flashing red, and managed to grab it and launch it in a haphazard direction, recoiling as the blast happened a mere five feet from where he sat, crouched. One minute till detonation.

_I never wanted to feel that again, that hollowness that eats you from the inside because the one person you thought you could spend the rest of your life loving looks at you as if you were the most horrifying thing she's ever seen._

Everything began to slow down. Even the steady beep, beep, beep of the countdown monitor was a slow, rhythmic pulse. Kaidan breathed in and out, fast through his nose. Keep the Geth off the bomb, he thought again and again, keep them away. Give Shepard and Ash a chance to escape.

_I didn't want to think it was true Shepard, but it is._

Then there was the sound, the awful sound, the high pitched whine of engines and the heavy shadow of the Normandy above him. There was the wild fire of assault rifles and the warping boom as the Normandy's guns laid into the Geth assault carrier, and Kaidan felt his heart skip a beat and for one moment, for which he didn't think he could ever forgive himself, he felt overwhelming relief.

"Kaidan get up, get up now!" Shepard's voice was almost too difficult to make out through the ringing in his ears; Kaidan struggled up and there was Shepard, there was Tali and Garrus, there was the Normandy, the cargo bay gaping open.

" _No_ ," he said even as Shepard grabbed his arm and began hauling him forwards, firing in short bursts at the Geth as they continued to land and flood into the compound in numbers beyond reason, "damn you Shepard, why are you here! I told you to get Williams and go!"

"Shut your mouth and run!" was the only answer he was given and, to his disgrace, he did.

There was metal beneath his feet and the cargo bay doors were closing and Shepard was yelling, "Go Joker, now! _Go_!" and he fell to the ground and was guilty of being glad that he couldn't hear Ash's voice over the comm. as the ship shook and the bomb exploded behind them. He felt his stomach roll and he looked up, through the blood on his visor, through the haze of adrenaline, and found Shepard looking down at him, his face unreadable, but his eyes...

...his eyes said everything Shepard couldn't. Eyes narrowed in anger, his pain a visible, visceral thing. Kaidan looked away and tried to ignore the gaping hollowness that blossomed in his chest as he finally gave in to the one thing he'd been hiding from.

 _I love you, Shepard_.

* * *

AN: Sorry if there was too much original text in this chapter, but, for me, the moment in ME1 when you speak to Sovereign and learn the ship is a Reaper, well, it's one of my favourite moments from the whole series. It's a wonderful, chilling realisation and the conversation, and Sovereign's voice, are especially eerie. I have just finished ME3 and, considering I thought the game was damn well near perfect apart from the last three minutes or so where they shoe-horned in some religious symbolism and screwed me, I think it's impressive that this scene with Sovereign is still the one that stands out.


	7. Gap in Median

He didn't so much remember what had been inside, the story or the characters mainly forgotten other than vague generalisations, but he remembered what it had looked like. A big, white book, with raised dimples upon the cover and a dark yellow stain to the visible sheaf of paper within. It had been soft to the touch and it compressed when he pushed down against it, the short give as the pages squashed together and the cover puckered slightly. His father hadn't let him touch it for long, family heirlooms being something he took seriously, but his affectionate scorn had only served to make Kaidan all the more in awe of it, young as he had been.

He wished he could remember the story now. It seemed that the years in BAaTT had driven the childhood right out of him, right down to scouring his mind of fond memories. As had his return to earth as a fucked up, angry teenager to find an estranged father and a grieving mother, seeming to mourn the innocence he had lost and the life he had taken. The bottle was the first step to widening the rift between himself and his parents, and the drugs were the final push. His mother never gave up on him, even when he'd seen fit to bring home the unsavoury characters who fed his habits, or get so wasted on whiskey and Red Sand that he'd thrown a chair at his father which embedded itself into the wall so deeply it took three people to pull it out.

He had pulled himself back from that because he had to, not only for himself but for the people who he still cared about, even if he couldn't really believe in love and caring at the time. He'd done it because the thought of his mother, hell even his father, looking at him as Rahna had, with that same sickened stare, was enough to have him with his head down the toilet, spewing up the twisting lump in his stomach. He'd done it because, only in those moments of clarity between getting drunk and getting high, he realised how much he horrified himself.

So he'd pulled himself up and slapped himself around and sorted himself out. But he knew he still wasn't perfect, who was? He was only human, like everyone else on Earth, and that's all he'd ever wanted to be. Lieutenant was a thing he had reached on his own merit, and being accepted into the military in the first place had been something he'd had to work out on his own, talking past the accusations and the concern. He'd come to rely on his memories as much as he resented them.

He'd come past that, left it behind him and allowed it to fade into a sort of malaise that lived only in rare dreams and deep introspection. It had been a long time since he'd felt the past creeping up on him in his waking hours. The memories of the Turian inquisitors drilling him for information, the bright lights overhead making his head pound until he could barely answer them, having to resist covering his ears as they shouted, right up in his face, making his mind ring.

It had been a long time since the guilt of killing another person was forefront in his mind. Almost as long as it had been that the thought of someone being so disappointed in him made him feel sick.

"I can appreciate what happened, Lieutenant," Captain Anderson said, nodding, his eyes straying to something Kaidan couldn't see, "I have already been debriefed by Commander Shepard, but I wanted to know all the facts before I made any formal decision. It's just a formality, you understand."

"Yes, sir," Kaidan replied redundantly, more from a need to say something than any relevance to his words, "I understand."

"I will continue with the interviews," the Captain continued, once more looking to the Lieutenant, "I will need to speak to the survivors of the ground team and to Joker, see the flight logs, but...as far as I'm concerned, son, it was a bad situation and you only did what you thought was right. And from what I've seen there was no other way for this to go down."

He wanted to say thank you but the thought of thanking anyone for telling him it was perfectly understandable that he had killed Gunnery Chief Ashley Williams and the Salarian ground team on Virmire didn't deserve such praise. Instead he swallowed and waited for Anderson to move on to some other topic, hand straying to the sling holding his left arm subconsciously.

"I understand that you're headed back to Sol," the Captain's tone changed, too obviously for Kaidan's liking, less sombre and more confident, "I had word from Admiral Hackett that there's a problem at Luna Base."

"Yes, sir, a rogue VI," Kaidan explained, even though he knew there was no point to it, "they've requested Normandy's assistance because they think we might be able to jam the signal."

Something to keep Shepard busy while the Council stonewall him, Kaidan thought in irritation. It was enough that they had suffered Ash's loss, but it seemed somehow tarnished by the Council's inability to take the word of their own self-appointed Spectre. So they had been shipped off, essentially, to deal with something trivial while they waited for the call to return to the Citadel and speak with the Council. They won't be so calm and superior when that Reaper is knocking on their door, Kaidan thought as he focused on Anderson's voice.

"I see," Anderson didn't flounder in the way anyone else did when they ran out things to say; he simply made it look natural, "then good luck, Lieutenant. I will make arrangements for Williams' family to be informed."

"Actually, Captain..." Kaidan hesitated even as he interrupted, "as we will be in range of the earth comm. network, I would like to take the responsibility."

"Are you sure?" Captain Anderson asked, a small frown the only sign of his concern, "Informing a family of a loved one's passing is not a pleasant task. I understand if you would rather not."

"I understand, Captain," Kaidan said strongly, "but Chief Williams was my friend and I feel I...owe it to her."

"Alright," Anderson looked like he did not approve but still, in some way, understood his compunction, "I'll have someone send you through their details. Anderson out."

The comm. room seemed dark without the bright hologram image of Anderson. Kaidan stood there for a moment, just a moment, listening to the sounds around him and within him, the hum of the Normandy and the beating of his own heart. Then he turned on his heel and left the room; where am I needed? he thought mechanically. He remembered his rota and headed for the cockpit, taking the seat next to Joker and keying into the system. It was awkward, with his arm out of commission, but he had been told it would be safe to use again in another few days. Muscle damage, a small fracture. He thought himself lucky. It could have been worse.

It could have been far worse.

"I won't be making the jump for another five minutes," Joker's voice was uncertain; it was the worst kind of tone to hear from the man. Joker was always flippant and dismissive, to hear him sympathetic only drove home how dire the situation really was, "if you need to do anything else."

"I'm fine here," Kaidan said blankly, trying and failing to sound normal.

Silence, but for the subtle beeping of systems and the sound of Joker shifting around in his chair.

"So we're headed back home, huh?" Joker's forced joviality was even more obvious than Anderson's, "Been a while. You gonna call your folks?"

"Hadn't planned on it," Kaidan said; truthfully the thought made him a little queasy. He already judged himself harshly enough as it was, he didn't need his father's harsh opinion or his mother's nervous placation.

"Oh," Joker had obviously been relying on a positive answer, "well...well you're from Canada, right?"

"Yeah," Kaidan pulled up the energy recycling schematics from mass relay drift and stared at them, not even knowing why he'd done it.

"I'm from Tiptree, you ever been?" Joker continued regardless of Kaidan's silence, "It's just a little place, pretty out of the way, but the views are really spectacular. My mom, she..."

He heard the pilot's voice continue but couldn't help drifting off. His mind was awash with many things, all of which he wanted to avoid. Yet the only thing that he couldn't avoid was one question, which sat like a tall, dark vulture, looming above his consceince. Why. Why?

Why did you do it? Because you wanted to save them, save them both? Because you thought it was the right thing to do? Because you thought it was the only thing to do? That's not good enough, Alenko, you must have a better reason than that. He felt his vision narrowing, feeling the pressure building behind his eyes. He closed them, pulling his hand back from the screen in order to rub roughly at the bridge of his nose. You _must have a better reason than that!_

"Hey, Lieutenant, are you alright? Hey," Kaidan fazed back in and realised that Joker must have been calling on him for a while; he looked around and found the pilot leaning out of his chair a little way. His face was a picture of the last thing Kaidan wanted at that moment: pity, "you did everything you could Lieutenant. You can't beat yourself up about it, and the Commander was just mad, you shouldn't take what..."

"I don't want to hear it," he said it more out of instinct than from any want to show his turmoil, cutting Joker off and making the man look away and shake his head.

"Fine, ok," at least Joker sounded more like himself now, agitated, annoyed and sharp, as he usually was when someone wouldn't listen to him, "have it your way. You wanna wallow in your own self pity? Be my guest."

He stared at the screen before him a few seconds more before quickly setting it to auto record, standing up and walking back towards the CIC. His presence wasn't needed, not really, it was just a formality. Instead he could be doing something useful with his time, like Joker had recommended.

Something useful like thinking of what the hell he was going to say to Ashley's parents. It had seemed like a good idea at the time, offering to give condolences to the Williams family, it had been something he'd convinced himself it was his duty to do. Now it stuck in his throat as he tried to come up with something that wouldn't mock him as he said it.

When he looked up he realised he'd been walking on automatic pilot. It was another slap in the face to see where his feet had taken him. He was conflicted, he was tired and he was hurt, and his subconscious had led him just short of the Commander's quarters. Kaidan stood there for a few seconds, staring, before he turned around and walked back the way he didn't remember coming. The memory of Shepard's eyes, narrowed in cold anger, were enough to strip him of any comfort he thought the man could offer even if Shepard had wanted to.

* * *

The screen flashed with the subtle green glow, slow and ponderous. Kaidan watched it, leaning his elbow on the bottom of the panel and resting his chin on his right hand, not knowing who was going to appear. Maybe that was the worst part, worse than the fact he was even doing it at all. How long has it been? He didn't think it was fair to let himself think about that. Everything felt very final somehow, as if he had been walking towards the edge of the cliff he had known was there but had been wishing it wasn't. The thought chilled him. How long until Sovereign fulfils its threat? How long until the Council have no choice but to believe us?

The connection screen blinked out, pulling him from his thoughts, replacing them with a familiar scene.

"Hello?" the face that spoke the words was wrinkled around the eyes, silver-grey hair swept back from a high brow, grizzled beard that needed trimmed circling his mouth and brown eyes squinting a little against sunlight that was visible stretching back into the room which Kaidan was now peering into; the man seemed to focus and then blink.

 _Say_ something, his mind prompted.

"Hi dad," he said simply.

"Kaidan?" his surprise was obvious, and it was just like his father to try and cover that up as quickly as possible, "Hell, I thought it was your mother, she's meant to call me to pick her up from town about now but..." his father rambled on for a second before stopping, letting out a chuff of breath, "but it's good to hear from you son, you should have told us you were headed home."

"No, I'm not on leave," Kaidan said with a shake of his head, "I'm just in the area. Headed to Luna base then we're back out again."

"The moon, huh?" his father nodded in a familiar way that put Kaidan's teeth on edge, "I saw something on the news the other day, they lost communications or something like that. Hope everything's alright."

Hope everything's alright. Kaidan heard the words and wanted to scream. Why am I doing this? He thought, What was this supposed to accomplish? Going to make yourself feel better by trying to have someone else understand how much of a fuck up you are? Everything isn't going to be alright!

"Hey, Kaidan, can you hear me?" he had zoned out again; Kaidan blinked and sat forwards, "Damn transmission, this thing never works..."

"I'm here dad, I can hear you," Kaidan said, "I just...sorry, I was thinking."

"You know if you want to talk to your mother you should maybe give a call back in about half an hour or so, if you can," here we go, Kaidan thought, "and I'm waiting for her to call so I can..."

"That's alright, I mean, no, I don't need to call back," Kaidan said as casually as he could.

"Okay," his father nodded, seeming at a bit of a loss as to what to say, "well then, how are you? Did you get into a scrap? Your arm I mean."

"Yeah, I was...it's nothing. Things aren't so great," Kaidan said; what do I say now? With his mother it would have been simple, he would have told her straight exactly how he felt, exactly what had happened. His father was a trickier deal. It may have been the underlying stress, the numb feeling which had descended over him, or perhaps just a need, a visceral need, to _talk_ to someone, "things have been pretty rough out here."

"Your implant giving you trouble again?" his father asked critically, "I told you that you shouldn't push yourself with that thing, the Doc said that..."

"The Doc would have me sitting in a chair all day staring at lights changing colour and pumping me full of drugs if he had his way," Kaidan said strongly, unable to bear the idea that his father still thought that what the family doctor had prescribed as 'treatment' was a viable option, "I'm alright here, it was just a firefight, I took a hit."

"Well you don't look alright," his father replied; it seemed a conditioned set of responses that they were falling into, enough to make Kaidan want to reach over and hang up before the inevitable fight started.

What if...what if this is the last chance I get? he thought suddenly. I'm overreacting, that's crazy, there's no chance that things would go south that quickly. So why did you think it then? The dark patches in his mind, still filled with what the Thorian had shown him, forced him to see, made his confidence waver. I can't think like that, he thought, just...just talk to him, tell him, it'll calm you down, who knows maybe you can even sort things out, maybe... "the last mission went south, I can't tell you the details but...we lost someone, dad."

His father let out a sigh, sitting back in his chair and rubbing at his face. The military man seemed to come out in force, obvious from the pose and the rigid countenance, the stark eyes that watched him as if he were nothing but a child. Kaidan felt like his universe closed in around him. Self-fulfilling prophecy, eh? he thought, What on earth am I doing? How can I be wasting time here when..?

"I don't know how many times I have to tell you this before it'll sink in," his father said, not annoyed, more disappointed, "it's war, Kaidan, you lose people. You deal with it and then you move on. You can't let yourself be pulled down."

"I'm not, I just..." Kaidan could hear the instant defensiveness in his voice and tried to back out of the corner he felt like he was in; the memory of Ash, alive and well and laughing as they sat in the medical bay, Doctor Chakwas fixing up the bullet wound in her arm...Kaidan wasn't sure what to feel, "she was my friend. Everything's going to hell out there and..." he hesitated, not wanting to let anything slip that he shouldn't, "I don't...I just don't know what to do with that."

"You remember her," his father said; goddamit, Kaidan thought, so damn self-righteous, that's not what I _meant_ , "and you fight for her memory."

"That's not what I meant, dad..." he started only to be interrupted; that isn't what's wrong, is it? he thought, It's more the fact that this is all your doing and you can't accept that, can you?

"Well what do you want to hear?" his father didn't look angry, just frustrated, but Kaidan knew where that led to; wow, that must be a record, only one minute into a conversation and we're already fighting, "there isn't anything you..."

"It was my fault," Kaidan interrupted, trying to make him understand, trying to have something to cling to, _any_ thing, someone to tell him what he had to do, "I made a decision and I got her killed. It was my fault. I don't...I..."

No wonder he treats you like a child, Kaidan thought, you sound like one. Pathetic. His father shook his head and rubbed at his bearded chin. Christ, he thought, what's going to happen to us? What if we all...what if this is all the time we have left and I'm spending the last of it arguing with you like nothing has changed?

"I don't know what this is Kaidan," his father said sternly, while Kaidan tried to marshal his thoughts, "we haven't heard from you in, well it was last June, your mother's birthday. That was ten months ago. Ten months and then you call up out of nowhere and this is all you have to say to me?"

"That's rich," Kaidan replied stonily, "this coming from the man who tries to fob me off onto mom every time I do call. At least she would have damn well listened to me."

Listen to me, he thought, just fucking listen to me! You don't understand what I know, you don't know what I've seen. The look in Vyrnnus's eyes after I killed him, the thick snapping sound so close and visceral he felt it against his body, the sneers and fearful glances of the people, his troops, his friends, of everyone who found out what he was, the need to escape, so badly and so deeply that no one could find him again, not even himself. Everything's falling apart, everything's...

"And I bet you would have preferred that!" his father snapped, "If she'd answered. Woulda told you everything was gonna be fine, is that what you want to hear? Because I won't tell you that, I won't lie to you to make you feel better..!"

The door swished open and light shone into the small, dimly lit secondary comm. room, normally used for ship to ship comms or for personal calls when needed. Kaidan held up his hand to stall his father and looked at the doorway. He had to stop himself from sighing, whether in relief or contention he didn't know.

"Yes, Commander?" he said, keeping any emotion from his tone.

"Sorry to interrupt, Lieutenant," Shepard said, "I need you in the CIC, on the double."

"Aye, aye Sir," Kaidan nodded; he turned back to the screen to find it blue, reading some technical data and two words in stark white: _call terminated_. It took a second to register the emotion he was feeling was anger, almost beyond anger.

God he wanted to smash the panel, he wanted to tear to whole goddamn room apart, he wanted to take his father by the collar and...

He wanted Ash back. He wanted Shepard to stop looking at him with the same professionalism he used on everyone else. He wanted to believe he had done the right thing, like people kept telling him over and over again. Instead he swallowed down the doubt and the resentment and followed Shepard without a word.

* * *

It was an in and out job, nothing special. Kaidan stayed on board while Shepard took Tali and Garrus with him in the Mako. The name Cerberus was thrown around in the teams radio logs, something that had come up a few times now on their travels. He didn't have the time or the energy to think about it. Kaidan had wanted to monitor their progress, make sure nothing untoward happened, but he knew that there would never be a better time than then to make the call. What are we doing here? he had thought as he sat down at the comm. station, We should be out there, finding Saren before it's too late, before things go too far and we're out of our depth. Even more than we already are, he thought facetiously.

Perhaps that had been the hardest part to fathom, he thought while he watched Ashley's mother break down into tears and felt it as if it were his own grief, everything seems so god damn pointless. What are you doing here Alenko? Why are you here, trying to play hero in this situation that's far too big for you, far too much to handle. You're in over your head and it shows; all you've done so far is make bad decision after bad decision. Everything's coming to a head and you're just sat here, thinking about the things that would have mattered if this wasn't such a disaster.

He walked back towards his bunk, heavy with senselessness. What do we do next? He thought, Wait and see? I can't stand this. We're invisible out here, fighting a war from the shadows that no one wants to acknowledge. People are dying and it all feels swept under the carpet, enough to allow for the people on the Presidium to eat their fancy food and walk in the fake sunlight, to allow for the Council to condone Shepard's actions and yet ostensibly offer him little support beyond what benifitted them, to offer pale comments in honour of their dead, no solace, no help, just exploitation of their resources, their honour and Shepard's intrepid nature.

There was no one to mourn Ash but the crew of the  _Normandy_ and her bereaved family, no one to honour their sacrifice but those who instigated it. Kaidan lay down in the bunk but didn't know if it was possible to sleep, as angry as he was. I did what I had to do, he thought, I know that but it shouldn't have to be that way. It shouldn't have come to this, we should have had more backup on Virmire, no one is taking this threat seriously! What will it take? Sovereign crashing in through the Council chambers and declaring war? Saren and the Geth enslaving a planet, turning all the innocent civilians into husks? Serving the same fate as the Protheans had before them? What would it _take_?

* * *

"The Admiral's certainly making good use of us while we're here," Kaidan said, hoping for more of a reply than he got.

"Might as well do some good with our time," Shepard replied with a hint of sarcasm, "better than just watching the feed for news of Saren and waiting for him to turn up."

"Right," Kaidan said, "of course sir."

Shepard hadn't contested the use of the honorific. Kaidan hated the guilty stab it caused but said nothing. He had removed the sling a few hours earlier, Doctor Chakwas saying that everything should be fine as long as he didn't do anything strenuous. Of course Shepard seemed to think that was the ok for him to jump back into the thick of it. Not that Kaidan was complaining. Shepard taking him along was the closest thing he ever thought he would get to an apology from the man. Or at least that was what Kaidan was taking it as.

He, Shepard and Garrus bundled into the shuttle and waited for Joker to break atmosphere around Onterom. They were here to investigate what Admiral Hackett had essentially described as a killing spree. Someone was targeting former Alliance scientists and one of the suspected targets was now incommunicado. Kaidan took the seat in the pilots chair and fired up the drive core, listening in as Shepard and Garrus talked.

"Are you alright Shepard?" the Turian was asking, slight hesitation to his voice.

"I'm fine," the Commander replied unconvincingly, "I just want to get this over and done with so we can get back on track."

"Sure," Garrus replied uncertainly, "of course."

Kaidan had noticed it too, but felt in no position to ask. Shepard was preoccupied by something, something more than just the normal things he had to be preoccupied with. Kaidan couldn't figure out what would be special about this mission and Shepard hadn't elaborated. So he had kept his mouth shut and followed orders, which seemed to be what Shepard needed from him right now. He waited for the signal from Joker and brought the engines online, savouring the giddy feeling of the drop before he gunned them away from the _Normandy_ and out over the landscape.

Onterom seemed like a pleasant enough place. Mountainous green lands spread below them, seemingly primitive and yet somehow enjoyably so. Kaidan followed the beacon that marked out the research station. Maybe you should ask him about it, he thought tersely, He isn't just going to open up to you, not anymore. Beyond that he knew how stubborn Shepard was. The man would rather snap than open up. Perhaps he would have noticed the gun emplacements if he hadn't been so distracted. Instead the only warning he got was the sudden impact of blaster fire and the wailing of the alarm as they tilted wildly.

"Lieutenant, report!" Shepard yelled.

"We're under fire, everyone strap in!" Kaidan shouted back, "We've lost the rear stabilisers, this is gonna get bumpy!"

Landings weren't exactly his specialty at the best of times. Crash landings? Well that was even worse. Crash landings in a hot LZ under canon fire? Kaidan did his best. Unfortunately his best was to skip jump two small hillocks as he aimed for the small piece of open land in the middle of the mountain range, the impact enough to have them raised out of their seats completely before crashing back down against the floor. The final collision threw him forwards against his seatbelt, winding him, and sent his arms out against the control panel.

Everything went still. He felt his head spinning, his ears ringing in the sudden silence. There was scuffling from behind him, muffled voices. At first he couldn't comprehend why everyone would be muttering. Only then, as he felt hands against his chest and he lurched forward as his seatbelt was hastily undone, did he realise that his hearing was coming back and words were becoming clearer. The shuttle shook and the thunderous noise of cannon fire rang in his ears. Deja vu, he thought with desperate humour.

"Come on Lieutenant!" Shepard's voice was urgent, "We have to get out of here!"

"Is everyone alright?" he managed to ask but no one answered.

He stood up and stumbled after Shepard, lurching out into the pale sunshine as the three of them ran full pelt across the ground, squashy underfoot, and managed to make it to a set of low foothills before a vast, sheer cliff. Kaidan threw himself down beside the others, hissing and closing his eyes as a wave of agony shot up his arm.

"What's wrong?" Shepard's voice was loud in his helmet, but the cannon fire half drowned it out, "Alenko!"

"It's nothing," Kaidan managed to grind out, "I can manage."

"Don't bullshit me," Shepard sounded angry but there was a hint of something else there too; not a priority Alenko, he thought as he tried his best to wriggle his fingers. The hot irritation the movement produced was painful but manageable, "Garrus, get that fucker on the cannon, now!"

The Turian gave him a curt nod, pulling his sniper rifle from his back and extending the weapon's scope. Kaidan watched him and wondered, as Shepard kneeled down beside him, that he hadn't ever heard his Commander this violent on the battlefield. After everything he had been through, everything Kaidan had read about his military career and all that he had experienced with the man, Shepard was a very cool and collected individual in the heat of battle. Not now though, Kaidan thought as Shepard watched him closely while he tapped at something insistently on his omni-tool.

"I told you I'm fine," Kaidan reiterated, his tone leaving no room for leeway, "more importantly how are we going to get to the base with that canon keeping us pinned?"

"I'll have that sorted," Garrus shouted over the din as he leaned back into the heavy kick of the sniper rifle, a distinctly happy smirk on his face as he narrowed his eyes and took aim once more, "look at him moving about like that, you'd think he _knew_ I was trying to kill him."

"And the shuttle Commander," Kaidan said as Shepard holstered his pistol and pulled out his own sniper rifle, "I don't think she's space-worthy anymore, there might be a few too many holes in the hull. Could cause a few problems getting back to the _Normandy_."

"Then we'll just have to bring the _Normandy_ to us," Shepard said tightly.

"I doubt that'll happen, sir," Kaidan said as he looked around him, craning his neck to see the impossible heights of the mountains surrounding them, "we're sunk in, no way even Joker could pilot..."

"You know if you don't have anything positive to add to the situation," Shepard cut in suddenly; Kaidan looked to him in surprise, watching as he set up the HUD on the rifles holo-read out, "how about you keep it to yourself."

It wasn't so much a slap to the face as it was a kick to the teeth. Being under fire? It sounded jaded to say it but Kaidan was used to this sort of stress and punishment and, as far as he'd been led to believe, so was Shepard. Yet now he found himself here, trying to be as objective as possible in a bad situation, and his CO felt the need to give him the order to keep his mouth shut. Well thanks for that, Kaidan thought grimly, after the rest of the emotional trauma I've suffered lately, why _don't_ you just add a few well placed barbs to go along with them? That would be swell.

"Well I could do that," Kaidan said, keeping his calm as he watched Shepard take cover as the canon fire shattered the rock, throwing chips out over the three of them, "or you could both cover me while I deal with that canon."

"What are you..?" Shepard started to ask, descending from irritated to panicked as Kaidan stood and ran once more for the shuttle, "Lieutenant, get back here!"

He didn't listen, perhaps because he knew what he was capable of better than Shepard did, or in a perverse way because he wanted to make sure that Shepard knew what he was capable of. He could hear his CO through the comm. in his helmet. He didn't pay too much attention, instead only catching the odd obscenity here and there as he hid behind the smoking ruins of the shuttle, both hearing and feeling the canon fire follow him. Should be easy from here, he thought as he concentrated. He had always had an affinity for electronics. There was something satisfying and immensely creative in building machinery, seeing something inert essentially come to life. And it was soothing, fixing things, finding the circuit and linking it up, taking something apart only to find the sum of the parts that made it a whole; take one out and the whole thing fell apart.

An apt metaphor for their unit. Ash was gone and things had gone to shit pretty damn quick. Maybe there's a chance we can put it back together again, he thought as he pulled on his latent ability, feeling the humming power building in his arm. Yes he enjoyed fixing machinery, and his biotics were very useful on that front, but as an expert at putting things back together he was also an expert at taking them apart.

He waited for the break in the thunderous booming fire of the energy canon before leaning around the side of the shuttle and reaching out with his biotics. He was still a little far away, almost too far, but as he felt his power connect he knew that it was all over. The overload created an impressive explosion of sparks but the procedure itself was rather complicated. What had seemed like a minute in his head, reaching down into the circuitry to instigate the overload, had been only a few seconds of real time. He watched as the canon continued to blow, one part after the other, just as he had engineered, the user tumbling out holding a bloodied leg as his teammates picked him up and hauled him inside, retreating into the facility built into the rock of the cliff face itself.

"And just what the hell was that supposed to be?" the voice was just as loud as it had been, but he knew Shepard was standing over him from the shadow that had descended; he stood up and faced his CO, Garrus still walking across the thick, damp grass, his rifle sight trained on the doorway.

"A solution to our problem, sir," Kaidan said; he knew it was antagonistic and he knew he shouldn't be so, but it was difficult not to fall into that with Shepard it seemed. Guess I should be the bigger man, he thought, "sorry sir, I should have told you. Just didn't think there was much time for deliberation."

Even beneath the helmet, the visor tinted for the sun's glare, he knew Shepard's eyes were watching him, sharp and cold. He could feel it more than see it.

"You disobey a direct order again, Lieutenant," Shepard finally said as he motioned for both Kaidan and Garrus to follow, "and I'll have you confined to quarters on our return. Do you understand?"

"Yes, sir," Kaidan agreed; not that he actually agreed, it just seemed foolish to provoke Shepard any more than he already had, considering the man's foul mood.

The facility was strangely quiet as they entered, but it was obvious that there had been a struggle. Every room seemed to hold a different story engrained upon the spilt coffee cups or broken data pads or broken chairs. Blood stains yet no dead. That doesn't bode well, Kaidan thought as he kept both his pistol and his guard up. They cleared the first few rooms, seeming more like lounge areas than labs, but found neither people nor information.

"They must have retreated further inside," Shepard said, looking down to his omni-tool and flicking a few controls, "the atmosphere is stable in here."

Removing his helmet only told Kaidan everything he already knew. Shepard was grim faced and hard eyed, surveying his surroundings with hawk like attention. His CO clipped his helmet to his armour before pulling a Kuwashii visor from his pouch, attaching it to his face. He really means business, Kaidan thought as he shuffled through the data pads on a nearby desk, trying to find some indication as to why the facility had been attacked.

"Looks like they were taken by surprise," Kaidan heard Garrus say as he found a half-working data pad at the bottom of a pile down the side of the desk, "there's half eaten food, no signs of a prolonged struggle or that they fought back. I think most of this damage was done as intimidation, they must have taken the people somewhere else."

"That sounds reasonable," Shepard replied; Kaidan listened to them talk with half an ear as he opened up the back of the data pad and tweaked the circuitry with the aid of his omni-tool. After a few goes he managed to get the screen to stop reading static. It was a cryptic but, at the same time, chilling read.

[ **Private Message** ]  
4560-80:5765  
From: Horace  
To: Bryn

Bryn, I don't like this. I've managed to get eyes on some of the research the others were doing, and I'm getting a sense of a big picture here beyond anything we could have imagined. In our worse nightmares kind of imagined.

I'm going to start sabotaging my work. That's how bad it is. We need to meet up and talk. ASAP.

**H.**

"Stay focused," he heard Shepard saying when he zoned back in, "we'd better hurry if we want to find this Dr. Wayne alive."

Kaidan transferred the message from the data pad to his omni-tool before throwing the ruined pad back onto the desk. Yet even as they descended further into the facility he couldn't help but wonder what exactly they had stumbled into here. Yet you and Garrus seem to be the only ones, don't you, he thought with suspicion, watching as Shepard moved with tight control, like a man with a mission more than a cautious observer. He knows something, Kaidan thought, and he isn't telling what.

There wasn't a lot of time to think after the brief moment of calm. They re-engaged with the enemy on the second floor, finding them bunkered in behind smashed up desks and machinery, broken glass littering the floor through ruined laboratories. They were decent adversaries, as far as Kaidan was concerned, accurate and ruthless yet their armour bore no insignia and they wore no conforming uniform. Mercenaries? Kaidan thought as he ripped the assault rifle from the startled hands of one of the women, causing her to stumble back behind cover. He could hear her shouting, " _They've got a biotic!_ " before the tell tale tinkling of a grenade skipping across the floor silenced her. It was a hard fight but it ended the way he had predicted it would; everyone dead but them.

"They're really very keen on killing us, aren't they?" Garrus said sarcastically as he picked at a new, large chip in his armour.

"Well they all get their chance," Shepard said, his voice low and steady.

"They're not hired guards," Kaidan continued his speculation as he rolled over one of the dead bodies, their limbs lolling lifelessly, "I think they might be mercs, but they seem a little disorganised to be professional guns for hire."

"Mercs, gangs, security," Shepard shrugged as he walked past, "they might fight differently but they all fall the same way."

Not expecting that sort of merciless speech had perhaps made it hit all the harder. Kaidan didn't reply, mainly because he'd rather pretend he hadn't heard it at all. Fuck Shepard, he thought, a little dazed, what the hell is wrong with you? What aren't you telling us? He stood up slowly, looking round conspiratorially to Garrus to see if the Turian'd had any reaction to Shepard's words. Garrus acknowledged the look but simply shrugged, his face unreadable other than that, before walking forwards to join Shepard.

"Alenko, you take Garrus and clear the labs on the south side," Shepard said as he looked down a long, cluttered corridor, the dust motes heavy in the shuttered light, "I'll take the north."

"Yes, sir," was what he said, even as he desperately wanted to say 'fuck that, sir'; leaving Shepard to his own devices at that moment in time seemed unwise, but Kaidan didn't resist.

More ruined furniture, more ruined machinery, yet now there was a new accompaniment; corpses of lab assistants, or scientists, Kaidan wasn't sure he would know the difference. There were two women in the third room on the south side, huddled together behind a rounded desk, crumpled against each other, bullet wounds in their foreheads.

"My god," Kaidan said softly as he examined their wounds, "they weren't just killed, they were executed."

"There's more motive to this attack than just stealing technology or getting quick credits," Garrus said as he looked down at the scientists, "we used to see a lot of scenes like this on the Citadel, what with the Blue Suns and the Blood Pack always going at it, taking out snitches and low level punks that shouldn't have even been involved. They always fell the same way. They weren't just executed, they were probably executed on their knees, begging for their lives."

"Shit," Kaidan said as he stood, shaking his head, "this isn't just a killing spree, this is revenge."

"Looks that way," Garrus nodded, his face serious, "maybe you should look around while I check on Shepard."

Kaidan was glad that he wasn't the only one who had picked up on Shepard's aberrant behaviour. Garrus was also obviously concerned, leaving Kaidan to scout the terminals while Garrus walked off to find their wayward CO. There were a few still working, and out of those one was still logged in. Kaidan flipped through the data entries, trying to glean anything useful.

{ **file corrupted** }  
[...] and I don't know why they would request such a thing. I think Cerberus is keeping information from me, and as project manager that is unacceptable. I don't appreciate being toyed with. I will have Garrett look into this tomorrow, see if he can find out anything about the operative we've been dealing with, Miranda or whatever her name is [ **...** ]

Cerberus? The reoccurrence of the name was not a coincidence, as far as Kaidan was concerned. The few times he had heard it before it had always been linked to suspicious circumstances or things going awry. It didn't seem that this situation was any different, only that this time they weren't coming in to clean up the mess Cerberus had left behind, but instead had stumbled upon someone else trying to do just that. Data pads had been smashed, terminals wrecked. Whoever they were they were trying their hardest to eradicate everything these people had worked on. It was as he synced the terminal to his omni-tool, hoping to take the corrupted files and perhaps have Liara try and restore them, that he heard the yelling.

"Lieutenant, I need you down here!" Garrus sounded urgent over the comm., and the fact that it wasn't Shepard who was doing the ordering only made him all the more apprehensive.

Why did we split up? he thought anxiously. He wasted no time, didn't hesitate, only let his instincts kick in, pulled out his assault rifle and ran.

"Stay back!" someone was shouting as Kaidan turned down another corridor, following Garrus and Shepard's signals on his omni-tool, "I have no grief with you, all I want is this bastard!"

It wasn't a promising scene that he ran into as he sprinted through the final door, but it was nowhere near as dire as the scenarios his imagination had thought up. Shepard and Garrus were on alert, weapons drawn against what looked like another Merc who was, in turn, pointing a heavy pistol at a terrified scientist who was already showing signs of rough treatment if his black eye and bleeding cheek were anything to go by.

"Put the gun down," Shepard was saying as Kaidan readied his weapon, trained on the Merc, and sidled to Shepard's side, a little behind his CO, "or I'll make you wish you'd put it down."

"He's a madman," the scientist spoke up in a trembling voice, "Please..!"

"And you, keep your mouth shut," Shepard had spoken harshly to the Merc, but it was nothing compared to the venom in his voice as he addressed the scientist; this isn't good, Kaidan thought tightly.

"But I..." the scientist continued, obviously thrown by the sudden shift of his saviours seeming just as hostile as his attackers, shifting his focus back to the Merc with the gun in his face, "Please, Toombs, you need help!"

The reaction was instantaneous. Kaidan had been keeping such a close eye on Shepard that he didn't miss a beat as his CO wavered, his eyes widening in what could only be shock as he stared at the Merc who was yet to look in their direction. This Toombs rambled for another moment before turning to look at their small group. The shock was only mirrored in his crazed eyes. What the hell is going on here? Kaidan thought agitatedly as Toombs started to speak.

"Shepard?" the word sounded more lost and amazed than questioning, "My god, Shepard is that you?"

"Toombs," Shepard's voice was soft as it spoke the name, becoming stronger as he spoke; Kaidan wasn't sure what to do when Shepard lowered his gun completely, but he decided to follow his CO's lead for now, no matter how many questions were being left unanswered, "I don't believe it, you were _dead_. I saw the thresher maw pull you under! This can't be, I was the only one who made it back..."

Thresher maw? Kaidan thought with a start. Jesus Christ, is he talking about Akuze? Everything started to slowly click into place but Kaidan could hardly believe what he was hearing. Any time he had even barely mentioned Akuze Shepard clammed up worse than a Batarian bookie. It made more sense now why he hadn't told them everything concerning the mission, but that didn't make it any better.

"They took me Shepard," Toombs sounded slightly delirious; could be drugged, Kaidan thought as he tried to wrap his head around the situation. God dammit Shepard you could have told us this from the start, "the scientists. They found me and they took me."

"You can't prove any of this," the scientist spoke up once more, obviously not wanting to heed the warning Shepard had given him earlier, "this man is delusional!"

"See, they were running tests," Toombs' voice had suddenly taken on a nasty tone, sick with vitriol, "on the thresher maws. They let those things hit us, they _lured_ us there just to watch and study as they swallowed us all whole! I woke up...in a holding cell. I don't know how I got there, but they were so happy, weren't you, that I'd survived? So you had someone to run your little tests on?"

It was more than remorse he saw in Shepard's eyes. There was pain there, deep seated, hidden, raw _pain_ that was being brought to the surface kicking and screaming.

"Toombs, I..." Shepard hesitated, shaking his head as if he was trying to shake himself out of a nightmare, "I didn't see you, I didn't see _anybody_ after...god, if I'd seen you I would have come back, I swear. I thought you were dead, I thought you were all dead."

"You can't believe Toombs!" the scientist piped up again; you really need to shut up, Kaidan thought as he saw the visceral pain in Shepard's eyes morph to anger in a heartbeat as his blue eyes shifted to the white coated man, "He doesn't have any proof! I demand a fair trial!"

"He was there, you bastard!" Toombs yelled in the man's face, shoving the pistol close to the scientist, making the man flinch, "He already knows the truth! They're part of some organisation, Cerberus, that runs secret tests like this," his voice shifted from angry to lost once more, "They treated me like a lab animal, like a fucking rat in a cage."

Not a good time to interrupt, Kaidan thought quickly, but I don't think I'll get another time to do it. He pulled up his omni-tool and tapped into the data he had scoured from the lab as they had worked their way through.

"Shepard wait," he said, not enjoying those piercing eyes being directed at him, but he weathered it all the same, "I picked up some information, scraps of messages. It seems that some of the scientists didn't know what they were working on. Some were even sabotaging their research because they were suspicious that it was being misused."

"No, that's not true, they knew, they all knew!" Toombs yelled; Kaidan stopped talking, not wanting to provoke the man any further, "This man deserves to die Shepard. For you, for me, for Geiger and Johnson and Kelly and everyone else in the unit. They're lower than murderers because they think they can wipe their hands of us by giving excuses and lies. There's only one way to end this. It makes sense, really, that you're here. It all makes some sort of sense, doesn't it? Are you with me?"

For a moment, tense and worrying as it was, Kaidan actually thought Shepard would simply nod his head and allow Toombs to murder the man right in front of them. The relief he felt when Shepard shook his head was almost palpable. He had readied his biotics just in case, ready to try and pull the man's gun from his hand before he had a chance to make the shot, but he was worried that, at this close range, he wouldn't be able to use such precise control, ending up breaking the man's wrist or even his arm.

"Maybe he does deserve to die," Shepard said, his voice suddenly tired but still strong, "but you're better than this Toombs. You're not like them."

"Don't tell me who I am," Toombs basically growled, his eyes narrowing, "you didn't go through what I  _went through_! You got away easy, with a few scratches and a scary reputation!"

If only that was true, Kaidan thought as he watched Shepard take the accusations that Toombs was throwing, if only all scars were visible.

"The rest of the unit _died_ , and I was tortured, tortured for years Shepard!" Toombs continued, "You can't judge me. You don't have the right!"

"I've had just about enough of your shit, marine," Shepard's stern tone took not only Toombs by surprise, but Kaidan too; I hope he knows what he's doing, Kaidan thought as he kept his rifle ready, just in case, "when Marco was discharged for killing the POW's after the Blitz, what did I tell you?"

"That's not the same!" Toombs shouted, his face twisting in grief and anger.

"I asked you a question, marine, and I don't like having to ask twice," Shepard stepped forwards, making Kaidan flinch as Shepard only moved himself closer to the unstable maniac holding the gun, "what did I _tell_ you?"

"That...that we can't put ourselves on their level," Toombs ground out, as if it was too much to hear himself say the words out loud, "that killing for the sake of killing only took the humanity right out of us."

"And that's what they're trying to do to you, right now," Shepard said, inching his way closer, "trying to turn you into a cold, heartless fuck who wouldn't hesitate before pulling the trigger. They tortured you Toombs, and they tortured me too, for all these years. Are you going to let them do this to you, let them wipe out the last bit of the man I once knew?"

"I...no, I..!" Toombs seemed to waver, his face shifting between enraged and agonised, "I can't, I have to kill them all, they need to pay..!"

"Give me the gun, marine," Shepard said calmly, staring right into Toombs' eyes, "you know I'll make this right. I left you there for these jackals, and for that I'll never forgive myself, but I need you to trust me now. Like you used to. Give me the gun."

The sound that escaped Toombs' throat as Shepard reached forward slowly and took hold of the pistol was something Kaidan didn't think he would be forgetting any time soon. Anguish was too soft a word; agony was perhaps closer. As soon as the weapon was gone, safely in Shepard's hand, the man crumpled and the Commander stepped forwards to catch him, holding him around the shoulders with one arm to keep him upright.

"It's alright, I swear, it's alright now," Shepard was saying softly, "we're going to make this right, I promise you that. They couldn't turn you into a murderer. It's alright. Kaidan," he perked up as Shepard looked around at him and brought Toombs round with him, "take him for a moment, make sure he's alright."

"Of course Shepard," he said, even if he felt a little lost as he placed his hands on the broken man's shoulders, forced to holster his rifle in order to keep Toombs steady.

"I just want to make it stop," Toombs was whispering, "the screaming, I just want it to stop."

"We'll get you somewhere safe," Kaidan said, unsure of what follow it with; he looked to Garrus, who looked as relieved as he was, which was perhaps why the sudden movement from Shepard came as such a surprise.

Kaidan turned his head and only caught the tail end of the movement, which had been Shepard smacking the barrel of Toombs' pistol into the scientist's face, sending the reedy man to the floor with a howl. Kaidan felt Toombs start forwards and quickly reinforcced his hold on the man, making sure he couldn't move. Fuck, Kaidan thought as Shepard walked calmly towards the scientist who lay on the floor, clutching his face in agony, until he had his feet on either side of the man's waist.

"Shepard, what the hell are you doing?" Garrus didn't sound half as worried as Kaidan was, but then the Turian couldn't see his CO's face from where he stood; Kaidan could, Kaidan could see the cold, hard, ruthless stare of a man who had given up caring.

"Commander," Kaidan said, his heart racing as Shepard squatted down and placed the barrel of the gun against the scientist's head, making the man beneath him stop moving and lay dead still, "Shepard please, don't..."

"My Lieutenant here says that there's a chance you might be innocent," Shepard said, his voice far too calm for Kaidan's liking, "but then there's just as equal a chance that Toombs is telling the truth and you knew _everything_."

Shepard drew out the last three words as if he were speaking to a small child, his eyes not moving from the man beneath him who was now taking small, short breaths, blood running from his nose down over his cheek.

"This isn't the way to do this, Shepard," Kaidan tried to stay as calm as his Commander appeared to be but he couldn't, he could hear the anxiety in his voice, "think about what you told Toombs."

Only Shepard wasn't listening to him. The man seemed to be in some other space, far away from any of them, or maybe he simply didn't care enough about his own sanity as much as he had cared about Toombs'. Kaidan felt his mouth go dry as he watched Shepard reach into his right pouch and pull out an exploding round. Oh god, he thought, oh god don't do this. Shepard looked at the pistol, saying "three rounds" casually before pointing it down beside the head of the scientist and firing one, twice, three times while the man on the floor screamed and closed his eyes. Kaidan had started forwards, not knowing what he was going to do but knowing that, as soon as he had, Toombs had also tried to get loose. Fuck, Kaidan thought, unable to do anything while he had his hands full.

"Scared?" Shepard asked as the scientist stared up at him with unblinking eyes, mumbled pleas leaving his mouth but in a voice so soft Kaidan couldn't make them out, "well this bullet should be enough to kill you outright. The others might have left you brain dead, if I was careless enough, but this one, well, this one is different. I don't think they'll be much left of your head from this close range. Might have trouble ID-ing you."

"Oh god, oh god," the scientist's voice finally managed to reach a pitch that was audible, "don't kill me, please, I didn't, I—oh god please I..."

"I'm going to ask you once," Shepard said, once more pointing the gun at the man's head, right between the eyes, "did you know what the research was being used for? Did you lure us to that god forsaken spit of a planet to watch us all die?"

"I—I don't, I swear I..." the scientist garbled out, "please, don't kill me!"

"Please Shepard, think about what you're doing," Kaidan said, trying desperately to get Shepard's attention, "don't do this."

"I said I would only ask you once," Shepard said again, pressing the gun closer, "and if you don't tell me I'm going to blow your fucking head off."

"This isn't you Mal," Kaidan pleaded, "don't let him make you into something you hate!"

"Oh god forgive me," the scientist wept as he confessed, "I knew, I _knew_ ," Kaidan let his shoulders sag as Shepard pulled the gun back, leaving a heavy red mark against the scientist's forehead; Christ you had me worried, he thought as Shepard stood up, the scientist still babbling brokenly, "the others suspected and they were killed anyway but I knew. Damn Cerberus! Damn them and their..!"

He wouldn't have believed it if he had been told, how the silence shattered and the words of the scientist were cut off as the explosive round took him through the face and burst his head open like a melon, spraying bone and brain and sinew alike over the wall, over Kaidan's legs and up over Shepard like a fountain. He barely had time to react to the noise, to the feeling of something soft, the _matter_ hitting his legs, to take in Shepard's emotionless stare as he looked down to where there had once been a face, begging him for mercy.

"Well," Garrus said, sounding shocked but in no way appalled, "I guess he had what was coming to him."

"What the...I have to..." Kaidan knew that the words were barely audible but he couldn't help but say them, "...Shepard."

He couldn't look away from the ruined corpse at Shepard's feet, before slowly looking up to his CO as Shepard pocketed Toombs' gun and reached up to his comm. Shepard looked to Toombs, still clutched in Kaidan's grasp even though the man was docile once more.

"Those bastards can't hurt you anymore," Shepard said before the comm. link opened, "Joker, get a message through to Admiral Hackett. We're done here and we have a survivor, tell the Fifth Fleet we need a ship for pick up, our shuttle is out of commission. Maybe they could spare us some supplies and a repair team too, if they're feeling generous."

Everything from that point until they returned to the _Normandy_ passed in a bit of a blur. Kaidan remembered Shepard taking charge of Toombs. He remembered Shepard's voice pulling him away from staring blankly at the scene before him, "come on Lieutenant, we're leaving" he had said. So Kaidan had followed, walked back out of the facility, past the silent bodies and the wreckage and the destruction. Back out into the pale sunlight and the wet atmosphere to wait for the pick-up. The next thing he was really aware of was the engineering squad arriving and then he and Garrus were bundled inside their shuttle and ferried back to the _Normandy_ , while Shepard stayed with Toombs to make sure he was alright until he could get him to the Admiral's flagship.

"You don't look well, Lieutenant," Pressly had said after they had undergone decontamination and been called to the comm. room for debrief while Shepard was still off ship, "are you alright?"

"I..." lie, his conscience told him, just lie, "I strained my arm sir. It's still pretty tender, Doc told me to be careful but I think I was a little too free with that order."

"Well, you should get yourself to medical," Pressly said authoritatively, "I don't want you to make it worse, fractures can be tricky. I'll debrief you once you've been seen by Doctor Chakwas, or Captain Anderson will do so for both you and Commander Shepard if he has returned by then."

He knew that Garrus was giving him an odd look as he left but Kaidan didn't care. He didn't drop the pretence, as thin as it was, and let Chakwas scan his arm and let him know that he had probably only felt a bruised muscle from the surgery. She did seem concerned at his attitude however, as out of it as he was.

"I need a sedative," Kaidan said, "I can feel the migraine coming and it's going to be a bad one."

"A sedative?" Chakwas sounded taken aback, "Why Lieutenant I'm sure that the pain killers will..."

"Just give me the sedative," Kaidan snapped, watching as Chakwas frowned before taking a breath and closing his eyes, "please Doc, I don't think the pain killers will do anything. I just need to sit this one out."

Whether the lie worked or his tone was simply as desperate as he felt, Chakwas gave in. She administered the sedative but told him that she would only give it to him if he stayed in med bay and let her monitor him. He agreed blindly, not caring as long as he could escape as quickly as possible from the growing realisations forming in his head that were building like a pressure behind his eyes.

You can't hold on to Ashley's death, he thought desperately. You can't let it turn you into that, you can't let the guilt eat you away from the inside until all that's left is a bitter husk that parades itself as a human being. You can't keep everything bottled up until one day you snap and everything comes out as a bullet into someone else's face. Kaidan had always wondered why Shepard refused to open up to him, even after he had forced Kaidan to tell him about BAaT, about his own personal demons. Now he thought he knew, that maybe Shepard couldn't open up because his demons were a part of him more than Kaidan had ever allowed his to be. He had tried his best to fight them off, while Shepard could have only embraced them.

The sedatives were quick. Kaidan followed his thoughts down into a sleep where, thankfully, no dreams awaited him.

* * *

The light was dull when he awoke, turned down to the lowest setting, creating an environment that he could handle. He blinked open his eyes and felt the world spin slightly. There was a throbbing pain raging in his temples which he was slowly becoming aware of, scouring down across his forehead and his eyes, down his neck and into his shoulders. He felt the nausea roiling in his system as he became more and more awake. Fuck, he thought, damn sedatives. They had never sat well with him, always leaving him nauseous and sick. The migraine he had known would come was still in effect it seemed. His mouth felt like cotton wool and he could feel the dry heat on his forehead, his skin prickling. How long have I been out? he thought, rolling his head to the right carefully in order to see Doctor Chakwas' screen.

Only instead he found Shepard, sitting in the chair, blocking his view. Kaidan breathed shallowly to keep the nausea at bay while he looked up to Shepard's face, finding the man awake and watching him silently.

"You're awake," was all Shepard said, his voice considerately quiet.

"...Yeah," Kaidan managed to say hoarsely after a few moments of psyching himself up for it.

"Well," Shepard said, managing a small 'almost' smile that made Kaidan's migraine worsen, "you look like shit Kaidan. How are you holding up?"

Nothing, he thought, it's like nothing has happened. Kaidan rolled his head back to the centre so as to stare up at the ceiling. You murdered him Shepard, he thought, his stomach rolling along with the thought, you killed him in cold blood. What was all that moralising for? Why did you stop Toombs if you were only going to do it to yourself? He started to sit up very slowly, using the sides of the bed as leverage.

"Is that a good idea?" Shepard asked, even as he reached out to help Kaidan with a hand against his back.

"Helps," was all he managed to get out.

He moved his legs over the edge until his feet were against the floor, only his stomach didn't seem to appreciate that. Kaidan swallowed with a gag and brought his closed fist to his mouth, feeling the involuntary shaking in his shoulders. He felt cold, wondering if it was the after effects of the shock. A sedative had been a very bad idea considering his condition, but Kaidan was sure it would have been worse if he hadn't taken the coward's way out. Having to explain the real reason why he was acting so bizarrely was enough to have him heave again.

"I don't think Doctor Chakwas would appreciate you throwing up all over the floor," Shepard said with wry humour that Kaidan didn't appreciate, "Come on, I'll get you to the bathroom. You'll feel better."

It was a torturously slow process, making sure he didn't vomit on the way to the small bathroom at the back of the med bay, just before Liara's workstation. His mind was spinning as Shepard lowered him down to the side of the small toilet but it didn't take much to have him reach up to take a hold of the rim and haul his head over the side, emptying the meagre contents of his stomach into the bowl. He spat, breathing heavily as he felt his insides writhe, his head raging as the blood rushed to it. Fuck my life, he thought wearily as he felt more bile wretch up this throat and he once more put his head over the toilet, heaving until there was nothing left. He knew Shepard was there but the man said nothing. Kaidan waited until he was sure there wasn't going to be a resurgence before leaning back against the wall behind him and breathing steadily, hating the sweet sick smell in his nose and the tang in his mouth. When he felt a hand against his shoulder he opened one eye and looked up to find a plastic cup of water and a small towel being held in front of him. He took both without question, rinsing out his mouth and wiping away the sick he could feel on his chin. He thought about blowing his nose but then realised it wouldn't sit well with his migraine.

Shepard helped him back to the bed and set him down carefully. Kaidan couldn't understand the disconnect. Perhaps it was the headache, or even the relief from the nausea which was now only a background discomfort instead of a debilitating distraction, but the thought just wouldn't leave him. How can he be so kind? he thought, He was so cold, calculating, and a god damn hypocrite too. He had you fooled, right? That he had the ability to care about you? You always thought there was something lying under his mask, didn't you? Now you've seen it, that cold malice, and yet you can't reconcile that with the man that kissed you like you were the last person alive, or let the Rachni Queen live, or handed you that bloody cup of water.

"Which pain killers does Doc normally give you?" Kaidan heard Shepard say as he rooted around in Chakwas' cabinet.

"The red one," Kaidan said helpfully, not having the ability to remember the complicated number that went with the complicated name.

"Red one huh?" Shepard said, the sound of vials clinking against each other, "This one?"

Kaidan looked up at the vial Shepard held out to him, shaking his hand as a negative. Too pale in colour, his poison was dark red, like blood.

"Then it must be this one," Shepard said, closing the cabinet and walking back to the bed, sitting down in the chair as he held out the vial for Kaidan to read; Kaidan tried to focus on the letters or numbers but it was too blurred. He squinted, which hurt, but finally managed to make it out. He gave Shepard a thumbs up to let him know it was the right one and his Commander loaded the vial into the pressure gun. Where _is_ the Doc? Kaidan wondered as Shepard spoke, "give me your arm."

He simply complied, savouring the short sting of the needle in his flesh as it was enough to momentarily, even if only for a second, distract him from the pain in his head. He swallowed down the last remnants of the vile taste in his mouth and waited for the drugs to kick in. They never took very long, which was a blessing he was more than willing to accept, even if it removed the one excuse he had to not speak to Shepard.

And the man did not leave. He just sat there, silently, sitting back in his chair and watching the far wall. Sometimes Kaidan would open his eyes long enough to see his Commander flick his gaze from one thing to another, but normally his stare was dead ahead and sightless. What does it mean? he thought as the pain began to ebb, And, in the end, what does it even matter?

"Why did you kill him, Shepard?" he asked once the unbelievable pain in his head had dulled to a slow, manageable ache.

The Commander didn't react at first, simply continuing his blank stare, before he finally took a deep breath and let it out as a long sigh, sitting forward with his elbows on his knees, his hands clasped. He looked at Kaidan and Kaidan looked back through half-lidded eyes. He wasn't sure if Shepard was trying for some sort of understanding or if the man was simply looking for something that Kaidan couldn't fathom. Whatever it was, and whether or not he found it, the Commander finally spoke.

"Someone had to get justice for what happened," he said, his tone hard but, at the same time, vulnerable, "I just...didn't want it to be Toombs. It was enough of a shock seeing him there, or what was left of him, but he'd suffered enough. That man, those scientists..."

Kaidan watched as his CO shook his head languorously and sighed, sounding tired, hollowed out.

"Someone had to pay for everything they did to Toombs," he said softly, "for everything they did to my squad. For everything they did to me."

There has to be something else, his mind screamed. Doesn't there? God that can't be all there is, that can't be the only thing that you have driving you Shepard.

"I won't say I'm proud of it Lieutenant," Shepard said, "but it had to be done. I'll face the consequences, whatever they'll be."

It can't be like this, he thought in a slight panic. You're the best person I know, the most noble, the most centred and kind, the...the...God there has to be more than just good old fashioned revenge, doesn't there?

Doesn't there?

Just like there has to be more to it that you set the bomb knowing that you would have to make him choose? Set the bomb knowing, somewhere deep down that you don't dare look at that you knew he would choose you? That the guilt is almost too much to bear because you did what you had to do but it eats away at you, it claws at you from the inside and makes you wish it had gone the other way and you had died instead of her?

Does there have to be more if you both did what you thought had to be done, but at the same time you regret it to the point that you wished it could have been any other way?

"I...think I understand," he managed to say, even as he hated himself for saying it, "I'm not saying it's right, and by god Shepard I wish you hadn't done it, I wish you hadn't felt it was the only way out but...but I understand."

There was a heavy silence, one that extended out long enough that Kaidan found himself focusing on Shepard's shallow breathing as a way to keep his world from spinning and lose the last remnants of the migraine altogether, leaving him with only a noisy conscience and a head full of bad memories. When Shepard finally replied his eyes looked somewhat haunted.

"I almost wish you hadn't said that," he said hollowly.

"What?" Kaidan said, frowning as he managed to prop himself up onto one elbow, putting him level with Shepard, "What do you mean?"

"I wouldn't wish this sort of understanding on my worst enemy," Shepard said as he seemed to subconsciously reach out and smooth the sweat soaked strands of hair away from Kaidan's forehead, "I don't want you to have to feel this sort of burden."

"I don't think that's for either of us to decide," Kaidan said, hating that Shepard's gentle touch felt so good.

"You're wrong," Shepard said, pulling his hand back and shaking his head, "you can hold onto your guilt, or you can let it go. I hold onto mine because...after Akuze it was all that kept me going. I don't want that for you Kaidan, so please stop blaming yourself. Ash's death was not your fault."

Don't say that, Kaidan thought as the pain seemed to rush back. Fuck this is ridiculous, get over it and move on, was what the military man in him thought, while the rest of him, the parts that were still naive enough to take everything to heart, felt like breaking down. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath.

"You made the choice I couldn't," Shepard said, "and I made my own choice in coming back for you."

"I know," he said, even as the words sneered at him, "I did what I had to do, I know that, but she died because of me. She died because of us and...I don't know what to do with that."

"You don't blame yourself," Shepard said strongly, "you accept it and you focus that anger somewhere else, somewhere deserved. You blame Saren for getting us into this mess in the first place, you blame the Geth for forcing you to choose whether to set the nuke off even though you knew what it meant, but for god's sake Kaidan don't blame yourself. It isn't worth the payback, _believe_ me."

What am I supposed to say to that? he thought, Nothing is that simple. It can't be that simple. Shepard just watched him with a curious stare before rubbing at his jaw and sitting back in his chair.

"You know, you remind me a lot of someone I used to know," he said as he pushed up out of the chair and stood, stretching out his back, "good man, wicked sense of humour. Wore his heart on his sleeve and it showed, not that he ever cared. Used to tease him about it but...I think I liked that the most about him."

Shepard seemed to falter, unable to say anything more. Instead he reached out with his right hand and squeezed Kaidan's shoulder, not looking him in the eye, before turning and leaving without another word. Kaidan lay there for another few minutes, unsure what to think. Everything seemed to have been heading straight for the abyss once more and yet, at the last second, once more Shepard had reached in to pull him back.

Maybe he'd never be able to reconcile the two halves of the man he had seen that day, but then, he told himself, maybe he didn't have to.


	8. Steep Descent

" _The oldest and strongest emotion of mankind is fear, and the oldest and strongest kind of fear is fear of the unknown._ "

H.P. Lovecraft

* * *

Eventually, as they hunkered down behind the still smoking ruins of what had once been the C-Sec checkpoint at the Docks, the firing stopped.

"Give it up Shepard," came the demand in a distinctly Turian tongue, "we've disabled the _Normandy_ , you're not going anywhere."

Kaidan looked to Shepard as the man checked the clip in the stolen pistol he held.

"Some rescue this is turning out to be," his Commander offered in a half serious, half amused tone.

"If you want to go back, seems like there's twenty or so C-Sec officers quite happy to be your personal escort," Kaidan said with a sarcastic raise of his eyebrows.

"Huh," Shepard shook his head and grinned, making Kaidan frown, "when did you develop a sense of humour?"

"It comes out at the most inopportune of moments," Kaidan replied with a shrug.

He would say this at least, that life with Shepard was always interesting.

* * *

_20 hours earlier..._

The dream was clear and bright, yet not much remained after waking other than feeling shaken and the want, the _need_ , to remember what had happened. He had felt weightless; it had been comforting, and yet he had felt strangely exposed. Something nipped at the dark, half awake parts of his consciousness. He reached his hand out in the dim light of his bunk and placed his fingertips against the bottom of the bunk above.

Something sparked. A sudden snippet of a child's voice and a feeling of uneasiness in his stomach.

_...three blind mice, see how they run, see how they..._

It was always the same after the sedatives. Nausea, sickness and lethargy followed unsettling dreams. It had been an irresponsible move, considering their status of high alert, but thankfully things had remained relatively quiet after their stint on Onterom. Kaidan stared up into the gloomy low lighting and wondered what their next move would be.

"Lieutenant Alenko, report to the Briefing Room on the double," Pressly's voice was unexpected and jarring over his comm unit.

"Yes sir," Kaidan replied, trying to sound awake and alert.

Seems like we're all thinking the same thing, Kaidan thought as he quickly changed his shirt. He tried to focus but it had been a short and restless sleep and he felt fuzzy around the edges. He brought his omni-tool online and glanced at the time. Shit, he thought with a sigh. It had been barely two hours since he had managed to stumble from the Med Bay to his bunk and pass out. His shoulders ached and his limbs were stiff and sore. He tried to straighten himself out but his efforts only made things worse. Just shut up and put up, marine, he told himself sternly. No time to feel sorry for yourself now.

The situation had been tense on board the _Normandy_ ever since Virmire, for obvious reasons, and their recent stint to Onterom hadn't made things any better. What with everything they had lost in that nuclear blast just to have Saren slip away from them once again. It was hard enough on them all without the past sneaking up to bite Shepard right where it hurt. Kaidan didn't want to dwell too long on what he had seen in the apathetic look upon Shepard's face or pleading silenced by a bullet. He knew it was cowardly to try and ignore it but, at that moment in time, he felt there was already too much to deal with. Adding Shepard's murderous tendencies on top of the looming apocalypse was just enough to tilt Kaidan a little too close to the edge he'd rather not be standing beside.

"...debrief you when you return to the Citadel, Commander," Kaidan walked into the darkened briefing room midway through Captain Anderson's sentence; he quickly walked to the side of the room beside Garrus, Tali, Liara and Wrex, and waited.

"Come to join the show?" Garrus asked in a low, rather bored tone.

"I would hardly call it a show," Tali said, folding her arms, "considering nothing has happened for the last half an hour."

Half an hour? Kaidan thought with a start. Why on earth didn't Pressly call me sooner? The thought sank like a stone in his gut. Oh please tell me I wasn't called here to be debriefed about the Onterom mission. Kaidan held the words to heart that Anderson had spoken when he entered. He hoped that there were more pressing matters to deal with.

"Care to bring me up to speed?" Kaidan asked casually in a half whisper as Shepard continued talking to Anderson.

"Commander Shepard has been relaying the details to the Captain of our most recent efforts to locate Saren," Liara said helpfully, leaning forward in order to look at Kaidan around Tali and Garrus, her wide eyes somewhat darker in the gloom.

"In other words, we've done jack shit," Wrex supplied helpfully while continuing to lean against the wall as best he could in his bulky, misshapen armour; he hadn't bothered to courteously keep his voice down and Kaidan saw Shepard out of the corner of his eye as the Commander raised his hand and rubbed forcefully at the back of his neck. The tension there was obvious. Kaidan looked to Wrex and waved his hand horizontally across his throat a few times, telling the Krogan to cut it out. Wrex let out an amused grunt and folded his arms but, thankfully, seemed to have had his fun and didn't irritate Shepard further.

"In all honestly, Lieutenant?" Garrus continued in a far quieter tone than Wrex, "The Krogan isn't far off. There's been a lot of talking but we haven't gotten any closer to finding a route to Saren."

"It is rather frustrating," Liara agreed diplomatically.

"I think I would use another word beginning with 'f' to describe it..." Garrus said wryly.

"No need to be rude," Tali said, but her tone belied her humour.

"What?" Garrus said with an innocence that was difficult to believe, "I was going to say facile."

At that moment the room went dark before the lighting slowly increased until everything was once more under the soft, clear glow of the overhead lights. Kaidan looked up to find Anderson gone and Shepard taking his usual seat. Without a word the others followed suit, and Kaidan stepped quietly across the round room to take his usual seat on Shepard's left. For some reason the empty seat to Shepard's right seemed all the more prominent. Kaidan tried his best to ignore it and focus on the situation at hand. He found he'd been doing that with a lot of problems lately.

"Liara, what do we have so far?" Shepard wasted no time in jumping right to the issue; the Asari took a few moments to blink and then swallow before composing her answer.

"Umm, so far we know that Saren has the Cipher and he appeared to be preparing an army of Krogan for an imminent invasion," Liara explained, "which infers that he probably knows where the Conduit is and will be headed there soon."

"And what leads do we have on the Conduit?" Shepard asked, sounding genuine and not simply stalling for time.

"...We don't really have anything Commander," Liara said quietly, "it truly could be anywhere. I have been over my findings a thousand times and I can't find anything conclusive. All I have points to a lost world of sorts, a high seat of Prothean power from millennia ago. There are vague hints to a secretive location but other than that...I haven't gotten very far."

Shepard nodded and took a deep breath, rubbing at his jaw. There was a brief silence in which no-one seemed to know what to say. Kaidan wished that things could have been nice and simple, like they used to be. He was used to sorting out problems, sure, but not ones which involved trying to solve a thousand year old puzzle which even an expert on Prothean technology couldn't wrap her head around. Then maybe you should make it simple, he thought, try being decisive instead of defeatist. What's the sense in tying yourself up in knots trying to understand the things you don't know? Start small, work your way up. Kaidan took a breath and tried to lay out his thoughts cleanly and methodically. He looked to Shepard and found the man rubbing at his jaw, his eyes focused on the floor.

"Are you alright Commander?" Kaidan asked, "You look a little pale."

"The Lieutenant is right," Liara said even as Shepard tried to wave off Kaidan's concern, "you should not shrug off any symptoms you may be feeling. It could be after effects of the Cipher interacting with the Prothean data from the Beacon."

"I'm fine, really, it's just a little fatigue," Shepard said, "although I'll admit that second Beacon really took it out of me."

"The one on Virmire?" Garrus spoke up.

"Why didn't you say anything?" Kaidan frowned, even though he knew _exactly_ why Shepard hadn't talked about the mission since it had happened.

"Wait," Liara cut in, "what are you talking about? What second Beacon?"

The simple solution Kaidan had been hoping for essentially fell into their laps. Since Virmire everything had disolved into a frustrating malaise, trapped under the inability to fight an enemy they were always one step behind, so much so that they hadn't noticed the solution was right in front of them. Liara had figured out the location of the Conduit with such ease that Kaidan almost felt as if he would surely wake up at any moment and realise it had all been a fabrication in his head.

It had been a domino effect of sorts which had caused the rift in communication. Liara had been slaving away in her impromptu laboratory under piles of Prothean data trying to find any scrap of evidence for the location of the Conduit, while Shepard did such a chillingly efficient job of moving on from Virmire that he was barely acknowledging it had even happened unless forced to, and Kaidan had felt himself pulled along in the illusion. The memory of the second Beacon had been overwritten by their subsequent encounter with the holographic Reaper and Ash's last words to him still ringing in his head.

Yet there it was, in bold thought as Liara's eyes once more turned from black to blue and Shepard sat down heavily in his chair looking a little dazed. Illos. An unknown planet in a system he had only heard tell of in passing, probably because it was in the Terminus Systems and was, subsequently, off limits. The Beacon's message had turned out to be an ancient warning hidden inside ancient technology; yet the Protheans' warning had come too little too late. The jumbled mess of images inside Shepard's head had been made sense of, somewhat, by Liara's knowledge, but there was still the problem of reaching their destination. The rest of the meeting passed in an excited blur of ideas, rushed plans and trying desperately to solve problems before they had even occurred. Kaidan did his best to keep up with the flow but most of it, he would freely admit, went over his head. The Terminus Systems were not something he knew enough about, he found out quickly, and the politics surrounding them was something he only knew the basics of. A large expanse of clusters that lay beyond the Attican Traverse, outwith Council or Alliance control. As far as he had learned,+ from his rather rushed politics module which came as standard for an Officer in the Alliance Navy, it was ruled over by a constantly shifting set of warlords who fought for dominance. The instability of the region made it a haven for criminal activity due to the ever changing structures of power. Batarian runners and slavers held such sway in the Terminus Systems that their language had become somewhat of a lingua franca due to the prevalence of their race throughout the crime circuit. It was essentially a powder keg of warring races who, despite their differences, would surely band together to fight what would be seen as a military invasion were they to go in with the Alliance fleet or the Council's backing.

"Alright," Shepard said once they had managed to hash their way through the facts, suppositions and projected what-if's that could come about, "Liara I need you working on getting us all the information on Illos that you can, I don't care how minor it seems, if it's obtainable, I want it. It also looks like we might come across a little resistance when we're in there so Garrus I'm putting you in charge of making sure the _Normandy_ is outfitted with enough firepower to blow through anything in our way and also any enhancements that could be made to the shielding or the hull. Tali I need you working on boosting the engine output, we need as much speed and manoeuvrability as possible if we're going to get to Illos in one piece. Wrex, I know you have contacts in the Batarian runners, I want you to see if you can at least garner us safe passage through the clusters they have any sway over, see if you can make it easier in any way for us to reach Illos. Alenko we're going to need to know that everyone is ready for this. I want a full weapons and armour detail done on the double, I don't want any member of my team under-equipped, you understand? I don't care what it costs, you have full access to our reserve funds, and I want all of our marines and the crew ready for a fight."

It was surprisingly pleasant to once more know what he was doing, to be entirely focused and energised and feel _ready_ instead of lost and floating in an endless waiting game as they had been before. Kaidan didn't waste a second in jumping to his orders. He quickly grabbed Barret and, with the requisitions officer, they set about the lengthy task of hauling out every piece of equipment they had and giving it a thorough inspection. Kaidan had the older or outdated models taken apart for spare parts and used them to repair or upgrade the newer models; he stripped the enhancements from every weapon and armour plate and set about maximising each individual crew member's fighting skills by matching their strengths and weaknesses. The requisitions officer was working overtime ordering new parts, weapons, armour, data chips, armoured weave, the works; he could tell that everyone was tired but Kaidan didn't let up. There wasn't any time and he would be damned if someone died on his watch if he could help it. He became, he would later admit, a little too focused and perhaps too over-clocked, maybe as a reaction to the seeming inefficiency and lethargy he had previously felt. He began running diagnostics of everyone's personal omni-tools in correlation with Tali, who helped by using her expert technical knowledge. Kaidan assigned the equipment detail to Barret temporarily as he set about trying to make the absolute best use of his time before they reached the Citadel and relayed their findings to the Council.

He had even managed to push away all knowledge and feelings about the rather awkward relationship he was currently in with his Commander when he pressed the comm. unit for entry to Shepard's quarters.

"Lieutenant, do you have something to report?" Shepard asked when Kaidan strode into his quarters, his eyes still scanning his own omni-tool.

"Everything's going to schedule, Commander," Kaidan said quickly, "I just need to see your arm."

"My arm?" Shepard asked warily.

"Your omni-tool I mean, sir, "Kaidan corrected hurriedly as he glanced up at Shepard, barely taking any notice of the man before he looked back down to the diagnostics program he was setting up on his own omni-tool, "I just want to check everything's set up efficiently, if there's anything I can do to make it run smoother, faster, anything that will help."

Shepard handed his arm over but not without comment.

"I think the best thing you could do to help right now Lieutenant," Shepard said, "is to relax."

"I would if there was time, sir," Kaidan replied distractedly as he synced their omni-tools and he began running the program, "but it doesn't feel like we have a lot of that left."

Perhaps the truth of it stopped Shepard from replying. Kaidan chanced another quick glance at his Commander, finding the man looking away to his left, eyes somewhat unfocused. Shepard seemed to be running out of the ability to offer his usual optimistic support, no matter how much Kaidan knew that it was normally only a coverall for something deeper. He looked strung out, drained, more so than he had even after Liara had delved into his mind mere hours earlier. The fact that he hadn't simply brushed off Kaidan's rather pessimistic attitude was also odd. I didn't come here to do this, Kaidan thought, but perhaps there's no avoiding it.

"I meant what I said earlier, Commander," he said as the program finished its short runtime and Kaidan looked over the results.

"Meaning what, Lieutenant?" Shepard asked as he lowered his arm.

"Meaning that you look a little...off, sir," Kaidan brokered the subject warily, "are you sure you're feeling alright? Your mind has undergone a fair amount of stress lately."

"And that's an understatement for the ages," Shepard said with a short, chuffed out breath that could have been mistaken for a laugh; Kaidan knew it was a sign that the man wanted the conversation to stop.

Kaidan continued to work in silence, only now it was a rather overly-aware silence in comparison to his former work-focused silence. Before he had been silent more from an inability to comprehend anything outside of what he was doing, not due to being rude or even a want to avoid the Shepard issue. Considering the mass of unwanted thoughts that formed the creeping mass of things he'd rather not think about, Kaidan was amazed that he managed to distil them down into one condensed sentence.

Why do you care so much about him?

In truth it was something that had been plaguing his thoughts ever since he had realised just how rash his feelings had become. He'd known the man a mere couple of months and yet he thought he could possibly...No, he thought, it's not that simple. Why should time matter? I can see what kind of man he is, what he's willing to sacrifice, what he already _has_ sacrificed for his crew, for me. What he understands and accepts in me that others find they can't or won't or I'm too wary to even let them try.

But in the end it didn't matter how well he rationalised it, because Kaidan knew that he was being irrational. He always had been when it came to forming attachments with people. He was able to forgive himself for the reckless affection he felt for Rahna, he had been young and their situation had been dire. He had needed someone to cling to, someone who would make the next day worth getting up for. He was a grown man now. He knew his limitations and his faults and, while he knew he was far from at peace with himself, he no longer needed an emotional crutch as he once had. Or so he liked to tell himself.

Considering the circumstances there hadn't been any time at all to dwell on his wayward feelings, and now didn't seem to be any different but...right now, as he stood by Shepard in relatively amicable silence, he couldn't help but let the question wander aimlessly around his already taxed mind. This really isn't the time to be thinking about your damn love life Alenko, he told himself sternly; or what little there is of it. Yet, now that he had thought about it, he couldn't escape it. He looked up at Shepard, noting the man's distant stare, and decided that formality just wasn't going to cut it.

"So are you going to tell me what's on your mind or do I have to drag it out of you?" Kaidan asked as he looked through the separate data packets and tried his best to enhance the already well structured programmes on Shepard's omni-tool.

"What happened to the 'sir'?" Shepard asked flippantly, dodging the question.

"I thought you told me to relax?" Kaidan replied just as facetiously, looking up at Shepard through his eyelashes.

"Ha," the small smile his Commander cracked as he looked away from him, clasping his hands and sitting down on the end of the well made bed, was worth Kaidan having to summon the energy to make a joke, "there's just no winning with you is there?"

"I get that a lot," Kaidan said as he walked to the bottom of the bed, punching up the sequence on his omni-tool that would allow him to transfer the changes he had made back to Shepard, "Commander could you..?"

He didn't see it coming because, as in all things, Shepard was a mystery to him. He felt that he had somehow seen everything the man had to offer, from calm introspection to kindness to sheer cold-heartedness. Yet he had come away with nothing, no understanding of how the man worked or why he did any of the things that he did. Or why he even gave the slightest interest in Kaidan at all, considering Shepard seemed, to all intents and purposes, to be an introvert in extroverts clothing. Which was why, when Shepard reached out his hand and caught hold of the front of Kaidan's shirt, hauling him down with enough force to make him stumble and lose his footing, it came as less of a shock and more a form of latent inevitablity.

The hand, which he had reached out to steady himself with, slid against the soft bed covers as he half fell, half positioned himself on the corner of the bed while Shepard did what Shepard did best and took him off guard. The kiss wasn't fervent, not needy as their first had been, and yet it was far from relaxed or even affectionate as their second had been. Kaidan found himself trying to pull back from it, partly because of the abrupt nature of their situation, but mainly because he could feel the stiff shoulders and the taught back of the man who was now holding onto him as if he had no idea what he wanted. His movements were stilled by a terse hand sliding around his back and another over his left bicep, fingers curling urgently. What do you want from me? Kaidan wanted to ask. Is it solace, is it acceptance? Is it the ghost of someone you've lost? Shepard's somewhat vague confession in the medbay after Kaidan had awoken from his drugged sleep niggled at the back of his memories. Could you really blame him if he was? he asked himself, Isn't that what you're doing too? He wanted to deny it but wasn't sure that it was entirely possible without lying to himself further. Shepard did not speak nor did he let go. Instead he tipped his head to the left and slid his tongue into Kaidan's unresisting mouth, pulling the Lieutenant closer. It didn't help Kaidan's case when he found himself kissing back.

The urgent beeping of an incoming comm. transmission was not enough to have him start in surprise, but enough to have Shepard pull back slowly from their embrace and let out a soft sigh. There was a moment, perhaps brief enough not to be labelled as such, but just long enough to be noticeable. Shepard stared straight at him, directly into Kaidan's eyes, and there was something there that the Lieutenant couldn't fathom. It was over in the bare few seconds and yet the look would stay with him over the next few eventful days. Kaidan snapped himself out of his reverie when his Commander sat back, and reached to his omni-tool to take the call.

"Right, I understand," Kaidan said once Barret had relayed his message, "I want that requisition sent ahead to the Citadel now. Hopefully everything will be ready to pick up once we dock," Kaidan purposefully stood up from the bed before turning to look at Shepard, "I had really better..."

"I understand Lieutenant," Shepard said as he turned back to his desk hub and continued typing what looked like a half finished message; Kaidan didn't look to see who it was for. He was too busy having emotional whiplash from Shepard's constantly shifting moods to concentrate on the little things.

No hesitation; there was not time for it, was there? He also couldn't stand the thought of waiting there like a fool for Shepard to acknowledge what he had done, or whatever the hell he was _trying_ to do. Kaidan left without another word, not because he didn't have anything to say but more because he had too many questions and insults tripping over themselves to get out of his mouth all at once. He headed back to the Cargo Bay to check on the progress of their re-outfitting. It was an adequate distraction.

" _Pull you in and push you away. You'll get used to it."_

Ash's words were not any easier to swallow now than they were when she first said them. In fact they may have stuck in his mind now more than ever, considering the circumstances. You're a fool Kaidan Alenko, he said to himself, but the words were hollow and the feelings he forced deep down under the conscious level were horribly familiar.

* * *

Life stretched on back towards the Citadel, the central hub of the galaxy still buzzing and humming with ships, coming and going, people up and down and all over the walkways and hallways, unaware of the _Normandy_ as she flew gracefully in to dock. Just as much as they were unaware of everything else, Kaidan thought; the extent of Saren's control, his intent, his seemingly _maniacal_ intent, the looming purpose of the creatures beyond the darkness of space which lay all around them.

Kaidan had drowned himself in his work. He needed it, both to stave off thoughts of their future and of Shepard. That the two things were connected never really occurred to him, nor would he have wished to dwell on it even if it had. The crew was on edge but that was only to be expected. Shepard was optimistic and strong when he sent out his ship-wide announcement, telling the crew of their discovery and buoying their spirits, telling them that it was nearly over, this mess would soon be cleared up and Saren brought to justice for his crimes. That they were now headed back to the Citadel to show the Council what happened when you didn't listen to Malcolm Shepard the first time round.

Kaidan didn't buy it. In fact he had come to the conclusion that whatever you saw or heard from Shepard should always be second guessed in regards to the man's true feelings. Not to say he thought the man was a fake, but more that Shepard was what people needed him to be. He represented the archetypal hero; he was strong, brave, fearless, magnanimous and wise. Only underneath it all he was really just a man who had been thrust into a confrontation that was too big for any of them. Also Shepard was more agitated than usual, Kaidan could see that, he was simmering beneath his professional visage, he was coiled tight like a spring ready to leap up, set off the trigger and put a bullet through the next thing that deigned to piss him off. Yet he felt as if he were the only one who could see it and still could do little to nothing to stem the flood when the dam broke.

The kiss, rather than being an anchor to which he could cling, was an irritation. The depth of feeling he had seen in Shepard's eyes when the man had stared at him did not match his actions. In a way it was disconcerting to think that Shepard was just as lost as he was. Kaidan needed strong leadership, he needed that stability, mainly because he didn't trust himself enough to work fully on his own initiative and partly because he needed to know that there was hope. The hot and cold treatment from his commanding officer had being playing havoc with his ability to function since Shepard had taken over command of the _Normandy_ , and Kaidan felt now that he'd been working under the strain just as much as Shepard had. Yet he 's always there, isn't he, to pull you back from the brink? he asked himself. Maybe you have to pull him back from the edge too, Kaidan thought, even though the very idea of someone as dependable and stalwart as Shepard breaking under the pressure seemed somewhat alien to him.

Time passed with a sickening quickness. Shepard headed off-ship alone to rendezvous with Anderson, leaving the conn under the command of XO Pressly. It seemed a far cry from their first visit, under less pressing circumstances and surprisingly less tension.

"I'll head to Spectre headquarters, to pick up requisitions," Kaidan had said as he watched Shepard fiddle with his pistol holster, his arm twisted up his back as he adjusted it slightly.

"No," Shepard had said, leaving no room for argument, "I'll do it myself after I'm done with the Council. This shouldn't take long."

It had felt oddly like a rebuffal, even though Kaidan was sure he was just over-thinking things. He'll be back soon, Kaidan reminded himself every time he felt his thoughts drift, then you'll all be on your way to whatever lies ahead. Perhaps then it won't even matter anymore. This was already too big for us in the first place. Saving the Galaxy from a threat that had previously wiped out an entire inter-system civilisation was something his brain couldn't entirely comprehend. Somewhere, in the back of his mind, Kaidan realised that he had come to a sort of reconciliation that he was more than likely going to die. It was a sad and yet realistic acceptance.

I would have liked...more time, he thought numbly as he fit the XF-3400 scope onto his sniper rifle. It was an oddly understated wish, considering. He wasn't sure what else he could ask for, anything more attainable. He felt the distinct and unsettling urge to talk to his father and mother. Kaidan swallowed and tried to tell himself that he was simply winding himself up. Nothing good would come of being defeated by his own attitude before the fight had even begun.

He tried to think back to his childhood but his memories were fuzzy and indistinct, and many of the more horrific ones had overridden anything which could be considered comforting. The same problem progressed into his teens and then became a mash up of trying to avoid people while trying desperately to be accepted by them at the same time. Does anyone else feel this hopelessness? he wondered. He didn't have the heart to ask.

He had made an awkward sort of peace with himself, somehow, right before Pressly informed the officers that Shepard would not be returning to the _Normandy_ until the Council had made its decision, which would probably be tomorrow. It had been another instant gear shift in his head, moving from one problem to another. Perhaps, considering the depressing bent of his thoughts, he jumped onto the next distraction that popped up. Yet the announcement, made with such surefootedness, was more than just a distraction when Kaidan thought about it. It sounded instantly wrong. Shepard wouldn't wait that long, was all Kaidan could think. As little as he truly knew the Commander, one thing he was sure of was the man's tenacity. Shepard wouldn't stand on ceremony at a time like this and he was surely beyond the point of the Council's slow paced, dubious distrust. There was no way in hell that he would consider wasting an entire day at the Citadel waiting for the Council to decide whether or not to trust him while Saren may be, at that very moment, making his way to the Conduit aboard the most terrifying threat the Galaxy had ever faced.

Which was why he did what he naturally would have done and opened a comm. link to Shepard over his omni-tool. Or that's what he would have done, were it to have worked. Kaidan frowned and checked his holographic display. The readings were optimal, yet there was no connection from the other end. Perhaps he's in a black spot? Kaidan thought. He tried again but rerouted his transmission through the Citadel's own comm-network. Nothing. Kaidan tried again even though he knew that it was useless and let the seed of doubt, which Pressly's announcement had planted, grow in his mind.

Something's up, he thought warily as he walked up the gangway to the front of the ship while the crew continued their routine maintenance of the systems. Something's up, something's up. He closed and opened his fingers reflexively as he entered the cockpit and looked down at Joker, lounging in his padded pilots chair.

"What's up?" Joker's voice was light in tone, but his eyes narrowed inquisitively when they fell on Kaidan, "Okay, now I'm worried."

"Meaning?" Kaidan asked vaguely.

"Meaning you've got that shifty look that I never see you wear," Joker said with a raised eyebrow, "makes me nervous, y'know?"

"Hardly Joker," Kaidan said, even if the pilot's words made him feel as if he _were_ now up to something, "I just want to check something out."

"Okay," Joker shrugged, "I guess I have time to kill what with us sitting in the dock on the proverbial log. Shoot."

"I just need to know where the Commander is, I can't get a hold of him and I think he might be having trouble with the Council," Kaidan said casually, even if he didn't feel it, "thought he might be able to use some back up."

"Piece of cake," Joker said with a shrug as he began fiddling with the holo-display before him, "you know I heard the announcement too, sounded a bit like bullcrap to me, I mean a _day_? That's too much, you'd think that those...wait."

He tended to zone out somewhat when Joker went on a rambling rant, but the pilot's sudden stop caught Kaidan's attention. He looked to Joker's readouts and frowned.

"What's wrong?" Kaidan asked, leaning against the back fo Joker's chair, "Where is he?"

"I'm not sure," Joker said with slow frustration, "there's...dammit! What the hell? I'm being _blocked_. I can track him through the docking station checkpoint, then a cab to the Ambassadorial district and then wham! Nothing. Not even a record of him entering the Council chambers."

"That's damn peculiar," Kaidan said softly before shaking his head and trying to get himself into gear, "could it be a malfunction?"

"Not on our end," Joker managed to sound slightly offended, as if somehow he were attacking the _Normandy_ , "and, believe me Lieutenant, I know when I'm being blocked. See this?" Joker pointed to a stream of numbers and symbols in the upper right corner of his display which Kaidan neither recognised nor understood, "This is no malfunction."

"I'll take your word for it," Kaidan said, noting the hard tone his voice had taken, "but why? Why the hell would they want to block us out? Do you think...I mean do you think they're trying to keep us here?"

Joker sat back with a relaxed flop but with an unrelaxed frown fully in place, scrubbing at his unshaven jaw with his thumb and forefinger. He looked up to Kaidan out the corner of his eyes and gave him a significant look before leaning back towards his control panel and quickly delving into, what looked like, the _Normandy's_ docking subroutines. The sigh Kaidan let loose was less exasperated and more trepidatious. Was this really happening? Could the Council really be _so_ blind to their position in this stale war that they were wililng to put their best horse back in the stable? Sure Kaidan remembered the strict statement of his Asari teacher, when they had learned about the Terminus Systems, that any insurgence into that higly volatile group of systems would be construed as war upon them. The more he thought about it the more it made sense that the Council wouldn't only be unwilling to send in the fleet to back them up, they would surely be unwilling to send in _any_ ship which bore the markings of the Alliance Navy. Which included the _Normandy_.

Or it could be...no, Kadain thought, they wouldn't have detained him because of Onterom? No, they haven't even talked to me yet, there would have to be an investigation before any official action. The reminder of his most recent glimpse into Shepard's psyche wasn't appreciated. Kaidan stopped thinking about it as quickly as he could.

"Shi-it," Joker's prolonged curse was said under his breath and through gritted teeth as he continued to move through the holo-interface so quickly Kaidan could hardly keep up, "this is fucking _unbelievable_! I followed the block, to try and find the source, and I found something worse. They've got us locked down! They've clamped my fucking ship! I can't get the _Normandy_ to communicate with the docking clamps, it's coming up as restricted. As in _very_ restricted. Lieutenant, someone is extremely interested in keeping us here indefinitely. They've even overwritten the safety uncoupling procedure that I wrote myself, in case of an emergency just like this. This is...this is nuts!"

He may not have fully remembered the story from the book his father had read to him as a child, but he was pretty sure there had been a chapter where the hero rescued someone from a high tower. How fitting, he thought sardonically, also I just hope I'm right about this or Shepard really will have a reason to throw me off the ship. And I thought I was done being rash, Kaidan thought with a self-deprecating smile. I've changed my mind, maybe I'd rather be wrong about this.

"Alright now I'm even more worried," Joker's said, curbing his outrage, "you look like you're plotting to throw someone out an airlock and ask me to cover it up."

"Close enough," Kaidan shrugged, smirking at Joker's raised eyebrows, "Look, I'm not ordering you to do anything here, it's just that something's...not right. I'm guessing that you have access to the Citadel systems through docking procedures, am I right?"

"Ye-ah," joker prolonged the word cautiously as he waited for Kaidan to elaborate.

"Then that's something to work with," he said as if to himself.

"Uh, mind cluing me in here?" Joker said pithily, waving his hand at the lieutenant as he leaned forwards and conspiratorially lowered his voice, "Because it sounds like you're asking me to hack into the _Citadel_."

"You catch on fast," Kaidan said, adding as he leaned in to examine Joker's control panel, "I think Shepard's in trouble. I need to find out exactly where he is and how I can get him out. I need your help."

"Are you kidding me?" Joker said, the beginnings of a grin working their way onto his face when Kaidan told him he most certainly wasn't kidding, "You only need to ask once! You hardly need to convince me Lieutenant. That stuck up group of morons think they can commandeer this ship? Fuck that, no one overwrites _my_ programs and touches my _Normandy_. Hacking the Citadel, a daring rescue? Say no more. Count me in."

Joker's wild card attitude was exactly what he needed. The last thing he wanted, when he was coming up with a plan that could potentially have him court-martialled and thrown in jail faster than you could say 'what were you thinking?', was someone who would question his initiative. Although his behaviour was only being shown up as against type, or as far as anyone that knew him here was concerned anyway. Good old down-to-earth, responsible, dependable, Kaidan Alenko planning a jail break on the Citadel. Which was why he had said nothing to Pressly, even if the XO was someone he was sure would put the safety of his CO over most everything else. It was only as he and Joker managed, through an easily missable but open subroutine built into the docking procedure and a few lazy protection programs, to fiddle their way secretly into the Citadel data logs, that he realised how incredibly reckless he was being. He hadn't been this irresponsible since he was eighteen and hanging around with drug dealers in the lower East District docks in Vancouver. Looks like the bad habits are coming back into play, he thought facetiously. But then, as far as he was concerned, Shepard was already a bad habit of his.

The logs came back just as he'd feared. Shepard had entered the Council tower at 0730, then was scanned as exiting at 0749. Only the next log, which he would have expected to be a cab back to the _Normandy_ at dock 23, was instead a log of him entering Ambassador Udina's office and not having left. In fact, when he checked the status of the room he found it in lockdown.

"Get the door open Joker," Kaidan said as he quickly headed for the doorway, "I need to get to Udina's office."

"Might be a little tricky," Joker said, watching the screen before him with set concentration, "they'll see you coming."

"I don't plan on it," Kaidan said, making Joker frown, "just trust me Joker; find me Anderson and I'll do the rest."

His mind had been working in overdrive, but it was a small leap for him to be so carefree with the rules. After everything that had happened, after Saren, and the beacon, and the Reaper, and Ash, everything trivial and bureaucratic was easy to push to the wayside. His military training was screeching in his mind as he made his way off of the _Normandy_ and keyed the quick program into his omni-tool, but his youthful carefree nature only found it all bullshit. As far as he was concerned Shepard was the only one on top of the situation and, without him, they might as well just roll over for the threat of the coming invasion like the blinded Council seemed to be pushing them towards.

The fact that you're a little bit in love with him doesn't hurt though, does it? his conscience needled. No, he thought as the door opened and the readout on his omni-tool stated that he had been logged as Dock technician Caird Whitaker, no it doesn't. Tali had been more than excited when he had rushed down to the engine room to find her. If there's anyone who knows about subterfuge and electronics, he had counted on the Quarian having the know-how. Thankfully he was right, and she had also been more than happy to make sure that Shepard stayed safe; she seemed to idolise the man, just a little, especially after he had saved her life. Kaidan knew what that felt like.

" _This should get you through the door data logs, it'll log you in as Technician Whitaker so they won't even know you've left,"_ she had said hurriedly, " _but the security checkpoints might be a little trickier. I guess you'll just have to hope it works_."

It hadn't been reassuring but Kaidan felt he didn't have the luxury of choice. They didn't have the time for the Council to delay them. Saren wasn't only a looming threat anymore, he was a lackey working for the real threat. The real threat who, at any moment, could reach its goal and wipe out any future they had hoped to enjoy.

The security scan, it turned out, _was_ a little more complicated. Kaidan braced himself and walked through, holding his breath. When the red light flashed and every Turian eye in the small corridor turned to him, he felt like sighing. Shit, he thought as the blue-armoured C-Sec officer, who had been standing at the exit, strode towards him with his gun held tightly.

"It seems there's something wrong with your Alliance profile," the Turian said, eyeing him critically, "would you mind stepping over here pl...?"

"Not again! Honestly, has this thing ever worked properly?" Kaidan turned in surprise at the familiar voice behind him to find Garrus sauntering towards them from the elevator.

"Garrus?" the C-Sec officer who had accosted him sounded just as surprised as Kaidan felt, although there was a happy tint to his tone, "where have you been hiding? I haven't seen you in weeks!"

"Didn't anyone tell you Rathis?" Garrus said with a chuff of breath, stopping beside them both as he leaned over and casually began typing into his colleague's omni-tool, "I was headhunted. Always told you I would get off this place and do something more appropriate to my talents, didn't I?"

"Damn, really?" Rathis sounded a little put-out, "I thought it'd been a little quiet lately, nobody ever tells me anything around here. I'd say I was happy for you but really I'm just jealous."

"Ha!" Garrus let out a barking laugh and Kaidan just kept quiet, hoping that the Turian had everything under control, "blunt as a Krogan's head as always, Rathis. Anyway, this technician's profile had been bugging out for weeks. I gave the job number over to Tibreus but we both know how lazy that bastard is. Probably hasn't sorted it yet."

"Yeah, tell me about it," Rathis said with derisive humour, turning to Kaidan with a nod, "sorry Technician Whitaker. We'll make sure this problem is sorted as soon as possible. You can go through."

Unsure if he succeeded, Kaidan tried his best to convey his thanks to Garrus with a significant look. The Turian just smiled, or as much as he had always taken as a smile from Garrus, and nodded in return before continuing his conversation with his friend. He wondered how the Turian found out about his impromptu and rushed plan, but then the Turian and Tali seemed to get along quite well. It made sense that she had told Garrus of his stupid idea. Kaidan shook his head and was thankful for the bullet he had dodged. He lifted his hand and placed it against his ear, opening the secure channel using the _Normandy's_ own closed network instead of the Citadel's frequency.

"Do you read me Joker?" he muttered.

"Quiet and clear," Joker said back with dry wit, "and I think I have found you a way into the Ambassador's office without going through the front door."

"I'm listening," Kaidan said as he walked swiftly to the nearest fast transport station and called for a cab.

"It looks like there are service tunnels connecting almost every room and sub quarter on the Citadel. It's really pretty crazy when you look at it as a whole, but anyway, if you get to the ambassadorial quarter there's an access panel behind the help desk, it'll lead you right up to the computer terminals at the far side of Udina's office."

"How the heck did you..?" Kaidan said in amazement, "Joker did you pull up blueprints of the Citadel?"

"You don't want to know, Lieutenant," Joker said, "but you're not the only one with skills and a criminal mind."

"Right," Kaidan said, shaking his head but unable to hold back the smile, "any luck locating Anderson?"

"He isn't answering any calls from the open channels," Joker said, "but it could be being blocked. I've sent him a message on the _Normandy's_ frequency, hopefully he'll pick it up. If he does then he'll meet you there. Hopefully."

Soaring through the transport tunnels gave Kaidan time to think, something that he didn't appreciate. The last thing I want to do is analyse this, he thought. Haven't done anything this spontaneous and unplanned since you stood up to Vyrrnus, have you? he thought with desperate humour. Yeah, I guess so. Let's just hope that Shepard appreciates this more than Rahna did.

Everything was far too pleasant when he stepped from the cab. The Presidium gleamed like a summer's day. No one seemed perturbed or aware of the subtle brand of bureaucratic kidnapping that had taken place right below their noses. Kaidan looked around him, keeping an eye out for Anderson. The man didn't seem to be there, either that or he was keeping a low profile. I'll just have to do this on my own, he thought, hoping that his need for self-reliance wasn't going to get him caught. He hadn't counted on Tali and Garrus puling him out of the fire, so to speak, and yet they had. Still not entirely used to relying on others, huh?

"Hello, welcome to the Presidium," the smooth talking Asari behind the help desk smiled falsely as he approached, "can I help you?"

He was sure she would have continued, if, at that moment, Kaidan hadn't subtly used his biotics to cause the Avina VI behind him to rupture spectacularly in a spray of sparks and garbled speech. There were a few screams, lots of muttering, running feet and, thankfully, the Asari at the help desk sprang up in surprise and hurried over to the gathering crowd, telling people to calm down and that everything would be fine. Well, Kaidan thought with a snort as he ducked down behind her desk and quickly uncoupled the access panel from the wall, that was sickeningly easy. The panel led to a hole, into which he crawled, which turned into a vent of sorts, big enough for him to crawl through, airy and filled with the sound of hushing gears and the soft rumble of working machinery. The sounds of worried voices and the fizzing of the broken VI faded out into the background murmur of the walls around him and Kaidan wondered how much time he had before the open access panel was found.

He came to a ladder and climbed, going up before taking the left turn at the first junction he came to. It's now or never, he thought as he came face to face with another identical access panel. This one only uncoupled from the outside it seemed. Thankfully Kaidan didn't need a key. He focused his energy, lifting his hand and letting out a controlled burst of kinetic energy which caved in the metal entirely and sent it careening into the room beyond. Kaidan hurried forwards, feeling carpet beneath his hands as he pushed up to his feet and looked up. The gun he found pointed in his direction only spurred his instincts, having him dodge to the left before letting out another burst of controlled energy towards the holder's hand. As he had feared before when he had planned to knock the gun from Toombs' hand, Kaidan heard a loud yell of pain and knew that he hadn't controlled his blast quite as well as he had wanted to.

Udina fell to the ground in pain, holding his hand and shouting obscenities. Kaidan watched as Captain Anderson ran to the man and picked up the pistol which he had dropped. Shepard, who Kaidan looked to his right to see sitting on one of the ergonomic chairs by a dark computer monitor, spoke up with a raised eyebrow.

"Well, so much for plan A," he said, his surprise evident, "what in the mother of hell are you doing here Lieutenant?"

Kaidan didn't really have an answer further than 'I had a gut feeling and so decided to storm the Citadel looking for you'. Better think of something other than that, Kaidan thought, considering that makes me sound like a complete meathead.

He decided on a nice and neutral "Not really the time Commander," refusing to rise to Shepard's bait, "I'm sure I can give you a better explanation when we're all back on the _Normandy_ and out of dock. What the hell's going on here sir?"

"Duly noted," Anderson said as he hauled a now unconscious Udina back into his chair; I missed _that_ , Kaidan thought as he looked at the lolling Ambassador, "but the _Normandy_ is under lockdown. The Council disagreed with our solution to their Reaper problem and now they've taken drastic measures that could end in far greater a disaster than I dare to imagine. You need to get to that Conduit Shepard, but in order to do that someone needs to stay here and undo that lockdown order."

"Anderson we're not leaving you here to..." Shepard started angrily as he stood up and took a few steps forwards.

"I'm not asking you to leave," Anderson said, "I'm ordering you to. If what you told the Council in there is true, and I have no reason to doubt you Shepard, then this situation is far bigger than my court martial. The _Normandy_ is the only ship that can pull this off without starting a war, and you are her Captain."

For a moment Kaidan thought that Shepard was going to argue again. It was to his relief that, instead, the Commander pulled himself to attention before giving a brief but sharp salute.

"Won't let you down, sir," Shepard said, slipping back to a casual pose only when Anderson returned his salute. Then he turned to Alenko with an unreadable look plastered over his face, "So, what's the next step in the daring rescue?"

The next step had been to get caught. The step after that had been to punch two Citadel secuity members in the face and stomach respectively, escape to a nearby fast trasport station and hijack a taxi. Kaidan found himself showing his less than savoury talents when he hot-wired the taxi with almost no hesitation, as if the last time he'd done it was only yesterday and not over ten years ago. Muscle memory is a wonderful thing, he thought as they sped off. The interested frown Shepard gave him during the flight was both amusing and disconcerting.

Ending up trapped behind the small, shattered console at the C-Sec checkpoint had seemed a cruel taunt of fate. I can see the fucking elevator door, Kaidan had thought as he craned his neck to the left and edged out slowly. It was another good turn of fate, which may have heard his bad mouthing, that said door had opened to reveal just the person he would have asked for in a situation like that. Wrex didn't waste any time ruining his element of surprise and charged, with full battle roar, straight towards the huddle of C-Sec officers who scattered from behind their cover like pins before a bowling ball.

They ran, trying to ignore the heart-stoppingly close and sporadic fire of the C-Sec officers while Wrex turned tail as fast as he had run towards them and they disapeared into the elevator. They had all stood there, panting. It had only taken three or four breaths before Kaidan looked down to find a long, black scorch mark across his chestplate from a far too close for comfort energy round.

He had looked back up to Shepard and found the man grinning. The contagious reaction spread. Kaidan found himself laughing until he could hardly breathe.

As soon as they ran on board, overriding the decontamination procedure, Shepard had ordered Joker to punch it. The docking clamps had been released, meaning Anderson had come through on his end of the bargain. The Commander had said nothing when Kaidan murmured that he hoped they wouldn't do anything drastic to the Captain until they returned with evidence of Saren's plans.

The reassurance that his statement should have brought did not convince even himself. He had watched Shepard walk down the gangway and noticed the slight slump to his posture. Kaidan had felt as if he were not the only beaten man aboard the _Normandy_.

* * *

He watched Shepard kneel down before his locker, staring at the white metal inches from his face. It was a struggle both to approach the man and to resist rushing forwards. Two waves of interference that cancelled out into a strict line that he wasn't sure he could truly cross. The man before him seemed blank, slightly dazed and yet resolute. The more he watched the scarcer any real connection between them seemed to be possible. How can you think of that at a time like this? Kaidan asked himself. He had no answer. The only reason for his change of heart, in the end, was the jolt of panic when Shepard simply turned to his side and slumped back against the lockers with a thump, his head hanging low and his limp hands resting on his bent knees.

"Commander, are you alright?" he could hear the worry and yet wasn't sure whether it was appreciated; Shepard didn't look up at him, although he did raise his head to look blankly forwards. Say something encouraging, something, _anything_ , Kaidan thought, "I'm sure this isn't as bad as it seems. There must be a way we can appeal, get more support. We're under Alliance control after all, not the Council. We aren't flying alone out here, there has to be a way to send for back up."

"Official channels are closed," Shepard's tone was hard and tinged with repressed anger; Kaidan watched as his CO tensed his fingers against his uniform, bunching the material before relaxing and letting out a slow breath, "they were quite clear about that. We are very much alone out here Lieutenant."

"Closed," he was amazed at how quickly he was able to accept the spike of anger that one word elicited in him, but he couldn't help but feel the military man in him rebel against the idea of the Alliance turning their back on them at such a critical moment. Out here in the middle of nothing, no requisitions, no back up... "and we're supposed to accept that? So where do you think the best view will be when the Reapers roll through?" Kaidan heard Shepard sigh but couldn't help continuing his bitter words, "If we have to sit it out we may as well get a good seat."

"We're out of the game for now," Shepard said, the defeated element gone from his voice and replaced by his more assured and noble tone; Kaidan found that just as infuriating as the Alliance's decision. Just talk to me Shepard, he wanted to shout, tell me what you're really fucking thinking! "I need you to be here while I figure things out."

It was almost like a sick joke, as far as Kaidan could comprehend it. The universe is ending and you can't help but mess with my head further, can you Shepard? The earlier kiss flitted through his mind, like a slap, short and sharp. He remembered the soft feeling of lips contrasting the brazen and desperate hand clinging to his arm. I need to speak to my father, Kaidan though desperately. I need to tell him I'm sorry, that I'm sorry for everything but I...I...

"Lieutenant?" Shepard asked, a hint of concern in his eyes, slightly narrowed.

"I'm here Commander," Kaidan said; barely, he thought, "and so is the crew. We're all behind you sir, no matter what happens."

"Oh come on Kaidan," the sudden change in tone made Kaidan flinch; Shepard relaxed back against the lockers and rubbed a tired hand over his face before returning his gaze to him, "I can get a salute from anyone on this ship. Sometimes even I need someone to just...I don't know. Just..."

"Look I..." what do you say when you're both standing on the precipice? Kaidan asked himself. He felt as if one of them would have to go over before the end, "I'm here for you, you know that," Kaidan took a moment to look paranoidly around him; the deck was uncharacteristically empty, "but we're in a rough spot here. This isn't exactly the time for looking at the smaller picture, if you get my meaning, and the last thing I want to do is muddy things. Like it's all that clear to start with."

The last sentence was said half under his breath, but he knew Shepard had heard him by the way the man's hands tensed once more. The hum of the ship became more pronounced in the midst of their silence. Kaidan watched Shepard's hands relax and realised that he'd been watching them far too intently. He felt eyes on him and looked up to meet Shepard's gaze. There was a degree of humility there that Kaidan was sure he wasn't comfortable with.

"Can't just pull out a good, old fashioned 'it'll be alright'," Shepard said, "can you."

"It's that easy, huh?" Kaidan let out a small laugh and felt as if he were losing his mind, "If it were I'm sure I'd have tried it long ago. I'm not here to tell you fairy tales, Commander."

"Then how about giving me some piece of mind?" Shepard asked. Stop sounding so damn reasonable, Kaidan thought acidly, you're making me feel melodramatic.

"Fine, if it makes any difference," Kaidan couldn't keep the tightness from his tone, "it'll be alright Shepard. You'll figure it out. Somehow."

"There," Shepard said with a small, fake smile as his eyes stayed sharp, "that wasn't so hard, was it?"

I think that is a far more complicated question than it should be, Kaidan thought as he simply nodded and looked at the floor. Too much time and not enough time, he thought, what do we do while we speed towards the end of things? He leaned forwards slightly and held out his hand. When Shepard took it the warmth there, the heat and the tightness of his grip, was somewhat intoxicating. Kaidan couldn't keep up with his own mood swings. When he pulled up he put a little too much force into it, an unconscious reaction to his nervous state. Shepard reacted quickly to the overbalance but was still left with enough momentum to stumble forwards into Kaidan, who caught him on instinct. When their eyes met there was a mixed understanding between them.

The kiss was tight and urgent and Kaidan pulled back so suddenly that he felt a sting of guilt at the look of confusion and hurt which flashed across Shepard's face before the reaction was swallowed up by his usual mask.

"Sorry to interrupt, Commander," the loud voice of Joker announced over the shipwide comm; good timing Joker, Kaidan thought both with relief and facetious humour, "but I've got a message from Captain Anderson for you, sir."

"So much for the official channels," Shepard said as if to himself as he began walking towards the elevator without a backwards glance, "I'll take it in the comm. room Joker, patch it through."

Perhaps this is what falling feels like, Kaidan thought as he watched Shepard round the corner and disappear. You think too much Kaidan Alenko, he told himself, and you need to stop it, just for one moment. There might not be much time left. Not much time. But maybe...just enough.


	9. Road Ahead Closed

"Well we're just going to have to...to cannibalise some of the parts from the Mako," Kaidan said as he and Tali stood together with Chief Engineer Adams in the long, mainly empty storage bay, staring down at the holo-blueprints of the _Normandy_.

He wouldn't say it hadn't been hellish getting Shepard back from the grip of the Council and escaping by the skin of their teeth in order to jump half way across the galaxy to a world he'd barely even heard of never mind been to, but, being the ever practical man that he was, losing their requisitioned parts and weapons stung just as badly. Kaidan had a plan, or he'd _had_ a plan, and having it had made things stable. Considering how unstable their situation was it had been calming to know that at the very least he could make sure his crew mates were fully prepared to leap into the unknown and face whatever awaited them on Ilos.

Now, without his brand new HMWA assault rifles, the Elkoss Combine sniper rifle, fully modded, the heavy skin weaves and shock absorbers for upgrading the marines' tactical armour, the increased medi-gel slots for their omni-tools, things seemed somewhat bleak because he was worried this fight was going to be a bad one; he'd even ordered himself an enhancement program for his amp because he'd been worried by the amount of migraines he'd been experiencing lately. So, instead of implementing the rest of his full scale reorganisation plan, in the comparatively short length of time they had before they reached Ilos they were arguing over where to steal the parts from what little they had left. Of course, Kaidan thought sarcastically, _more_ stress, that's just what we need. Of course.

"I have to admit that taking apart the Mako is the last thing I want to do," Adams sounded defeated but stalwart as always, "but it seems that's the only legitimate place we can get the trans-titanium alloys we need. We're just going to have to hope that she's not needed."

"Or we could always take apart some of the lower level, sub-system terminals," Tali suggested as she uncrossed her arms and pointed to the holo-blueprints, zooming in on the Med-Bay, "Liara's terminal is not a tactical necessity. We could dismantle anything arbitrary and use any circuitry or parts we need, then rebuild it after all of this is over."

"I'd considered that," Kaidan leaned back on his heels and rubbed at his face, feeling the tired muscles in his neck complaining at the movement in his shoulders, "but hauling out vital parts from the extraneous terminals could end up creating a break in the sub-systems of the individual sectors. The last thing we need is a system failure, Tali. I can't stress enough how much we could not handle the loss of the medical facilities all because we needed a neutral m-processor to run the looping circuits in Garrus' outboard shielding."

"But Lieutenant," Tali sighed, sounding suddenly as if she were talking to a stubborn child, "of course we would not need to leave the _Normandy_ open to such a failure. Any access terminals we use for parts can be circumvented in the _Normandy's_ main computer banks as a 'dead space'. It is a simple programming technique for when you are repairing, yes Chief?"

"She's got a point," Adams was frowning but Kaidan could see the flicker of understanding in the Engineer's eyes, "yes. Yes, I see, that's great Tali! Almost so simple I overlooked it myself," he turned to Kaidan, his gestures animated, "if we shut down a terminal for repair then request it to be 'spaced' while we use the parts, then the computer core will automatically set up a re-route. Normally I'd think you were right Lieutenant, considering the _Normandy_ doesn't run like any other ship I've ever flown, but this will work, I'm sure of it."

He gave in, not because he was tired and overworked, but because he was sure that, combined, Tali and Adams knew a heck of a lot more about the _Normandy_ and engineering in general than he ever would. Kaidan was just relieved when he realised that his motivations had not yet reached a purely selfish level, reassuring him that he was still able to stay at his post without compromising himself. Not to say that he wasn't tired; in fact 'tired' was an understatement. He felt as if he were running on fumes. After all that had happened since he last slept, Kaidan didn't think that assessment was far from the truth.

Perhaps, he thought, it was difficult to let up when you were serving under someone as indomitable as Mal Shepard. As soon as the Commander was done talking to Captain Anderson, the contents of said conversation being revealed solely as a ship-wide comm telling everyone of the Council's high alert status in case of attack from Saren, Shepard ordered Joker to head to the nearest Mass Relay and jump them to the vast, nebulous expanse which swathed the long lost Mu relay.

" _I may not have the will of the Council at my back_ , _but in the end I'd rather have this crew at my back any day_ ," Shepard had said, his words cliche but his tone sincere, " _We're going to stop Saren and any threat he's trying to bring to this galaxy. I won't say this will not be dangerous, I won't say that this will be easy, but this is the finest vessel I have ever had the honour of commanding. I have the utmost respect for every one of you, every crewman who has dedicated themselves to the_ Normandy _and her mission. I promise you that dedication has not gone unnoticed. We_ _know where Saren is, we know his plans and I'll be damned if we're going to let him destroy everything that we hold dear for the sake of his deluded idolisation of a galactic threat! Prepare yourselves for the unknown people, we're headed into the Pangaea Expanse and we're not coming back until our mission is done._ "

From the way the crew was acting it seemed that the energy Shepard had put into his speech had leached out into every one of them. Everyone he spoke to was awake, alert, putting one hundred percent into their work. In a way he felt a little out of the loop, considering his fogged mind, as if he were a dozy drone amid a hive of active bees.

He continued onwards because, firstly, he refused to allow his limitations to hold him back and, secondly and most annoyingly, he didn't want to let Shepard down. He didn't want to let anyone down, especially considering what was at stake. So he worked. He worked with Barret and the last of the marine detail making sure their equipment and weaponry was as ship-shape as it could be and that ship's security was at maximum efficiency. He worked with Tali and Adams in order to oversee one of the three separate terminal deconstructions and, after catching an incredibly quick meal in the mess which he barely tasted, he rushed up to the cock-pit in order to keep an eye on the piloting sub-systems while Joker focused all of his attention on figuring out how to jump through the Mu relay without being noticed on the other end. Plus the added bonus of navigating the nebula which the lost relay sat amidst, the hot gases and radiation causing havoc with their sensors.

Time was running dangerously thin, so much so that Kaidan could almost feel it slipping by him as he watched the numbers and scrolling data blurring before his eyes as he blinked himself back into reality. So close and yet still so very far away from...from what? Safety, resolution, destruction? Kaidan wasn't sure he had any handle on what they should expect when they jumped that relay. His mind was so focused on the here and now, so exhausted, that he couldn't comprehend it. So when he was called by Shepard and ordered him to the Commander's quarters, while they were still five hours or so out from the Mu relay, he didn't have the wherewithal to comprehend anything further than what was in front of his own two feet.

He didn't even notice how long the elevator ride was.

The room was dark when he walked in. In fact that realisation seemed to snap Kaidan out of the haze he'd been walking around in. It forced him to focus on his surroundings. The gloom wasn't complete, merely dominating, punctuated only by the harsh glow of the Commander's comm. console and network set-up; Shepard sat there beside his console, haloed by the off white aura, and turned to look up at Kaidan over his shoulder. Kaidan heard the door hush closed behind him and stepped further into the room on instinct. Shepard stood, his face betraying nothing. Why am I here? Kaidan wondered, for many different reasons.

"Commander?" he ended up saying, for lack of anything better.

"Don't you think we're a little past titles?" Shepard said, his tone ambiguous.

In truth Kaidan wasn't sure where he and Shepard stood at all, in relation to each other. He didn't think he'd ever truly known and, right at that moment, it seemed like the notion with the least priority. His brain seemed to have become rather simplistic in its wants and needs; work, prioritise, eat, hydrate, purge all unnecessary baggage. Yet, standing in the now oddly familiar and yet unfamiliar setting of Shepard's sparse quarters, he felt as if things had changed.

What if...what if it were just these four walls, this ceiling, this floor? He thought as he blinked. What if it was just you and me, Shepard, what then? Would this even have happened at all? Damn, he thought as he shook his head slightly, I'm not thinking straight.

"We're past a lot of things Shepard," he said for a need to fill the silence Shepard didn't seem willing to break, "I mean what happens if this doesn't work out? What we've done, I know it's the right thing to do but...we've stolen the Alliance's prototype warship, we've mutinied. Hell they could call us kidnappers if they wanted to get technical about it which, considering all that's happened, I think they have every right to."

The room seemed to dim and then brighten again, and when he looked up Shepard was still watching him, silently. What do you want me to say? He felt like asking. Need another 'it'll be alright Commander'? Because right now I don't think I could fake it.

"What I mean is we're in a tight spot," Kaidan sighed, "damned if we do, damned if we don't, but the only thing that's driving us forwards is that we're definitely _far more_ damned if we don't."

I am just talking out of my ass here, aren't I? Kaidan thought as he finally stopped talking and just watched Shepard. Somehow, standing here before his Commander, he felt as if the tiredness had left him at least if only a little; he had caught his second wind, so to speak, and was only now realising that he'd been rambling.

"And what exactly does any of that have to do with you calling me 'Commander'?" Shepard smiled disarmingly, making Kaidan frown despite himself.

"Well, I'm pretty sure it has everything to do with it, actually sir," Kaidan said, his tone not severe but blunt, making Shepard's smile waver, "look, I don't mean to be discourteous Commander but I've followed your orders to the best of my ability ever since you took over command of the _Normandy_. I won't say I haven't bent the rules from time to time but I think we work well together, we all do. This is the best crew I've ever served with, the most professional and welcoming and...and so this," Kaidan pointed back and forth between both himself and Shepard, "I hate to say it but this hasn't helped. Not knowing what this is doesn't help me. So I don't mean to be blunt but, dammit," he hesitated, looking away as he muttered to himself, "I have no idea what I'm trying to say."

He hated that he'd been put into this position, hated that he couldn't reconcile his own failings and Shepard's taciturn behaviour. The other man simply stood there and watched him, face half cast in shadow.

"What I mean to say is," Kaidan continued, his voice losing its slightly manic edge now that he'd had the chance to slow down, "if things don't go well, if we don't come out of this...I want you to know it's been an honour serving under you, sir. I mean that."

"Somehow I feel like you've turned that compliment into an insult," Shepard frowned and looked to his left, a small smile playing on his lips, "I just can't figure out how."

"I was being sincere, Commander," Kaidan said, unable to keep the irritation from his tone, "and I don't appreciate your insinuation that I'm being disingenuous."

"You're using a lot of big words right now, Lieutenant," Shepard shrugged before letting his arms fall naturally to his sides, where he had previously held them crossed across his chest; he continued in a sarcastic tone, "why don't you say what you really think?"

"I'm sorry, did you bring me here just to use me as a passive aggressive punching-bag?" Kaidan finally snapped, "Because I can tell you right now that, on top of everything else, I'm far too tired to deal with this shit."

He regretted the words as soon as they had left his mouth, half because the military man in him was screaming at his lack of respect, and the other half because he was being so damn honest that it was becoming dangerously like a confession. He turned away and wasn't sure where to look. He walked to the small round table in the middle of the room and leant against it. He didn't look up as Shepard approached, feeling partly angry and partly foolish.

"I'm sorry, sir," he said with a tight sigh, "that was out of line."

"Actually, the plan was to bring you here so I could apologise to you," Shepard said far too calmly, his hands sitting loosely on his hips as he stood in front of Kaidan but didn't look him in the eye, "I guess I'm just a little preoccupied. Being stressed doesn't make me the most agreeable person at the best of times and I'm sorry for that."

"You brought me up here in the middle of our final run to apologise for being uptight?" Kaidan shook his head, letting his anger win out momentarily.

"No," Shepard seemed to clam up a little in the face of Kaidan's own frustration, his face becoming stony, "I wanted to apologise if I made you...uncomfortable. Earlier, I mean. It wasn't my intention to force myself on you, Lieutenant."

"Now who's overusing titles," Kaidan said back without thinking.

Not long after they had first met, Kaidan remembered how easy it had been to interact with his Commander. Of course the man had made him feel awkward, that had been an obstacle, but Kaidan had little to no reference for the man's emotions and reactions. Now, watching his Commander stand in front of him, surveying him with blue eyes that seemed almost black in the darkness, he felt he could read the man a little too well. The gaze was piercing and obvious in its intent.

"Am I to take that as an acceptance of my apology?" Shepard asked after a short pause filled only by the gentle hum of the ship around them.

"I..." Kaidan hesitated because he knew what it could mean, what it could do if he said what he had been about to say. He had been through a lot in the past few months, they all had, but his feelings for Shepard had been a bit like a rookie test flight; up and down and dangerously close to crashing. The only thing that had kept him from calling it off completely was that he was sure, deep down, that he was in love with the man. It was a blunt line of reasoning and definitely not a simple one, but if he was to be honest with himself it was the truth. Shepard's dismissively taciturn nature and Kaidan's own worries aside, it was something he could recognise because he had felt it before. Even though this felt a far more mature reaction than he'd had with Rahna, the core of his feelings were the same. Shepard, in all his enigmatic, cryptic, heroic, cold, kind, sarcastic, wickedly humorous glory, was someone he thought he could imagine spending the rest of his life alongside and never regretting it. Which could be why, in the end, he completed his sentence without regret, "...I don't accept it at all. Because I don't think that you ever had anything to apologise for in the first place."

"Is that right?" Shepard asked, his gaze not wavering for a second.

"Yeah," Kaidan let out the breath that had been building in his chest, "unless you want to count confusing the hell out of me on several occasions and screwing with my head, but for the actual, uh, _actions_? No, you don't need to apologise to me."

There seemed no need to move away when Shepard took two, slow steps towards him, even if the short distance caused them to be immeasurably closer, so much so that he thought he could now make out the small green flecks in Shepard's irises despite the gloom. The tension became noticeable and Kaidan swallowed. What am I doing here? he thought again, even though the answer to his question was clear.

"So if I were to kiss you right now, Lieutenant," a thrill ran through Kaidan's body as Shepard reached out and took hold of him by the shoulders, "you wouldn't run away this time?"

"Hey, I didn't run..!" Kaidan started to object but it was useless, both because he knew that whatever he was about to say would have been a lie and because Shepard took that opportunity to make good on his request.

It seemed different somehow but Kaidan couldn't put his finger on it. Why am I not resisting, Kaidan thought, why am I not pulling away? What did he think had changed in the man since the three or four hours before when he had purposefully spurned Shepard's advances? Maybe it isn't Shepard that's changed, he thought as he brought his hands up to grip firmly at Shepard's waist while his Commander leaned in and kissed him fervently, maybe it wasn't him that had to. He had spent so much of his time worrying that his Commander was simply using him that he hadn't looked too closely at his own feelings. The ones that scared him, the ones that had always left him feeling slightly hollow in their wake. What if the end of everything is waiting out there for us? Kaidan thought as Shepard tilted his head to the right and slid his tongue into Kaidan's mouth, bringing one hand up the back of Kaidan's neck while the other slid down his back to the small of his spine. What if this is the last thing either of us have the chance to do before there's no more time? The thought was baffling, so much so that he couldn't truly comprehend it. He had accepted his death but in a way that only a human could; in an arbitrary sequence of thoughts which relied upon a certain sequence of events. Comprehending death, on the other hand, was something he was not capable of.

Kaidan let out an unflattering moan as Shepard's hand slid the further few inches it needed to in order to grope his behind and pull their bodies closer, chest flush against chest, no air between them other than what breath they stole from each other. They broke apart with a rather soft sound of lips leaving lips, considering the intensity of their kiss. Kaidan looked at Shepard, lips parted and eyes intent, and didn't think that his own philosophising or moralising really mattered anymore.

"It's crazy," he said, closing his eyes, his breath hitching as Shepard pushed him against the table with a swift movement and leaned in to kiss at his neck, "this is crazy."

"Good," he heard Shepard say, close to his ear, all hot breath and determined hands, "I like crazy. Crazy doesn't need any explanation."

"Or maybe it just needs a simple one," Kaidan said as he once more opened his eyes, feeling as if he was talking more to himself than the man who was currently leaning back in order to watch him with a lust dark gaze. What am I supposed to say? "You know what? You're right, maybe it doesn't need an explanation but I guess I have one anyway. I...I care about you Shepard. All the times we've some close to death and yet we just keep going. I think about losing you and I can't stand it. Sometimes I feel like I don't know who you are and others times I feel as if I've known you for years. I still can't figure you out but..."

"Maybe I like it that way," Shepard's playful words once more did not match the sincerity of his tone; Kaidan opened his mouth to reply, a frown in place on his forehead, but Shepard beat him to it, "if you expect me to lay myself open for you I'm afraid you're only going to be disappointed."

"I think I can live with that," Kaidan surprised himself with his acceptance; Shepard simply watched him, his right hand trailing slowly up and down across Kaidan's back, "maybe it doesn't make sense but I trust you, maybe more than I should."

"I feel like I'm being insulted again," Shepard said wryly as he leaned in to place a chaste but forceful kiss on Kaidan's lips.

"Sorry Shepard," Kaidan let out a short, throaty laugh as the man leaned back once more but did not let go, "I guess I'm not so good with this sort of thing either. Maybe I'm trying too hard, maybe this will all be nothing but rubble by tomorrow but...but I just wanted you to know I don't regret any of this. I've spent my whole life feeling like an outcast, like I didn't belong anywhere except Jump Zero with the other freaks but you...Shepard you make me feel _human_."

"I can make you feel much more than that," Shepard said as he stepped away, taking Kaidan by the hand and leading him towards the bed; Shepard's flippancy grated against his already raw nerves but Kaidan wasn't sure how to take it. Was that more than just lust in Shepard's eyes? The man had always been so careful with him yet Kaidan wasn't sure if he was only seeing what he wanted to see.

"I don't think there's really time for..." Kaidan started hesitantly.

"Bunk with me tonight," Shepard said, once more pulling him closer, the foot of the bed bumping against Kaidan's calves.

"This is...this is too important to risk messing up the team," Kaidan tried to argue even as Shepard slipped both hands beneath his tight shirt, fingers firm against his sides, warm flesh against flesh; Kaidan sucked in a breath at the contact, so fast that it caught in his throat, "Mal, this _really_ isn't the time."

"Shut up and take your clothes off," Shepard said in such a no nonsense tone that it took Kaidan a little off guard, until he noticed the man's mischievous smirk.

"Careful, Shepard," Kaidan said back, feeling the adrenaline pumping through his system as Shepard slid his hands up, revealing Kaidan's pale skin as the material bunched up against his torso, "I might think you're abusing your authority. Not that it would be much more than you _usually_ do."

"Here I see the return of your inappropriate sense of humour," Shepard said with a hint of laughter in his eyes.

"Like I told you," Kaidan shivered, feeling a little embarrassed as Shepard took that moment to simply grip the hem of his top and lift it up, forcing Kaidan to lift his arms as Shepard pulled it off completely, "it comes out at the worst moments."

After that it was a steady and yet rather clumsy procession of removing clothes. After dropping his shirt to the floor Shepard wasted little time in moving on to Kaidan's trousers while Kaidan fumbled with Shepard's own top. Soon he had his trousers around his ankles, feeling a blush rising to his cheeks even as Shepard leaned in and kissed him, cupping his face with surprisingly gentle hands. In the process of removing his shoes Kaidan tripped onto the bed, unable to stop himself from laughing softly as Shepard lifted Kaidan's legs and pulled off his shoes and socks for him, followed by his bunched up trousers. His laughter was replaced by slow, shallow breathing, however, as he lay on his back, propped up on his elbows, and watched as Shepard undid the front of his trousers, hooked his thumbs into the waist band and pulled everything down as he bent over. Kaidan swallowed as his Commander stood back up, stepping out of the pooled material on the floor and toeing off his shoes and socks, his naked body cast in the odd half glow from the computer terminal to his right. His sculpted frame was a contrast of smooth perfection and jagged scars, some old, some new. Kaidan reached up to touch surprisingly hot, smooth skin of Shepard's chest as his Commander leaned down and crawled onto the bed, perched above him.

"Need some help there?" Shepard asked with a hint of diversionary humour as he lifted his hand to tug at Kaidan's underwear.

"Not funny, Shepard," Kaidan replied as the man bent his head down to nuzzle at Kaidan's neck; he didn't say anything, perhaps because he was too busy being caught between the suddenness of the situation and the full weight of Ilos weighing on his mind, slowly shifting towards them, becoming the uncertain future that Kaidan couldn't comprehend even if he had wanted to. Which he didn't. Instead he shimmied awkwardly out of his underwear and kicked it down his legs, glad that his embarrassment was hidden as he slid his hands round to tentatively take hold of Shepard's hips.

"No, not funny would be if I said something like..." Shepard would have continued, he was sure, if Kaidan hadn't reached up and placed his fingers over the other man's mouth, making Shepard smile against his fingertips; a smile that reached his eyes.

"I'm sure whatever it was," Kaidan said, "I don't want to hear it."

"Well now you'll never know," Shepard replied, his eyes oddly serious.

* * *

Maybe it was unfair. Maybe it was natural to hesitate. Maybe it truly didn't matter in the end. Kaidan only had until it was actually happening to deliberate telling Shepard that he had never had sex before. His hesitation cost him his chance.

At thirty two years of age perhaps it was an odd thought for most humans to consider him a virgin. Not being a normal human Kaidan had taken it as more of a consequence of circumstances rather than a choice.

He'd spent his formative years, until he was seventeen, on Jump Zero falling futilely in love with someone he had placed on a pedestal while his childhood was stripped from him by an angry, war-torn general. Yes he'd had advances from others, considering it was basically a tin can in space full of horny teenagers, he was amazed himself sometimes how much he hadn't been interested in the other girls. As an adult it made more sense; his love for Rahna had been a partly conditioned response to his peers and, thinking back on it, he could never have conceived of a sexual relationship with her. She was kind to him, they basically grew up together and everyone loved her; they were soul mates of a sort. Or that's what he had thought, anyway.

After returning to earth, more a shell of a human being than anything resembling the bright eyed, ten year old Kaidan Alenko that had been whisked off to the edge of the then known galaxy seven years prior, he never found anyone he cared enough for to initiate a relationship. Even high off his face on Red Sand or drunk off his ass on whiskey and vodka, he'd never fallen into anyone's bed or arms. He'd fooled around with a few girls, never moving past fumbling around in the dark, but it had never led to anything. He'd realised quite early, on his return home to Canada and a return to the real world, that he preferred men over women. Not that there hadn't been other boys at Jump Zero but the bizarrely isolated life they had led there and his idolisation of something he thought he should want had left him oddly closeted. Strangely enough his own realisation had also become another bone of contention between himself and his father. When his old man found out it only pushed them further apart. On top of the drug use, the alcohol abuse, the shitty attitude and the defects that came with the L2 implant, finding out his son was gay seemed to be too much to handle. For six months straight Russell Alenko did not talk to his only son. At the end of that period Kaidan left home and joined the Systems Alliance Navy and had rarely seen his parents since, except by comm. link and a very brief but disastrous trip home four years ago. It had been a sort of culture shock for Kaidan, at the time. Homosexual bigotry was something only your grandparents still talked about, not anything that was a threat anymore. Only after a long time in the company of his peers did he realise that his father was an exception to the rule. Only after a long time since he had left home did he realise that his father had also, finally, understood that fact.

Still, being in the Alliance hadn't afforded him anymore company than he'd had on Jump Zero, or on Earth. As a rare human biotic Kaidan found that there was a whole new set of prejudices just waiting to fall on him. No one cared that he liked men; they cared that he could wrench the rifle out of a soldier's hand from thirty paces before crushing the weapon into a twisted chunk of metal scrap, or throw someone full across the room and into a wall without so much as touching them. Kaidan had learned quickly to keep himself to himself and, even though there were people who were kind and open-minded enough to talk to him he still never lost his ability to be overtly suspicious of people. It would be a long time until Kaidan was able to trust someone enough not to hurt him.

Bizarrely enough he'd found it in the one man who shouldn't have fit the bill at all. The one who drove him crazy, someone he wasn't even really sure he _could_ trust but did anyway. Malcolm Shepard was the sort of enigma Kaidan remembered being himself before he joined the _Normandy_. Friendly, polite, funny but ultimately standoffish. There was never really any connection between Shepard and the others on the crew beyond the mask that the man wore. It was a strictly professional relationship as far as Kaidan could tell. Even though he had laughs with Joker and Garrus, was kind to Liara, told dirty jokes with Wrex, there was still a distance there that Shepard seemed to maintain like a shield. Kaidan had been worried when he realised Shepard had been using it on him too. He couldn't be sure but, even now with the man wrapped around him as they made love, he thought Shepard might be using it still. Kaidan had been a little stunned when he came to the conclusion that he wanted nothing more than to rip that wall down, rather than running from another difficultly, another challenge. It would have been normal to do so before, before Captain Anderson and the _Normandy_ crew's almost blind acceptance of him, he would have never accepted the challenge at all. Now he wanted...everything. He wanted all of Shepard, all of the good as well as the bad. As far as he was concerned he had already seen Shepard at his lowest, at his kindest, at his most noble, at his most vulnerable. Perhaps Shepard didn't know it but Kaidan was sure he had seen far more of the man than his Commander had ever wanted him to.

" _If you expect me to lay myself open for you I'm afraid you're only going to be disappointed."_

Kaidan would be the judge of that.

* * *

"...and if you don't wake up now we're all going to go and save the universe without you."

Kaidan drifted back into consciousness with a smile on his face that he couldn't control. The world blurred back into view and reality struck him like a punch to the gut. Shepard's murmured words, close to his ear, had been contentious enough to remind him that they were probably far too close to Ilos for comfort. The smile was more a reaction to the situation than any sign of real happiness. Saren was close but he had been so before and had always slipped through their fingers at the last second. Kaidan hoped, as he turned his head to the right and Shepard leaned back to look at him, that this time would be the end of it. One way or another.

"Ah, I see that got you attention," Shepard smiled in return.

"You know you could have just shaken me," Kaidan said blearily, looking down to note that Shepard was already dressed and that he, in contrast, was still naked, barely covered by the thin duvet. He self-consciously reached down and pulled the covers up over his bared abdomen and splayed left leg.

"Tried that already," Shepard shrugged as he sat up, "but it turns out you're more difficult to wake than a drunk Krogan when you're passed out. Also I think it's a little late to be modest, Lieutenant."

"Yeah, well..." Kaidan followed Shepard's motion and sat up, regretting it as soon as the pain in his backside flared up his spine; he clamped down on the hiss he had wanted to let loose but Shepard still gave him an inscrutable look. Yeah, maybe it wasn't the best of ideas to hide the fact that you'd never been with someone before, Kaidan thought as he tried his best to ignore the pain, hindsight is twenty-twenty. He breathed in and avoided Shepard's eyes, carrying on as if nothing had happened, "you shouldn't have let me sleep this long."

"You needed it," Shepard said offhandedly, "you were exhausted when you first walked in here. The last thing I need is for you to be off your game."

"I'm fine, Shepard," Kaidan stressed; he took another breath and tried to calm himself down. The last thing I want to be right now is a hypocrite, "really."

"I'm not questioning your veracity, Lieutenant," Shepard said, his eyes glinting in the darkness, reaching forwards to tuck a stray strand of hair back from Kaidan's forehead. There was a short pause before Shepard cleared his throat and brought his hand back to the bed; suddenly the mask came back down, "we're thirty minutes out from Ilos. I need you up, showered and down to the cargo hold for debriefing in fifteen."

"Right," Kaidan said, swallowing down his nerves and steeling himself; fuck, he thought, that's...that's really damn soon, "I mean aye, aye sir."

Another moment's silence, yet this one was laced more with Shepard's trademarked awkwardness than any impending doom. Kaidan fidgeted on the bed before he looked up to find Shepard staring at him with amusement. Almost enough to cover the anxiety he could see there, hiding beneath his Commander's smirk, but not quite.

"Umm, so yeah, I'll just..." Kaidan started, ignoring Shepard's small, almost imperceptible laugh, "don't they need you on the bridge Commander?"

"Probably," Shepard shrugged contentiously, "but I was thinking I might just sit here and watch you walk to the shower instead."

"Of course you did," Kaidan sighed, not sharing in Shepard's joke even as he forced down his embarrassment and shimmied towards the edge of the bed, the uncomfortable ache still burning down his back and buttocks; he contemplated taking the duvet with him but decided against it.

Despite his anxiety there was something oddly comfortable in walking across the floor of Commander Shepard's quarters, buck naked, to his en-suite bathroom. Kaidan wasn't sure how to take the Commander's mood swings, one moment intense, the next flippant, but considering everything that had happened he was sure he knew the root of it. Just another wall he was going to have to bring down. Just another mask to be removed.

Kaidan was sure he would enjoy every minute of it, if they lived long enough to do so.

* * *

It was nothing special, not awe inspiring or even sinister. The Mu relay looked just like any other, an enormous, hulking metal structure floating in the blackness. A lost artefact of a civilisation whose memories resided inside his head like a flashing red alert sign over an escape door. Only there was no escape door. Instead there was only the relay, the antithesis of escape; a device to project them towards the universes end, or not. Time will tell, Kaidan thought tersely as he maintained speed and approach vectors while Joker kept the _Normandy_ in tactical stealth mode, ready for whatever waited on the other end. He tried to imagine what Ilos would look like but couldn't even bring himself to think about it, as if he were bringing it closer with just that thought. They were in, synched up and faster than light before they knew it.

Now you see us, Kaidan thought, now you don't. Space seemed to warp out of existence and then, just as suddenly, back before his eyes. It was always only the smallest fraction of a second, as they traveled, but Kaidan thought he could experience the brief blink-of-an-eye effect of leaving and regaining reality. One moment there was blackness, the next the _Normandy_ was sailing smoothly towards a seemingly innocuous red plant, caught in the grip of nightfall. Unfortunately it wasn't the only addition to the view.

"Uhh, Commander?" Joker called out; Kaidan could hear Shepard striding up to the pilot's chair, see him take hold of the back as he looked intently at Joker's readout, "We've got company."

"Steady as she goes, Joker," Shepard said encouragingly, "have their sensors picked us up yet?"

"Can they do that while we're like this?" he heard Liara ask from behind his own chair. She sounded worried, anxious. Kaidan couldn't blame her. The sight of the three, sleek Geth cruisers that sat between them and Ilos wasn't exactly what he'd been hoping for either.

"Well, the stealth systems are engaged, so as long as they don't get a visual on us then they won't even know we're here" Joker said, trying to sound as if he had enough faith in his ship to test his hypothesis, "In theory anyway."

He didn't want to look away from his console but Kaidan found himself looking to his left, looking to Shepard. Was it something, anything, that he found Shepard looking back at him? Reassurance perhaps? Kaidan returned his gaze to his console and kept an eye on their trajectory. We're going to get through this, he kept telling himself, we're going to get through this.

"Commander, I'm picking up some strange readings from the planet's surface," Pressly said suddenly.

"Then we have our man," Shepard's voice was steely, "Alenko, lock on to those co-ordinates. Joker, keep wary of those cruisers and take us down."

"Negative on that Commander," Pressly objected, "the nearest landing zone is two klicks away from those co-ordinates."

"We'll never make it in time on foot," Kaidan interjected as he brought up a scan of their objective and the surrounding area, "and there's substantial mountainous terrain between the landing zone and our co-ordinates, the Mako would never make it over. You're going to have to find us something closer!"

"There is nowhere closer!" Pressly shouted back, his voice belying his anxiety, "I've looked. If you can see anything yourself Lieutenant, I would appreciate the suggestion!"

"Then we drop in the Mako, right on top of them," Shepard said, as if it were that simple.

Kaidan couldn't help but look up this time, staring at Shepard as if he had two heads. His Commander didn't return his stare this time, merely fixed his gaze ahead as the Geth cruisers loomed below them and they sped towards the planet, as of yet thankfully undetected.

"Shepard, that's not exactly the kind of suggestion I was hoping for," Kaidan said tightly.

"You need at least a hundred metres of open terrain to pull off a drop like that," Pressly argued, gesturing with a closed fist, "the most I can find near Saren is twenty."

"Twenty metres!?" Kaidan said incredulously, "Are you crazy? We'll never get in close enough for a drop. That's suicide!"

"But we have to try," Liara said, her anxiousness seeming to have morphed to determination; Kaidan didn't think she was helping, despite her blind optimism.

"Dammit Pressly find us another landing zone!" Kaidan shouted as he tried futilely to scan his own readout for something else.

"I'm telling you there is nothing else!" Pressly replied in kind.

"But even if we _could_ fly in to make the drop, the descent angle is too steep," Tali piped up, standing beside Pressly and staring at his console, "an approach vector like that leaves very little margin for error for a successful landing. There is perhaps only a fourteen percent chance of pulling it off."

"Those are pretty low odds, Shepard," Garrus chipped in, sounding sceptical, "I wouldn't place a bet on that, if you get my meaning."

"There is no other option," Liara urged, "we can't let him get inside the Conduit, you don't understand what will happen if he does!"

"I'm telling you it's not an option, it's a _suicide_ run," Kaidan said, his jaw tight, "We don't..."

"I can do it."

Perhaps it was the fact that the man had been silent up until then, so very focused on piloting the _Normandy_ and keeping them undetected, that Kaidan stopped short on being interrupted. All eyes were on Joker as the man stared determinedly forwards, his face set, his lips a thin line.

"Joker?" Shepard asked, and yet it sounded more like a warning.

"I can do it," Joker reiterated, even more resolute than before.

"You know I think you might be the only person who can, Jeff," Shepard was careful enough, despite the roaring anxiety and stress all around him, to clap Joker on the shoulder without hurting him; Kaidan didn't miss Joker's grim smile, "alright, this is happening people. Liara, Alenko, Tali, I need you down to the Mako five minutes ago, get suited up and get her prepped."

Kaidan transferred control of the ship back to Joker and stood, stiffly. He shook his head but obeyed nonetheless.

"I swear, Jeff, if you smear us all over that planet I'm coming back to haunt you," he said as he passed Joker's chair.

"Relax, Lieutenant," Joker drawled, "I take that as an insult to my skills."

"Wrex, Garrus, I need you both on-board in case anything goes wrong," Shepard continued his delegations, Wrex hanging at the back of the cockpit as he adjusted his armour and reloaded his shotgun while Garrus nodded sharply, "if the Geth spot you while we're down there we might get boarding parties. You have the marine detail until we return."

"Sure thing Shepard," Wrex rumbled, letting out a disturbing chuckle, "I kind of hope they do. Won't be nothing to do up here otherwise, while you're down there having all the fun."

"Of course," Garrus said with a soft laugh, "all the fun avoiding the end of civilisation as we know it. I'm sure we'll be missing out on all the laughs."

"Right," Shepard said sarcastically, standing back from Joker's chair and looking to the XO, "Pressly you have the conn. Keep her safe," Pressly may have been wound tighter than a trigger spring but the man seemed confident in the face of Shepard's determinism, "And Joker?"

Kaidan turned at the door to the cockpit to wait for Liara and Tali to follow, watching as Shepard grinned forbiddingly at his pilot.

"Drop us right on top of that bastard."

* * *

"This is crazy," Kaidan found himself saying for the second time that day, strapping himself into the pilot's chair in the Mako with one hand while he brought the vehicle online with the other, "I swear Shepard, this might just be the goddamn stupidest thing you've ever made me do."

"Well you already know how I feel about crazy," Shepard said as he double checked everyone's seat belts were secure; Kaidan sighed roughly and tried not to think about that. The last thing he needed was to be distracted at a time like this, "anyway, Joker's the best pilot I've ever met. I wasn't kidding when I said he's the only one I trust to pull this off."

"Fourteen percent Shepard," Tali said, sounding awfully like she was trying not to say 'I told you so' before they'd even tried it, "you can't argue with those odds."

"Hey, you're sitting here with me aren't you?" Shepard grinned at the Quarian and reached up to hold onto the ceiling grips as Kaidan manoeuvred the Mako into alignment with the hatchway in short, practiced lurches, "can't argue with that either."

"Ha, well, I guess you're right about that," Tali sounded optimistically distressed, "maybe I'll up it to sixteen percent, makes me feel a little better at least."

"This will work," he heard Liara saying softly to herself as she checked over her pistol again and again; huh, Kaidan thought, then I'm not the only one who believes that mindless repetition of reassurances will make everything better, "It has to work. Goddess help us if it doesn't."

He saw Shepard enter the front of the Mako out of the corner of his eye, sparing a quick glance to his right as his Commander began strapping himself into the passenger seat. Kaidan took a last moment to triple check the readouts, the fuel gauge, the thrusters capacity, his projected trajectory compared to his _likely_ trajectory, which made him hold his breath for a few seconds too long before letting it out again. Fuck, fuck, fuck, the thought, this is crazy. We're all going to fucking die before we've even had a chance to stop Saren at this point! He clenched his hands a few times and shook them, letting out a harsh sigh as he found them shaking when he stopped.

"Hey, Alenko, you need to relax," Shepard said authoritatively, "I need you focused for this, understand me?"

"That might be the..." Kaidan stopped, swallowed down the acerbic comment he'd been about to spout and opted instead for, "yes, sir."

"Good," Shepard said, "because Joker isn't the only one I know who can pull this off. Right, Lieutenant?"

Confidence in oneself was one thing, confidence instilled by another was something else. There was always a sense of obligation, Kaidan thought, of belief that came with someone telling you that you could do it. Shepard believed in him and he believed in Shepard. Hopefully that'll be enough, Kaidan thought as he sent a communication to the _Normandy_ and secured the Mako to the cargo bay floor, ready to launch. The clamps sent a shiver through the vehicle as they sprung into place.

"Yes, sir," Kaidan said dutifully, nodding as he returned Shepard's stare.

"Music to my ears, Alenko," Shepard smiled grimly, "now let's go get this son of a bitch."

Kaidan took another deep breath as Joker's voice sounded over the dashboard comm., " _thirty seconds out_ ", held it as he felt the increased g-forces made his stomach flip as the _Normandy_ entered the atmosphere, breathed out and kept his hands hovering over the controls as he watched the docking bay doors screech open to reveal the ground, blushed in orange and brown, rushing towards them at an incredible speed. Then the jerky lurch and the sudden weightlessness as the floor mounted launcher thrust them out into the air and the clamps detached and they were falling. Kaidan punched the under-side thrusters and tried his best to keep the Mako at forty five degrees, feeling the structure of the car shake and rattle wildly as the g-forces and the slightly thicker atmosphere of Ilos sought to tear it apart. The on-board alarms were wailing, red lights flashing as a calm, computerised voice, which was nearly drowned out completely by the anarchy of noise all around him, kindly informed him to bring the vehicle back within landing procedure parameters.

"Slow down, fucking _slow down_!" Kaidan ground out, punching in the auxiliary thrusters as their velocity continued to decrease; it wasn't enough, Kaidan thought wildly as he banked left, aiming for the tiny spit of land where, only now, a door and a small set of what looked like Geth were coming into view. Too fast, Kaidan panicked, we're going too fast!

At the last minute he reduced the aft thrusters by twenty percent and leveled them out before deploying the rear thrusters to give them a kick forwards. Everything seemed to go silent before they met the ground. The structure before them was nothing but a blur as it whirred past in a mash of grey and brown. The impact was akin to being hit with a wall, racing up through his body and sending him flying upwards into his seat belt, then heavily back down against his seat. His mind raced as he tried to focus on what was in front of him as they skidded wildly. Kaidan felt his heart leap into his throat as he realised the door he had spied from above was now closing in front of them. He turned wildly to the left, throwing the Mako up on two wheels where it perched precariously for two seconds before falling back to the ground with a bouncy thud.

Nothing but the ringing in his ears, slowly replaced by the sounds of panted breath and one shout of short lived hysterical laughter from what sounded like Liara.

"Told you that you could do it!" Shepard sounded as if he really believed his own propaganda as he reached out and grabbed Kaidan by the shoulder, giving his Lieutenant a firm shake that Kaidan's traumatised body did not appreciate; yet he couldn't help but nod in return, "Good work Alenko."

"Don't praise me too soon," Kaidan said, shaking his head as he ran a quick diagnostics check on the Mako, glancing up at the closed stone structure before them while he calmed his racing heartbeat, "we still need to get through that door."

"After that drop, I'm thinking everything else is going to seem simple by comparison," Shepard said as he unbuckled himself and made to stand, adding before he did, "Alenko I want you to make sure there's nothing wrong with my Mako, something tells me we're going to need her. Tali, Liara, you're with me. Let's finish this."

* * *

AN: Just to say that I've rearranged and added in a few things to Shepard's quarters, mainly to fit the events of the story. Until the storyline incorporates the new _Normandy_ made by Cerberus, where Shepard gets his own private quarters with a bathroom, I think it would be a bit awkward to have Kaidan walking out to the communal showers sans clothes. Although very funny.


	10. Final Destination Approaching

"...too late...unable to..." the static was loud and overriding; he didn't want to hear it but the words, the words were... "invading fleets...no escape..."

The words, fifty thousand years dormant, were not what he had wanted to hear. The ruins weren't disconcerting because they were ancient, nor because of the alien design to their architecture. Even the multitudinous swathes of Geth did not truly make him feel uneasy. It was the silence, the heavy silence that covered everything here, blanketing the long corridors and the large, empty rooms, the rampant foliage and floating, delicate spores which had taken over most of the facility, the half working technology which barely worked enough to let them progress. It reminded Kaidan of things he'd rather not dwell on, it reminded him of Onterom. The dead facility, filled with half written notes, letters, words left in eternity, cut short by a savage extermination. Had the same thing happened here? Had the Protheans even seen the Reapers coming until they were at their doors?

The voice they found in the ancient recording did not sit well. Their words only reinforced his fears.

"Well that's just great," Shepard's voice was harsh, despite the frivolity of his words, as they all continued to listen to the garbled message, "I can make out some of the words but it's mainly broken up, doesn't tell us anything."

"You can understand that?" Tali said as she kept her eyes and her rifle trained on the doorway they had just passed through.

"You can't?" Kaidan asked in surprise; ok, admittedly it would be more than a coincidence if a recording found deep in an ancient Prothean ruin had turned out to be in _English_ , Kaidan thought.

"Of course not," Liara said as she stepped towards the swirling hologram, her eyes alight with both worry and wonder, "it's in Prothean. By the Goddess this recording must have been made millennia ago. It is unbelievable that even these few words remain," Kaidan felt a little taken aback when he found himself her next object of scrutiny, "it is amazing! You and the Commander's ability to understand this, it must be the Cipher, there's no other explanation! It must have given you both the ability to comprehend the Prothean language, an internal translator if you will."

"That's all well and good Liara," Shepard said, as if the thought of being able to comprehend Prothean wasn't that big a deal, "but if the message isn't worth understanding then that doesn't mean much right now. Do you think it's broken? Can you look at it?"

"I am flattered by your faith in my abilities, Commander," Liara said, looking a little regretful, "but I'm afraid I am no Prothean engineer. If I had a schematic for the machine I might be able to translate some things for you but, further than that, I cannot make it work."

So far their daring chase had been full of such setbacks. If they weren't being slowed down fighting the Geth at every corner then they were finding barriers in ancient door panels that wouldn't open or had been destroyed, bridges that would not extend and now an ancient message that was of no use other than to worry him with its content.

"...act of desperation..." the recording continued, now in a different voice, the tone manic and fraught; Kaidan could tell Shepard was still listening, even as he talked to Tali, from the way his eyes hardened, "...the Conduit...all is lost..."

"If we can't fix it is there any way to turn it off?" Kaidan asked, trying for Shepard's light-heartedness but unable to truly pull it off, "It's not exactly helping my calm."

"Don't freak out on me, Alenko," Shepard said with a tight smile as pointed his index finger at the ceiling and moved it in a circle, ordering a regroup, "if there's nothing it can tell us then we're done here. We can't waste anymore time."

Back to the Mako, back to the driver's seat, back to the vast, empty hallways and their ellusive target. Kaidan couldn't help but look around him as he drove through the gloom, fast as he would allow himself considering he didn't know the route. The low hallway opened out after a few minutes, becoming a vast, echoing ravine displaying a large and complex network of machinery on the walls, glowing slightly but mainly dark.

"What are those things on the walls?" he asked, not sure if he could expect an answer.

"Some sort of containers, maybe?" Shepard offered, his sharp eyes surveying their surroundings.

"I think they might be stasis pods," Tali spoke up from behind him, her voice betraying her wonder, "There are heat vents and recycling tubes linked up to them, for waste you see? Maybe...maybe the Protheans thought they could preserve themselves through cryogenic freezing. Only..."

Kaidan didn't have to hear her say it. He knew just by looking that, if she was right, these pods had stopped operating long ago.

"...something must have gone wrong," Tali said softly, "these pods are no longer functioning."

"Then this must have been some sort of last resort," Shepard said, "a way to hide from the invasion and hope to wait it out. At least their sacrifice wasn't for nothing," Kaidan took a second to glance at his Commander as Shepard stared out into the dim light, "now we know that hiding isn't an option."

"And here I thought we could just build ourselves a bunker, get some beers in and sit this all out," Kaidan said with a shrug.

"You know Alenko, that sense of humour really does have a fascinating way of coming out at the wrong moments," Shepard said with a shake of his head.

"Look!" Liara's voice pulled his eyes back to the hallway before him, "There's a light up ahead."

The light did not turn out to be what he had hoped for. A huge, shimmering barrier blocked their path, forcing Kaidan to slow to a complete stop.

"Dammit," he said under his breath.

"Back up, Lieutenant," Shepard ordered, "we'll see if there were any branching walkways we can take, or maybe a control panel for this force-field."

"I can't," Kaidan said tightly as he pulled up the rear view on his HUD, "there's another barrier behind us. Saren must have set an ambush!"

"I'm not sure about that," Liara said as she went for the door, "I don't think Saren would know how to operate this technology any better than we can. This feels like...something else."

"I'll take that into consideration, Doctor," Shepard said as he too bundled out of his seat and headed for the exit, "but keep your eyes open people. I don't want any surprises."

The only way out led to an elevator which they took mainly because there was no other option. We don't have time for this, Kaidan couldn't help but think as he stood, all nerves and nervous energy. The others didn't look any better, Liara looking around her with sad eyes and Shepard staring resolutely forwards. Tali looked alert and yet she sounded more curious than wary when she spoke.

"If this was just an automated trap, why didn't Saren trigger it when he came through?" she asked.

"We haven't been following the wrong trail, have we?" Liara asked worriedly.

"Can't have been," Kaidan argued, "there wasn't any other trail to take, or not one that was open to us."

"Let's get all the facts before we jump to conclusions," Shepard said commandingly, "stay alert."

The Prothean recording which they had found before, jumbled and worrying as it had been, was something he didn't think he would ever have experienced. Kaidan would never have believed that something even more incredible had been, essentially, waiting for them.

"When the Citadel relay is opened, the Reapers will pour through and all you know will be destroyed."

The VI, Vigil, had been as a prophet, speaking to the unknowing children at his feet. Kaidan felt as he had when Sovereign had addressed them, only there was no malice in Vigil's words, only a want to help save those in the present through the doomed knowledge of the past. Yet its words spoke of a dark future, of dark space, a place beyond their reckoning, where the harbingers of their destruction lurked, enshrined in a prolonged hibernation, waiting for millennia until their prey was of a sufficient level to necessitate culling. The information was bizarre and difficult to comprehend. The Citadel, a mass relay? The Citadel, the core of their crisis? The Citadel, a tool which had been used throughout eons by the Reapers to ensure their success? Vigil spoke of the downfall of the Protheans as if it were reading from a morbid history book. First the Citadel was seized and the seat of their civilisation, their leaders and the hub upon which they had built their empire, was crippled in the Reaper's initial surprise attack. Each system in the galaxy isolated, no way to communicate the threat. They had been easy pickings, despite the decades it apparently took for the Reapers to enact their mass genocide.

"Some worlds were utterly destroyed, other were conquered, their inhabitants indoctrinated and used as sleeper agents. Taken in by other Protheans, they ultimately betrayed our resistance to the machines."

"Indoctrination?" Shepard asked, turning to them as he put the pieces together, "They brainwashed them? Then that explains a lot. Benezia, the Geth, even Saren. They could all have been indoctrinated by the Reapers to ensure a definite seat of power in the Citadel, to ensure that no one would suspect them until it was too late."

"But I don't understand," Liara asked urgently, "where did the Reapers go once they had conquered your people?"

"Our worlds were stripped bare," Vigil said calmly, making Kaidan shy away from the horrific thought, "harvested by indoctrinated slaves. Everything of value, all resources and technology, was taken. Once they were certain that the galaxy had been purged of all sentient organic life, the Reapers retreated back through the Citadel mass relay into dark space, sealing it behind them."

As with the other recording, Kaidan was sure that he had heard enough even as Vigil continued to talk. Of millions of slaves, mindless husks, left to die of starvation or exposure. The slow and brutal death of an entire civilisation. The fate that awaited them, were they to fail. When Shepard finally spoke once more, Kaidan found himself clinging to the hope his Commander's resolute tone brought him.

"You said you brought me here for a reason," Shepard said, "tell me what I need to do."

"Before my people were destroyed, we were on the cusp of unlocking the secrets of mass relay technology," Vigil explained, "this facility was a top secret instillation where our engineers worked to build a small scale version of a mass relay which would link to the Citadel, the hub of the mass relay network. We called it the Conduit."

"Then the Conduit isn't a weapon," Kaidan said urgently, "it's a backdoor onto the Citadel!"

"And that means that Saren is headed there right now," Tali added anxiously, "to open the Citadel relay for the Reapers!"

"The engineers I managed to sustain through their cryo sleep were able to alter the remote signal between the Reapers and the Keepers on the Citadel," Vigil explained, "thus this Sovereign you speak of would not have been able to remotely trigger the Citadel mass relay. This one you call Saren will undoubtedly be seeking to undo the Citadel's defences and bypass our engineers work by transferring control of the Citadel over to Sovereign directly."

"Then is there any way to stop them?" Shepard asked, his tone belaying his desperation.

"There is a file in my database, take a copy with you when you leave," Vigil replied, "it contains an override command for the Citadel's security system and will temporarily give you a chance to wrest control from Sovereign."

"Then that's all I need," Shepard said defiantly, "Saren's already got enough of a head start. Alenko, grab that data file and let's move!"

"The one you call Saren has not yet found the Conduit," Vigil's words followed them as they ran back towards the elevator, "there is still time, if you hurry."

* * *

 

The ramp wasn't steep enough but Kaidan couldn't have stopped if he wanted to, with the heavy canon fire all around him and the rumble and crack of the Mako as the vehicle struggled, and Shepard's shouted orders, " _Keep going Alenko! Don't stop!_ ". Then they were airborne and then gone, a flash of light seen only for an instant as they passed into the void between reality and unreality, passing through the galaxy as a neutrino travels through stars and planets and people alike. Kaidan had been worried that experiencing the mass relay jump without a sealed space cruiser surrounding them would perhaps have an uncertain outcome. It turned out that the outcome was, in fact, very certain. One moment they were under fire and the next they were weightless, barrelling through the air with the engine revving and the wheels spinning against nothingness as the Presidium exploded into view and they crashed into the ground with enough force to throw them over completely. Kaidan felt himself hauled down into his full body seatbelt, leaving him hanging suspended as the Mako screeched to a halt and, finally, lay silent.

"Is everyone alright?" he heard Shepard shout; Kaidan looked his left at the sound of a thump and watched as Shepard dropped from his seat into the ruined dashboard and the broken windscreen, having disengaged his harness.

"I'm good, Commander," Kaidan said as he pulled himself together, reaching up to follow Shepard's example.

"We're good back here Shepard," Tali called out.

"A bit shaken, but we're good," Liara confirmed as Kaidan and Shepard crouched down to hurry through the wreckage; unsurprisingly the door was stuck but that turned out not to be a problem. Kaidan used two quick, consecutive blasts in order to force it open and allow them to scramble out into the chaos.

* * *

 

The elevator juddered to a halt. He reached out to steady Liara and looked to Shepard, standing before the glass, staring at something outside that Kaidan couldn't see.

"It's Saren, he's blocked the elevator," Shepard said as he quickly tapped a few controls on his omni-tool and sealed his suit, the mask flipping up to attach to his visor and the hiss of pressurisation as the seals were made final. Kaidan didn't need to be told, he followed suit even before Shepard said, "suit up, we're headed outside."

Everything had been going too smoothly, Kaidan thought, it made sense that they would be stopped just before they reached their destination. They had been able to find a barely working Elvina VI on the Presidium which told them everything they needed to know; Saren Arterius was headed up the Citadel tower to the Council Chambers. They hadn't wasted any time in rushing to meet him, only now they were so close and yet so very far from stopping this once and for all. Shepard's solution was, as ever, practical and yet, at the same time, incredibly dangerous. It didn't stop Kaidan from following him, however, it didn't stop Kaidan from trusting him.

The glass looked frozen as it cracked and splintered into hundreds of tiny shards, spinning out into the zero gravity environment as if held by invisible wires. There was a rush of air, he was jolted forwards and then nothing. Sound crashed down to complete silence but for his comrades' voices over the comm. link. Kaidan watched Shepard take a step over the edge and disappear. He took a breath, refusing to look down, considering there technically now _was_ no down, and took the step. Suddenly he was sucked against the metal of the Citadel tower by his boots, sticking to the surface and disorienting him with the change in horizon. He turned and watched as Tali was next, followed by Liara. He looked back to find Shepard giving them all an 'a-ok'.

"Let's go people," he said.

It wasn't just an arduous fight, it felt like a never-ending battle. Every corner they turned only revealed more Geth, waiting in ambush or a simple retaliation on discovering the enemy. Every step was a struggle, fighting to claim every scrap of progress that they could gain. Kaidan had never enjoyed fighting in a vacuum; no noise, no ability to hear the enemy and gauge their position. Instead he relied on his scanner and his innate abilities, using kinetic bursts to force the Geth out from behind cover, causing overloads in their circuitry and doing his best to shield those around him from the punishment they were receiving. He was more than aware that he stuck to his Commander's side the entire way to the top, unless specifically ordered to flank. Despite the knowledge he stalwartly refused to allow his CO to be injured while he still had the power within him to prevent it. It seemed like an eternity before they found themselves beside a long, wide opening which, when Kaidan tried to imagine it vertical, he realised he was looking at the long runnels in the Citadel tower which sat parallel to the Council Chambers.

"Come on, we're almost there," Shepard said over the comm., "there has to be an access panel around here somewhere!"

They found the panel, behind a slew of Geth force-fields. Liara distorted them with a quick wave of interference and they hurried through, climbing down onto what soon became a wall. They quickly adjusted themselves against the wall as the door closed behind them and the room pressurised itself. Soon they found themselves lying safely on the floor, righting themselves as gravity once more restored itself.

"This is it," Shepard said as he kept his suit sealed, "the Council Chambers should be through here. Tali, Liara, follow me. Alenko, you have our six."

The doors opened and they were assaulted by sound and heat. Everything was aflame, the delicate trees burned and blackened, the walkway before them littered with dead leaves. The wailing of the alarm echoed as they ran, accentuated by the rumble and creak of the chamber itself as it was battered and broken. Kaidan watched their backs as they ran, gunning down a few Geth who appeared to have been left on guard duty. Only two? Kaidan thought warily as they took the steps two at a time, rushing towards the seat of power in the Citadel, towards the one person they had been searching for all this time, their goal, their target.

And Saren was there, glimpsed only as a pale shadow which jumped from the edge below Shepard's marksman shot which, if the Turian had not moved, would surely have taken him clean through the head. Kaidan cursed as Saren disappeared from view and moved closer to Shepard, keeping his rifle drawn. I have the data disk, Kaidan thought as he eyed the bright orange holo-console they had briefly seen Saren meddling with, if I could just get to that console then...

He had stepped forwards cautiously onto the walkway before he realised his mistake. It was only when he heard the telltale whine of machinery that Kaidan knew he was too close. Saren rose up before them on a small hover-board, his face the picture of cold superiority, and threw the grenade straight at him without hesitation. In the first second he tried to back away and in the next, thankfully, he realised his mistake and brought up his biotic shields to cover himself and those closest to him. Unfortunately, in spreading his barrier thin to cover his comrades, it wasn't enough.

Kaidan felt the mainstay of the blast that seeped through his barrier reach out and hit him forcefully enough to send him off his feet and tumbling backwards down the stairs about ten feet; " _Kaidan!"_ he was sure he heard Shepard shout through the fuzzy disorientation of the explosion and the harsh sound of his own breathing inside his helmet. His ears rang and his mind went fuzzy around the edges as the pain in his chest and legs flashed to the forefront. He let out a choked cough and tried his best to sit up. Suddenly there was someone there, hands on his shoulders helping him. He looked up to find Shepard there and, behind him, Saren floated a few feet from the ground menacingly. Tali and Liara were hidden just out of sight to his left, weapons ready but seemingly unwilling to fire when the Commander and Lieutenant were in such a vulnerable position.

"It appears you are still as weak as I found you on Virmire, Shepard," Saren said, his voice a deep and slightly distorted rumble, his piercing, luminous eyes watching them both dispassionately, "I can tell you now that you will not find me so. I have been significantly...upgraded since our last encounter."

Last encounter? Kaidan's mind raced, What the hell is he talking about? Had Shepard...had he already run into Saren on Virmire? There was nowhere else they could have come into contact with him. Had Shepard kept it to himself? Kaidan tried to get his body back under control, linking to his omni-tool and sending a command for a medi-gel. He let out a sound of relief as his suit administered the gel automatically to his wounded flesh, pumped through the suits own vascular system. He pulled his legs back towards him, ignoring the latent sting, and tried to get himself into a better position beside Shepard who had been hunkered down beside him. Saren was there, before them, Saren who they had chased through the galaxy tirelessly, who had instigated the massacre on Eden Prime, on countless worlds, who had led to force Ash's death on Kaidan's conscience...

...and yet Kaidan found that he could not hate the Turian, as he finally laid eyes on what was left of the man, even as wished beyond everything that he could. Saren was nothing but a puppet, a hapless slave to be pitied. He was now nothing but a barrier between them and the console which glowed feebly in the background.

"You let Sovereign implant you?" Shepard spat out incredulously as he stood, keeping a strategic position between Saren and Kaidan, "Are you _insane_?"

"It was a sufficient cure," Saren said as he lowered himself to the ground and stepped from his hover-board, standing just close enough to ensure that any shot he made wouldn't miss, but not close enough to be disarmed, "for the doubts which had begun to grow in my mind. I suppose I should thank you Shepard, for what you said to me that day. If not for that, Sovereign may never have deemed me worthy for such enhancements. Now I am the best of both organic and synthetic, the strengths of both and the weaknesses of neither."

"You're wrong Saren, you've never understood," Shepard continued even while he stared down the barrel of Saren's pistol, "Sovereign doesn't care about you, or the Geth, or any of us! Sovereign and its kind want nothing more than to wipe us all clean off the face of the galaxy, nothing more. It's controlling you through your implants, can't you see that?"

"It is you who is blind, Shepard!" Saren said back fervently; Kaidan watched as Tali tried to get into position for a shot but, as if he had eyes in the back of his head, Saren turned faster than Kaidan could follow and launched another grenade at the two women, causing both Tali and Liara to leap to safety over one of the small walls at the top of the stairs. The device exploded and Shepard reached for his pistol, still holstered, but Saren beat him too it. Shepard raised his hands as Saren once more took aim, straight at Shepard's visor, "you do not understand the symbiosis I have achieved, the symbiosis we will all achieve once the Reapers return. This galaxy will be cleansed and rebuilt anew. You should not throw away this measly life you currently hold. Join us Shepard and you will have your place at Sovereign's side, you will be more than you ever dreamed you could accomplish."

Kaidan had managed to get himself onto one knee,his other leg bent with his foot firmly on the ground, when Shepard did the last thing Kaidan would have expected. He lowered his hands and stared straight at Saren, letting out a short, derisory laugh. Saren just looked back, confusion evident on what was left of his mainly impassive face.

"You know, Nihilus told me about you once," Shepard said as the fires grew around them and station shook, as Turians, Asari, Salarians and Humans alike died outside in the cold vacuum of space, as Saren held his gun menacingly and tightened his finger on the trigger, making Kaidan's mind race, "wasn't one to talk but he did tell me that you saved his life once, on Juntauma. He never showed any emotion but he seemed proud, when he talked about you," Kaidan watched every detail, his breath stuck in his throat as Saren continued to simply stare, "proud when he talked about the man who shot him in the back, like a coward."

"Nihilus was a good soldier," Saren did not waver even though his words did not match his stance, "but he did not understand the dangers, he did not understand the weaknesses of your kind, your dominant emotions and your inability to compromise your compassion. Nihilus was a waste. I killed him because he would never have come to understand just what it takes to...evolve," Saren narrowed his eyes as he stated the last word, "as I now realise you will not, either. It is a shame Shepard, there was potential in you, but now you must..."

He remembered what it had felt like. The anger that had flowed through him like his first hit of Red Sand, straight into the bloodstream, rushing to his brain, making the decision for him before he had even realised what he had done. It was not the same this time, not the same as the ravenous panic that had driven him to kill Vyrnnus in a fit of spiteful and terrified rage. It was not a blind burst of energy that he let loose but a controlled and well calculated push which hit Shepard in the side, sending the man stumbling to the left out of harm's way. The decision was determinate but, unlike with Vyrnnus, the decision was his. Saren was dead before he hit the ground, the wires twisting his frame fizzing and popping disturbingly as his head, wrenched from the bone and metal that had held it by Kaidan's focused biotic power, hung like a loose thread against his chest. Kaidan forced his bruised and battered body to its feet as Shepard, having regained his balance, turned to look at the ruined corpse of what had been one of the most respected Spectres in the galaxy, now reduced to nothing but a mass of wires and blood.

Kaidan had expected it to be more, well, perhaps just _more_. Only his second kill using his biotic skills since he had first known it was even possible and yet he did not feel the same, sickening guilt as he had felt after Vyrnnus. He stared at Saren until Shepard grabbed his arm, snapping from his daze as Tali and Liara ran from behind the cover they had been using and rejoined them.

"The disk, Alenko! Hurry!"

No time left. No time to worry, to hate, to care or to love. No time for the vagaries of life or death because the consequences of their actions governed the destinies of so many individual lives that he felt his heart beat faster as he half ran, half stumbled towards the control panel, Shepard at his side holding him steady while he pulled up the data, the ancient cure from millennia before he had even been born, and tried his best to make everything right. When it worked, Kaidan almost believed it couldn't be true, that it was too simple.

"That's it, it worked!" he turned to the others, looking a little lost, "We have control of the Citadel's systems."

"Quick! Open the station's arms," Shepard ordered, "If they have a clear run the Fleet will be able to take down Sovereign before it regains control of the Citadel. Hurry, we don't know how long we will have control!"

"Alright, I'll try," Kaidan hurried, trying his best not to screw up as his hands shook and he felt the sweat running down his neck and into his shirt, trapped inside his suit; he sent the order but it seemed that there was a time delay. Dammit, Kaidan thought harshly as he tried his best to reroute the signal, we have to _hurry_ , "Sir, I'm opening the comms. channel now. Let them know what's coming!"

As soon as the channels were clear their comms. lit up. In the flickering gloom of the ruined Council Chamber a hissing message filtered through. Not more good news, Kaidan thought facetiously even as he optimistically hoped for a light at the end of the tunnel.

"This is... _ny Ascension_ ," the voice as desperate but clear, "Main drives offline. Kinetic barriers down forty percent. The Council is on board, repeat, the Council is on board..."

The transmission cut out only to be instantly replaced by another, far more familiar, voice. Shepard didn't waste a beat in taking the call.

" _Normandy_ to the Citadel, _Normandy_ to the Citadel," Joker's voice was fuzzy but steady, "Please tell me that's you Commander."

"Damn it's good to hear your voice, Joker," Shepard replied genuinely, "what's your position?"

"I'm sitting in the Andura sector with the entire Arcturus fleet," Joker said, "we caught that distress call from the _Destiny Ascension,_ it sounds like they're running out of time. We can save the _Ascension_ Commander, just unlock the relays around the Citadel and we'll send the cavalry in!"

"Are you sure about this Shepard?" Tali spoke up, sounding slightly disbelieving, "Human casualties will be very high if you send in your fleet now."

"This is bigger than humanity," Kaidan argued, "Sovereign's a threat to every organic species in the galaxy! We don't have the time to be arrogant about this."

"True," Tali agreed, "That's why you can't waste reinforcements."

"But the Council is on board that ship," Liara spoke up, looking to Shepard imploringly, "I understand that humanity has not been well received by our government Shepard, I know that it has been difficult for you to gain respect from us but please, do not doom us because of our own failings. Remember what Vigil told us."

Perhaps he hadn't been sure what Shepard would say and, for a split second, he had worried that he had once more forgotten that his Commander was an unpredictable entity. Shepard's noble spirit had spared the Rachni Queen, to what end none of them knew, yet Shepard's close sighted selfishness had also cost a man his life, no matter whether the accusations against the scientist on Onterom had been valid or not. Which was why it was a relief to hear Shepard's reply, maybe more than he could express at that moment in time when the galaxy hung by the skin of its neck above the void.

"I understand Liara," Shepard did not look to them as he spoke, instead looking up at the cracked but intact glass of the large window behind the console, watching the debris sail past as the smoke rose, "don't worry. I won't let Sovereign make the first move. I won't make the same mistake the Protheans did. Joker!"

"I'm here, Commander," Joker's voice fizzled back into being, "what are your orders?"

"I'm opening the relays now," Shepard said, his voice strong and resolute as he stood beside Kaidan and used the console, "We need to save the Ascension, no matter what the cost! The Council must survive."

"Understood Commander, on route to your location as we speak," Joker said, "ETA right goddamn now."

"Fly right, Joker," Shepard said, trying his best to keep the anxiety from his voice, "I don't want to hear that you scratched my ship."

"Heaven forbid, Commander," Joker said back, carefree as a babe, "we'll be seeing you before you see us."

There they stood, on the cusp of victory, shrouded in smoke and ruin. Kaidan watched Shepard and Shepard watched the skies. Maybe I'll never know how he works, Kaidan thought as he watched the sequence finally equalise, the shuddering of the room as the massive arms of the Citadel re-opened, maybe Shepard was right. Maybe I like it that way too.

"Tali, Alenko," Kaidan focused back on Shepard's voice and found the man looking back down the walkway, down the steps, to the twisted corpse lying there, "I don't want any loose ends causing trouble. Make sure that he's dead."

"Aye, aye, sir," Kaidan replied.

The bullet Tali put into Saren's skull was an incredibly final act. Kaidan watched detachedly, knowing that somehow this was a thing he was not allowed to blame himself for. The Turian was more machine than what he had originally been, more puppet than person. Yet he had not always been such, and Kaidan had not given him the chance to redeem himself. Pointing a gun at Shepard could obviously have dire consequences, Kaidan thought as Tali lifted her hand to her helmet. I won't allow myself to fall back into that trap, he thought, I won't allow myself to feel the guilt I should not bear.

"If he wasn't dead before," Tali said, "he is now."

"Good," Shepard said over the comm., "get back up here, both of you, we can monitor the fleet's progress from here. Tali, is there any way to help weaken Sovereign's defences from inside..?"

The sentence was never finished or, if it was, Kaidan did not hear it. The sudden blast of arching, red energy which exploded from behind him sent the Lieutenant careening forwards into the railing, snapping his shoulder out of its socket. He let out a restrained cry through gritted teeth before pushing up on his good arm, blinking away the dimness from his vision, shaking his head and looking up only to find there, there where a corpse had lain not moments before, stood something else. Saren twisted and screamed as the energy consumed him, his form elongating and diverging, wires reconnecting and sinew recombining. It had become something new, something hideously distorted, a mockery of the shape it had once been. Kaidan looked at it with horror, biting down on the ripping agony in his shoulder as he pushed over onto his back and pulled his pistol, aiming and firing once, twice, three times as the _thing_ turned to look at the source of the attack.

It leapt faster than anything which had been tortured into a new form of sentience had any right to. Kaidan felt his heart skip a beat as he tried futilely to struggle out of the way, relief flooding him when Saren was suddenly hit by a kinetic warp which suspended him in the air a mere few feet from where he lay propped against the railing. Then Liara was suddenly at his side, hauling him up and dragging him back behind the cover of a small wall while Saren was still suspended in the biotic field, currently being shredded with bullets by both Tali and his Commander.

Kaidan knew, however, that a biotic warp field could only be sustained for so long before the physical parameters which allowed it to exist simply destabilised. When he looked up from behind their cover, desperate to see what was happening, it was to be greeted with a chillingly familiar voice.

"I am Sovereign," came the distorted, deep, a-tonal rumble from Saren's twisted form, its lower jaw lost completely, "and this station is mine."

"Like hell it is!" came Shepard's challenging reply, "Get ready to be taken down by an inferior species, you sack of shit!"

One moment Saren was there, the next he was gone, having jumped at least twenty feet backwards in order to cling to a tall pillar, his glowing red eyes now trained on them with deadly efficiency.

"Fuck he's fast," Kaidan breathed out as he did his best to fumblingly reload his pistol one handed, slotting the disruptor rounds in with difficulty before lifting and shooting in quick, successive bursts.

The limber husk proved a difficult target, with its quick and agile movements. It launched itself at Tali, leaping to the ground in front of the Quarian before reaching out and knocking her aside, not even reacting to the three or four pulse rounds she managed to empty in it point blank before it did so. Shepard wasted no time in attacking, Liara and Kaidan following his lead.

"Commander, are you there?" Kaidan heard Joker's voice over the sharp cracks of their gunfire and the racing of his own heartbeat, "I don't know if you can hear me but we've commenced our attack. Only there seems to be some sort of shield around Sovereign, we can't get through it, we're taking heavy losses. If there's anything you can do down there, do it fast!"

Liara sent a sharp wave of disruption at the husk of Saren, sending the thing fizzing backwards as Shepard laid into it with quick, precise shots to the torso and head. Kaidan aimed low and managed, on his third shot, to blow off one of its feet, sending metal, bone and blood spraying out over the ground as they thing wobbled and was forced onto all fours.

"Shepard, we have to take it down!" Kaidan said, knowing that what he said sounded ludicrously obvious, considering the circumstances, "If Sovereign has poured all of its control into this husk, maybe destroying it will lower the Reaper's defences!"

Kaidan found himself grabbed and thrown to the ground, Shepard practically atop him as a vile and deadly looking bolt of red energy shot over their heads.

"Doesn't look like we have much choice!" Shepard said as he pulled himself back to his feet and Kaidan along with him, "We'll just have to hope this works."

Knowing what could be at stake, knowing that every second the husk was alive meant there were people dying outside in a desperate attempt to slay Sovereign, was a motivation Kaidan would be glad if he never had to experience again. Every shot missed seemed like a kick in the face, his shoulder strained and he felt weak, faint from the pain, from striving to win, from worry and anxiousness for his teammates and the _Normandy_. When what was left of Saren finally went down, instigated by a well placed grenade from Shepard and finished with a severe but deadly shot from Tali which severed the slim cord which kept its deformed head attached to its mutilated body, Kaidan could only sigh in relief. It's all gonna be alright, he thought as the thing twisted one final time, its limbs convulsing as the light in its eyes died, it's all gonna be alright.

The light from the explosion outside was what made him turn. The sight itself was as awe inspiring as it was devastating. Sovereign crumbled before their eyes. They watched, staring as the Reaper tumbled as if falling through water, its appendages seeming to twitch as its underbelly lit up with a ferocious glare. Kaidan reached up with his uninjured arm to shield his visor from the furious light.

"By the Goddess herself," he heard Liara breathe out.

"It's over," Shepard said, so quietly that Kaidan wondered if he was speaking to himself more than to them, "it's done."

"I almost don't believe it," Tali said, limping slightly as she walked forwards to watch the morbid fireworks displayed before them, "we killed it!"

"Everything has its weakness," Kaidan said, letting out a sound of discomfort as he held his left arm tightly.

"Hey."

Kaidan looked round at the call, as well as the feel of a hand against his shoulder. Shepard was there, watching him closely.

"Are you alright?" he asked with concern.

"Yeah," Kaidan lied, pasting on a smile even though he knew his CO couldn't see it; maybe that's what it's all for, he thought, maybe it's what you make me feel that's important. It goes beyond just a show for me. You know I think I might just..."I'll be alright, Shepard."

"You know, you really have to work on your lying, Lieutenant," Shepard said, amusement obvious in his tone, "you're really..."

"Oh Goddess..." the sound of Liara's voice, followed swiftly by Tali's sharp intake of breath, was the only warning they received before they turned to stare at the window, at the looming, fractured leg of Sovereign which was now coming into view, headed straight towards them.

There was a deathly silence as Shepard grabbed him and ran, the others at their heels. Then it began. It was a terrifying thing to hear such a deafening roar behind you, a terrific crash followed by the falling, splintered glass in a cacophony akin to a thousand birds crying out at once, and cracking, fractured masonry, the environmental controls coming online to contain the vacuum, the lights flickering and the flames dying and the long shadow passing over them as they ran for the door, ran and ran, and his arm burned and his breath came in gasps and their footfalls were nothing compared to the screaming of metal and the unimaginable sound that grew closer and closer and then...


	11. Epilogue - Rest Stop

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is the epilogue to the first of the trilogy. There will be two more to come!

Chapter 11

** Rest Stop **

_When the darkness hit him it was as a solid force, throwing his battered body to the ground. The sound was deafening. Consciousness was a hazy concept which he slipped in and out of. When he was next aware of anything more than pain and the ringing in his ears, it was to find Anderson reaching down to him, haloed by light as the search and rescue teams dug them out of the rubble. He was pulled gently up, his eyes scanning left and right blearily, finding Tali pushing herself up from behind all that was left of a small tree, Liara with her arm around one of the rescue squad as she was limped towards a stretcher._

_His heart had begun to thud tightly in his chest when he realised Shepard was no longer beside him._

* * *

“We understand what this means and, if it is any consolation at all, we are eternally grateful for your help and your selflessness,” the Asari Councillor, Tevos, said in a stately manner, “you sacrificed the lives of your men and women in order to save ours. That is not an event that will be forgotten.”

“This is something of an auspicious day,” the Turian Councillor, Kaidan was sure his name was Velarn or something like that, stood with his hands clasped behind his back, eyeing them all with intent, “for both the Council and your race. I understand that this is perhaps a little insensitive to do with such haste, considering Commander Shepard’s absence, but we have conversed about this amongst ourselves and agreed that you are ready to have a representative of humanity within the Council.”

It should have been a bigger deal; that was what Kaidan thought as he stood and watched Udina fuss and humour the three Councillors whilst trying to remain calm and considered. The sight was somewhat distanced, Kaidan couldn’t truly understand the seriousness of the offer or perhaps even what it represented. He was too busy trying to comprehend everything that had happened within the last seventy two hours, too busy feeling the bandages move against his skin every time he shifted his feet, too busy worrying about the man who wasn’t there.

“Of course we would value Commander Shepard’s input on selecting a candidate, and these proceedings cannot be rushed,” the Salarian Councillor, Kaidan wasn’t sure he’d ever heard his name, cut in as Udina finally stopped talking long enough to allow someone else a word in, “do you know how much longer he will be detained in the hospital?”

“I’m afraid we don’t have a release time for the Commander,” Captain Anderson said in reply, “but I was told his injuries were not too severe. I think he should be up and about in a few days.”

“That is good to hear,” Tevos said with a nod, “I wish to thank him personally.”

“We all do,” the Salarian Councillor seconded.

* * *

 

_“Where’s Shepard?” were the first words out of his mouth, even as Anderson asked him if he was alright._

_Kaidan knew he was hurt, or more remembered he was hurt. He knew because his body ached, his mind was fuzzy and incoherent and his heart seemed to beat erratically even as he pushed past the others and out into the ruins of the Council Chamber beyond. The ruinous field of destruction around him was rather hard to take in. Cracked stone, broken and dead trees and flowers, shattered glass, the fizzing and popping of torn wires, the sound of running water._

_His name was being called but he couldn’t hear it. As he limped forwards everything seemed to hum. It was a building sound that only accentuated the morbid quiet which had hushed over, broken only by sparking electrics and shouted orders._

_Kaidan held his arm and looked out over the rubble, his feet moving forwards without his consent._

* * *

“I don’t think it’s particularly professional or courteous to miss his own ceremony,” Udina said with tight bitterness.

“And I think that he has enough of an excuse,” Captain Anderson replied with begrudging diplomacy.

Kaidan walked behind the two as they continued to passive-aggressively argue and found that it didn’t bother him quite as much as it used to. They had taken a tersely silent cab ride from the Presidium, or what was left of it, to the Huerta Memorial Hospital. Anderson had seemed happier than Kaidan thought he would be, while Udina was sourer than Kaidan thought possible. The Council’s words, about their own feelings on who should be put forwards for Council candidate were probably responsible for that, Kaidan thought.  He couldn’t really bring himself to care. In fact he was finding that with a lot of things over the past few days. The dark shadow that had fallen over his life had been lifted, even if only a little, and he was finding it difficult not to see the silver lining in everything his eyes fell upon.

The Citadel had been hit hard, there were still entire sections of each arm without power, the main computer grid was badly damaged after the Prothean code malfunctioned and was now having to be wiped from the system, there was still a full scale clean-up operation underway and, on a more sombre note, they were still recovering the dead and putting them to rest.

Yet the skies were clear; Saren was dead and Sovereign’s dire plot had been aborted. At that moment Kaidan couldn’t think of the future, of the Reaper threat still looming beyond the edge of the galaxy. There were one hundred different things he had to think about at that moment in time, accompanying XO Pressly on an inspection of the _Normandy_ so as to put in a schedule for repairs, registering himself for the relief effort here on the Citadel while he was off-ship, picking up his dress blues for the ceremony, the list went on. Yet, at that moment, there was only one thing on his mind.

* * *

 

_“Lieutenant!” he heard Anderson’s voice but paid no heed._

_The rock and rubble slid beneath his feet as he scrambled up over piles of chipped and splintered rock, using the thick, twisting metal bars jutting from the cracks as leverage. His arm screamed at him but he couldn’t think about stopping. He moved forwards, reaching up to pull himself over a small lip created by the buckled floor. His vision dimmed before brightening and he shook his head. He heard the sound of someone behind him but kept moving forwards._

_When he found Shepard he wasn’t sure whether he wanted to see, wanted to know. All he could see was the man’s leg, the deep blue armour unmistakable and badly battered. The rocks above the leg were large and Kaidan stared at them as if willing to believe they were not as devastating as they should be._

_“He’s not dead,” he found himself saying; he was surprised by how angry he sounded. Everything was simply sound and motion, moving forwards and not looking back. There was no time to understand anything because he wasn’t sure he could handle it if he did, wasn’t sure he would even want to._

_He had reached out and lifted the boulder-like shard of rock from atop Shepard’s body even though the strain of it made him physically sick. He heard the loud, cracking rumble as the rock tumbled away and felt the bile wretch up his throat. He leaned forwards and vomited before blacking out._

* * *

“I’m afraid Commander Shepard needs rest right now, not visitors,” the Salarian doctor said impatiently, not even looking at them as he treated another patient; the hospital was mobbed, as was to be expected, and there was a heady smell of dried blood and sick on the air, “I understand that you are concerned for his welfare but I can assure you he is doing well, is highly medicated _and_ is also sleeping at present.”

“How well, exactly?” Udina asked, managing to sound unhappy even through such a simple question; Kaidan was glad he was out of sight so he wasn’t caught rolling his eyes, “When is he to be released?”

“He will be released when I see fit to do so,” the Doctor gave Udina straight eyed stare which, from a Salarian, was quite unnerving, “his arm should be healed enough by tomorrow to wear a tension sling, but considering the concussion he came in with the blow he must have taken left him lucky to have kept his brain inside his skull. There are still a few more tests I wish to run before I will discharge him.”

“Trust the hero to miss his own party,” Anderson sounded as if he was smiling, making Udina scowl, “thank you doctor, I trust you will extend the Commander every courtesy while he is here.”

“Of course, Captain Anderson,” the doctor nodded, using that tone which always made Salarians sound as if they were berating you for stating the extremely obvious, “I owe the man my life. We all do.”

They turned to leave, Udina muttering and Anderson with a secretive smile upon his lips. Kaidan didn’t have the time or the inclination to wonder as to why. He followed for a few paces, until the two once more began to bicker, before falling back into the crowd of patients and visitors, doubling back on his route. The doctor in charge of Ward C, whom they had talked to, was easy to bypass considering how busy he was with other patients. Kaidan peered through the window for the second private room along the small corridor before trying the door. When he found it locked Kaidan hesitated only a few seconds, long enough to look around him to make sure he was unobserved, before using a quick tech program to hack through the lock. Something of his own design, not entirely regulation but it worked like a charm. He slipped into the room and turned back to secure the door once more, sighing as it slid shut and sealed the noisy crowds out. The silence was quite pleasant in comparison.

“I thought that door was locked,” came a familiar voice.

He turned to find Shepard lying on an only slightly comfortable looking bed, his legs hidden beneath a hospital sheet while his upper body, half propped up at an awkward angle, displayed a hilariously tight gown and his right arm in a semi-permanent skin-weave cast. Kaidan couldn’t help but smile at the picture, half from actual humour at Shepard’s ridiculous outfit and half from relief to see him at all. After he had woken up in an emergency medical facility, thrown together quickly for the relief effort, he had been left with only the word of others that the Commander was alright. ‘Alright’ wasn’t a diagnosis as far as he had been concerned. He had been able to think of little else since he had been able to stand, his wounds bandaged and his migraine subdued by a colourful array of painkillers.

Trying to focus on other, deservedly important, things had been difficult. I just need to see him, he thought over and over, I just need to see he’s alright. Yet the military man in him kept him soldiering on, kept him focused, while the rest of his mind panicked and feared the worst. He didn’t feel right with the man out of his sight, as if they’d all been far too lucky. Everything else was simple by comparison. He could see the light at the end of the tunnel for everything...except Shepard. That was information he didn’t know exactly how to handle.

Now he was here, alive and well enough to have that distracting ‘almost’ smile upon his face. Kaidan was relieved enough to act as if nothing were out of the ordinary at all.

“I thought you were supposed to be asleep,” Kaidan replied as he walked towards Shepard’s bed and took the chair beside it.

“Ah, that’s what I told Doctor Inoste to say,” Shepard said, accompanied by a cautious, one-shouldered shrug, “he’s a nice guy once you get to know him.”

“You’ve only been here for a day,” Kaidan laughed gently, “and you’re already buttering up the staff, Commander?”

“Why shouldn’t I be,” Shepard asked with a petulant tone as he tried to grab at a small holo-box above his head sitting on the monitoring devices for his vitals, just beyond his reach; he added, as if it were a sly slight, “Lieutenant _Commander_?”

“I see you think it’s going to work on me too,” Kaidan said, unable to keep the coy edge from his voice; he lifted his hand and reached out with his telekinesis, gently lifting the box out and manoeuvring it down into Shepard’s hands, “ _Staff_ Commander.”

“I still outrank you, you know,” Shepard said, giving Kaidan a significant look as he began pushing buttons on the holo-display that popped up from the box.

“Of course, sir,” Kaidan replied, frowning despite his smile as he watched Shepard mess with the device in his lap; man he is high off his ass on something, Kaidan thought humorously, I’ll have to find out what he was given and remember it in case the Doc tries to dose him on a mission, “if you don’t mind my asking, what the heck are you trying to do Shepard?”

“I’m just...” Shepard frowned as he pushed irately at the display; Kaidan stood up and walked to Shepard’s side, leaning down to look at the orange control panel just as Shepard let out a soft sound of victory. Looking up afforded Kaidan a view of the large window leading to the outside corridor suddenly fazing to a dark grey tint, obscuring the view completely.

“What..?” Kaidan asked with a frown, but he wasn’t allowed to get any further than that.

There was a hand around the back of his neck, fingers curling insistently against the soft skin there. With a swift jerk Kaidan found Shepard’s lips pressed firmly against his own, an insistent tongue following quickly after. He placed his hands on the bed beside his Commander and, for a fair few seconds, allowed Shepard to kiss him senseless. There was a rather hefty blush high on his cheeks when he eventually pulled away, he could feel the heat there. Shepard was staring at him, slowly licking his lips, as if to taste something there. Kaidan found himself holding his breath, only letting it out when Shepard retracted his tongue.

“Still there,” Shepard said under his breath, letting go of Kaidan’s neck and allowing him to stand up straight, smooth out his clothes, clear his throat  and try and compose himself.

“What, sir?” Kaidan said with a raised eyebrow.

“Ha!” Shepard barked out a laugh, shaking his head, “I’ll let you be the judge of that. And stop calling me ‘sir’, Kaidan. I thought we were past titles.”

“Oh I don’t know,” Kaidan shrugged, trying his best not to feel embarrassed by Shepard’s easy affection, going for humour as a decoy, “I kind of like having you outrank me.”

“Is that right,” Shepard’s eyes were sharp and his ‘almost’ smile seemed even more dangerous than his grin as he eyed Kaidan, adjusting himself carefully on the bed, “I guess that suits us both then, considering I enjoy having you under me too Alenko.”

“Shepard, really?” Kaidan shook his head, placing his hands loosely on his hips simply for something to do with them, “What the hell did the doctor give you?”

“What?” Shepard asked incredulously, “I’m fine, there’s nothing wrong with me! I feel great! Look...”

It had started out sounding like a good idea but, as Shepard had progressed to trying to climb out of his bed and walk around the room in a slightly jittery manner, Kaidan began to regret coming to visit. The doc is going to bloody kill me if he finds him like this, he thought as he did his best to coax Shepard back to his med-bay bed. The small gown that he had seen when he walked in turned out to be small all over. It only _just_ preserved the wearer's modesty while, ironically, leaving nothing to the imagination either. Kaidan found himself having to actively keep his eyes at face level.

“I told you I’m _fine_ , Lieutenant,” Shepard said as he batted him away with his one good arm, walking towards the windows which led outside, giving a spectacular view of the Citadel’s fourth arm; or at least Kaidan _thought_ it was the fourth arm, he had trouble telling them apart. Kaidan looked back towards the still greyed out hallway window and crossed his fingers, hoping that the doctor didn’t take that moment to waltz in. He joined Shepard by the window, standing a few feet to his right. Shepard stared out at the vast space station, seeming to drink in the detail, his eyes flicking to follow passing ships as they went about repairs or ferried passengers, “it’s true, you know, what you said.”

“What did I say?” Kaidan asked, taking a deep breath and staring out of the window, watching Shepard’s reflection as the man spoke.

“You said ‘it’s all going to be alright’,” Shepard said, sounding a little too sober to Kaidan’s ears compared to his previous slightly manic tone, “and it is.”

“If I remember rightly you _made_ me say that,” Kaidan said wryly.

“You mean you didn’t believe it?” Shepard asked, looking to Kaidan with a raised brow.

“Honestly?” Kaidan paused before letting out the sigh that was building in his chest, “At that point in time, no, I didn’t really believe it. Things were pretty bad, had been going bad for a while. It was tricky to keep up the optimism in the face of...everything.”

“We pulled through it though,” Shepard said, turning back to the view, “guess we’re hardier than you gave us credit for.”

“Yeah,” Kaidan agreed, “and for once I’m not mad about being wrong.”

He was sure that the drugs must have been strong, or reacting badly with his system, or surely Shepard would never have slid his good arm around Kaidan’s waist otherwise, would he? They stood together in silence, just the soft beep of the machinery behind them and the low hum of the air conditioner keeping the room pleasantly warm. Kaidan knew that Shepard’s stare reached out beyond the passing ships, even beyond the arms of the Citadel. He could see it in his eyes that the man was looking deep into the darkness beyond, at the threat still looming there. At that moment, despite his best intentions, Kaidan couldn’t keep his eyes from looking at the window before him, at their reflection there. He returned the gesture, sliding his hand slowly around Shepard’s waist, feeling the soft gown beneath his fingers.

“Sorry to ruin the moment, Shepard,” Kaidan said eventually, as the silence, for him, became awkward, “but why the hell are you wearing that gown?”

“They’d run out of my size by the time I was brought in,” Shepard let out a small laugh once he looked away from the window so as to look down at the tight material across his chest, “this was all they had left.”

They continued to talk, intermittently in the space of their comfortable silence. Yet there was an undercurrent of strained avoidance somehow, somewhere. Kaidan couldn’t think about it because he didn’t want to. Instead he let Shepard’s cryptic words run over and over in his head, “ _still there_ ”. He liked to think he knew what they meant.

That way he didn’t need any words to tell him how the man felt. That way he could believe he already knew.

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: This text is a non profit work for entertainment purposes only. I do not own Mass Effect or any of the related works.


End file.
